It hurts, being left behind all the time; never getting a chance to hide behind something soild and know the eyes that forget you aren't watching. But no one ever really gets that luxury, especially me, I sit back with an oblivious smile saying, "yes of course I'm ok, why do ask?" It isn't exactly a walk in the park in my shoes, it isn't easy to look into the life of the person you think you know, but see things completely different to your own expectations. It seems, for me, that love is an excellent connection to this rule, my true colors have been raised, and at first it hurt when I was eaten alive by the people I thought cared for me...the people I always looked up to. What is the thing I recieve other than greif? A glimse of the world that they've kept from my grasp. And for a split second, I was glad that no one remembered my name, who I was, my identity and messed it up with someone else. The scars that were left on my soul will never be fully healed, not after a rejection from someone like her; a force like a wrath of some sort of heavenly body crushed my heart in two when they fell in love with each other. He says she is his world, but she was and is not only my world, but my entire universe since we were kids. He says these things like he knows everything there is to know about love, not because he is the nation of love, but because he got to her first. But in this state of madness I ask myself, "is it worth it? Dealing with this pain, both of them, just because of me being denied the only thing I thought was happiness?" I've come to a conclusion, and that answer is yes, because it's worth it, she's worth it. Love is lost if one chooses to let it be, that's what I have to say about this entire jumble of aches and pains of losing the sense of normalicy everyone thought they had. Rain, so much of it poured down after that, life being drained from ocean to fill the clouds greif and despair poured down ontop of me as I walk home, Amelia still had my glasses, but now it doesn't matter, for what's the point of seeing when the only thing I want see is forever out of my reach, no matter how hard I try to get to it? Foggy, the sidewalk looks like it's leading me somewhere, but not even it knows where; blurrying and twisting from side to side as rain water dripped from my bangs down into my eyes. I stop and look up at the monument of a french explorer who found this region with emptiness at first, but then it slowly built up to rage as my eyes narrowed to get a better look at the disgusting chunk of metal that ruined the park. How could Francis just stand there and say he knows I'll find someone...? He barely knows me at all, he never talked to me much even when I was little girl, he tries to comfort a heart that can never be mended, it's like he's picking away at it on purpose saying, "I told you, someone like you doesn't have a chance in this life. What makes you think you can have her, after all, I am the nation of love! You are nothing more than a capital."
This hate just doesn't want to leave me, it wont stop burning.
Before I realize what I'm doing, a loud bone chilling sound of bending metal clashes along with the thunder as I rip off the metal cain the statue is holding fills my ears as I start hacking away at it. True love takes time, don't worry, you'll find someone. A shock wave from the contact runs down my arm and up to my skull, making me stumble to the ground. But half of the monument remains, and the fuel drove me back up and caused me to swing away at it again. No one sees me...Alfred has the spotlight, I'm invisible. "You're invisible?" I shout out at nothing, tears welling up in my eyes again. "You always got what you wanted, friends, attention from Francis and Matthew, and what did I get growing up? Nothing! Nothing but glares and a 'who are you?' from everyone...!" I did love Francis first...
The last swing crashed down on the statue which caused the cain to brake in my hands, a shard to slide across my palm as a result, the blinding pain made me double over again. "N-No...get out of my head...I know...I-I know Amelia..." I whispered as I took the ribbons out from my hair and wrapped them around the cut. In time, this fight will fade away like a bad memory to them, but for me...I'll be forced to relive this day over and over again the moment my eyes close. Her tears, the misunderstandings, and Francis...his smug attitude when he boasted about being a lover and not a fighter, but he'll fight if he has too. Well, he fought alright, but he didn't really have to, Amelia wouldn't have picked me in the end. I mean after all, I am her sister, why on earth would she want to love me more than a sister? I'm moving before I realize I'm off the ground, and I'm running before I fully realize I was walking in the first place. The buildings seemed to be twisting and curving around me as I dashed down the streets, voices of strangers filled my ears as my feet hit the pavement. Nothing feels real anymore, I fear I don't want to face this new reality I've forced unto myself by opening my mouth and telling her, but not only her, but to him as well. Or maybe it isn't fear of facing them again, it might be something more complex than I've originally thought of...maybe it's the pain they've recieved is the reason I can't bring myself to think of seeing them again and to let them know how I really feel. I take a sharp left, but trip on my own feet and crash into the ground hard; the rawness of my skin getting torn off by the pavement and the sight of blood prickling down my knees and hand rushed over my body. I stagger up and stare ahead of myself with sadness when I realized I ran all the way back home, but luckily for me, Matthew is over at Taiwans house for the night, so he won't be able to see me in this broken state. I sighed quietly and walked up the stairs and entered the house slowly, the cool air immediatly began to freeze me up since I was soaked to the bone. The next 10 minutes seemed to blur together into one single moment; heading up stairs and striping down to clean and bandage my wounds before changing into my pajamas whirled by, then sitting down on my bed crying along with the sky just bled right along into me falling asleep.
"..na...? Mina, wake up...!" My eyes were greeted by a very worried Matthew, "Are you ok? The front door was wide open when I got here, and the floor was wet..." His eyes drifted to my knees and hand, growing wider was they moved back and forth between them and my gaze. "What on earth happened to you...?" I sat up slowly and placed a hand on Matthews' shoulder, "brother I'm fine...I just got distracted and tripped onto the sidewalk, causing me to skin my knees and hand...how is Taiwan?" I ask quietly as I slid off the bed, trying to distract both myself and Matthew. "She's fine. Mina, I saw the ribbon in the bathroom, those injuries are serious," his eyes lock onto my hand. "At least that one is, the bandage is completely red with blood." I look down and blink in suprise, it was bleeding alot, yes, but it didn't seem that deep. "Mathew...I-It's nothing, honestly-"
"I know what happened, Francis called and told me everything last night."
I froze and turn to him with agonized eyes, "b-big brother..." He smiled sadly and shoke his head, then placed his hands on her shoulders, "look, I know we fought before that happened to the three of you, and I apologize for not asking for your forgiveness sooner...but now I need you to believe me when I say that I want to help you now." I lowered my head, then stared at my bare feet as he kept on about something like this shouldn't bring me down, but his words just went right through me. He means well, I know that, but Matthew would never truly understand how much I've been drowning into peoples emotions, encluding my own.
No, it will never be ok.
Amour, you are lost to me forever...
I now realize I'll never have you back...
Amelia.