Disclamer: all hp characters belong to JK Rowling, no, in fact, we do not own them…

In the beginning… there was Ron. And then there was Ron complaining to Harry.

"I dunno, Harry, I think Percy's finally gone off the deep end… 'e's lost his marbles."

"What do you mean, Ron?" Harry asked.

"Well, he's been walking around, hunched over, humming some weird theme song, it seems like, and he keeps turning around quickly and staring oddly at dark corners." Harry nods sagely.

"Ohh…" Suddenly, Harry puts his hand to his forehead quickly. "AHHHH!! IT burns!"


"Harry!! HARRY!! You were ironing your pants. You just put the iron to your head!"


"Oh." Harry puts his hand down. All at once, Harry's scar starts flashing wild colors, and projecting a hologram that reads:

"HARRY POTTER!!! BEWARE! VOLDEMORT IS NEAR!!!!"


Harry's lips move as he tries to read the text backwards.

"Raen? Who's Raen Sitromedlov?"


"Always slow on the uptake, aren't you Harry?" Hermione walked in. She was still bitter about Harry dumping her 2 years ago. "We upgraded your scar while you were sleeping."


Suddenly, a distraction appears as McGonagall runs down the hall followed closely by Lupine, who is yelling "No! Minerva! Don't leave me, I love you! Look at me! I'm sexy!"


"I just can't take it anymore!" McGonagall yelled back, "I have to go to Costco to get Drano 'cause of all your hair in the shower! I HATE COSTCO! And you're always so mean at that time of the month. You become an animal! Goodbye my furry little love bucket…"


As they disappear down the hall everyone notices Percy, who is coming down the hallway with a dagger in his teeth-"Buh nuh nuh!"(His own theme music donncha know…).

"Perce, what's with the dagger in the teeth?" Ron asks as Percy whips around.

"Er, I'm umm…developing, uh…"


"Chest hair," Lupine appears, "Tell me about it." Lupine retreats into an empty classroom, and dissolves. A wounded howling emerges.

Percy stares, "Right. I'm uh, developing, no…it's a … Quidditch mouth guard!" Harry perks up.

"Really!??" Harry grabs the dagger and puts it in his mouth, cutting his lips. Hermione intervenes to save his life.

"Honestly, this kid should wear a helmet. Harry, knives aren't good for mouths."


"Oh."


Draco saunters down the hallway towards the bleeding Harry, a Hermione shaking her head in disgust, and Ron staring sideways at the Percy who is humming Buh nuh nuh under his breath and looking furtively around again. Draco is in TIGHT dragon skin pants. His hair is spiked and has green flecks in it.

"Hey Hermione, wanna go make out in a dark corner?"


"Umm… Draco, aren't you gay, though?"


"Hey that rhymes!" Ron interjected.

"WHAT???!!! I'M NOT GAY!!!!"


Harry says, "Oh." Ron hits Harry upside the head.

"Yah know, all those Quidditch accidents and encounters with Voldemort over the years have really made you simple minded. Will you please stop saying 'oh'!?"


Hermione is thinking. "Oh, ok. Why not?"


"STOP SAYING OH!!!!!!" An invisible voice cries out. Voldemort materializes next to Ron. "And what's with you people and dark corners??? They call ME the weird, twisted one!" Voldemort rips off his invisibility cloak in a rage, skewering Malfoy in the process. "Ha!" he cries, "fruit kabob!" Voldemort grabs Ron and disappears. Using this little shebang as a distraction, Percy tries to kill Dumbledore, but Dumbledore doesn't die because he's all-powerful. Percy puts his head in his hands starts to cry, and I mean really cry, as in Elijah Wood…


"I… I… I'm so-sorry pro-professor!!! My... my ambition has finally blossomed fully. NEWTS just aren't good enough. Head boy is a paltry little title. I want to be Headmaster." Percy looks up, an ugly look on his face. "That's why you just had to die." Dumbledore pats the obviously disturbed boy on the head.

"I'm sorry too, Percy. I'm sorry you will have to rot in Azkaban for this."


"What?!? NOOOOOO!!!" Dumbledore hands him over to some security guards who appeared, don't ask me how. Dumbledore turns to find Hermione staring in shock at the dead body and Harry looking confused. Dumbledore sighs.

"Voldemort?" Harry nods. Dumbledore sighs again. "I swear. If that Snape hadn't tinkered with the shields…" Hermione looked up sharply.

"I knew he was evil!!" Harry nodded. Dumbledore shakes his head irritatedly.

"No, no, no. Snape tried to funnel the shields' magic into his stereo equipment. He wanted to have Shakeera blasting while he jazzercised. He just didn't do it well enough and blew up both the stereo equipment and the shields. And Percy's little failed hostile takeover distracted me enough so that Voldemort could steal Ron." Dumbledore throws his hands up in disgust. "Since we are going to be horribly mangled anyway, we might as well have some fun before dying in grotesque and magical ways." At this, Dumbledore throws off his shirt and pants and breaks into the "Risky Business" routine (boxers and air guitar.)

As the students stare at their headmaster in complete disbelief, Sirius Black saunters down the hallway. Harry grins.

"Sirius, you're back!!!"


"Why aren't you still in hiding?" Hermione looked furtively up and down the hallway. Sirius shrugged.

"Eh. I didn't feel like it anymore. Anyway, Harry, I forgot to tell you something. I'm your fairy godmother."


"Oh. Wait. Does that mean you're female?"

"NO! Fine, I'm your fairy godfather. Make you happy?"


"Oh. Ok." Sirius looks oddly at him.

"Are you ok?" Hermione nods, a bit exasperated.

"Ron already pointed it out, before he was stolen by Lord Voldemort and his brother was taken away. Harry has sustained so many blows to the head, along with other body parts, that his capacity for thought and conversation has been somewhat… reduced." Sirius shakes his head.

"I was waiting for that to happen." Hermione looked shrewdly at Sirius Black.

"So… if you are a fairy godsomething, then you have magic powers, right?"


"Yeah. And?"


"Can you get Voldemort to come back with Ron?" Sirius shrugged.

"Sure, why not?"