Dear FanFiction
By: marauderette-47
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or FanFiction:(
A/N: This. Has. Been. Done. So. Many. Times. But I hope I can make it unique! This is my take on what the characters of Harry Potter would tell all us authors if they found FanFiction. Bound to be interesting. So! Let's get crackin;)
Dear FanFiction,
I am not stupid. I do not know where you got that I hate books or only know little words. I was quoted as being one of the cleverest students in my year, for Merlin's sake! And where is this thing about 'gray' hair coming from? I'm only thirty-something! And it is simply growing out - not thinning or receding! Oh, believe me, this is only the beginning of my rant - we haven't even gotten to the bloody pairings yet.
I am not, nor have I ever been, attracted to Remus. COME ON PEOPLE! We've been best friends for years - if we EVER had a crush on each other, don't you think it would have come out by now? And what're these stories about us being 'canine mates' about? He's a WEREWOLF and I'm a DOG ANIMAGUS - I see no reason that we should have any romantic link because of this!
The same goes for James - I loved him like a BROTHER, not a LOVER! James was not gay - I can promise you that. He spent far too much time talking about Lily - I mean all day, everyday, it was "Lilykins!" this, or "Lily-Willy!" that. Honestly! But no, siriusly, nothing has ever gone on between me and James romantically. EVER.
Harry. Potter. Is. My. Godson. He is twenty-some years younger than me. He is male. DO NOT PAIR US TOGETHER! Don't you think James and/or Lily would have MURDERED me if I had corrupted their only son that way? WHERE ARE YOU PEOPLE GETTING THAT WE'RE TOGETHER? Okay, I get it - I was partially nude in front of him ONCE during Order of the Phoenix - but that was the movie adaptation! They always mess SOMETHING up in the movie adaptation! That was NOT in the book! I love Harry like a son - but I'm not in love with him! Ewie! Mental images! Stop pairing us, it's ghastly!
Now why ANYONE in their right MINDS would pair me with that ugly git Snivellus is beyond me. Was it not made PLAIN AS DAY in our beautifully written novels that we can't STAND each other? Or were the hints too subtle? Well, I'm here to clear the air - I HATE SNIVELLUS SNAPE! HE'S A RIGHT FOUL GIT WHO HAS NEVER SEEN SHAMPOO AND I CAN'T STAND THE AIR HE BREATHES! I WISH HIM DEATH! There. Better?
As for the pairing of me and Pettigrew - what the $#&%^*$ ? I can't stand him either! He's a TRAITOR and a RAT! He is the reason my best friend (who I am NOT gay with) is dead! So why would I go in bed with him? Huh? Can you answer me THAT, authors?
Now, we'll move on to the pairing of me and Granger - she's smart and she's nice. She's...er...sort of pretty, I guess. She's also MORE THAN HALF MY AGE! I AM NOT THAT DISGUSTING! Come on, people - Granger? Don't you think I'd get...I dunno, arrested for something like that? Yup. Pretty sure I'd wind up back in Azkaban or something - and no frizzy-haired bookworm is worth that. Especially Granger.
Next on my rant list: Me and Lily. WTF? James (Who I am not gay with) would have killed me! I mean, I love Lils and all, but like a sister! She #1 - wouldn't be able to put up with me and #2 - would never have done that to James. I'm sorry authors, but there's not much between me and Evans - er, I mean Potter - to work with. And where did you get that I call her Lilyflower? So many questions...
Finally - me and McGonagall. I don't even have words to express how I feel about this pairing. She's old. Like, she has gray hair (unlike me, of course). Honestly - she was my educator. That would be like pairing Hermione with Remu- wait. That's been done? Well, that's it. Everything I know is a lie.
And I don't care what FanFiction says (sniffle) I'm not gay! Liking your hair does not make you fall in love with other men!
Now as for these troops of attractive females...OC's, are they called? THEM I could get used to...
Sincerely,
The STRAIGHT Sirius Black ;) {that wink was for my favorite fangirl - you know who you are...oh, no, please don't fight *pulls out box of popcorn with the movie theater butter*, watching girls fight over me does not at all make me happy...hehe...}
And there you go! I don't like the Dear FanFiction stories that only have, like, four sentences per character - and my characters may show up more than once! There could be fifty letters from Sirius in here! And here's my twist - the characters can read each other's letters, and comment on them in their own...soo...watch out for that;) Hope you enjoyed, and please review!
Until next time, marauderette-47
Mischief Managed