SAVAGE POTATOES
STARING
John Cleese as Himself
Michael Palin as Mr. Gerald Shmunst
Eric Idle as Mrs. Abigail Shmunst
Scene begins with pan of street scene. Cars parked along side, quaint London suburb. Rest on house, zoom on door. Standing at door is woman (man in drag) and husband.
CLEESE:
Talking softly from off camera
This is Mr. Gerald Shmunst and his wife Abigail. They live here at number 3145 Cheerywood Lane, in the Yorkshire suburb of London. For several weeks now their home has been overrun by savage potatoes.
Cut to close up shot of couple on porch for interview
Mr. Shmunst, when was it that you realized your home was being overrun by savage potatoes?
MR. SHMUNST:
Oh, it was about two weeks ago when they started appearin'. One day we didn' have any potatoes in the house, then the next morning we woke up and the whole bloody kitchen was full of'um.
MRS. SHMUNST:
Yes. I was goin' to have potato soup for supper that night, but I couldn't find a single one in the house. I certainly have enough now to make loads of potato soup.
MR. SHMUNST:
Yeah, except we can't use these potatoes; them in there are savages they is. We can't even take a step now without a bloody potato under foot. Then they make that squealin' noise that hurts your ears when you step on 'um.
CLEESE:
Would you describe these particular potatoes for us?
MR. SHMUNST:
Why? Ain't you ever seen a potato? Well, they're all brown, and small, very small, with their beady black eyes and big 'ol ears. And the tail, can't forget the tail. You know, like normal potatoes, only these ones are savages alright.
MRS. SHMUNST:
And they ate every bit of cheese in the house.
MR. SHMUNST:
Yeah, I almost forgot about the cheese.
CLEESE:
So, you're saying that your house is being overrun by savage potatoes that are small and brown with big ears and black eyes.
MR. SHMUNST:
Beady black eyes, can't forget they're beady.
CLEESE:
walks into camera view to talk to Mr. and Mrs. Shmunst
Yes, beady black eyes. Well, I don't believe your home is being overrun by potatoes, I believe those are mice all over your house.
MR. SHMUNST:
Mice, what do you mean mice?
CLEESE:
You know, little furry rodents, that have big round ears, make a squeaking sound and eat lots of cheese. Makes a mouse impression and squeaky noise.
MR. SHMUNST:
Yeah, that's it. That's like the potatoes all running round the house.
MRS. SHMUNST:
That's a very good potato impression, do you do them often?
CLEESE:
No, no, no. That's not a potato, it's a mouse.
MR. SHMUNST:
Don't you think I know a potato when I see it? And them in there are potatoes. See for yourself.
Mr. Shmunst opens the door, and picture changes from this to black and white reel of screaming women, then Japanese people running like in Godzilla, then fainting woman.
Cuts back to scene with Cleese and Mr. and Mrs. Shmunst
CLEESE:
Lowers his microphone and turns away to leave
Oh there's nothing here but a house full of bloody rodents. Let's get outta here; I'll buy the coffee this time.
Cameraman lowers camera so brief view of the ground before cuts out to fuzz and black as the recording is stopped.