A/N:...

Josh's hands were jerky, shaking so hard he almost dropped what he was working on several times. His phone buzzed, a desperate noise he ignored as his hands continued to move. His phone's buzzing ceased, and he let out a sigh, his hands stilling slightly before giving one last final yank. His fingers tightened around the rope as he held it up, the morning light dancing gently along the rope's rough edges. Josh's breathing gave a slight hitch before returning to normal.

Gently placing the rope beside him on the bed, Josh picked up his phone and gave a shuddering sigh before unlocking it and pulling up Chris's number. A slight sob escaped him as he quickly texted out Hey Cochise, just wanted to let you know I'm gonna be a bit late tomorrow, so don't panic like you normally do...also, thanks for being there for me buddy. It meant a lot, and I'm sorry for the trouble I caused...later Chris.

Once the message was sent, Josh quickly turned his phone on silent before throwing it on the bed. He couldn't, wouldn't, be talked out of this. It was hard just breathing, let alone going through his day. He couldn't take it anymore. It was easy when he was with Chris, them being in a relationship for a month and a half, and best friends before that. But, Josh couldn't do this to Chris anymore. He didn't want to wake the taller by with screams of his nightmares. He didn't want to make Chris go out of his way to make sure he took his medicine, that he was sleeping and eating, which he's quit doing.

Josh walked over to the corner of his room, gently pulling the chair quietly over to one of the beams in his ceiling before grabbing his beautiful creation.

The noose was gorgeous, the sun early rays dancing along the edges, causing the rope to glow a gently golden color. The rope itself was strong and sturdy, and was a deep tan color. It was twisted and bent ever so gracefully, causing Josh's eyes to follow the beautiful twisting pattern. This object, the amazing, wonder object, filled Josh with a hope. This hope was at the fact there would be no more nightmares, no more hallucination, no more hurting and dying on the inside. He would be free!

Taking a deep breath of air, Josh tore his gaze from the rope and quickly tied it to the raftings, the rope swinging gently to and fro once he tied it securely in place. His blood pounded in his ears, drowning every other noise out and Josh touched the rope gently, and stepped forward slowly, hand reaching out-

"Josh?! What the fuck?!"

Josh had only a minute to register someone was in his room before he was pulled off the chair and being held against someone's chest tightly. The person was still talking, voice shaking, and Josh lifted his head from the persons shoulder and whispered quietly "Hey Cochise."

"Fuck...you...man" Chris sobbed. Josh felt Chris's arms pull him closer, and Chris let out a throaty half scream, half sob, burying his head in the shorter man's neck. Josh felt hot tears hit his neck and he whimpers "Chris?"

"I...why?!" Chris asked, voice hoarse as the taller man slide down and leaned them both on the side of the bed, Chris's shoulders digging into the mattress. Josh blinked and found himself suddenly curled up in Chris's lap, leaning again the blond's chest. Chris was holding him tight and rocking them both gently.

"Why are you here?" Josh asked quietly, his hands reaching up and curling itself into Chris's shirt, getting a small comfort from the warmth.

"I got worried...the way you texted sounded like a goodbye...I can't lose you dude. I can't." Chris said, pulling Josh's head under his chin and holding onto the smaller man tighter, tight enough Josh thought maybe their flesh was going to fuse together with their closeness.

"It's ok Chris...you'd be ok if I had..."

"NO."

Josh flinched at the desperation in Chris's voice before a warm pair of lips crashed onto his. Josh let out a noise of surprise before giving a sigh, moving closer to Chris as he kissed back. His fingers went up and tangled themselves into Chris's hair and oh god.

"Chris..." He moaned, and the smell, the feel, the taste of Chris, it all kept him grounded. It pushed the voices away. The voices faded, and the darkness slipped away slowly, not completely gone, but not hurting Josh as Chris kissed him desperately, before both boys separated for air. Josh leaned back on Chris's chest and listened to their breathing as they both gasped and Chris once again held him tight before kissing his forehead and whispering into his ear "God damn it Josh. If you died, I would too. I couldn't survive a day without seeing you smile. I couldn't stand not seeing the way your eyes crinkle at the edges when you smile, or the way you bite your lip gently when you're worried. I would miss the adorable way you climb everything in the house because you can't reach something. I would miss how when you sleep you curl up into a little ball, or how the few times we have to bunk together your curl onto me and I get to hold you. I love you, you idiot."

