Part One: Past
The first time it happens, Jack is not sure what to think. He's always said (and believed) that he is not the type of man to get jealous in a relationship, and at times it has even been true. Before he met the Doctor, and periods after when he refuses to let himself care too much.
But then he meets someone whom he hadn't planned on falling for, someone who inevitably brings it out, and he knows he's fallen when he feels that twinge in his gut, along with the voice in his head whispering that the man he's seeing is sleeping with someone else, or the woman he's dating would be happier with someone else, because he's not good enough and never will be.
Usually this twinge is Jack's clue to back off. If his lover were seeing someone else, that other person could certainly offer more than Jack can, and ending things leaves his lover free to pursue another relationship. Particularly as he becomes more and more ensnared in Torchwood, Jack knows he can never fully commit to someone in the way most of his partners are looking for because his life is nothing but secrets, secrets he used to think he could never share.
And Jack isn't going to commit anyway, no matter how much he's wanted to at times, because it always hurts in the end, and it always ends. They will die, or he will leave, or even worse, they will leave him, like Lucia Morretti, who'd found out his secret and couldn't stand to look at him anymore. She'd not only left him, but had gone into hiding as fast as she could with their daughter in tow.
So when Ianto returns from a weekend away looking more relaxed than Jack has seen him for months, Jack tries not to acknowledge that twinge in his gut, or the voice whispering to him that Ianto is happier because he has not been with Jack all weekend. He certainly has no reason to suspect that Ianto went away with someone, but the thought forces its way into his mind anyway. It's been six weeks since he returned and asked Ianto on a date, wanting more from their relationship. They've worked through things and grown closer, and Jack is happy. He's also fairly sure that Ianto isn't the type to step out behind Jack's back, nor could he keep something like that secret if he was, but the niggle of doubt burrows deep.
He welcomes Ianto back with a deep kiss over coffee, wishing he and Ianto could go away together one day, but he knows it's an impossible dream, so he doesn't think about it or the twinge of jealousy, and tries to make the most of the time they have.
The problem is, Jack isn't sure if he's making the most of their time together or if Ianto is happy with it. Oh, he professes a good time when he and Jack manage to go out, and he even seems happy and relaxed when they stay in. And the way he calls Jack's name in bed leaves no doubts as to his enjoyment of that particular activity, not that Jack has ever had any complaints.
Yet every so often, Ianto begs off with plans for the night, and Jack hates the feeling in the pit of his stomach, the feeling of being left behind, not wanted. When Ianto takes another weekend off several months into their relationship, not long after the incident with the space whale they failed to save, Jack has to force himself not to track Ianto's phone. He knows his behavior with Gwen made him look like an arse in front of the team and suspects Ianto could use some space. He considers going on the pull for a night, but finds the idea bothers him too much to follow through. Even the thought of Ianto naked and wrapped around someone else does little to motivate him. He sulks the next day; the others call him on it, so he goes and sulks some more on his favorite rooftop.
He hates what it really means, and ignores it in favor of Weevil hunting, but it's not the same without Ianto.
The third time Ianto takes a weekend off is the most difficult yet. They're all still rattled from their lost days, though, so he understands that Ianto can use some time away. He seems particularly affected, worried that he has done something wrong. He heads out for the weekend with a silent wave, and Jack knows that the twinge in his gut isn't only jealousy and his deep fear that Ianto is enjoying time with someone else, but also a very real sense of longing. He misses Ianto and wants to be the one spending time with him, comforting him after a bad day, making him happy away from the daily grind of their lives at Torchwood. He suspects he'll never be that man, however, and it hurts. He wants to be more, but doesn't know how.
Jack can't help it when Ianto returns from his trip with a new, shorter hairstyle and the beginnings of the sexiest beard Jack has seen in years. His fear and insecurity (and yes, jealousy) get the better of him. While the girls coo over his new look and ask about his time off, Jack can only nod and force a smile before he retreats to his office, confused and disappointed.
It isn't long before Ianto comes to see him, two mugs of coffee and a gift bag in his hands. Not wanting to be rude, especially because Ianto looks damn good with a beard and Jack sort of hopes the gift is for him, he puts on a smile and even tries for a subtle leer.
"Gonna let me try out that stubble?" he asks, and is pleased when Ianto runs a hand along his jaw, slightly embarrassed.
"Yes, well about that," he starts, and Jack waves him away.
"Leave it," he says. "It's hot."
Instead of looking surprised or embarrassed as he often does over such compliments, Ianto rolls his eyes and nods. "Thought you might think so," he murmurs. He places the gift bag in front of Jack. "And I thought you might like that, too."
"Aw, you shouldn't have," Jack jokes. He hopes it isn't obvious that he's covering up his nerves. He and Ianto have not really exchanged gifts, particularly random non-holiday gifts. Jack took Ianto out for his birthday, but that was the extent of their gift giving to one another. He ignores the thought that gifts sometimes indicate guilt.
Jack reaches into the bag and pulls out a bottle of wine. Not just any bottle, it is a 1929 Château Lascombes—expensive and rare. He swallows thickly, wondering if Ianto knows how special this particular bottle is to him. He clears his throat.
"Thank you." He clears it again when his voice cracks. "It's…it's amazing. How did you know?"
Ianto raises an eyebrow. "Know what?"
"It's one of my favorites. I haven't had it for years…decades," Jack murmurs, tracing a finger over the elegant gold lettering as he loses himself in memories of years long ago for a moment, memories he's fairly certain he hasn't shared with Ianto yet.
