I once heard somewhere, "There are no endings, because nothing ends." Whoever said that was a very smart man/woman/...thing. I forget where I picked it up; it's just one of those little sayings I'd like to believe. What really kills that though is having to face a civilization that's slowly but surely dying.
But at least we're all alive, right? We've got our health and a roof over our heads, so I guess it isn't the end just yet. Now let's see who got the nicest shot of that purty red sky.
Funny thing, but people actually did take pictures, and some even claim they'd caught Meteor on film. Of course I haven't seen any proof, but the newspapers love to exaggerate whatever rumors they can get their hands on. They just need something to report, other than the three R's: riots, robberies, and religious fanatics.
Sometimes I think the Planet cursed us for trying to outlast it. I think the stars envy us now, in a way. They live and then they die; they don't struggle against their fate. But man does. Sometimes it seems like he was born to fight. Maybe we never should have survived Holy, but we did. We fought against the end.
I've been looking up at the stars at night a lot lately, just wondering. I think about wishing on them for the old way of life back, for peace, or for an easy life, but why bother? They won't hear me anymore. Maybe they do hate me; after all they were there in the sky that night when he left me, even if it was with good reason. They saw what happened, those stars, and I think they laughed at all my wishing.
Or maybe I'm just a very unlucky lady who keeps losing shining knights. I hate to be so negative, but when you're in my position it's hard to think optimistically.
So here I am again. I accepted another promise and I let him sail away. I still have faith in his return, but it dies a little every day. The thought crossed my mind once to go out on another clear night and ask the stars to forgive me, forgive me for being human and instinctively clinging to life like every other living thing out there, even if it isn't always in the best of circumstances.
And I want them to forgive him too, just like I learned to. It was all destined, wasn't it? And I'm just a little piece of the whole thing.
Oh, but listen to me; I'm going on. I guess if I'm going to tell my story I should start from the end.
Or what I call an end. You may call it a beginning.
The world didn't end with a big bang...although it came very close.
Lifestream saved us. I'd get all the details about that much, much later on, but that's pretty much the truth in a nutshell. I think Aeris had a hand in that somehow. You can say I'm just being silly, and maybe I am, but lately there aren't many things I'm willing to put faith into, so that's really saying something. I like to believe that she asked the Planet to send Lifestream to save us. Maybe she did; who can say?
She'd live on in my nightmares for weeks, Aeris, along with Sephiroth, ShinRa, Holy, and Meteor. Death, destruction, the end, all in my dreams. I don't dream much about those things now, but strangely enough, Aeris had been in one sort of recent dream of mine... Ack, I'm getting ahead of myself. Well, you wait; I'll get to that soon.
But even though I don't dream about the end of the world anymore, I still remember it well. You don't forget that kind of thing, ever. I remember being on a very beat-up Highwind; I remember wanting to cry, but feeling too empty to scrape up a tear. I could only keep telling myself that it would be all right somehow. Maybe I just went nuts temporarily or something... Hey, that's Cloud cynicism there! He always thought I'd end up cynical. He said time would do that to me, and I think I just proved him right. Either way, I probably should have used that optimism to get everyone's spirits up, but I couldn't speak; I was numbed. There was only that shallow fear and a bit of crazy, fragile hope.
I remember Cait Sith coming over to me at one point, leaving his stuffed moogle for my shoulder. Reeve said nothing so he made no sound, but like the cat that he looked like he snuggled against my face, near my ear. I reached up to him. I remember him being strange to touch, sort of fuzzy on the surface, but weird and hard beneath. I was glad to have him close. It was a sign that the person behind him really cared. When we land, I told myself, I would get a cat. A black one with white mittens, kind of in his honor, and even if I like dogs better (I think it's the whole loyalty thing).
In case you're wondering, my cat doesn't have white mittens. Well, on his forepaws he does at least, but not on the back ones. And his name is Lars. But Lars doesn't come into my story for a while yet, so sit tight.
The sky as I remember was very dark---I think it was night then where we were. When the sun would rise the next day, I would see the scars for the first time. That red sky would take months to heal. It would make everyone miserable, having no sunshine for so long. But like I said, mankind's a fighter. He'll always prevail, even in the worst of times. He wants to live; that's his nature. My nature.
It'd be about a week before we'd split up after the world nearly ended. We split up the materia and dropped everyone off, back where they wanted to be. Vincent just vanished though, and Cait Sith got returned to Reeve, but everyone still had someone, someplace, something.
Sometimes things turn out ironically. It all started with Cloud, Barret, and I...and Marlene too, and that's how it is now. We picked up Marlene in Kalm and made sure Elmyra was all right before we left. Then for the longest time, we traveled everywhere.
We had our reasons. I think Barret and I were looking for some proof that humanity wasn't going straight down the toilet, but we were hard pressed to find that. Civilization did hit rock bottom. You know that ShinRa did everything for the people; most of the cities on the Planet depended on them for electricity. Now that Midgar was nothing more than a ruin and ShinRa had fallen with it, there was no power in most cities. And no government. Nothing could stop people from doing whatever they liked. Things are still like that today in some places. It's anarchy; you're required to have a gun or some kind of weapon if you want to enter the larger, more dangerous towns. And that's not a written law, it's common sense. Blow their heads off before they blow off yours and make away with everything you have.
We were all wrong to depend on ShinRa and their Mako. But one question I never got answered is why human beings always need a major disaster to show them where they're going wrong.
