ONE
the Pizza Bowl
A director is watching actors audition. Mr. DeFazio
is behind the counter, at the cash register.
"Ugh... can't any of you get this scene right!?" the
director yelled and tossed the script on a nearby
table. He went over to Mr. DeFazio and said, "I'm
really sorry, but if I can't find two guys for these
roles, I won't be able to pay you for the use of your
establishment."
Mr. DeFazio shook his hand and said, "It won't be the
first time." He turned and walked away, mumbling
something in incomprehensible Italian... or maybe it
was English?
The director turned back to the would-be actors and
said, "Two idiots could do this scene!"
"Hello!" Squiggy said, barging in with Lenny right
behind him.
The director looked at Lenny and Squiggy and asked,
"Have you two ever acted in anything?"
Squiggy walked up to him and said, "We was
Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dum in 'Alice In
Wonderland'."
"Yeah, I was Tweedle-Dum..." Lenny added.
"I was 'Dum'!" Squiggy argued.
"Yes, you were," Lenny agreed and sat at one of the
tables.
"How would you guys like to audition for a TV show?"
the director asked.
Lenny looked at him. "Us?... a TV show?..."
"We accept!" Squiggy said, shaking the director's
hand.
TWO
Laverne & Shirley's apartment, the next day
The girls are just waking up.
The alarm went off. Laverne knocked it to the floor
and rolled over to go back to sleep.
Shirley sat up. "Laverne! I am not going to let yu
take off another day from work just because you have
a sore throat!"
Laverne rolled over and glared at Shirley and, in a
horse voice, mumbled, "Shirl, I don't feel good and I
don't feel like gettin' sicker by goin' to the
brewery and bein' crowded by a bunch of other sick
people who have friends like you!"
"Hello!?" Squiggy yelled from their living room.
"Get rid of them!" Laverne grumbled, horsely, and
rolled back over.
"All right, all right!" Shirley said. She got up,
grabbed her robe, and went into the living room and
found the boys sitting on the couch. "What are you
doing here at this time of morning?..."
"Big news..." Lenny started.
Squiggy cut him off. "We been hired as actors in a
TV show!"
Shirley crossed her arms. "Sure... and I'm dating
Paul Newman!" she said, walking over to the kitchen.
Lenny turned to Squiggy and said, "I didn't know she
was datin' Paul Newman!"
Squiggy cringed, got up, and went towards the
kitchen, "Shirley Wilheminy Feeney! You callin' me a
liar?!"
"Yes... yes, I am," Shirley said, sitting down at the
kitchen table.
Squiggy took the other seat at the table. "Just for
that, we ain't gonna let ya help us rehearse...
What?!" Squiggy said.
Shirley was looking past him. Her mouth dropped
open.
Squiggy turned to see what she was looking at and saw
that Lenny was sitting on the couch. He looked at
Shirley and said, "I guess we'll be rehearsin' with
Laverne..." he paused, "Lenny already is."
Shirley jumped up and ran towards the bedroom. She
stopped at the door just in time to see Laverne slap
Lenny. Shirley pushed past him as he was leaving the
room and sat next to laverne on her bed and the two
began mumbling.
Lenny walked into the living room, holding a hand on
his cheek.
Squiggy got up, went over to him, and said, "Atleast
you got to rehearse!"
THREE
later that day
Shirley has just gotten home from the brewery. She
opened the door and saw Laverne sitting on the couch,
laughing. "Laverne!? What are you doing?"
Laverne turned to look at her and, still laughing,
said, "This is the funniest thing I've ever read!"
Shirley came up to the couch and Laverne gave her the
boys' script. She looked at it. "Lenny and Squiggy
weren't joking... This is a real script!"
Laverne grabbed it from her. "I only made it to page
sixteen..." She flipped through the pages and stoppd
at seventeen and began reading. She got a quarter of
the way down the page and stopped. "Shirl! You
gotta read this!"
Shirley looked at her skeptically. "I am not going
to read anything you point out. Knowing you, it's
probably something smutty!"
"Hello!" Squiggy said, throwing the door open. he
and Lenny came in and sat down on either side of
Laverne.
Lenny took the script from Laverne. "I was wondering
where we left this."
Squiggy grabbed it from Lenny. "You was readin'
this?"
Laverne cleared her throat, but still said horsely,
"I only got a quarter of the way down page
seventeen... It's hilarious!"
"Why don'tcha come with us and sit in the audience?"
Lenny asked.
"Why would they wanna do that? They wouldn't know a
good comedy if it slapped them in the face!" Squiggy
said.
Lenny glared at him.
"We'll go!" Shirley answered, suddenly. "Now, would
you two mind getting out of here," she said. She
went over and opened the door for them.
The boys got up, went to the door, and stopped.
"Clean yourselves up and we'll go to the studio,"
Squiggy said, turned, and went up the stairs.
"And try to look as good as we do!" Lenny added,
turned, and slammed the door behind him.
Laverne looked at Shirley. "You're gettin' soft."
She got up and went into the bedroom to change.
"I am not getting soft!" Shirley mumbled to herself.
"I just wanted to get rid of them!" she said and went
into the bedroom.
FOUR
the TV studio
The director is shouting at the lighting crew in
incomprehensible German... or maybe it was
English?
The boys walk onto the set with the girls right
behind them. Laverne is taking picture of
everything.
