Midnight Bliss II: The Mayor's Mistake
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I, Damuramu, shall forever regret this.
-Damuramu, Dragon Half
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Ein Mann geht ins Lokal,
sucht die Dame seiner Wahl
und mit Worten öd und schal,
bringt dieselbe er zu Fall.
Und das geht so: Dideldum, dideldei, Tirili, irgendwie, tirilo, kenn ich Sie von irgendwo!
ist da noch ein Platzerl frei?
So allein, schöne Frau?
Mei, sann Ihre Augen blau!
Schalali, schalala, Herr Ober, bringen's uns no zwa!
Pommery, Pommeru, stoss' ma an und sog'n ma du!
Und weil wir so einsam sann, trink' ma aus und gemma ham.
Küss die Hand, schöne Frau, Mit der Dame an der Hand
Ihre Augen sind so blau,
tirili, tirilo, tirila!
Küss die Hand, schöne Frau,
wenn ich in Ihre Augen schau,
dann bin ich dem 7. Himmel nah!
geht es dann zum Taxistand.
Doch das Ziel dieser Fahrt
ist bis dato unbekannt.
Zu mir nach Hause könn' ma nicht, Bussi, bussi, z'erst das Handi, dann das Fussi!
weil der Klempner grad was richt'.
Grübel, grübel und studier,
warum fahr' ma net zu dir?
Schmusibu, schmusibo, geh, komm sei doch net a so!
Schatziputz, Mausiherz, ich liebe dich, das ist kein Scherz!
Fummel, fummel, gille, gille, du nimmst eh die Pille?!
Küss die Hand, schöne Frau,
Ihre Augen sind so blau,
tirili, tirilo, tirila!
Küss die Hand, schöne Frau, Einen Tag danach, als es geschah im Schlafgemach:
wenn ich in Ihre Augen schau,
dann bin ich dem 7. Himmel nah!
„Hallo, Bussibärli, ich bin's, die Helga!"
Ah, Helga, wer, Helga wie?
Diesen Namen hört ich nie!
„Na, dein Mausilein von gestern!"
Weh oh weh, weh oh mir,
tut mir leid, ich bin nicht hier!
„Hahaha...Wann kommst den wieder?"
Tralala, tralali,
was heißt du, wir san per Sie!
Warum ich so leise red?
Ich bin krank und lieg im Bett!
Transpiri, transpira,
ich bin leider net alla!
Hinter mir steht meine Frau,
sieben Kinder und der Hund, also ciao!
Lyrics to "Küss die Hand, schöne Frau" by EAV
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Gene hurried away from Castle of Blood. This had been a mistake. A major mistake. And all he knew was that he had to get back to Fix-It Felix, Jr. before someone saw him.
"Hey baby! Where you going so fast?"
Gene wobbled on the platform shoes.
"Hey, wait up toots!"
A tall man in a basketball uniform suddenly stood in front of him, forcing him to come to a halt. "I ain't seen you around here."
"Ah, I was just plugged in about a week ago," Gene answered, reaching for something to cover his poor judgment.
The athlete winked. "Hey, so you're one of those sweet little new girls we always hear about. Well my name's Willie. Why don't you let me show you around the arcade." He gave the basketball tucked under his arm an enthusiastic bounce.
"Maybe another time," Gene responded. And he'd meant it to sound gruff and unencouraging, but somehow his refusal sounded like a flirty challenge when passed through these new lips of his.
Suddenly there was another basketball player there next to Willie. "Heya sweetie. Well since you don't want to hang with Willie, why don't you come with me? And forgive me for saying so, but you've got it goin' on, baby."
"Yes. I'm sure I do," Gene growled and tried to sidestep the pair. But the second athlete somehow managed to catch him in his long arms and spin him into an embrace. Gene lost his balance on the sexy shoes and would have hit the floor were it not for the arms holding onto him.
"Easy there sweetie. I've got you."
"Yes. Well thank you. Now I must be going."
"Hey now, don't you want to hang out with Willie and Carl? We'll show you a good time here at Litwak's—take you out show you the sights. Do you like basketball? We can get you court-side seats."
"Tempting, but no thank you." Gene made another break for it, and was much relieved to find the two tall men weren't following. This was so embarrassing.
Scanning the route ahead, he could see the entrance to his own game now and he breathed a sigh of relief. Soon he'd be home. He had a key for the back door of Niceland, so he could slip around and up that rarely used stairwell. It would be a long climb, but no one would be there. Everyone usually used the front door and the elevator. He tottered along—his route set out for him. Just into the terminal, into the tram, around the back of the pond, in the back door, up the stairs, and he was home free. He gave himself a mental pat on the back. It was so close.
