I hate you I love you
Peyton sat by the window, staring blankly off into the night. The pita patter of rain drops lightly drizzling against the window resonated around the room, as a single lonely sound. The single coherent thought in her mind seemed like a grain of salt in the abyss of sand. Not every night before that one had been wonderful, but by comparison they were perfect. It seemed that all it took was one moment, one solitary moment and one wrong decision, to cause life to crash down, faster than the most tentatively built house of cards.
That day seemed so long ago, yet she remembered it as vividly as if merely seconds had passed. The running of one red light had changed forever changed things. It seemed stupid now that she had risked her life, trying to run every red light she could find, figuring that her life would be left to fate and not understanding how she could be so lucky every time, when her mom had not.
The one stabilising presence in her life since those days, had always been was Lucas Scott, the boy who had always seen something in her that even Peyton, at times could not. It was the memory of him that brought everything to the surface, the memory of all those times they had spent together, now shattered by what he had said tonight. There were so many memories, painful and beautiful all at once that she struggled to feel anything, but a complete and total numbness as another resurfaced.
The memory of walking in on Ellie would always be violently sharp, as she had lain still on the bed, a touch of blue to her lips and creating an instant awareness in Peyton that she was no longer there. The CD's she had carried so triumphantly crashed to floor, as she felt the tears pour out, clutching her face and begging for it all to be a bad dream. The solitary sound of a record finished playing its tune, now seeming poetically tragic.
Just as in earlier times Lucas had been there for her, there to say the right things, even the littlest things that made all the difference in the world. He had been her guiding light, taking her through the winding road of deaths, gunshots and crazy stalkers. Whether they had been together or not, his presence as a force in her life had pushed her to become something, something that would years ago have made her laugh to even think of. All her dreams were coming true now, so many that she would have given anything for just a short time ago, but now left a bitter and empty taste in her mouth. She would give them all up to erase one moment, the moment she had said "someday."
Her life had felt somehow frozen since that moment, left on hold for every day that he was not somehow in it. Years passed without them speaking, the time drifted away like ashes in the wind. The pull of home had brought her back; brought her back to him, hoping against hope for any semblance of a chance, even to rekindle the slightest of friendships.
Despite everything that had happened since her return, all the drama and embarrassment, she had almost felt that friendship had been possible. It would always be difficult not to want more, more from the man that made her feel like no other could, or probably ever would, but she was trying. It had been a hard time for him and whatever he needed; Peyton knew that she would be there for him, there in whatever way he was willing to let her into his life. Till tonight she had always felt there would be a space for her in his heart somewhere, then he had uttered those three words that caused her world shatter, like ice breaking above a river, leaving anyone standing upon it to fall in and drown.
Putting him to bed, he had looked so peaceful, ready to sleep and just as she felt content at ensuring his safe return from the bar, he had called her back. "Peyton?" He had almost whispered softly, as she had turned round. He had looked hazy eyed, but distinctly aware as he had uttered his next words "I hate you." He had shot lazily, but with a cutting purpose. The impact had been instant, causing the tears she had felt then to again well up in her eyes. "What?" She had replied almost inaudibly, still feeling stunned. As if saying he hated her wasn't bad enough, he drove the dagger home. "I wish you never came back. You ruined my life." He finished coldly, before collapsing back down onto the bed.
It was not until now that Peyton could even begin to process those words. At the time all there was left to do was leave as quickly as possible, praying it had all been some kind of insane nightmare, but knowing that it was not. Everything she had always feared, always left in the dark corners of her minds worst imaginings, was coming to pass; the single most important person in the world to her hated her. Even in the years they had been apart, there was always hope, a hope that had carried her through the lonely nights. That had now evaporated, leaving her to fear the death of her soul in a waterless emotional desert. She hated herself for feeling this, feeling worse than she had felt for anything and over the words one man. All the deaths and all the pain had never taken her to this place, for the last strand of belief she had in the greatness of life, hung on the belief that love could conquer anything. Perhaps it was naïve to think of love being an all conquering force, but in the time that had passed for her so far, it was the only one of life's promises of greatness that had never let her down.
There are 6,470,818,671 people in the world. Some are running scared. Some are coming home. Some tell lies to make it through the day. Others are just now facing the truth. Some are evil men, at war with good. And some are good, struggling with evil. Six billion people in the world. Six billion souls. And sometimes -- all you need is one.
Those words rang as true now as they had years ago, but the problem with only needing that one person, putting that one person above any other, is that the one person you need more than any other, can crush your heart as easily as the smallest bug is squashed by the biggest boot.
The rain stopped, leaving her surrounded by a jarring silence and darkness, completely alone with nothing but her own thoughts. Peyton felt a solitary tear slide slowly down her cheek and knew the hardest times were ahead, times contemplating where the future would take her and if she could ever love someone the way she had loved and still loved Lucas Scott.
