Author Note: This story is neither original nor unique, but if you smile even once then it was not a waste.
Chapter 1/ Summoning No Heroes
"The Holy Grail War, where ancient heroes are summoned to fight for the Holy Grail." Risei said.
We all know what it is. Kotomine Kirei thought as Tokiomi and the older priest babbled about "Classes" and "Origin". That's why we're here. A part of his subconscious whispered for him to kill his father, but he steadfastly pretended it wasn't there. He accepted the chest he was given and retreated to the basement of the church to prepare the summoning ritual. As he opened the chest, he was mildly intrigued to find nothing but a black ribbon inside. Still, he took the ribbon and placed it in the center of the circle. Holding out his hand, he began to chant.
OOOOO
Tokiomi placed the book in the center of the circle, its metal pages reflecting the light from the ley crystals he had placed. While the other masters might search for raw power, inane statistics, or bizarre Noble Phantasms, he knew that it would be the intelligence and dignity of a magus that determined the victor of the Holy Grail War and held the key to finding the Origin. He had chosen the spirits accordingly, finding a legendary warrior-philosopher for Kotomine, And selecting a genius scientist-king for himself. Holding out one hand over the circle, he began to chant.
OOOOO
Kayneth grumbled as he watched his fiancee place the eye-shaped pendant in the center of the runic circle.
"This relic had better work, or I will personally destroy the person who gave it to us." He said.
"I'm sorry that the relic disappeared." Sola-Ui said.
"Its not your fault." Kayneth said with a wave of his hand. "That brat Waver probably stole it to spite me." It had been such fortune when he found a relic in the depths of the Clock Tower, the relic of an ancient hero from before the First Fall of humanity. Now he was stuck using some second-rate post-fall relic he had bought off a fat shut-in. "Hmph. A pathetic first generation magus like him probably can't even begin to fathom its importance. Come, let us begin."
Kayneth and Sola-Ui held out their hands over the circle and began to chant.
OOOOO
Waver Velvet cursed as he tried to clean the rooster blood off his hand. The circle was complete, at least, and he managed to wipe off most of the blood on his pants. Grunting, he opened the case and took one last look at the relic inside. A cassette player. Waver sighed. At the very least it looked old enough to predate the Fall. Steeling himself he put the cassette player in the center of the circle, and opened his tome to the right page. Holding his hand over the circle, Waver began to chant the words in the tome.
OOOOO
"Remember, add the words for the Curse of Madness." Zouken Matou said. "Your spirit won't have a chance of winning otherwise." Kariya stared past him, to the sullen faced and purple haired girl behind him.
"Don't worry Sakura, I will save you." Kariya said, ignoring his father's chuckle. He looked at the circle, and the yellowed notebook in the center. Holding out a hand, Kariya Matou began to chant.
OOOOO
"Man, reversing blood? That's so Cool. I can't wait to meet this guy." Ryuunosuke giggled as he finished the bloody circle the exact way the book said. He gave a soft sigh as a new bout of sobbing started up. "Will you be quiet? You're putting uThis is the third time I've done this and I don't want to mess up again." Thankfully the boy lowered his obnoxious crying to a sob and Ryuunosuke could get back to work on the ritual. He reached into his pocket and pulled out the relic, frowning as he looked it over. A frog-print button didn't seem all that much like something the guy he was trying to summon would like, but what's the worst that could happen? Shrugging, he tossed the button into the center of the circle, held out his hand, and began to chant.
OOOOO
"Illya had a dream the night before we left." Irisviel said as she helped her husband draw the summoning circle.
"What happened?" he asked, wondering why she was bringing this up now.
"She said she turned into a cup." Irisviel said. Kiritsugu was a veteran, and didn't show a single emotion as he answered.
"It will not happen." he said. "We have Saber, the strongest Class on our side, and we have the greatest Spirit." Carefully, he opened a gilded case that had once been a cross, and pulled out a metal sliver from within. This was a tiny fragment of armor that had traveled for 20,000 years to reach his hand, and yet it stilled quivered with magical energy on a scale unlike anything from the modern era. "Once the summoning is done, you should carry the fragment as a Conceptual Armament."
