I don't own anything. This is just a little thing from the point of view of a severed child. Also has some references that tie into The Amber Spyglass in the last paragraph. Enjoy.
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I can't really describe it to you, it's just one of those things that you don't know about until it happens to you, you know? Maybe that's a good thing, 'cause I wouldn't ever want anyone to feel it, not even my worst enemy. What am I saying, worst enemy? I don't have any enemy's, why would I? I'm just a normal kid. Well, I was. Now I'm about as far from normal as any kid can get. If you can even call me a kid anymore, if you can even call me a person.
I guess that if I had to say what it felt like, it was like pulling. You've pulled, haven't you? Everyone has, at one time or another, just to see how far you can go. Me and my Shuichi did it once, only once. God, why would anyone want to do it more than once? It hurt so bad, you just can't imagine how much it hurts until you do it. 'Course, you probably have done it, just to see. Well, that's what it feels like, only worse. Like all the pain in the world just comes to live in your chest, and it stays there. It doesn't go away when your daemon comes running back to you, because he can't come running back to you, not after it happens. The hurt just stays there in you, and it never gets any better, it gets worse, until you just want to lie down and sleep and never wake up again.
It's not only the hurt like you feel when you pull, though. There's something else, something that I really don't know how to say. I guess…I fell off the roof of a shop once, when I was just playing with my brother. I was all dizzy and confused for a few minutes, 'cause I hit my head, you know. That's what it feels like, kind of, just like you can't remember anything, and you don't got any daemon to tell it to you because…well, because of what they did. All you can think of is where is he, and where am I, and why isn't he with me?
No one ever told us that it could happen like that. No one ever said to us that there's a way to make us come apart, and be not the same anymore. I dunno if I woulda believed 'em if they had. I never woulda believed that I could ever be apart from Shuichi, my Shui. But then it happened, and I didn't know where I was, didn't know where my Shui was. All I knew is that something was wrong, something was missing from me. Like someone put a big hand inside me and ripped out my heart, and they put back in all the pain in the world.
I guess I might be dead. I don't know what it feels like to be dead, but it can't be that much worse than what I'm feeling right now. I just feel tired, like I want to lie down with Shuichi, him all furry around my neck, thinking my thoughts and feeling his heart beat same as mine, right next to me. I thought that if I was dead I would go somewhere else, but I'm just here, in this forest all alone, no daemon to tell me where to go. Maybe death is a forest, I dunno, no one ever said to me about that stuff. Always said I'd understand when I'm older. I know about heaven though. I know that it's nice and has everything you could ever want. So maybe I'll lie down here in the snow, and sleep for a while. If I wake up, it's just another day looking for some part of me that's missing. And if I don't, I wouldn't mind it. Because that just means that I'm gone, and I can be with my Shui again.
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Review, please J