And then he spotted something that made his stomach sink all the way to the bottom of his curvy new figure.
Ralph.
Ralph was standing at the entrance into Game Central Station, obviously just finishing up an 'interview' with the Surge Protector.
Curses! Why did he have to be there? And why did he have to be staring his direction right now, and obviously looking at him now too. Even the Surge Protector was looking. This wasn't fair. Both were smiling at him. No, not smiling. They were leering. Hadn't they ever seen a woman before?
Gene changed his route and walked right on past. All right. Ralph was probably headed over to Tapper's. That place was pretty much the wrecker's second home, and this was about the time of night he usually went there. He slowed his steps, estimating how long it would take the Surge Protector to finish with Ralph, and then how long it would take for Ralph to move on over toward the saloon game. He added a few more seconds before turning around.
And on turning around he saw that nothing had changed. The two men were still staring at him. God, why did that Midnight Bliss move have to work so well? And then Ralph smiled broader and walked up to him.
Gene wanted to run, but there was no way he could outrun Ralph, in or out of these shoes. He'd have to bluff his way out of this like he had with the basketball players, and then wait until Ralph had moved on. Why oh why did his timing have to be so bad right now?
"Hi there," Ralph smiled down. Even though Gene was twice as tall after the transformation, Ralph still was far taller. "I hope you don't mind me saying hello, but I didn't recognize you."
"Oh...heh-heh. No. My game was just plugged in a week ago. Have to be going. Ta-ta." It had worked on the basketball players, and surely Ralph wasn't any smarter.
"Really? I didn't know there were any new games added recently."
"Oh well, yes." Gene noticed that Ralph was keeping his freakishly large hands tucked behind his back. Was the wrecker really pick him up? He'd at least give him the benefit of the doubt, if anything for his own peace of mind. Ralph was known for being friendly.
Gene quickly stepped away, heading in the opposite direction of Tappers. "Must be going. Nice to meet you."
"Hey wait. If you're new here, I should introduce myself." Ralph began walking at Gene's side, a big goofy smile on his face. "I'm Ralph. Wreck-It Ralph. I'm from that game over there," he said with a nod of his head. Gene noticed that the wrecker had carefully omitted his status as the game's villain, and that he was still keeping his hands out of sight. "And you are?"
"Um...uh...Gee... Jean... Jeannie."
"Nice to meet you, Jeannie. What game are you from?"
"Oh, just some new sports game. I'm...uh...I'm an NPC."
"That's great," Ralph said. And Jeannie thought that even if she'd announced herself as the Devil's sister at that point, the reaction would have been the same. For a moment Ralph's eyes dipped to the take in the cleavage presented by the low cut neckline of the blouse.
"Well, nice to meet you, Mr. Ralph," she tried again, changing directions, and walking off at an angle. "Must be going. Ta-ta!"
"So soon? I was thinking I could take you over to Burger Time. Maybe buy you dinner? You being new here and all."
Jeannie froze. Dinner? Ralph was offering to buy her dinner?
Deep inside, something told her to say no. Something said, "You can go buy your own dinner there tomorrow, when you're yourself again. Just concentrate on getting away." But somewhere between that deep inside and the vocal cords, that message mutated into: "Dinner? I've not had dinner yet. And I am hungry. I'd love to have you take me out to dinner."
Ralph beamed. "They make the best hamburgers over in Burger Time. You're going to love it."
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Jeannie was kicking herself. Here she was sitting opposite Ralph in a Burger Time booth, stuffing fries into her pretty, pouty lips with her right hand and clutching her third burger in her left.
Ralph satg across the table from her, having called it quits at two burgers, watching her eat. His head leaned dreamily into the hand that was braced on the tabletop. "I love a girl who can handle a burger like a man," he gushed. "Could I order you another? Still my treat."
"Ooh...Ralph! Could I have another? Or two?" She winked at him, somehow forgetful of what she should really be answering. Her sins were stacking up. The transformation. Dating Ralph to get hamburgers. Three hamburgers. Flirting with Ralph to get more hamburgers. If anyone ever found out she'd be in so much trouble. Overeating alone was enough, but playing the femme fatale to get someone to buy them for her...
"I guess I know where all those curves of yours come from now," Ralph mused. He signaled the waitress and ordered for the third time that night.
The waitress looked at Jeannie, who was draining her shake. She'd served all sorts here, from tiny sprites to hulking monsters, but there'd never been a customer like this, the buxom brunette with the cute face who was eating as if the world were ending tomorrow. "Would you like another shake, miss?"
