Killer With A Conscience
My name is Cassie.
And I don't know what I am anymore.
I've killed innocent souls. I've let murderers walk free.
I'm the killer with a conscience, as Drode said, once so long ago.
I kill people. Humans. Hork-Bajir. Even Taxxons.
And then I cry about it, later, in the night, when no one can hear me.
I . . . . I'm a murderer.
I used to believe that all life was sacred. That I would never take a life, on purpose.
I'm a hypocrite.
Marco says that I moralize too much.
I envy him, sometimes. To be able to draw the line from A to B, without having to worry about the consequences. About the morals, about whether something is right, or wrong.
Rachel gets mad when I talk to her about it. She thinks I'm saying that I'd let the world drop dead before I'd become what she is.
She's wrong.
And she's right.
I'm scared of her. Can you understand that?
That I could be afraid of the girl who's been my best friend for more than ten years? More than half of my life?
And yet . . . .
I'm afraid of my best friend. I envy my teammate for being ruthless. I envy Tobias and Ax for not being afraid.
At least Ax has the laws of honor to stop him, to say that he won't take a life.
And Tobias . . . . Tobias gave up so much, just to stay in the war.
Jake thinks that he understands how I feel. He's wrong.
No one can.
I've dug myself into a hole, so far that I can't dig myself out.
I've run into a corner, cornered myself.
Jake can't understand. He only sees a small window of what I see.
He understands having to make hard choices. He understands having to grow up to become an adult, too fast.
But he doesn't understand what it's like, to corner yourself, to find that there's no way out, that you're trapped.
And he can't understand what I feel.
Jake can't. Rachel can't. Not Tobias, or Ax, or Marco.
They can only see the war.
They can only see the way I smile on the outside as my heart bleeds for the ones I've killed.
They can't see me, when I turn out the lights, when I pull my covers over my heads, and see the face of the enemy in my dreams.
[A/N: Well? Liked it, loved it, hated it? Send any and all replies to me at anifuture@hotmail.com. And take a look at my webpage, at http://anifuture.hypermart.net.]