Without you
It's been ten days. Ten days of tears, silences, hurt, guilt. Rachel is devastated, broken, lost. The hole in her chest is growing, it's getting deeper.
"Rachel," Hiram addresses her daughter in a worried tone. "Let's get you back to bed, honey."
It's the third night on a row that Hiram finds Rachel sitting on the couch in the darkness of their living room and staring at her cell phone; Quinn's last text is displayed on the bright screen. He knows her baby girl is hurting badly and he wishes he could take away all the pain she is feeling.
Hiram sits on the couch next to her unresponsive daughter and takes her hands in his own.
"It wasn't your fault," he tries to ease the sense of guilt that he knows it's tormenting Rachel. "Quinn knew better than text while driving. It wasn't your fault."
Rachel turns toward her father, her eyes full of tears.
"Sweetie," Hiram whispers as he takes his daughter in his strong arms. They hug for a while until Hiram stands up, helps Rachel do the same and takes her to her room.
"Here," he tucks her into bed and kisses her forehead. "Goodnight, honey!"
That night as the nine nights before Rachel doesn't sleep.
Rachel feels like she can't breathe. She is in Glee club. No one is singing, no one is talking. Quinn's presence in the room is too strong, too heartbreaking.
It's the thirteenth day without her, the second silent meeting.
Mr Schuester doesn't try to make his students participate in his lesson. He knows they need their time to grief and to heal. He only offers the floor for any impromptu performances and his presence if they ever want to talk about it.
He sees how hard Quinn's death has impacted the club – even the newest members – and the whole school.
The cheerleaders are wandering lost in the hallways, shocked by the passing of their ex captain, and sympathetic to the pain of Santana, Brittany and their coach. Sue hasn't arranged a cheerios' practise since the accident and she hasn't insulted him once. Mr Schue only hopes that with time things will go back to normal.
Finn looks at his silent teacher. He was expecting him to do an amazing speech and encourage them to keep going on with their lives and let Quinn go, but no inspiring words were spoken by the man.
As Glee Club co-captain Finn feels the need to do something. His friends and her fiancée – who hasn't spent time with him since the accident – count on him. He thinks he should probably sing and he knows that the others will follow, but what do you perform in memory of a dead friend?
He turns to Rachel – she must have a song or a dozen prepare right? - and places a hand on her thigh. "Would you like to sing something for Quinn?" he asks her and Rachel stands up abruptly.
"Oh, I know you wanted to sing!" Finn smiles, proud of his doing.
Rachel shakes her head, "No, Finn."
The boy stares confused as Rachel takes her bag and flees the room.
Rachel walks fast down the hallway, passing by Quinn's pictures in the trophy case as quickly as possible. On the verge of tears she enters the west-side bathroom. Rachel grips tightly the sink and looks at herself in the mirror. The makeup does a poor job of covering the deep rings under her moist and sad eyes; she looks as exhausted as she feels.
Suddenly there is someone else in the reflection. Quinn. Quinn wearing her junior year prom dress and a remorseful expression. Rachel turns around. She knows that her friend can't be behind her but she feels dejected anyway when she is met with only air.
Rachel turns back at the mirror - only reflecting her own self - and washes her face with cold water. She is more conscious than ever that she needs some sleep.
When Rachel opens her eyes, she sees Quinn again. The girl is smiling at her in the mirror. She is dressed exactly like the last time Rachel saw her in the bathroom she is currently in. And so memories flow back.
Rachel remembers seeing how really beautiful and fragile Quinn was the night of junior prom; she remembers how happy Quinn was when she told her about her future at Yale. Rachel remembers how raw and honest and unguarded Quinn had let herself be seen inside those bathroom walls.
Rachel cries.
It's the fifth glee club meeting after the tragedy and everyone has sung by now, except Rachel.
Rachel hasn't sung since the day of the funeral. Mrs Fabray had asked her to sing 'Amazing Grace' and Rachel had at first refused and then accepted when the woman had pleaded, "Quinn really loved your voice. I know she would love this."
Rachel had only sung the opening lines of the hymn before falling sobbing on the church floor.
In the choir room Rachel senses the worried and expectant looks of her friends. She knows they are all waiting for her homage to Quinn, and then for her to take the lead and guides them to Nationals. But she just can't.
She is void of the energy that's needed to do that or to even just pretend to be okay. She can feel her heart breaking at every thought of Quinn, her throat constricting at the idea of singing.
That afternoon after Glee, Rachel decides to visit Quinn's mother.
She nervously smoothes down her skirt and breathes deeply before ringing the Fabrays' doorbell.