Jeannie nodded, and then flipped up two fingers, her mouth too full to ask for two.
Ralph chuckled. "Whatever she wants."
And soon the third round of food was on the table. Even Ken and Ryu, sitting in the booth across the aisle, had begun to notice. Of course they'd noticed the moment that Ralph had showed up with the beautiful date, but watching her put away three hamburgers and still have room for more...that was spectacular.
Ralph on the other hand couldn't believe his luck to have met this girl. She wouldn't be a cheap date by any means, but this was the sort of girl he could really grow to love. And halfway through the fifth burger she finally showed signs of slowing, but managed to finish the whole thing and lick the sauce off of her fingers and red-painted nails, and somehow she looked so sexy when doing it. Even Ken and Ryu were staring.
"I was wondering if you'd like to go to Tapper's now for a drink," Ralph offered, "unless you want to hang out here for longer."
Jeannie winced. Dinner and drinks? She'd been planning on excusing herself to the restroom, but would in fact duck out of Burger Time and make a beeline for home, leaving Ralph behind wondering where his date had gotten to. How long would he sit there waiting for the girl that never returned? It would be the perfect escape and no one would ever be the wiser. But now he was going to take her to Tapper's? Oh why did Ralph have to be so nice?
"I've never been to Tapper's. It's a bar?" she asked, trying to sound naïve.
Ralph nodded. "They've got great rootbeer there, and some other drinks as well if you know what to order."
"I'd love to!" She winked at Ralph encouragingly. It was so easy being a woman with him.
Ralph paid the bill and he walked her over to Tapper's, no longer hiding his hands from her. In fact he'd gotten her to take his elbow when they walked. Jeannie hadn't wanted to, but if she kept stringing him along, she'd have everything she wanted as well.
There were a few whistles when Ralph walked her inside, all eminating from the group of Hero's Duty soldiers at one of the counters (wasn't there always a group of Hero's Duty soldiers there?) who waved at Ralph and called after Jeannie as they went past, "hate to see you go but love to watch you walk away, honey." Jeannie turned around to glare, but somehow the glare just came out as a wink. What was with this transformation? And then there were some basketball players over with Tapper—thankfully not the same ones as before—who at her whistled as well.
Ralph pulled out a barstool for Jeannie and then took the one next to her. Tapper appeared and set a couple of mugs of rootbeer in front of them. "Tapper, this is Jeannie. She's new in town. Anything she wants tonight, put it on my tab."
Tapper smiled and nodded. "All right. Nice to meet you Miss Jeannie."
Ralph could drink a lot, but to his surprise, and Tapper's surprise, and the surprise of the men hovering nearby, Jeannie matched him drink for drink. And after three rootbeers, Jeannie asked Tapper if he had anything stronger.
Tapper went for a bottle of vodka, and after serving her two shots out of it, he just set it beside her and let her help herself. It only contained about three more servings, and Ralph wondered if she would have emptied the bottle as quickly as she did, had it been full.
"Jeannie, you're absolutely amazing," Ralph gushed. No, she wouldn't be a cheap date, but she was worth every coin spent.
"Why th-thank yous," she slurred. While she could drink a lot, she still felt it.
"How about a kiss?" he smiled, leaning in closer.
Oh great. He's putting the moves on me, she winced. He's going to be spending the rest of the evening wanting smoochies and …
Tapper walked past with two martinis on a tray that he was taking over to a couple at one of the tables. Jeannie's eyes grew wide and she licked her lips, a motion not at all missed by Ralph. He looked back over his shoulder to see what had caught his date's eye. "Oh, you like martinis?"
Jeannie nodded, transfixed by the sight of the two drinks. She swore she could hear angels singing as Tapper placed them on the table and the couple toasted each other. There were twinkling lights and choruses of bells as the martinis were raised to lips and sipped in slow motion.
"Could I get you a martini?" offered Ralph slyly.
Jeannie nodded as if in a trance.
Ralph leaned forward, pointed to his lips, and puckered them slightly. Apparently there was a price to be paid for a martini.
And what she did next startled them both.
Jeannie threw her arms around Ralph's neck, mashed her lips against his, and kissed him with all the gusto she'd displayed in eating dinner and downing the rootbeer. About halfway through, she suddenly realized she was kissing Ralph and pulled away, staring at the shocked expression on his face. Ralph's face. Cripes. She was kissing Ralph.
And why not? She threw herself back into it, kissing him with enough enthusiasm to garner some applause from the other guys hanging about nearby.
