They all think they know. I've made it kind of obvious – maybe too obvious. Rachel knows, Janet knows, I think even Gill knows. 'An office romance' is what they call it. Everyone teases me about it – I even found a note on my desk once that someone has written, saying 'Kevin Lumb loves Rachel Bailey'. Everyone thinks I'm in love with Rachel Bailey.
But I'm not.
I pretend I like Rachel to distract people from finding out the truth. Rachel's nothing but a friend – a good friend, someone I've never thought of taking it further with. It would be strange people knowing the truth; they began thinking I was in love with Rachel just after we started working together, them knowing the truth wouldn't feel normal. I'd get a lot of 'really?'s and 'why?'s and a whole lot of 'why did you hide it?'s.
Don't get me wrong, I am in love, just not with Rachel. I can't tell the woman I love because 'it's complicated'. She has history with quite a few men working here. That makes her sound like some sort of shag bandit rubber knickers, but she can't help it if she's beautiful. She also has children. She's a lot older than me, see. I've never gone out with an older woman before and I'm scared that everyone will make fun of me; I'm only twelve years older than her eldest daughter.
I can't help myself though. She's so beautiful. When I see her upset because she's had an argument with her ex-husband or with one of her friends, I just want to go over to her and give her a big hug, but that would be wrong seeing as though she has no idea how I feel about her. Sometimes, during briefing, I just sit and stare at her. I usually get told off by Gill or get a slap on the arm from Rachel for not listening, but it's worth it.
I don't know why I pretended I liked Rachel – I think it was because if people knew, it would be better because we're nearer the same age. I'd just be ridiculed by Mitch and Pete and that lot if they knew I was in love with someone nearly twenty years older than me – it's like falling in love with a teacher at school. There have been bigger age gaps, I suppose. She's so much more experienced when it comes to dating, though. That's what I'm scared about. I'm scared that if she knows, she won't want anything to do with me. And if she does like me back and I take her out on a date, I'd do the wrong thing or say something inappropriate. That wouldn't be a problem if people think I liked Rachel because we both know that there isn't going to be a date because she's going out with Sean.
That's another thing I'm worried about. There is absolutely no way that someone like me would have a chance with someone like her. She's so clever and witty and beautiful, and I'm, well, me. There's nothing special about me – I'm just stupid old Kevin, always the butt of everyone else's jokes.
At the Christmas party last year, I thought there might be something more to our friendship. We were talking and I saw a little gleam in her eye – I thought she felt the same way about me as I felt about her. Turns out she didn't, she was just drunk. She flirted with me all night but that's not saying much; when she's drunk she'll flirt with anyone, I even caught her flirting with Rachel at one point that evening.
When she was married and all loved up, I felt empty. Like there was nothing left living for. I just want to hold her in my arms. When she split up with her husband, I wanted to kiss her and tell her that everything was going to be okay. I didn't. I just watched from my desk as others around her comforted her. I thought it would be better that way but now I'm not so sure.
I want to tell her how I feel. I want to tell her that every time she speaks to me, my throat goes dry and my palms get sweaty. That every time she says my name, I hope the words 'I love you' follow, but they never do. That every time she touches me, my heart flutters and I get butterflies. I want her to tell me that she feels the same way, that she'd been afraid to tell me how she felt in case the feeling wasn't mutual.
If she told me she didn't love me too, I don't know what I'd do. It would feel like my heart had been ripped out. I'd probably cry, meaning I'd have the micky taken out of me by the lads even more. She'd break my heart because she's so perfect. I'd have to pretend like it doesn't matter but it would be hard to tell my mind to stop loving her when my heart still did. A love that is denied only goes on stronger. She would actually be doing me a favour by telling me she loves me.
It's like she told me before, when she was dating that knobhead: love isn't finding the perfect person; it's finding the imperfect person and seeing how they are perfect. I didn't understand it when she was going out with him because he was a complete idiot, but now I understand. I could search my whole life through and through and never find anyone as half as amazing as her. Meeting her was fate, becoming her friend was a choice but falling in love with her was beyond my control. They say you only fall in love once but that can't be true because every time I look at her, I fall in love all over again.
I just want to feel her lips against mine, her breast against my chest, her hands in my hair.
She's just perfect to me. I cannot describe or explain how perfect she is. Her nose, her bright blue eyes, her gorgeous blonde hair – everything about her is perfect.
I'm going to tell her. One day, I'm going to walk up to her and say 'Janet Scott, I am head over heels, completely and utterly in love with you.'