It's another day. You wake up and roll out of bed, wrapping your robe around your thin body. You ache. You're getting old and you know it. Your hair, which has always sported some gray hairs, is now mostly gray. Your face, which has always had some worry lines, now holds several creases from your stress.
You don't like to look in the mirror. You don't like what you see. So you'll turn away and ignore what you've become for another day. You'll think about it tomorrow. Or so you tell yourself. Really, you're going ignore your past and your future. You're living in the present and just barely. Hell, you don't even want to do that.
But, because you have to, you prepare yourself for another day. But it's not the same. Each day, hour, minute passes by with the same excruciating slowness. It seems like only one minute passes in five and only one day passes in seven. You feel like you've lived an eternity and you're only forty.
To be fair, it hasn't always been this way. But you can hardly remember the better times. You're so stuck on forgetting them that it's nearly impossible to remember them when you want to.
However, you can remember having fun with your friends. You can remember walking through the hallways of Hogwarts, a smile on your face and laughter in your heart. You can remember the pranks and the detentions. You can remember James's unruly hair and consistent flirting. You can remember Sirius's bark-like laugh and easy going demeanor. You can remember Peter's timid suggestions and mousy smile.
All these memories are easily blocked out though. For it's easier to live in the present if you can forget the past. But the past isn't so easy to forget and you know it better than anyone else. And the recent past mars the appearance of the ancient past.
So when you see James's face, you see it staring blankly, pale and cold. You see him lying in a heap of debris with Lily close to his side. You see the surprise on his face right before his murder. You see the betrayal in his eyes when he finally understands what has happened. You see his final stand, his final breath. You see him fall. You see him die. Sure, you weren't actually there, but you didn't need to be to still have nightmares over it.
When you hear Sirius's laugh, you hear it becoming deranged and maniacal. Azkaban wasn't good to him and you know it. You can hear the desperation is pleas, the pain in his screams. You hear his loneliness in his whimpers. You hear his guilt in his sobs. You hear his innocence in his words. You hear the truth too late. You hear his call for help just in time to see him fall behind the veil. You were always too late for Sirius Black and it cost him his life and you your state of mind.
When you think about Peter, your blood runs cold. You can no longer summon up any good thoughts about Peter. Whenever you think about him, you feel as if you should have seen it coming. You see betrayal in his eyes. You sense ulterior motives in his actions. You feel coldness in his interaction with you and the others. You hear scorn in his laughter and words. Peter took everything from you. You don't understand how you could have missed it, but you did. But maybe that's because it wasn't there for you to miss.
But you don't care. Instead you walk around in a kind of daze. Your endless thoughts follow you and you are haunted by what could have been should thing have been done differently. If only Peter hadn't been so weak. If only Sirius hadn't switched with Peter. If only James had told Dumbledore about the switch. If only you had the ability to see the future.
For that's something that you don't understand, Remus Lupin. You can't see that nothing could have saved James or Sirius. They upheld their beliefs and they fought for the them. They fought to the last breath, with passion and energy. They fought with everything they knew for everything they knew. They fought endlessly, seemingly invincible. But that's where you're fooled, for even the gods must die. And, as they took their last breath, they took it with the hope that maybe one day gods wouldn't have to die this way.
You're all that remains of that hope, Remus Lupin. So you must not let them down. They fought gallantly, now it's your turn.
And one day you'll understand this and you'll rise to the occasion. You'll fight as if you're invincible, as if you've got nothing to lose. But really, you've got everything to lose, and you can't afford to. Which is why you'll stay strong and endure the though times to come.
Just don't be too late this time. The fate of the gods rests with you and the order. Don't let your self-pity and guilt destroy what the gods have fought for thus far. Let them not have died in vain. Let them have the honor of which they died for. The honor of which you will probably die for. The honor of which allows the rest of us to live free.
A.N. I don't own Harry Potter. Thanks for reading and review if you deem it worthy.