The past few days had been a blur of confusion and regret, a tangled mess of all the things that one could want to forget, but refused to go away. He knew this migraine, like the rest, would only add to the problems and yet the only thing that had stopped him making it worse, was the knowledge that over the past few nights, the drinking had solved nothing.
So many sounds seemed to reverberate through his head, like tiny daggers of fire bouncing from one side of his skull to the next. "Someday…It's a comet…She's in love with you…broke her heart." All those words, all the sound was cluttered together and amongst it all he knew the truth of what he had done. The sound of an exploding water balloon crashing against his car, struck a chord of discontent he had forgotten about in remembering Haley's words.
She was right, Peyton didn't deserve that, she deserved so much better than that, better than what he could ever give her. He would never and could never hate her, but he had been drunk, angry and bitter, uttering those words to share his pain with the only person in the world who could understand it. Peyton would always hold a place in Lucas' heart, a place that no person could ever touch, but he knew she did not love him back the same way. That one word "someday" would forever echo through his mind, echo as the memory of the day his world began to fall apart.
If she couldn't love him the same way, couldn't commit to him, couldn't commit to the two of them sharing their love forever, why could she not just let him be happy? That would forever leave some feeling of anger towards her; it was not something he wanted to feel, but she had to let go. If Peyton didn't want him, she had to let him move on and be free to love someone else. Coming back here, a chain reaction had started that ruined everything, ruined his chance at having a family with the only woman he had dared to love since the day Peyton had refused his proposal. Lucas knew that for now he could not forgive her, not when all she wanted was the same as before, something with him, but not everything.
So much Lucas wished things could be different, still savouring the memory of every moment spent with her, even knowing forgetting might be easier. There had been so many memories, the day he had first seen her he knew he had glanced someone different, special and the kind of person who doesn't give in to all of life's pressures. Her skinny arms and tangled mess of hair, even then had been alluring; there was a mystery to her and a sense of personality he had seen nowhere else. Meeting her, he had not been disappointed. She carried an acid tongue and biting wit that only made him grin, and a sense of life's meaning that had made every talk with her a moment he still savoured, even the difficult ones.
Thinking of Peyton now was just too hard and made him bitter, it was impossible to forget her and nothing seemed to work. They had shared so many of life's important moments together and the memories surfaced whenever his mind had time to think. Peyton was the only one who brought a smile to his face after Keith had died, the one who held him when he had known it was Dan who had killed him and she was the one who he had wanted, no, still wanted next to him when all his dreams came true. She had even come to his book signing, not that he had known at the time.
Maybe the new book was about her, maybe it wasn't. Lucas wasn't sure anymore, but it didn't matter, somehow he had to fully let the memory of what they had go. Seeing her every day was at once still something his heart wanted and something too hard to bear. He had to find a way to move past letting his heart feel for someone who would never feel quite the same.
His thoughts seemed to be going round in circles again, only increasing the shattering pain of the migraine he continued to feel. The walls seemed to close in and the room offered no comfort. He needed space to breathe, space to think and something, or anything that could help take his mind off things. The river court had always been a place where he had found solace; Lucas hoped that tonight he could find that peace again, a peace that would allow him to sleep, without the need to drink himself into a blackout.
Memories of him and those predictions had brought her here, to this place that was so fully his, but that she felt now belonged in part to her as well. The paint still glistened in the fading sun as she continued to finish what would be her last goodbye, her last way of showing her love for him before it could all be over. For now Peyton refused to believe that, knowing somewhere in her heart she felt something could be and would still be there for them, even while things seemed so bleak.
Peyton knew that Lucas still loved her; she felt it, but those words three awful words were so difficult to erase. In the end it did not matter, he had spoken them and everything in her heart had remained the same. Her love for him was a constant and one that now saddened her when she tried to think of a life without him. Haley's words were a comfort, but they had not solved any of her problems. All they had offered was the tiniest hope, perhaps false hope that there was anything left to do. "Sometimes people write the things they can't say." Haley had said and Peyton knew she was right. Lucas' book had spoken to her in a way he could not and perhaps even with the tiniest speck of hope she had to do the same, express herself in a way that he could not ignore and could not deny.
Sitting here putting the finishing touches to the last words she might ever have for him; Peyton knew this was all she had left. The words to one of her favourite songs and an artwork that showed all that all that his art had meant to her, all that he had meant to her. "I will always love you." Was a statement of mere fact, something that never ceased, never shifted and would forever haunt her with the idea that she had thrown away her greatest chance at all the happiness life could offer.
Lucas returned home shaking his head and unable to settle, pacing the room and panicking over what to do next. He had to get away, run away from it all and have some way of escaping these thoughts. There was too much at stake, too much pain and confusion for everything to come down to such finite moments. The river court was supposed to bring peace and sense of calm that would allow him to sleep. Now his mind turned over furiously and refused to embrace any thoughts of rest.