Josh, who had been silently crying since Chris started talking, gave a sob and said "Y-You deserve b-better than a f-fucked up person like m-me..."

Chris shook his head and Josh sobbed harshly before crying "You do! The voices...the hallucinations...I can't handle them! I just can't anymore!"

"Josh...Josh! Josh, look at me!" Chris said, grabbing Josh's face and looking into his eyes. Josh stared, tears rolling down his face as Chris kissed them away and said "Josh...Listen! I won't let you go. I'm not letting you die, and I'm not letting you suffer alone."

Josh sobbed, and hugged Chris tight, a light weight on his head from Chris's chin. As Chris continued to rock him, Josh's sobs slowly ended and he fell into a warm sleep, comforted by the smell and feel of Chris around him.

U-N-T-I-L-D-A-W-N

Josh was up gasping, trying to jerk up from where ever he was laying, only to meet resistance. A horrid feeling of panic filled him until he glanced over and relaxed once he realized he was in Chris's arms. An embarrassed blush covered his face, before he paled in realization. Chris knows!

"Oh no..." Josh moaned, covering his face. He had cried on Chris, had told him everything! But...

"He kissed me...and said he loved me..." Josh whispered, and looked back at Chris once more, blushing at the memory. Thinking about it, Josh realized he felt...lighter. Like the heavy load on his chest that made it hard to breath had be loosened. It was still there of course, but not as heavy. Smiling tenderly at Chris, Josh quickly wiggled out of Chris's arms and looked towards his noose, which gleamed in the sunlight. He stared for a couple minutes, before shaking his head and quickly climbing up onto the chair and undoing the rope, taking it down off the rafter. As he twisted it up into a neat coil, Josh thought to himself I still...it still hurts...but I'll try. I'll try for him.

Nodding to himself once more, Josh quietly slipped out of the room, leaving Chris sleeping on the floor, and entered his garage, storing the rope away where it belonged: in the garbage can.

Josh bounced into the house, a giddy feeling rising in him as he said out loud "He loves me...he loves me back!"

Josh had been in love with Chris for about three years now, never telling his best friend in fear of losing him. Of course, the thought that Chris had just said it in the moment crossed his mind, but Josh shook the thought away. He knew Chris better than anyone, maybe even better then Chris knew himself. He knew the difference of Chris's tones. The one he had used to tell the brunette he loved him was, yes desperate, but fused with a truthful tone. Josh smiled to himself and decided to get a glass of water, seeing as his crying-fest last night had left him parched.

Josh hummed to himself as he reached into the cabinet and pulled out a plastic cup, filling it with water before taking a big gulp, sighing in relief as the cold water hit the back of his throat. Glancing over at the cabinets, his pill bottle caught his eye and he bit his lip. He had been taken them and they helped a little, but not enough. Steeling himself, Josh quickly grabbed the right dosage and took the pills. He was not going to fall back into his old habits. He wasn't living just, if any, for himself now.

"JOSH?!"

The smaller man jumped as Chris barreled into the room, panic on his face. Chris's eyes darted around, the panicked orbs wide with fear, before his eyes finally settled into Josh. Josh sent him a tentative smile, then gasped as Chris pulled him into a bone-crushing hug.

"You ok Cochise?" Josh asked playfully, stopping his awkward laughter as Chris's sobs shook his body. Josh frowned and asked "Chris?"

"I-I thought..." Chris hiccuped and Josh smiled sadly before saying "Chris, look at me bro."

As Chris looked up at Josh, Josh took the blond's face and said "Look at me. I promise, I won't do that to you. Not without saying goodbye at least."

Chris shook his head and pulled Josh closer and whispered fiercely "No, not ever!"

As Chris pulled him in for a heated kiss, their bodies fitting perfectly against each other, Josh knew that, at least for now, he was going to be ok, with Chris by his side.