Zim, Dib & co. Jhonen Vasquez and Nickelodeon, Chel *kind of* DreamWorks. I spun
her up a bit for the story.
**********************************************************************
"Take your seats, miserable brats," hissed Mrs. Bitters. "You just went to recess and have
taken in sufficient *sunlight* and--" she scoffed, "--*oxygen*. So sit down! In your seats."
A boy in the third row turned to talk to a girl behind him. The girl noticed Mrs. Bitters glaring
at the boy and tried to silence him before the sinister-looking teacher swooped over. Too late.
The boy only noticed as the room seemed to go black and he was gone. Mrs. Bitters was once
again at the front of the room.
The whole room was silent. Zim twiddled his thumbs quietly as Mrs. Bitters glared down at a
paper that had been delivered to her desk when the class was outside playing. Her glare
dissolved and Zim watched as a look of -could it be?- a look of fear replaced the ancient frown
on the equally ancient teacher's face. Zim saw her mouth form the words, "Oh, no."
Dib raised his hand and waved it in the air while Mrs. Bitters continued to stare at the paper.
She looked up and noticed his hand. "What *is it*, Dib?" she said.
Dib hesitated. Her voice sounded like she was about to cry. Mrs. Bitters. Cry. It just didn't
happen. It wasn't possible. He swallowed and continued, "What does the paper say, Mrs.
Bitters?" He blinked innocently, or what he hoped was innocently.
Mrs. Bitters gulped. The entire sixth-grade class was watching her intently, curious about
what would make the evil woman be so jittery. She gulped again and said, in a very hushed and
quivering voice, "S-sexual education." The entire class giggled giddily, except for Dib and Zim.
Mrs. Bitters stumbled and dropped the paper. As she bent over to pick it up, she knocked over
the flagpole. The class watched her pick it, along with the paper, up, muttering to herself.
She looked back at the class. "So- let's begin, s-shall we?" The class stared at her. Zim
blinked. What was this, 'sexual education,' that Mrs. Bitters spoke of? What did it mean? Would
this information help him conquer the puny humans? Perhaps. . . Yeessss. . . [Hey, Irkens are
born in tubes, remember? No sex.]
"I will rule the world with an iron fist!" cried Zim gleefully, forgetting himself for a moment.
He coughed nervously and said to the class, "I -uh- have diabetes! Low blood sugar!"
The entire class, save Dib, nodded in recognition. A little girl who actually *did* have
diabetes said, "No he doesn't! I don't do tha-"
She was interrupted by the shaky Mrs. Bitters. "Now! This confounded paper tells me to use. .
." her eyes widened as she read. "*Visual aids*." She trembled as a projection screen and
projector jolted down from the ceiling and slammed into the floor. Zim was watching very
intently.
"Now, class," said Mrs. Bitters, a bit more confident. "The guide says that all I have to do, at
first anyway, is explain how relationships build up. That seems easy enough, now doesn't it?"
She sighed out loud for her relief. The projector flicked on as Mrs. Bitters read from the large
manual that had come with the paper.
"All right, the first step of a relationship is. . ." she read on. "Meeting." A picture of a boy and
a girl, both about thirteen years old, both of them talking to one another, showed up on the
projection screen. Mrs. Bitters was still frowning, but didn't seem afraid anymore, at least. "In
this stage of a relationship, a boy and girl share silly, unimportant gossip, obviously about some
other student, whose hair was always in pigtails, and called "little 'Twitter Bitter,'" and was
always beat up on the playground by Billy Jessop-" she stopped, cleared her throat, and
continued. "A young boy and young girl, both at the stage where they enter puberty, about your
age, children, meet and seem to enjoy one another's presence, for whatever reason that these
people can think of."
Zim was writing all of this down, and Dib wasn't really paying attention. This wasn't really
that important, after all, was it? He twirled a pencil around in his hands.
"The second stage of relationships is- affectionate hand-holding." Mrs. Bitters shuddered
involuntarily. "The young boy and girl hold hands, and will spend time with one another and so
on. The picture on the projection screen showed just that scene.
Mrs. Bitters suddenly looked nervous again. "The- the third stage of r-relationships is -er-
hugging. Oh, God. . ." The picture on the screen showed the same boy and girl hugging. The
thing that the entire class noticed was that the girl was chewing on the boy's ear lobe. Dib's eyes
went even wider and bulgier than normal. Zim cocked a non-existent eyebrow. What did this
strange action mean? Was the human girl attempting to eat the human boy? Is that what
happened during this, "puberty?" He noted that this may be the case in his notes. Humans were
so foolish. If there was a mass of children all reaching. . . puberty. . . at the same time, the entire
populace could be veritably wiped out!