An impeccable but tired looking Judy opens the door and welcomes the girl in, "Hello Rachel. Please, come in!"
"Thank you, Mrs Fabray."
"Take a seat in the living room, I'll make tea."
Rachel walks in the room and finds Frannie sitting on the couch and going through some papers. Rachel's heart stops. Frannie looks so much like Quinn: the sisters share the same pale complex, fair hair and regal stance. For a moment it's like having Quinn back with her.
It's only when sad blue eyes – so different from Quinn's beautiful hazel ones – look up at her that the illusion shatters.
"Hi! Rachel, right?" Frannie asks to the visible shaken girl.
Rachel nods. "Here, sit with me!" Frannie makes place for Rachel and puts her papers down on the coffee table.
Rachel sits down, her heart suddenly heavy.
"Are you alright?" Frannie asks worried.
Rachel stares hard at her. "You…you just look a lot like Quinn."
The young woman smiles sadly as she takes Rachel's hand in her lap.
Rachel forces herself to regain composure. She breathes in deeply and then glances at the kitchen.
"While your mother is not here I have to ask you something," she hasn't expected Quinn's sister to be there but that makes her mission easier. "Quinn had once told me about Judy's drinking problem. I'd like to know if…"
Frannie interrupts her, "She hasn't started again. She knows that Quinn would be so much disappointed in her."
Rachel breathes in relief. It's important for her that Mrs Fabray is being strong.
"Is that the reason why you're here?" Frannie inquires.
"I…I also wanted to apologize for what happened at the funeral. I shouldn't have sung."
"Oh dear," Judy says as she comes in the room and places a full tray on the coffee table. "You don't need to apologize. It was my fault. I shouldn't have asked you in the first place."
"But…"
Frannie squeezes Rachel's hand tightly and reassures her, "It's okay. Really."
Judy pours them all some tea and the three women drink it leisurely, making small conversation. Rachel learns that Frannie will be in Lima for only three more days before going back to her life and her husband in Pittsburgh. Rachel decides then that she is going to visit Quinn's mother again.
After two hours in their company, Rachel leaves Judy and Frannie feeling better than she had in the past three weeks.
When Judy hugs her goodbye, she wonders if Quinn ever felt so at ease with her family.
"Rachel, I know you're sad and feel guilty about Quinn, we all are. But you need to move on," Finn says exasperated. He had enough of his fiancée ignoring him.
"Finn, I won't go out with you tonight, okay?"
"Rachel, you haven't talked to me in four weeks. Do you still want to be with me or what?"
"I…" Rachel understands her boyfriend's irritation. She has completely neglected him after the accident but she can't help that sadness is ruling her life. "Finn, right now I can't be the girlfriend you need."
"Are you breaking up with me? A month ago we were gonna get married!" The boy's words are full of anger and disbelief.
"Please, Finn. Just give me some time, I will-"
"I can't believe that Quinn gets in between us even as dead."
Rachel doesn't have the time to think before her hand is colliding hard with Finn's cheek. The boy stares at her with fury and then storms out of the room.
Rachel falls on one of the chairs; her hands shaking, her eyes moist.
"Rachel," Santana enters the choir room with purpose. "Are you alright? I saw Finn storming out. He was pretty mad."
Santana sits down next to the girl and worryingly waits for an answer. Rachel just turns her body toward the cheerleader and starts to cry.
"Can you tell me what happened?" Santana urges, while tracing calming circles on Rachel's back.
"I kind of broke up with Finn," Rachel explains through sobs. "But that's not why I'm crying."
Santana hugs her tighter. The glee diva has been such a mess after Quinn's death, overwhelmed with guilt and grief. Nothing seems to matter to the girl anymore.
"Why does it hurt so much?" Rachel goes on. "I miss her so badly. I feel like I've died too."
And it's in that moment that Rachel finally understand the true nature of her feelings.
"I loved her," Rachel whispers brokenly. The words are like knives in her chest, but with the cruel realization comes also an unlikely solace. It hurts so badly because she loved her so much.
Tears start to fall from Santana's eyes. It's so unfair that she is the one hearing Rachel saying those words: Quinn had wanted to hear them for so long.
'She loved you, too…' the words are almost formed before Santana decides not to tell. Rachel has just realized her feelings, knowing they were returned would break her completely.
And so Santana sits there in silence, letting Rachel take the little comfort she can offer.
Two weeks after her first visit Rachel is back in Judy's living room. She doesn't know why but she feels the need to give the woman some company. She knows Quinn would appreciate it, and Judy's welcoming smile tells her she does too.
After drinking her tea, Rachel is suddenly hit by the desire to see Quinn's room. She has never seen it before.