On letting go, both were panting for breath. And then she wiped off her lips. "Can I have a martini now?"
Ralph was staring at her with a goofy look on his face. He'd been expecting a little peck on the cheek. "You can have a whole pitcher if you want," he choked.
Jeannie drank the first of the three martinis Tapper brought over, and as she started into the second one, Ralph was accosted by one of the Hero's Duty soldiers. "So Ralph. Your date can drink, but can she dance too?"
"Of coursh I can dance!" she blurted.
The soldier smiled. "Well let's get some music in here then." He nodded at Tapper.
Tapper, eager himself to see the show, put on something with a good beat and turned up the volume. Ralph settled back onto his barstool as Jeannie began to shake and swing her wide hips in time to the music. Soon, most of the bar's patrons were gathered about watching her dance, martini in one hand and the music in her feet. And while she wasn't a great dancer, she certainly was worth watching. Again to Ralph's surprise she came up to him and began to sway and grind rather suggestively against his knees. One of the basketball players came up and stuffed a few paper bills into the neckline of her dress, which made her giggle.
When she turned back around, Ralph passed her the third martini on the bar. He was going to drink it himself, but he'd changed his mind. She winked at him as she took the drink and then downed it while swinging that fabulous big butt of hers between his knees. She had such a great body—sturdy and curvy and overly plump where she should simply be plump. Some programmer really knew how to put together a fantasy girl.
As her hand traced sexy circles on the top of his thigh, Ralph paid his tab. A week's income, gone in one night, but so worth it. Her smiles and her company and that kiss and her flaunting dance and the jealous looks the other men were giving him had been the best thing that had happened to him in ages.
"Where we going?" Jeannie asked as Ralph escorted her out of Tapper's
"I'm just going to walk you home. It's getting late. And we've all got a full day of work tomorrow."
"Oh...thas right. I was having so much fun I almosht forgot."
"So where's your game? I'll walk you back."
Jeannie grimaced. Her game. She had to get back to Niceland before transforming back into Gene. But how was she going to get out of this predicament now? And then a thought suddenly hit. "Why don't we go back to your game?"
Ralph looked down at her. She was winking at him again. Long dark eyelashes and a twinkle in her eyes. "Really?" And then he cracked a huge grin. "All right."
Perfect. She'd end up back in Fix-It Felix, Jr.. And then all she had to do was find some excuse to step away for a moment, and then when Ralph wasn't looking or paying attention she could make a break for it. It was so easy.
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Gene woke up, finding the throbbing in his head and the slight nausea in his stomach an unpleasant greeting. He'd really overdone it last night. He clutched at the bed covers happily, smiling smugly. Overdone it at Ralph's expense. Poor Ralph had wined and dined the lovely Jeannie, paying for everything and getting only a few kisses in return for his troubles.
And then he realized that something was wrong. The bedsheets smelled different. They smelled somewhat earthy...smelled something of bricks.
His eyes flew open and he was struck by a dreadful revelation. This wasn't his bed in the penthouse. He was in Ralph's bed. That noise...that breathing noise he'd noticed and ignored. That was Ralph's breathing.
No no no no no no no no no no no no! This wasn't real. It couldn't be real. Biting his lip, he dared to sit up.
Yes, he was indeed in Ralph's bed. With Ralph. And then the last memories of the previous night floated back and he cringed in disgust and horror. Somehow he'd not made his brilliant escape.
No no no no no no no no no no no no! Not that... Not what had happened next. Oh why did he have to remember that? Hands and lips everywhere. Ralph had been repaid with more than a few kisses.
He looked down at himself. He'd made the transformation back and was thankfully dressed as he should be. He just had to escape and pray that no one was out roaming in the pre-dawn hours.
He gently slipped out of the bed, for once appreciative that he was small in stature. Full of tension, he carefully opened the door, ready to bolt if the sleeping giant stirred. And once the door was closed behind him he ran, forgetting the pounding in his head and the lurching in his gut and the feeling of disgust in his throat.
He'd known that it had been a mistake the moment Demitri Maximoff had touched him. What he hadn't expected was the hideous chain of mistakes that first would touch off.
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Gene's stomach turned as he heard Ralph's battlecry. "I'm gonna wreck it!" He braced himself as the human Donkey Kong scaled the building. Moments later the ape's fist came through the wall, seized him, and tossed him off-screen. And when he landed in the forest, he sighed and wished he could simply lie there and hope it all went away.
At least no one seemed to know. No one had even looked at him funny. And Ralph hadn't even changed a thing in their daily routine.