"The f-fo-fourth stage," stuttered Mrs. Bitters, "is -oh, my God- petting." She was sweating
bullets. The entire class leaned forward in their seats, including Dib and Zim, this time, when the
picture appeared on the screen. "In this stage, the boy and girl show affectionate t-touching." She
closed her eyes. "Of one another's -er- special places." She glanced down at the paper and nearly
passed out. "Of one another's g-g-genitals."
The entire class's eyes where as large as Dib's usually were. They were staring at the picture
of the boy and girl in the back of a car, laying horizontally, and making out, while the girl had a
firm hold of the boy's, "special place." Her hands were shoved down his pants. None of the class
giggled anymore. Zim was the only exception. "So," he thought. "I must place my hands down
humans' pants, and shove my face onto theirs to take over the world and make them obey the
Irkens." He wrote this down in his notes.
"The fifth stage-" gasped Mrs. Bitters, "i-i-is seduction." The whole class, Zim, Dib, and the
rest, gasped. The girl was now kneeling on all fours on a bed and the boy was under her,
unbuttoning her shirt. Zim stared at the screen. Was this really how you took over Earth? What is
wrong with these humans? Mrs. Bitters kept reading in a more-shaky-than-ever voice, "The girl
and/or boy attempts to -oh, God- attempts to get the other to partake in. . . in. . . in sexual
intercourse."
Mrs. Bitters spoke in such a hushed tone for the next picture that nobody could hear her. But
they didn't need to hear any explanation for this visual aid. The boy and girl were both in bed,
naked, though no 'special places' were showing. A girl in the fourth row of seats fell out of her
desk and lay on the floor, unmoving, eyes bulging out of her head.
"Watch video," muttered Mrs. Bitters. She then passed out. Nobody moved, but the projection
screen suddenly had moving pictures on it. Large words in red appeared. They read, 'So You
Want to Know About Your Body.' Zim nodded fervently. This was it! This is what he had been
waiting for! It was like the humans were giving Zim a manual entitled, 'How to Take Over and
Entire Sentient Species.'
The movie began, "Boys and girls both go through very special changes when they get to
about age twelve." The class looked nervously at each other. They were all about twelve. The
movie continued, "Boys and girls may want to be nearer to one another, or even touch one
another affectionately! And if you feel like that, it's okay! Do you know why?" The whole class
shook their heads. "Because your *hormones* are starting to act up!" answered the movie.
"Hormones help us grow, but they also make our minds do funny things! They make you want to
be near a certain attractive boy or girl, and they can even make you feel as though you, 'want
their body!' Isn't that funny?" The whole class shook their heads again. Zim looked skeptical.
This human who was speaking of hormones and such sounded like a complete fool. "Well, kids,"
said the strange man in the video. "I'm gonna show you how these changes in your body take
place! First I will explain sexual intercourse to you." There it was again! That phrase! Zim got
ready to take some very precise notes.
"These are what boys' and girls' special places look like!" said the strange and now
seemingly-perverted man. A picture of the male and female 'special places' appeared on the
movie screen. The whole class blushed a deep shade of red and looked at one another's pants, or
so it seemed to Zim. Zim looked at the picture. It showed a naked boy and a naked girl. Zim's
eyes got very wide at the boy. Especially the place between the boy's legs. Zim didn't have one of
those! Zim now blushed, too. He glanced at the naked girl, and felt relieved to see that she had
no odd growth between her legs.
"This is how sexual intercourse works," said the wrongly-calm man's voice. "The boy's penis
becomes hard and erect, and the boy puts it into the girl's vagina. That's all there is to it,
children!" the voice said happily. The sixth-graders thought that they had been spared this
particular image, when all of a sudden, a large and detailed picture showed the described scene
happening. A little boy clutched his mouth and ran out of the room, about to vomit. Two other
boys got nosebleeds, and a girl passed out. Zim simply stared in awe. Dib drooled onto his desk.
The movie then went on to explain about, as Zim heard, 'sexual hair-es-ment,' [That really is
how they say it in the movie we watched in sixth-grade!], 'Ess Tee Dees,' and, 'Con Dums.' [Yes,
they are spelled wrong for a reason.] The last image in the movie was large print that said, "This
video sponsored by: Roman Condoms. Use Roman Condoms for a most pleasurable and
stimulating experience!"
After school, the children all walked home with deadened looks in their eyes. What they had
just experienced was worse than any lesson that Mrs. Bitters could have usually given. Ever. Dib
simply whispered to himself, "It won't happen soon, it won't happen soon, it won't happen soon,"
over and over again with his eyes tightly shut. Zim didn't blink at all, but seemed calm. *He*
whispered to himself, "At least I got the information. . . at least I got the information. . . at least I
got the information. . ."