"Judy, would you mind if I take a look at Quinn's room?"
"I don't." Judy stands up and guides her in front of Quinn's bedroom. "I didn't touch anything. Take your time!"
Rachel steps into the room and enters a world where Quinn is very much alive.
Quinn's lavender perfume lingers in the air and Rachel breathes it in longingly. She takes in the light green bare walls, the perfectly made bed – there's a fluffy white lamb among the pillows –, the full bookshelves.
She slowly approaches the desk, the only chaotic space of the room. There are three different books piled on it, a closed laptop, a few pens and pencils, and so many scattered papers.
On the wall above the desk, there are some pictures: Quinn with Brittany and Santana, with Judy and Frannie, even with Finn or Noah. There's a picture of the whole Glee Club and there's also a couple of Quinn with Beth. Quinn is smiling radiantly in most of them and Rachel's heart breaks all over again. She misses that smile.
Rachel brushes her tears away and keeps looking at Quinn's desk. She traces the spine of the books, running her fingers over their golden titles. She wonders if Quinn had got to finish them.
She then moves to the papers and curiously goes through them. There are some chemistry notes, a sheet full of doodles, Yale brochures. There's also a printed map with notes in its margin: two big red points mark the cities of New Haven and New York and numbers indicate distances and prices for trains and bus tickets. It's clear: Quinn was planning visits to NY.
On another NY map two lines – one blue and one green – trace two different routes from the train station to NYADA campus. Quinn was thinking about visit Rachel in New York. Rachel hasn't even auditioned for the school and Quinn was already planning how to reach it.
Holding the proof of Quinn's faith in her talent and of her desire to keep in touch after graduation, Rachel feels like drowning.
That night she understands what she needs to do: in Quinn's future she was at NYADA; she needs to make it real. And she has less than three weeks before her audition takes place.
Rachel spends the following 17 days doing vocal exercises and drinking herbal tea. She frees her mind of any thoughts and gets reacquainted with her singing.
The day of the audition she watches proudly as Kurt takes his chance with a stellar performance. Rachel feels an even stronger need to do greatly.
'Amazing Grace' is the song she has decided to perform. It's her belated homage to Quinn and a demonstration of her will to never let things unfinished.
Rachel pours all her emotions in the performance. Her voice is clear and raw, strong and delicate. Rachel knows she has never sounded better.
When she finishes she looks at Mrs Tibideaux's impassive face. She glances at Santana – sat two rows above the NYADA dean – she is crying and smiling and giving her the thumbs up. Rachel breathes deeply, satisfied.
She thanks Mrs Tibideaux and leaves the stage.
One month later Rachel's NYADA letter is in her hands. She can't wait to open it but she does wait. She waits until school is out and she is standing in Lima's cemetery.
She was the first one to know about Quinn's college future and she needs to exchange the privilege.
Rachel slowly opens the envelope. She unfolds the letter and scans the words.
She sighs happily. "I've got in, Quinn. I've got in!" She looks at Quinn's picture on the gravestone and feels like that smile is all for her.
On graduation day Rachel smiles brightly as she is given her diploma. The people around her cheer for her with genuine enthusiasm and the freshman outcast inside of her takes comfort and pride.
Among the crowd she easily spots her dads. They're crying and smiling. Next to them Mrs Fabray is clapping with vigour.
Quinn – Rachel is sure – would've been salutatorian and she would've done an amazing speech to encourage all the graduates towards a brilliant future. She would've said goodbye to McKinley as the most respected cheerleader, as the beautiful Prom Queen, as a model for the younger students.
Quinn isn't there. Quinn is there, in the hearts of the people who loved her.
Ten months have passed without Quinn, and Rachel is back in Lima for Christmas break. The day after her arrival in her hometown she visits Quinn's grave.
"Hello Quinn!"
Mindless of the cold and dirty ground Rachel kneels near the tombstone and puts the white and red candle she has brought in front of it.
"I wanted to bring you flowers but they wouldn't make it through the gelid night. And this candle, well I made it."
"It was supposed to be your mother's present but I'm sure she won't mind."
"Oh, if you're wondering when I've started making candles you should know it's my roommate's merit. Three weeks ago Lisa was doing this amazing project for her art school and asked me for help. We made about thirty candles and this one was my reward for the help."
Rachel stops her rant and just looks at Quinn's picture for a long moment.
"I miss you Quinn. I wish you…" the tears in her throat and the bitterness of reality make her pause.
Rachel stands up and brushes the dirt on her jeans away.
"I really miss you, Quinn," she whispers brokenly as she moves to leave.
