Title: Didn't You Know?
Author: DizzyDrea
Summary: In the dark and quiet of his bedroom, in the middle of the night, Tony DiNozzo finally cried for his lost friend and what might have been.
Rating: T
Spoilers: Twilight
Author's Notes: So, I loved Kate, and I loved Tony and Kate. And I know this is kinda late to be joining the party, but here it is just the same. And props to Kelly Pickler for her song, "Didn't You Know?" for inspiring this.
Disclaimer: NCIS and NCIS: Los Angeles and all its particulars are the property of CBS, Paramount, Donald P. Bellisario, Belisarius Productions, Shane Brennan, Shane Brennan Productions, and a lot of other people who aren't me. I am doing this for fun and for practice. Mostly for fun.
Author's Note 1-15-12: This is a companion piece/prequel to Smoke & Mirrors, which is also posted here. I'd previously posted this at AO3 and decided that I wanted to share it here as well.
~o~
It was late. Or early, depending on your perspective. The room was awash in the faint glow of the emergency lights. There were no voices, no phones ringing, none of the usual sounds of a living, breathing office building.
Tony DiNozzo stood in the empty bullpen, staring down at the desk across from his. It was empty now, the monitor and keyboard the only evidence that someone used to occupy it.
He couldn't believe someone had already packed her stuff. She hadn't been dead a week, and already they were moving on. His eyes slammed shut, trying to fight back the tears that thought provoked.
He didn't want her to be gone. He wanted to open his eyes and see her smiling up at him, as if it had all been a bad dream. But when he slit his eyes open, the same emptiness as before stared back at him.
"Going through my stuff again, Tony?"
He spun around, shocked when he saw her sitting on his desk. Kate Todd. She was supposed to be dead. Wasn't she?
He took a tentative step forward. "They've taken it all away."
Kate leaned around Tony and saw her empty desk. She frowned, then leaned back and looked at Tony, a small shrug lifting her shoulders. "Couldn't wait, I guess."
He took another step forward. "Am I dreaming?"
"If you were dreaming, I suspect I'd be dressed in my Catholic School uniform," she said sarcastically.
He flicked his eyes over her body, sitting atop his desk, knees crossed and hands propped behind her. She was wearing one of those conservative suits she loved so much—charcoal, pants, and most definitely not the Catholic School uniform.
He closed the distance between them and looked down at her, hitching his hands on his belt. He could feel his gun in its holster, had had to flick his jacket aside to get to his waist. So, if it wasn't a dream, was it a hallucination?
"Honestly, Tony, if you were hallucinating me, would I really be wearing this?" she asked him.
He shook his head. "I don't get it. I'm not dreaming, and I'm not hallucinating. What is this?"
"Does it have to be anything?" she asked.
"I'm just gonna go see if anybody else is here," he said, backing away from her.
Lightening quick, Kate's hand shot out and grabbed his jacket sleeve. "Don't go."
He stopped and turned around, looking at her—really looking at her—for the first time. She looked pinched, drawn. There was a sadness lurking in her eyes that hadn't been there before.
"Hey, you okay?" he asked, reaching out to her.
He honestly expected to touch nothing but air, but his hand landed gently on her cheek, and she leaned into the contact. He drew himself closer, feeling the slight tremble shaking her usually calm demeanor.
His heart, already broken into millions of little pieces, broke a little more. He pulled her close, wrapping his arms around her, holding her tightly, as if his life—and hers—depended on it.
"It'll be okay, Kate," he whispered into her hair. "I promise."
She shook her head. "It's not okay, Tony," she said. She pushed gently on his chest, leaning back to look him in the eyes. "I died. How is that okay?"
Tony's eyes slammed shut once more. When he opened them, he could see tears pooling in hers.
"There's so much I haven't done," she whispered.
He lifted his hand to her cheek once more. "You mean like eating a Nathan's Famous Hot Dog? Or catching a game at Wrigley?"
"Or telling you how much I love you?" she asked.
"Love? Me?" he stuttered. "Now you're just being cruel."
"Didn't you know, Tony?" she asked. "Hadn't you figured it out?"
"You're serious," he said, awe in his voice. "You really loved me?"
She smiled. "Of course I really love you."
"Even though I can be more juvenile than an entire JV basketball team?"
Kate rolled her eyes. "Do you seriously expect me to believe that you stopped aging at twelve?"
Tony sobered. "No."
"Then believe me when I say that I can see you for who you are."
"And just who do you think I am?" he asked, head cocked to one side.
Kate rubbed her hands over his chest. "You're a man with a heart of gold who tries to hide it behind inappropriate humor and snarky comebacks. But I know better."
"Really?" he asked. "You see that?"
"And more," she said, nodding. "You're sense of justice is almost as finely honed as Gibbs', and you'll do anything to protect those who matter to you. What I could never understand was why, if you appreciate a woman who can challenge you, do you always seem to hook up with bimbos?"
"Because I couldn't have what—or should I say who—I really wanted," he whispered. "I knew there'd be no commitment with them, so I could get out anytime I wanted. Because the only girl I wanted to commit to was you."
She shook her head. "All that wasted time."
"Yeah," he sighed.
"Promise me something?" she asked, and there was a note of urgency in her voice.
"Anything," he said.
"Promise me that if you meet someone, someday," she said, laying a finger over his lips when he made to object, "someone you come to care about, maybe even love a little. Promise me you'll tell her you love her before it's too late. Promise me, Tony."
"I don't know if I can, Katie," he choked out.
"You have to, Tony," she practically begged. "I need to know that you'll let yourself be happy someday. I need to know that you won't stop living just because I'm gone."
Tony closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He could do this. Because she was the most important person in the world to him. He opened his eyes and looked deep into hers.
"I promise that, if I find someone as wonderful as you, and I fall as deeply in love with her as I have with you, I'll tell her."
Kate gasped. "You love me?"
"Didn't you know?" he asked, a sly smile on his face. "Didn't you know that the only reason I gave you such a hard time was because I was trying to cover up the fact that I'd fallen quick and hard for you?"
"Oh, Tony," she choked out.
She pulled him to her and crushed her lips to his. Tony wound his arms around her waist, locking her to him as he deepened the kiss. This kiss wasn't sweet and loving, like he had imagined it would be. This kiss was desperate and frustrated and tinged with the salt of tears.
After long moments, he could feel her pulling away from him. He clung to her tighter, desperate to keep her with him for just a few minutes more. But the more he held on, the more he felt her slipping away…
~o~
Tony sat bolt upright in bed, gasping for air.
It had been so real. Seeing Kate, holding her, kissing her.
It had all been so real, but it had been nothing but a dream.
He flopped back down, stretching his arms across the empty bed, the images from his dream playing over and over in his mind.
She'd said she loved him. Was it just a dream? Or did she really love him and had somehow found a way to tell him?
He wanted to believe that, wanted to believe that she'd seen right through to the man he was when no one was watching. He wanted to believe that she'd seen how loyal and protective he was of her. And he wanted, more than anything, to believe that he'd been able to tell her he loved her before she'd gone.
Because he hadn't said it to her before she'd died, but there, in that dream, he'd had the courage to say the words. He didn't think he ever would, but it seemed that with Kate, none of the normal rules applied.
And therein lay the rub. He'd finally found a woman he could love. He'd finally found a woman that wouldn't judge him too harshly for being shallow and selfish because she knew better than to believe in the façade.
And now she was gone. And the sadness of that knowledge did what nothing else could.
In the dark and quiet of his bedroom, in the middle of the night, Tony DiNozzo finally cried for his lost friend and what might have been.
~Finis