"I understand." Irisviel said. Kiritsugu placed the fragment of armor in the center of the circle and then stood up straight, extending his arm over the circle. Slowly he began to chant.
OOOOO
So my wish may be granted,
Awaken to my voice oh Holy Grail.
From the depths of history
I call to this legend:
Let our purpose be united
As Master and Servant,
Magus and Hero,
That which wishes,
And that which carries my wish.
So, as I pray,
Let us join in Heaven's Feel!
OOOOO
"A 'Heroic Spirit', huh?" The man in front of Kotomine said as his black headband waved in an invisible wind. He turned his eyes to look at Kotomine, and for a few seconds the executor was shocked to see eyes as cold his on this man in military fatigues. The man clenched his fist and continued speaking, seemingly oblivious to Kotomine's presence. "There's no such thing as heroes, and if there were a killer like myself couldn't be one."
OOOOO
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.
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"I ask of you: are you... my Master?" Caster said, pausing as she looked through the fog and down at the frightened boy in front of her. The Grail had told her everything she needed to know about the modern world and the Holy Grail War, but it hadn't given any reason for the person who summoned her to be so scared.
"What? No, that's just a kid I left for you." A voice from behind her said. Caster turned to find the kind of punk she usually enjoyed thrashing. He was holding a weird book in one hand and in the other was a... scalpel? She could see the outline of two more people sitting on a couch, but they seemed to be ignoring the scene happening right behind them. "So, what are you going to do with him?" the man said.
"What do you expect me to do with him? The poor kid's terrified." Caster said. The punk answered without hesitation.
"Rip his limbs off!" The fog from the summoning was beginning to wear away, and Caster saw the dark liquid on the punk's scalpel. "Drop a box on him." Looking to side, Caster could clearly see the lifeless slump of the people and the red wounds reaching around their necks. "Oh, Oh, Do that thing where you reverse the blood." Caster looked down to see the circle of blood she was standing in. Flickers of lightning ran down her fingers.
She had seen people have their limbs torn off, she had seen people crushed, she had seen what happened when someone's blood flow was reversed, and she was never, ever going to let those things happen again. With a single burst of lightning Caster sent Ryuunosuke flying to the ground, his body spasming wildly. Caster forced down her nausea and prepared to call the police when the child ran past her.
"Give them back!" the boy shrieked hysterically, pulling on Ryuunosuke's twitching arm. "Give them to me!" Even as his lungs seized and pulled against his ribs Ryuunosukes managed to let out a short, hacking laugh.
"Sure." he hissed between clenched teeth. With one final spasm, Ryuunosuke's eyes stretched wide and his heart finally died, leaving him to fall down limp. Then a flash of red light exploded where the boy's and the man's hands touched.
Sage Trinity Lecture Hall: Lecture 01
A blue-haired man currently wearing a white kimono (Who was Archer) chuckled and clapped his hands.
"Good job Ryuonoske. Truly a... shockingly quick death. Why, I don't think Shirou could have screwed up that quickly."
"Sensei, sensei!" The as-yet unnamed boy said, currently dressed in a disgustingly cutesy gym uniform.
"Call me 'roshi', Shota-Shorts." Archer said, snapping his fingers.
"Aaaah." The boy said. "I just wanted to know why a major character got killed off in the first chapter of the fic."
"Are you kidding? It's because the author's a wuss with strange ideas about narrative flexibility." Archer said. "Besides Ryuunoske's way too Urobochi-style for a light hearted action fic."
"Hey, hey." The boy said. "What are we doing here anyways?"
"Oh, this section is what someone might call an 'omake' if they were from Japan, unlike the Author. We get to break the fourth wall and comment on the story, and I'll be teaching useless trivia and plotholes about this Grail War."
"What is this Grail War, anyways?" the boy asked.
"Well," Archer said, clearing his throat, "This is a quite common kind of 'FATE/' fanfic where the Servants from Fate/Zero or Fate/Stay Night are swapped out for characters from other franchises. In this case, the author's intended lure is that, as you might have noticed in the chapter, all the Servants are acting as if they were from one long, unified timeline, no matter how completely contradictory all those franchises would be. Also, there's a bit of a meta-theme to the characters, but that's just the author being pretentious. Well, that's it for now, see you next lecture."