On Christmas Rachel and her dads have Judy, Frannie and her husband Antony over for dinner.
The girl is happy to see Quinn's mother interacting with her dads, gossiping and sharing inside jokes like the very best of friends. It makes her love her fathers even more.
At the end of the lovely night Judy asks to speak alone with Rachel for a moment.
Judy reveals to Rachel that she has sold her house and that she is moving into a small apartment on the west side of Lima. She invites the girl over for the following day, "I want you to have something that belonged to Quinn. You can choose whatever you want. Most of her things will be given to the less fortunate or packed in boxes…You can call Santana and Brittany, too."
Rachel agrees, touched by the thought.
"You have such a big heart Rachel. I understand why my daughter thought so highly of you," Judy says as she hugs her goodbye.
And so the next day Rachel and Santana – Brittany is away on a family trip – find themselves entering Quinn's room.
It's the first time for Santana since Quinn's gone and she feels extremely overwhelmed. Rachel sadly notices that her perfume lingers no longer in the air.
Rachel moves to the bed. She takes the stuffed lamb in her hands. "I think we should send this to Beth."
"Yeah…" Santana agrees and moves to the desk.
Santana looks at the pictures on the wall. She remembers taking the ones she is in. She then goes through the papers on the desk. When she sees the notes and the maps, she knows it's time for Rachel to know.
"She was in love with you…"
Rachel turns abruptly towards Santana. "What?"
"Quinn was in love with you," Santana repeats.
Feeling faint, Rachel sits slowly on the bed. "She told you that?"
Santana nods and gives a time, "At the end of junior year."
The night after Glee club had come back to Lima from Nationals, Santana had 'kidnapped' Quinn and forced her to spill her beans. She couldn't stand to see her friend so unhappy. Quinn had confessed her worry for her recovering alcoholic mother, her heartache over Beth, and her love for Rachel. Santana had hugged her friend and promised to be there. After 3 weeks Quinn had joined the skanks and started dating a 40 year old skater; she hadn't answered any texts or calls from a worried Santana.
Santana stares concerned as Rachel tries to wrap her head around the revelation.
It's hard for Rachel to imagine Quinn loving her, especially since she has felt barely tolerated by the girl for most of their high school life.
"Since when?" she asks Santana.
Santana had wanted to know the same thing and so she repeats what Quinn had told her, "Since the first time she saw you."
"Since the first day of high school?" Rachel asks incredulous.
Santana nods and Rachel feels anger rising in her body. She thinks of every slushie, every insult, and every disgusted look that Quinn threw her way before the cheerleader had joined Glee Club. Rachel had forgotten the tears she had shred at nights during her freshman year – she had left them behind when Quinn started acting friendly – but now knowing that they were caused by a girl who claimed to be in love with her, she feels like counting every drop.
Santana senses Rachel's anger and she know she has to defend her friend. She walks to Rachel, kneels before her and takes her hands in hers.
"Rachel, Quinn really loved you. And if she acted like your personal bully back in freshman year, it was only because she was trying to protect herself."
"Quinn was a Fabray," Santana explains further. "And she was in love with a girl. She tried so hard to turn into hatred what she felt for you. And she made it so that you could have never loved her back."
Rachel feels the anger leave her body. "Did she hate herself because she was in love with me?" she wonders.
It's hard for Santana to offer an insight of Quinn's mind – her friendship with Quinn didn't consist in heart to heart conversations – but she is sure she knows what Quinn had felt towards her sexuality: nothing different to her own fears and doubts.
"I think she did. She grew up knowing that being gay was a sin, and she knew that her parents would have never accepted her for it. She dated Finn and had sex with Puck trying to hide herself. When we joined glee club – even if she was still far from accepting herself – she realized at least that she couldn't punish you for what she felt for you."
Rachel knows she can't truly understand what Santana is telling her – her dads has thought her to always be proud of who she is and never feel ashamed of her feelings – but she can feel her heart breaking at the thought of Quinn hating herself.
"Why didn't she tell me?"
"She thought she didn't deserve you, and...well you were in love with Finn."
Rachel releases a strangled noise, between a sob and a laugh. "God, she loved me and she died because she was rushing to see me marrying him."
Rachel thinks back at how adamant Quinn was against the wedding and how Quinn never used her love as an argument against it; because at that moment it wasn't about Quinn's feelings for her, but about Rachel being happy and ambitious and chasing her dreams. Quinn was hoping to send her on her way, again.
Quinn really loved her and in the most selfless possible way.
"I'm so stupid. Why couldn't I have realized what she…what I felt for her before this all happened?"