"Laverne, stop that!" Shirley told her, trying to
grab the camera.
The director walked over to greet the boys. "I see
you bought your own fan club... Say, they'd be
perfect for this show!"
The girls stopped fighting over the camera.
"You mean we can be in this, too?" Shirley asked.
Laverne clicked a picture of the director. "He knows
talent when he sees it!"
Shirley leaned closer to Laverne and whispered, "Then
why did he hire Lenny and Squiggy?"
"He was desperate," Laverne answered.
The director showed them around the studio.
Laverne clicked another picture. "This looks so
real!"
"Scene four!" the director yelled.
Shirley leaned closer to Laverne and whispered, "Did
you read scene four?"
"I didn't get past the second," Laverne answered.
The girls looked at the boys. Squiggy had a big grin
on his face and Lenny looked a little pale.
The director took the boys to another part of the set
that had an outside view of a window with a
one-foot-wide ledge. It was set on a platform and
was raised ten feet off the ground. A member of the
crew carried a ladder over and propped it up against
the set.
"Let's see if we could possibly get this in one
take!" the director yelled. He went over to Lenny
and began to push him towards the ladder.
"No! I don't wanna! I don't wanna! I don't wanna!"
Lenny yelled, digging the heels of his boots into the
floor.
Squiggy came up next to him and said, "Just don't
look down. The worst that can happen is if ya fall,
you land on the floor insteada the mats!"
The director stopped pushing him and Lenny ran
straight into the bathroom, holding a hand over his
mouth.
The director threw his arms up. "I give up! I need
a stunt double... or a drink, whichever comes first."
FIVE
the girls' apartment, the next morning
A knock is heard.
"Girls."
Laverne staggered out of the bedroom. "What!? I'm
sick! I don't wanna..." She opened the door.
Lenny is standing at the door and is looking very
pale.
"Lenny? What're you doin' here?" Laverne asked.
"You're gonna catch whatever I got..."
"Too late," Lenny told her. He walked over to the
end of the couch and flopped down on it face first.
"I just don't wanna be alone," he mumbled into the
cushion.
Laverne walked towards the couch. "Heh, Squiggy's at
the studio and Shirley's at the brewery... and we're
here... sick... together... Whatta life!"
Lenny moaned into the cushion, "Shirl's at the
studio..." He trailed off.
"Huh? What's you say?" Laverne asked. No answer.
"Len?" she said. She knelt on the floor and shook
his shoulder. Nothing. "Len?" she said again, this
time receiving a snore. Laverne stood up and walked
towards the bedroom. "I wish I could fall asleep
that fast."
SIX
ten minutes later
"SHIRLEY"S AT THE STUDIO!?!?" Laverne screamed. She
jumped up, out of bed and ran nto the living room,
towards the couch. She began shaking Lenny.
Lenny moaned, then stirred. "What?" he whined.
"It's no time to whine... Did you say that Shirl was
at the studio?" Laverne asked.
Lenny looked at her, his eyes blank. "I did?"
"That's what I'm askin' YOU!" Laverne said, beginning
to shake him again. "Don't confuse me!"
"Well, don't shake me! I don't wanna feel like I'm
on a tilt-o-whirl..." Lenny said, trying to make her
stop shaking him.
Laverne let go. "Sorry, now, did you say that
Shirley was at the studio?'
Lenny looked down at the cushion, then sneezed. He
sniffed. "Yeah... I said that... You got a tissue?"
"Are you sure this time?" Laverne asked, handing him a
tissue.
Lenny blew his nose, then said, "Yup, Squig left a
note sayin' he and Shirl went to the studio."
Laverne thought for a moment, then came to the
conclusion, "Shirl must not be feelin' too good
either!" She paused, "Oh, I'm too sick to run after
her... but if Squig tries to pull anythin'..." She
looked at Lenny, "Are you listenin' to me?"
Lenny snored.
"Some answer," Laverne mumbled and went back into her
bedroom.
SEVEN
later that afternoon
We see the inside of the girls' apartment, but hear words from outside the apartment.
"Will you leave me alone?!" Shirley asked, loudly.
"Why should I? This is all your fault!" Squiggy accused.
The door to the girls' apartment flies open. Shirley barges in, with Squiggy right behind her.
"So we were fired! That script was horrid!" Shirley said. She looked over at the couch. "What's he doin' here!?" She pointed at Lenny, who was still laying face down on the couch.
Laverne came out of the bedroom. "Can't you be a little quieter? I'm tryin' to sleep, here!"
Shirley pointed at Lenny again.
"You're not gonna wake him up!... But you woke me up!... What are you two arguin' about, anyway?" Laverne asked.
"She got us fired!" Squiggy said, accusingly.
Laverne held back a laugh. "Shirl?! You're kiddin', right?"
"No... we... I got us fired," Shirley said.
"How'd you do that?... What'd you do to do that?" Laverne asked.
Shirley went towards Laverne. "Let's go into the bedroom. Then I'll explain... Because I don't wanna Squiggy say that I got us fired again!"
The girls went into their bedroom.
Squiggy went over behind the couch and mumbled, "She got us fired!"
"How'd she do that?"
Squiggy freaked. he jumped away from the couch, holding a hand over his heart(?). "Lenny! Don't do that!... I thought you was dead."
Lenny picked up his head and said, "Thanks for the compliment, Squig." He dropped his face into the cushion again.
Stay tuned for part 2!