Turning on the lights when he had arrived, the sight of the court once so simple in its grimy perfection of grey tarmac was now covered in paint. It had been covered in a message, at once so affecting and stunning that he struggled to breath. The symbolism and the message, offered both forgiveness and a show of the greatest affection he had ever witnessed. It simply shattered every preconceived idea he had known before. "Whatever words I say I will always love you. I will always love you." Those words were now emblazoned into his mind as if burned into his retina's, making them impossible to forget.
It was all wrong, he had known, or at least thought he had known that she would never be able to return what he had felt. Now after everything, after he had committed an act of hatred against her, she had shown her love for him, in what he knew was her greatest form of expression.
Lucas had stood there studying every word, every drop of paint on the court, ensuring it was real and that his sleep deprived mind had not been playing tricks. The moment it had all clicked he had felt his heart race. It seemed to find a rhythm, a certain speed and momentum that he had not felt and not allowed himself to feel for years. He had known he had to go and seen her, but going there had only made things more confusing.
As he told her he didn't hate her, revisiting that memory of the first time he saw her, Lucas could see Peyton's spirits visibly lift. It was hard seeing her again and telling her that did not make it any easier. She had hurt him so badly, that he dared not to dream that they might have what they once had. Yet seeing her, seeing her tell him that the dream she had every night, meant her saying yes, it meant them sharing what he had often dreamed of so fiercely and wanted to deny. "It's just a dream right?" Lucas had asked, knowing that more now seemed beyond reach. "It's my dream." Peyton answered tearfully. Those words brought a lump to his throat as all the dreams of their future together and all the memories of their past crashed down upon him.
Thinking over and over that conversation and that artwork, he felt with all certainty he had to get away, just to be anywhere but here. Where could he go? Who would he go with? These were the questions he asked himself, knowing he needed somewhere away from everything, where finally he could decide what to do. Could he allow himself to let her in again and allow her the chance to hurt him, like she had before? It was a question that still brought doubts to his mind, but he knew they were doubts held through fear. Fear was holding him back, as it had so many times before and he had to conquer it. Looking at the map he had built from his collection registration plates, he saw one solitary gap left and it brought his answer to him. He knew now in that moment, both what his next move and his next roll of life's dice would be.
The memories of Lucas' visit still poured through her mind. A sea of confused emotion washed over her, as the damn she had built to hold it all back, seemed to crash down, allowing everything to spill through. His words, so simple and yet so affecting had gotten to her. The look on his face when she had said "It's my dream" was one that over the years Peyton had grown so familiar with and it stunned her to see it again. Something had changed and yet for now she was not entirely sure what that was.
Lucas had arrived and simply stated he did not hate her and that "It's still hard" to see her, but what did that all mean? More importantly she did not know what it meant to Lucas. Knowing he did not hate her, lifted a crushing weight from her that had almost allowed her to feel happiness again, yet it was not enough. She needed to know what he wanted and what he expected from her now. Where did they go from here? It was a question she had asked herself hundreds of times over the last hour.
It had felt like there was hope, but he had left. Peyton knew it was the loudest silence she was ever likely to experience. The thoughts began to brew, crashing around her head, as though the turning wheels inside seemingly fell off, causing her mind to break down and overload.
There was a mystery man, a man that knew Ellie and this was a situation. It was a situation that demanded her attention and yet Peyton knew it would not occupy her thoughts for long, not when even the slightest hint of hope she had felt earlier, brought the beginnings of a smile to her face.
Her reverie was suddenly interrupted as she paced the room. Her phone rang and glad to get any distraction from the mess of her own encircling thoughts she picked it up eagerly.
"Hello" Peyton answered anxiously.
Here he was at the airport and his decision was made. All his thoughts and all his dreams came down to this. Lucas Scott was about to do something that could change the course of his life forever. There was no going back and the fear of what could happen threatened to drown him in dark the pool of its potential to cause him despair.
Taking a deep breath and readying himself for what would follow, he knew now that every moment and every experience in his life had brought him here to this moment. It was how it had to be, he was calling the only person he ever should have called. He was calling the woman who could heal him and hurt him like no other, the only one that could let his heart feel the extent of its most pure ability to love.
Opening his phone, he ran down his contact list, taking one last look at her name, in the hope that her answer would be the one he so desired with every proton, neutron and electron that his body could be made up of. The ringing seemed to last forever, bringing him to an almost fevered panic, before an answer came. As he heard the voice on the other end, he took one last deep breath, preparing himself to say what he was now sure were the right words.
"Hey, it's me. Look, I'm at the airport. I've got two tickets to Las Vegas. Do you wanna get married tonight?"