Nick

You know, at some point in their lives, everyone says I love you. Everyone.

Where does it get them, really? You see, I think it's just a slippery path to misery and all the crap that arrives when that person finally comes around and rejects you. And trust me – they do. And, damn, it hurts.

What is the big deal? I mean, it's three words for Christ's sake! What does it even mean? What is love? Sure – you can care about someone. Yes, you can want to be with them and all that crazy stuff, but really – can you explain it? Nope.

You know people lie, huh? Yeah. They say this crap all the time to get some girl in bed or get some schmuck to forgive them when they do something stupid. 'I love you': the panacea and band aid to all situations. Apparently

Well, I for one think that's a load of crap. Yes sir – who needs to say a few words to prove something? When you care about someone and are committed – why do you need to make all these grand declarations? You see in my experience, all this over the top romantic crap leads to one thing and one thing only – deep misery of the worst kind. The worst.

You see – me and Jess – we don't need that. We have this thing.

I'm not sure how I should really explain it but she knows I care about her and want to be with her. I've told her a million times that she is important to me. The L word? Well that's pretty superfluous when you are as hot as we are, ya know…

Okay, I'll admit she is amazing; I've never met someone so damn likeable. Even when she is annoying I can't get mad. The woman talks way too much. Sometimes my ears hurt from all the chatter but I can't make her stop. I just can't. Yeah, I guess I'm a bit of a soft touch but it's Jess. She really can't help it.

Even on those days where she plays all those records she buys from flea markets – she says they are vintage but I say they are 25c for a reason – I can't say no to her. She opens those big blue eyes and gives me this puppy dog look and, damn. Okay. Yeah – I can't say anything.

Every other woman I have been with has come with this in built stop point. I'd learn it quick. The level at which I could not take them anymore – their girlyness, their shit in my space, their talking about… the future.

I guess that's what's different about her. Never once has she talked about the future. Not once. It's weird but liberating. For the first time I can feel my body relaxing as time goes on not tensing up in anticipation of 'the talk'. Really I think we will never have that talk. It's not us.

So, okay, you're gonna ask – where is this going. Good question. The answer? Um I don't know.

I can't imagine her not in my life. I mean - life without Jess? I'm so used to her being here. Life hasn't been the same since I met her. Where would I be now if she hadn't moved into the loft? I can't even imagine. Maybe I would be back with Caroline…

I know, I know, that's crazy. But I've always had this inability to look ahead. Seeing more than a few months into the future is impossible. I blame my dad. My childhood was spent on tenterhooks waiting for him to come home from his 'business' trips; it killed my ability to look ahead. Day by day. Week by week. That's the way Miller's live.

Hmmm. What will I do when she wakes up and realises I'm no good? Seriously. I mean, she will. It's inevitable.

Huh. Yeah – one day soon she will turn around and says, "Miller, it's been fun but now I need to get serious." She could never get serious about me could she? I'm a loser bartender. The guy you are with until you meet the guy you should really spend your life with.

I feel cold when I think about that moment. I know it's inevitable but that doesn't make it easier. My blood chills when I imagine her saying those words. How long have I got? Months? Weeks?

I feel flat at the thought – as though all the air has been pressed from my lungs like the atmosphere has thickened instantly. I don't want her to leave me, okay? I want things to stay as they are. I want her soft perfume on my skin all day. Her curls tickling my chest as she sleeps. To wake up to her soft breathing on a morning and watch her as the sun rises.

Damn. You're a fool Miller. I know it's not going to happen. No. This experience is time limited.

The tightening in my chest increases. My jaw clenches and my brow furrows.

Huh. I close my eyes and suck in deep breaths, stilling my thoughts. Chill Nick. I wish she was here – now. But she isn't.

I need to feel her soft skin under my hands. I want to feel her arms wrapped around me; her head nuzzled into his chest.

Shit.

I can't imagine life without her. How the hell did that happen so quick?

So does that mean…

Damn.

I love her.

I'm screwed.