He trudged back to Niceland, only to find the game was already over. The player had only gone two rounds before moving on to another console.
Ralph and Felix danced through their demo-screen for a while, trading off in time so that the Nicelander ladies could go through their demonstration mode. Some of the men retreated for coffee.
Gene followed, aching for another cup of coffee, and to his shock, he realized that Ralph was telling the story of this amazing girl he'd met last night. "You should have seen her eat. It was like a black hole. Five burgers along with all the fries and three shakes."
Gene winced. The wrecker had been paying attention...far too much attention.
"And then I took her over to Tapper's, and the same thing. I think she could out-drink me and your wife put together," he said to Felix.
Don and Norwood were chuckling. "Yeah, but what did she look like? I mean if you want to date a girl who can eat, there's that pig-queen over in what's-that-game-with-all-the-weird-farm-animals?"
"That's the thing. She was hot! Cute hair, nice clothes, pretty face, great tits, little waist, fabulous ass, nice legs. I was good and kept my hands off of her...for a while."
The other men were standing around awestruck. "So are you going to see her again?"
Ralph grabbed his coffee mug and sat down on one of the benches. "I hope to. I hope I didn't scare her off." His smirk was a little lopsided.
"Wait, did you take her home?"
"What? Did the noise keep you up last night?" he grinned smugly.
Felix squeaked like a little girl and Don gave him a thumbs up. Norwood slapped him a high-five.
Ralph began to regale them with what had transpired after he'd gotten Jeannie back to Fix-It Felix, Jr.. From the way he was describing it, it sounded amazing that they'd even managed to make it into Ralph's house before the clothes started coming off.
Gene realized he was both fuming and blushing, but then he could hold his tongue no longer. "Ralph, that's all kiss and tell. You're such a dog."
"You're just jealous, Gene," Ralph retorted, "because you know that you'll never have a girlfriend that hot". And then he paused. "Gene...Jeannie."
Gene blanched.
"Same name almost."
Gene's hand shook so hard that the contents of his coffee cup were beginning to slosh over the lip
"Yeah, well don't even think about asking her out, as cute as you think you two would be together," Ralph said possessively, pointing at Gene.
"No no...no no no. All yours." Gene breathed a sigh of relief. Oh how close that moment had been. The throbbing in his head had turned into a relentlessly painful pounding for a moment there.
Kiss and tell or not, Ralph went on with the story.
"With both feet at the same time?"
"Upside down?"
"Not even Tammy does that. I wonder if she even could?"
Gene so wanted to slap them all.
And then Ralph was sighing. "I hope I can find her again. She never even said what game she was from."
"Well good luck to you, brother," said Norwood. We're all rooting for you. Even Gene."
Gene gave them what he hoped would sound like a typical grumble. He took his coffee and went outside, toddling back and forth in front of Niceland.
And then he smiled. He'd gotten away with it. No one was the wiser about his foolish escapade. No one knew the shameful depths he'd dragged himself though last night, the sins of pride, gluttony, and lust all making a fool of him.
But then he realized there was something else behind his smile, something that shocked him when he realized that his feelings had swung that way. Ralph had been so excited about Jeannie. The bad guy met this great woman and had enjoyed every moment with her. And somewhere deep inside, Gene felt good that he'd given the wrecker something to smile about. As much as he considered Ralph his nemesis, somewhere in the depths of his being there was a sliver of care for the man. Admittedly, he was secretly proud of himself, even if he dared not admit it to himself.
Of course Ralph would never see this fabulous girl again, but at least the wrecker would have some fantastic memories and an empty wallet to cling to.
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The End
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I want to thank my fellow author Candleheadbutt for the inspiration for this story. We were chatting about Midnight Bliss (Demitri Maximoff's move) vs. the Nicelanders and her love of Big Gene. And then she typed in: "Hey, the fact that he gets so grumpy when people tell him he's so small and cute is what makes him GEEEEEEENE. Well, that and his ability to drink everything in his bar and eat an entire cake. Little guy is a freakin' black hole." Suddenly the gears in my head began turning and within minutes I had a plot. Within hours I had most of a rough draft. I've never written a story this quickly.
Thank you so much for the inspiration, Candleheadbutt and the cute fan art you drew for this story as well!
"Küss die Hand, schöne Frau" by EAV can easily be found on the YouTube, and the chorus is so amazingly catchy, it will get stuck in your head, even if you don't speak German.
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Wreck-It Ralph and all related concepts, characters, worlds, and events are property of Walt Disney Pictures. Original characters and story elements are property of E. Potter, writing under the pen name of Miratete.
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