From the creators of Moogles on Ice, and Chocobo Idol comes the new hit series
Freaky
Idiots
Now
Act
Loopy
From
A
Notebook
That's
Awfully
Sneaky
Yeah . . .
What happens when we make different people with widely different backgrounds and personalities live together? Hilarity insures of course! They could win great riches or end up in prison; does it matter as long as our viewers are entertained? We have made sure to choose the most interesting, odd, homicidal, fucked up people to make this show super interesting!
"Who are you talking to?" Lightning asked.
The narrator spazzed like a kitten caught in trash compacter.
"The audience!" The narrator said, after regaining his composure.
"Well stop, it looks like you're talking to yourself."
The narrator coughed once. "At least I'm not breaking the fourth wall."
"There is no fourth wa-"
"SHHH! They don't know that!" The narrator covered her mouth quickly.
He pasted on his fake camera smile.
"What did I tell you? We have some crazy people on this show-OWW!"
The narrator pulled his hand off of Lightnings mouth and rubbed the slightly hickyish bite-mark she had left there.
Lightning wiped her mouth.
"When was the last time you washed your hands?" She spit.
"That information is irrelevant." He said.
The narrator straightened the expensive tie he had bought at the dollar tree.
"Anyway, it's time to introduce the contestants."
"I'm here against my will." Lightning added immediately.
"You wouldn't be here if you hadn't attacked Mickey Mouse." The narrator stated.
"It was self-defense!" She protested.
"Sure it was." The narrator said. "It doesn't matter if it was self-defense, being on this show is punishment the judge gave you."
It was if the entire world had frozen. Then time slowly began to go forward. Lightning slowly began to clench her fist. The narrator's smug expression turned into one of horror as she moved in to slug him. The narrator tried to get away, but he could not. No one could escape the wrath of Lightning. In what seemed like two long minutes, her fist had finally impacted the narrators face. The narrator fell backwards, a silent scream on his lips. He hit the ground with a force that could smash an elephant, cease "One Winged Angel" in its tracks, and/or send Bahamut crying to its mother. It was so painful, so violent that the narrator-
"If you don't stop it right now, I really will hit you." Lightning said to the monologuing narrator.
He frowned. "But it adds drama to an otherwise forgettable event."
"The only forgettable person around here is you." Lightning said bluntly. "You don't even have a name."
"Yes I do!" The narrator said with an energy that was more powerful than a hundred raging Cactaurs. "It's-"
Then the show went to commercials.
"Dammit." The narrator said.
*After commercials*
"Anyway, I believe that it's time to introduce our contestants," The narrator said. "You've already met Lightning." He gestured to the glaring woman.
The glaring woman glared.
"Would you like to introduce yourself Lightning."
She glared.
The narrator got the message.
"Lightning is from a small, poor, AIDS infested mountain village in Asia." He began.
"I'm from a large, rich, beachside tourist trap in Europe."
The narrator glared at her.
"Would you rather tell the story?" He asked her sarcastically.
"I might as well, since you'll just turn it into a twisted drama to draw in vile viewers who enjoy watching misfortune."
The narrator stared at her.
"That's not what I'm doing at all!" He protested.
She glared at him.
The narrator coughed.
"Continue then." He said.
"My parents died in a way that's irrelevant to the plot, my sister ran off with her delinquent of a boyfriend-"
"And then you wished him away to the Labyrinth!" The narrator said excitedly.
There was a profound silence.
"Actually, that's exactly what happened." Lightning said grudgingly.
The narrator fist pumped.
"Anyway, Serah then went into the clutches of Emperor Mateus to save him. Then I got involved in a secret plot that involved Mcdonalds, the last copy of Final Fantasy Versus, sinister moogles , and an evil plot orchestrated by Disney to split up my OTP."
The narrator was silent.
"That's when you punched Mickey Mouse, right?"
Lightning facepalmed.
"Yes if you must know, that's when I punched Mickey Mouse." Lightning snarled. "But I did it for the greater good!"
"I thought you said you acted in self-defense."
"Who cares what I said, I was probably drunk when I said it."
There was yet another profound silence.
The narrator shuffled the papers that magically appeared in his hands.
"Moving on to our next contestant then."
"No way." Lightning said. "You are not cutting me of-"
The scene changed.
"So Tidus, tell the nice viewers about yourself." The narrator said.
"Well . . ." Tidus brilliantly began. "I hate my dad."
"Okay, that's a start." The narrator added. "Why do you hate him?"
"My mom loved him more than me."
There was an awkward silence. The narrator began writing something down on an invisible notebook.
"So, an Oedipus Complex then." He asked.
"That's what the shrink said." Tidus admitted.
The narrator coughed.
"So, I here that you're the star player of a game called blitzball."
"Actually blitzball is a torture method that they use in my home country. You're trapped in a giant sphere of water with no chance of escape."
There was yet another awkward silence.
"So, you've been tortured a lot then?" The narrator asked.
"I've been in there so many times that I can now breathe underwater." Tidus said bluntly.
"That's . . . nice." The narrator said.
The silence was so deep that a moogle could drown in it.
"I hate my dad." Tidus said.
"You do realize he's here on the show?"
It was as if a wild beast inside of Tidus had been unleashed, snarling with the dark desire for blood.
"Where. Is. He." Tidus enunciated.
"That information is irrelevant." The narrator said as he inched away slowly.
Tidus started pounding on his chest. He roared, and then ripped off his shirt.
"WHERE! IS! HE!" Tidus shouted in a way that would give an omnicidal maniac the heeby jeebies. A tranquilizer dart then promptly struck Tidus in the ass. He crumpled onto the floor and started snoring.
The narrator looked at the person who had shot the dart.
"Oh, it's you."
The newcomer smiled.
"I think I just won the record for most dramatic entrance ever!" Said the newcomer.
"No, that award still belongs to Sephiroth."
"His entrance wasn't so dramatic!"
"He killed a flower girl; I think that's as dramatic as it gets." The narrator said.
The newcomer pouted.
"That's not faaair!" He whined. "Why do people like him so much if he killed a flower girl?"
"As a wise, drunk person once said, vile viewers enjoy watching misfortune. That's why Sephiroth is so popular."
"That makes as much sense as anything else around here." The newcomer said, brushing back his shampoo commercial worthy hair.
Tidus lay on the floor, forgotten by the narrator and everyone else. He then disappeared from the room and went to the dimension where plot holes lay until they are sewn up.
"So" The narrator began. "Would you like to introduce yourself?"
The soon to be named newcomer bowed slightly at the waist.
"I would love to." He paused dramatically for a moment. "I am the one who haunts your darkest homoerotic nightmares, the one who can use the world's supply of shampoo in an hour, the one who can cause a type Z Apocalypse before breakfast, the only male villain that can wear a thong and pull it off-"
"That last parts debatable." The narrator added.
The newcomer glared at him.
"I am the cruelest, most sinister, not to mention prettiest villain there ever has, or ever will be." He paused dramatically once more. "I am . . . "
Then they cut to commercial.
"I hate commercials." Kuja muttered. "They always cut off my evil monologues."
"Finally something we agree on." The narrator added.