Rachel knows this is going to be the biggest regret of her life. She was so blinded by Finn, by what Quinn had called her 'little schoolgirl fantasy of life' to see what was in front of her and in her own heart.
Rachel feels like dying.
After two hours Rachel and Santana leave Quinn's bedroom. They take some books, a scarf, a cardigan. Her perfume.
As the first anniversary without Quinn approaches, Rachel's sleep is disturbed by a recurring nightmare.
She dreams of a beautiful and smiling Quinn kneeling in the middle of the west-side bathroom of McKinley to ask her to marry her. She dreams of herself waiting worryingly at the altar and receiving the news that Quinn was in a car crash.
Lisa – awaken by her sobs – shakes her back to reality every time. Rachel wishes it was all just a nightmare.
On the 21st of February she gets a call from Santana. Her friend tells her about her past weekend with Brittany, she complains about her fellow cheerleader Mary and about her boring lessons, and then just blurts it out, "One fucking year without her…"
"I know," it's all Rachel says.
With time hurt loses its intensity and weeks go by without Rachel thinking of Quinn.
Rachel does well in her spring finals and spends the month after them enjoying the city.
It's during a picnic in Central Park with Kurt, Santana, Brittany, Lisa and her boyfriend Andrew that she meets Maggie.
The girl, a Berkeley student, finds herself talking to them while retrieving her soccer ball after a disastrous pass from her friend Tim. Andrew asks to join them and half an hour later they're all sitting together talking about their lives.
Santana nudges a strangely silent Rachel, "What's up?"
"Her eyes…"
Santana understands: she has also noticed Maggie's eyes. They're hazel – changing from green to gold with the different light – and mesmerizing. They're a perfect portal to the girl's emotions. They're exactly like Quinn's.
Maggie succeeds in making Rachel talk – it's very easy once she has revealed her secret love for musicals – and then before saying goodbye she baldly asks for her number.
Rachel gives it to her and a week later she agrees to go on a date with the girl and then another date and another one.
Maggie is charming; she is funny, polite, opinionated, a caring and attentive girlfriend. She likes soccer and musicals. Maggie has Quinn's eyes. Rachel breaks it off after two months.
From then on Rachel chooses carefully her passing lovers: no hazel eyes, no blonde hair, no lavender perfume; nothing that risks to merge them into the girl for whom her heart still aches.
In the meantime seasons go by and Rachel's days as a NYADA student come close to an end.
Auditions after auditions occupy her time. Rejections are a constant during the first year and the hope for success starts to fade.
But then Rachel gets a small role and then another and then she gets her great debut as Elphaba in the new Broadway production of Wicked.
The rounds of applause at the end of every show make her feel more alive than ever.
"And the 2018 Tony Award for Best Leading Actress in a Musical goes to…" April Rhodes reads the result and after a long pause announces the winner. "Rachel Berry, Wicked!"
Rachel realizes her win only when Kurt hugs her tightly. "You're the best, Rach!"
Rachel is stunned. She had been so excited about the nomination that she hadn't even contemplated once the chance to win.
Kurt pushes her toward the stage. April gives her the award. It's heavy and feels so real in her hands.
"I know this time would've come the first time I saw you perform!" April says as she hugs her.
As she waits the audience to stop clapping Rachel gets teary. The recognition for her hard work and talent – the recognition of her dreams – is overwhelming.
With difficulty she forms the words of an improvised speech, "Thank you so much everyone! This is just crazy." Rachel looks dumbfounded at the award in her hand.
"I want to thank my fellow cast mates – they're all so talented and good-hearted –, the producers and the whole team behind 'Wicked'. I want to thank my amazing dads for giving me all the love I need and having encouraged my love for musicals since I was very young. A big thanks to my friends Kurt, Santana, Brittany, Andrew and Lisa."
"I also want to thank Mr Schuester and my high school glee club for giving me a place to be myself and express my talent."
Rachel swallows hard and adds, "And I'd like to dedicate this award to Quinn. The person who believed in me and in my dreams even when I didn't."
Rachel looks at the ceiling and whispers a thank you that she echoes looking at the audience before getting off stage.
These days whenever Rachel is asked which song from her debut album is her favourite, her answer is automatic: "Without you".
It's a song about loss, love, fate, hurt.
It's a song about two soulmates being denied the chance to be together.
It's the song she wrote thinking of Quinn.
It's a cathartic confession that freed Rachel of her pain, that mended her heart, that made her feel good and happy again.
It's the song she wrote to say goodbye to Quinn.
THE END
A/N: I apologize for any mistakes. English isn't my first language.
Thank you for reading!