"You mentioned it once," Ianto replies, looking away for some reason Jack can't place. "I knew I had to get it when I saw it."
"Thank you," Jack says again. "Where in the world did you find it?"
This time Ianto clears his throat. "Little wine shop over the weekend. Maybe we could go sometime." Ianto glances down, hands slipping into his pockets and right foot toeing the ground in that way he has when he is nervous. "I was hoping you might be willing to share. Rift-willing, perhaps we could open it tonight?"
Jack grins and stands up to saunter around the desk. "Anything particular in mind?"
If Ianto were one to blush, Jack is sure he'd be bright red. Instead the Welshman shrugs again, going for nonchalant, failing to pull it off only because Jack is starting to learn him so well.
"I was thinking maybe you could come back to mine tonight. Cook dinner, drink wine, catch up."
"Catch up?" Jack wraps his arms around Ianto's waist and is secretly thrilled when the other man doesn't protest as much as he usually would at work. In fact, Ianto mirrors his action and pulls them closer together. "Why, did you miss me?" Jack whispers into his ear.
"Only if you missed me," Ianto replies softly. Jack's breath catches at the vulnerability in the other man's voice. He runs his hand up Ianto's back and brings it to his face, delighting in the feel of the stubble there. Ianto's face betrays none of his insecure words as he steadily meets Jack's gaze. Jack smiles and leans forward to kiss him.
"I did," he says. "Every time you were gone."
Ianto grins and kisses him back, and Jack could get lost in the kiss, it's that amazing. Those simple words have apparently had a profound effect on Ianto; he kisses with more passion and confidence than usual, and Jack rapidly finds his thoughts going places he tries not to go in the middle of the workday. Ianto seems to be having similar thoughts as his hands roam freely down Jack's back and along his arse, but then he steps away, reluctantly straightening his tie.
"I missed you too," he says softly, then laughs as he traces a finger along Jack's lips. "You've got beard burn. Better stay in here until your face isn't so red."
Jack kisses him again. "I don't care. I want to go back to yours right now and open that wine and let you ravage me all over with that beard."
Ianto mock-groans. "That's cruel, Jack. I'll be thinking about it all day now."
"I could always meet you downstairs for a quick reunion," Jack suggests with a wag of his eyebrows.
There's a hard knock at the door and they jump apart as Owen barges in. "Reunionize somewhere else, sometime else. Or never. We've got a case."
Ianto has a hard time meeting Owen's eyes, but he does offer Jack the soft smile Jack prizes so much, the look that he likes to think means Ianto is actually happy with him. He wants to see that look all the time, and he wants to be the only one who makes Ianto smile like that. He puts aside any thoughts of Ianto spending the weekend in bed with someone else and decides he will start working on that smile later that night.
When Owen dies a few weeks later, Jack tries to push Ianto away. He knows Ianto is upset with him and understands if the man wants nothing to do with him. Jack is best left alone to brood over his mistakes, and he knows it. Yet Ianto seems to know exactly when to give him space and exactly when to be there for him. He knows what Jack needs almost before Jack needs it, and for a fortnight they are together constantly, coping with Owen's death and Jack's part in it together.
Jack idly wonders if Ianto feels the same twinge of jealousy with Martha around that Jack sometimes feels when Ianto is out, but he knows Ianto is too professional to show it at work, and too stubborn to let slip in private. If Ianto seems more aggressive in bed than usual, Jack tells himself it's because they are both using sex as a coping mechanism. It was how their relationship had started, after all.
They go back to Ianto's flat almost every night, until the Saturday after Martha leaves and Ianto tells Jack he is going to spend the night at his sister's in Newport. He seems reluctant, and Jack can't help but wonder if it's because he doesn't want to see his sister (he's professed not feeling particularly close to her) or if it's because Ianto is lying to him.
He resists the urge to follow, but gives in to the need to track Ianto. He hates himself, feeling like a spy and a stalker and an overbearing boss all at once, but he needs the peace of mind, and justifies it by reasoning that he should be able to find and get in touch with Ianto quickly now that they are functioning with one less than fully capable team member. He's also feeling much more protective of his team, even more so of Ianto. Imagining Ianto in Owen's place makes Jack's heart clench painfully in his chest.
Strangely enough, he cannot find Ianto's signal anywhere. Even if his phone turned off or dead, Jack should still be able to track it with the sophisticated equipment at the Hub and the even better programs that Tosh wrote to go with them. The vague thought that perhaps Ianto is off planet brings a nervous laugh. It is more likely his phone has been destroyed, which Jack doesn't want to think about either, particularly when Ianto fails to answer Jack's text message. He's spent several hours worrying about it when Ianto texts him at two in the morning to reassure Jack that he is fine and there must be a glitch in the program.
He offers no other explanation, however, and when he comes in slightly later than is his habit the next day, Jack wonders once more about Ianto's night. He asks if Ianto had a good time, to which Ianto sighs, looking almost sad, and simply nods. And then suddenly and without warning he kisses Jack hard, hands roaming everywhere until Jack is lost to Ianto's sudden passion.
He tells himself Ianto missed him, but worries it's more guilt than desire.
Author's Note:
I'm really not sure where this idea came from, but I started it on a plane ride a few weeks ago and it came pretty quick. There are three short parts, Past, Present, and Future. It might be what you think, it might not. Read the next part before you decide? Thank you to Taamar for beta reading and fixing the tenses, any mistakes are my own as I'm really not used to writing this way! And thanks for reading, hope you enjoy the next part!