Cloud... His reasons for wanting to travel a lot were different. He never spoke of them, not to anyone, but I've learned to read him after knowing him for so long. He was looking for Aeris. Barret knew it too.
"But he ain't gonna find her," he said. "She's gone and he's gotta move on. Ain't gonna do him no good to keep holdin' on ta memories. Let her rest."
I can understand that so well; I'm always clinging to memories myself. It's what caused me so much misery. Barret was right, best to let go and move on.
That clinging would turn out to be a greater problem for me than I could imagine, but I'll get to that eventually.
I don't think Cloud ever found the answers he wanted. I don't think he even wanted to be with Barret or Marlene or me, but we couldn't stay in one spot either. The little things in life overwhelmed us. I mean, we defeated a god, for heaven's sake. We'd been to the center of the Planet. Now we had to get regular jobs, keep a nice house, pay rent and stuff... It was almost like a blow to the head. Wow, look at us. We're normal people again.
Too, I depended on Cloud a lot. He and I have the strangest relationship on the Planet. After the Lifestream incident, we grew really close. I had attached myself to him for the longest time; I felt I had to follow him wherever he went. Maybe that's why I still feel like I need him near me, and maybe he feels a little attached too. That could explain his staying with me even if we're not Cloud and Tifa. (We're Cloud and his friend Tifa, or the other way around.)
I think everything we've been through makes him want to stick around too. At times though, early on, he seemed really torn between staying and leaving, and I think his struggle went beyond me or had nothing to do with me at all. He even gave in at one point and did leave...but he came back, in time. I'm grateful he did too. He helped me a lot, regardless of him not being a boyfriend.
It's funny, really. After all that we've been through, we're nothing more than friends. All that I wanted, all that I waited for and longed for never happened. Of course I can say now that it was fated, or so I believe, but back then I had nothing to comfort me. I just felt unlucky.
But someone else came along and I thought for a time then that luck was back on my side.
This story is a long one. I learned so much through him, and he learned a lot through me. He was my teacher and my student, though more of the latter I think. It was all just one more lesson that life, the Planet, had to teach. And in that sense we were both students.
I've spent hours trying to rationalize it. I've spent hours crying over it, agonizing over it, and it all turned out to have such simple answers. Now that he's gone, I think I've taught him all that I could. But I still want him back. Humanity can die; I don't care. Yes, I know that sounds selfish, but I still don't care. I can't find the strength to care. I want him back, even if I'm wishing against the stars, against the Planet. I'm past the crying, but I'm still hurting.
Our parting was consensual; we agreed to it. And he said he'd be back, but it's been three weeks now...
I remember everything about him so well. I could tell you every dirty little detail, from the way he kissed to...well, you name it. You name it and I miss it.
If Cloud and I have a strange relationship, then the last one I had was just plain twisted. Not that I love it any less for that, but it's the best word I can think of. Twisted, twisted and very, very deep. So much came out of us getting together. We..."clicked," I guess you can say.
Just talking about it makes me ache. I feel sick. Maybe I should never have started this.
But you always told me to come to you whenever I had a problem, so it's all right. I'll tell you. I'll tell you everything.
After being bitten by the travel bug, we ended up in a little town called Quintz, a place that still had contact with sanity. We'd been on the road for months before that. Our money came from odd jobs and selling materia. Some people really paid us well for that stuff, almost to the point where it looked like we were ripping them off.
Quintz was far north of Gongaga, one of those tiny towns that no one really cared about save the people who lived there. We heard about it when we came to the Gold Saucer long ago, when we were on Sephiroth's tail. We passed up a visit because it was so small and unimportant. No wonder too---it had no connections to Midgar at all. To the people of Quintz, Sephiroth and ShinRa were just famous names without faces.
To the northwest was a larger city, Reine, something that the people of Quintz called a "big city." It was in pretty bad shape, though. It had depended on ShinRa for power once, so there was chaos up there now. Fortunately none of us needed to go there right away, and I wouldn't end up paying it a visit for a while yet.
Cloud eventually came back down to earth, though it was rough and there was still that flightiness, that struggle in him. We lived together in a small townhouse in Uptown Quintz, the half of the city that was mostly residential. The other half---Downtown---was the only place I'd ever seen with five pizza parlors practically door-to-door, among other things. There were exceptions of course; I would meet two people who lived in Downtown. Barret and Marlene lived in Uptown with us, but because there weren't any more townhouses up for rent, they had to move into an apartment a couple of blocks away. We visited each other often though, so the distance didn't really matter.
It nearly left all of us broke, buying everything we needed to settle in, but we decided that Quintz would be our final stop. No more traveling. We'd spend the rest of our lives here, where it was pretty much peaceful and free of unwanted memories.
The month was January, a little over a year since Meteor then. There were a bunch of fanatics who wanted to restart the calendar so that it would be year one then---one year since the would-be disaster---but thankfully most people didn't take them seriously. Civilization's outlook hadn't improved much generally speaking, but since Quintz was so self-reliant our lives got sort of comfy, at least as much as circumstances would allow. TV didn't provide much in the way of anything, news or otherwise---ShinRa dominated most of the media, remember?---so you'd be better off getting information from newspapers and the occasional magazine. Yes, we still had those circulating; that, actually, was how I met Destiny.
Destiny would call himself Sef.