Rules for Dating My Son
December 2nd 2013
by Elise the Writing Desk, characters by QuinRose

Today will be a big day; my boyfriend, Peter, is going to take me to see his mother. Well, technically, step-mother, but whatever. I've only seen her in pictures, and the woman is absolutely stunning.

And I feel like scaring my tits off.

"Don't be so nervous, dear Alice." Peter smiled assuringly, stroking my hand as he parks his Volvo in his huge garage. "My mom will love you, just like I do."

I giggle at his tendency to rhyme.

Still, I'm just a petty commoner, and here I am in a grand 7 million dollars winter lodge of the White Family. Jesus Cheesey Christ.

What happened.

How am I getting this white-headed prince falling for me in the first place? That's what I'm thinking as we walk together towards the crazy huge lodge, and lines of servant bow as we pass. Mother of God. I think I want to run and hide.

Then the front door is opened by two butlers, revealing the Queen; Vivaldi White, majesticly beautiful with purple curls and beautiful eyes, skin perfectly glowing despite it was a moonless night. And why the heck am I getting all poet-sy.

"Welcome, darling..." first, she embraced her son, and then turned to me with a smile. "You must be the frequently spoken Alice Liddell. What a lovely..." she looked up and down and me. "...Young lady!"

First, I punched the stutters into mush and swallowed them as saliva, before projecting a smile which I'm pretty sure looks like I'm getting a tootache, or maybe I look like someone who needs to take a dump very soon.

"You're very beautiful, madam." Thank Christ, I nailed that.

"Why thank you," Vivaldi nodded with the same graceful smile, and we're guided to the grand hall with freaking expensive red carpet; are my shoes even allowed to step on it!?

"Peter, why don't you tell Robert to fetch us some tea? I'll take our dear Alice to the gazebo."

"Very well, mother." Peter nodded, and smiled lovingly at me, for a second there made me calm, until her mother gripped my wrist and practically dragged me away.

"We need to have some little chats." she said, with now visible dangerous on her smile.

I wish I'm the carpet.

~.X.~

I've been a good citizen for all my eighteen years of life, and never got in touch with the police. So, I wonder if THIS is how it feels to go through an interrogation. Vivaldi shoves me into a seat in the gazebo and then from under the table between us, pulls out several stack of papers which for a second there I'm sure, my picture flashed on the front page.

"Alice Liddell, eighteen years old, yes? Taurian, not really compatible with Peter Darling."

Jesus Christ, astrology first, seriously?

"AB, pretty sly."

Blood Type!?

"Ah, your father works under my husband's." Vivaldi set down the papers on her laps, smiling as if she just caught her prey. Which is me. "Tell me, Alice. Did your father introduced you to my Dear?"

Dear? Peter, you mean?

"No." It's easier to be honest, it's easier to be honest, I keep repeating this in my mind.

"Good. I suppose you haven't gotten the thoughts of using my son as a way to promote your father, yes?" Vivaldi chuckled and flicked the next page.

Don't call her 'bitch', Alice. Bite your tongue. Jesus Christ. She's doing this on purpose.

"You met Dear during college, yes? What subject you're taking?"

"I'm finished my doctor training...so I'm learning Forensic."

She seems startled and quickly goes through her papers. "I didn't find that here..."

"I didn't have to write it down in the new application." I cleared my throat. "S-So I didn't."

She huffed as if it was one point taken from her. "Fair enough. You're quite humble, I admit. Now, what's your future plan?"

"Joining the law enforcers..." I almost added 'of course' or 'duh' but I'm sure that won't be wise to imply that she's kind of slow.

She chuckled, and then sighed, throwing her papers somewhere, and crossed one of her legs on top of the other. That, from movies, is a gesture where the business talk begins. So I swallow my guts and hope they won't come out from up or bottom.

Which means I hope I don't burp or fart or shit myself.

"Very well, I must admit, academically you're outstanding and your status in social world isn't questionable. It'll be quite honorable to be acquainted with doctors and forensic researchers for future needs."

Jesus Christ, this is so old-fashioned.

She smiled, but her coldness wavered.

"I will try to accept you, and I hope you do the same for me, dear Alice."

I raise my eyebrows and tried to smile. "Thank you, madam."

"Oh, call me Vivi. Before that, let us get some points straight..." she chuckled. "First of all, he's not yourATM. And where is your pen and note!? I don't see you writing!"

I magically pulled out a note and pen and began to write down the first rule.

"So if even once I witness, informed or in any way, know, that you use money from my son in any way...I will make you go away."

"Second, if you show up looking like a stripper, I will make you go away."

Mother of God.

"#3 If I see any 'sexts' on his phone, I will make you go away."

I wanna go home. I think I'm gonna cry.

"#4 If I don't like you, I will make you go away."

Peter, I love you, but your mom is crazy and I'm scared.

"#5 Understand that I can make you go away."

I seriously need to pee.

"#6 He's a 'mama boy'. Unless you have a ring on your finger, your argument is invalid."

I wish I'm dead than being here.

"#7 You are not in charge of him and it's not up to you to change him. Take him as who he is, or see #5."

"#8 He is a gentleman. I taught him that. You better act like a lady and deserve that."

Try not to faint.

"#9 I know how to avoid jail. I'm friendly with police."

Try not to cry.

"#10 If you weasel your way past all these rules and fake your way to a ring on your finger, I will be something much worse than your boyfriend's mom. I will be your mother in law."

Try really hard not to cry.

"Tea's ready, mother!" Peter comes cheerfully and sits down beside me, followed by his butler. He stares at me. "Did you two have fun?"

Her mother giggled.

"Very much, Darling. I think I can love her just like you do."

~.X.~

To ensure the evil witch of my seriousness, I begged Peter not to drive me home with his expensive cars anymore. So he insists to walk me home and there I am, staring at the notes I took.

"So...what do you think about your mother?" he asks with an innocent smile.

I returned a smile to him, albeit nervously.

"I'm not sure if she likes me or warning me, but..." I laughed at the notes. "If I want to be worthy of you then I'll just fulfill her wishes anyway."

Just got inspired by a posting, and this comes out. And I have exactly 41 minutes to get ready for school. So review, if you have the time!