***********************************
Zim slammed the door behind him as he walked into the glowing, magenta-and-teal
house. The robot mother rolled by. As it rolled along it shrieked happily, "Who *does* your
hair?!!" Zim sighed. At least he had the new plans to conquer the puny Earth. The human images
on the screen almost made it so that it wasn't worth it. Zim had seen things that no Irken Invader
(or sixth-grader, for that matter) should ever have to see.
"Boy, am I glad I was born from a tube," muttered Zim. Gir walked into the room,
holding something behind his back. Zim looked at him as he sat down on the sofa to think.
"What do you want, Gir?" he asked.
"I don't knoooow. . . ." said Gir quietly. Then he remembered. "Oh, yeah! Master, I can't
figure out that puzzle you gave me."
Zim blinked. "Gir, what puzzle?"
"The round, red one," said Gir. "It's a hard puzzle."
"Gir, that's a ball. Not a puzzle." Had Zim been human, he would have been thinking,
*Oh. My. God.*
"Ohhh. . ." said Gir, after a moment. "Then I love the ball!" he cried euphorically. He ran
away, screaming and bouncing the ball joyfully.
Zim got wearily up and went into the kitchen. He jumped into the toilet and flushed. He
zoomed down to the lab. Once he was there, he got onto his computer. He searched the
information systems for things involving this, "sexual education." Perhaps the video did not
share all of the secrets. Zim was glad to know that the information systems didn't have images
unless you specifically requested them. He had seen enough human genitalia for one day.
The system said in a monotone voice, "Items found involving search term:" It listed what
it had found.
"Hmmm. . ." said Zim as he looked over the list. "Computer: open file entitled
'prostitutes.'" Zim thought out loud, "What is this human term, prostitute? Perhaps another way
to overthrow the minuscule earth-meat humans!" He laughed maniacally for a moment, then
returned to his work.
He read the article on prostitutes.
*Prostitutes are humans, most often women, that will give sexual intercourse in
exchange for human money. Prostitution is a popular occupation, the reason
being the simplicity with which the task required is performed. Prostitutes, while
despised in places such as the suburbs [A/N: Well, they are!], prostitutes can be
quite popular in places such as large cities. Thesaurus entries: Whore, call-girl,
ho, mattress dancer.*
Zim requested an image of a prostitute. He blinked. This person didn't look so bad!
Strangely colored face. . . Smaller amount of clothing than most foolish humans. . . Larger chest
region. . . Just a normal, easy-to-rule-over human! Then more words appeared at the bottom of
the monitor screen. "Request prostitute to base?: Y/N."
Zim grinned. Yes! To have a weapon like a prostitute of such power would be a huge
advantage against the seemingly-conquerable, idiot humans. Zim cackled happily to himself as
he ordered the computer to deliver a prostitute to the house.
****Somewhere in the inner-city. . .****
Chel Romero's pager beeped. "Special request!! Special request!!" Chel smiled. So some
guy had heard of her. Chel smiled proudly. Someone had requested her to their house! Only the
big-time call-girls got special requests. Chel left her street corner and got on the bus. She put a
coin into the fee box and sat down. Whoever had asked for Chel Romero as a special request
was gonna get the night of his life. The whore smiled inwardly to herself.
****Meanwhile. . . .****
Zim put on his disguise once again and walked purposefully toward Dib's house. Dib was
the first one to go down. That pesky human-child was more trouble than Gir. Well, maybe not
that much, but he wasn't someone that Zim wanted to keep around if he could help it. He walked
up to the home, and rung the doorbell.
Gaz opened the door. She looked at Zim, and said tersely, "Dib?"
"Yes," replied Zim.
Gaz turned and screamed, "DIIIIIB!" She walked back to her video game.
Dib approached the door. "Zim!" he said, surprised. "What are *you*--" He stopped. If
he could get Zim inside his room. . . where the traps were. . . He could capture Zim! Then those
idiots would believe him. They would have to. He would have LIVE PROOF that he had been
right all along. He could see himself waving Zim's removed brain in the face of some important
scientist that hadn't believed him. He saw himself singing 'I tooold you! I tooold you! Nya-nya--
'
"A-*hem.*" Zim cleared his throat pointedly.
"Oh! Er- come in, Zim, come in!" said Dib somewhat politely. He ushered Zim into his
room. As soon as the door was shut, Zim spun around.
"Hello! My name is Zim! What is your name?" said Zim happily, trying to sound
friendly.
"What?" said Zim, confused.
"My name is Zim, and I enjoy your presence for whatever reason those people can think
of!" said Zim.
Dib was about to say something, but stopped. 'For whatever reason--' Oh. No. He
remembered the slide-show and explanations of stages of relationships. He started up again,
"Now, Zim! I know what you're thinking! No! Just, no, Zim! Don't come near m--"
Suddenly, Zim lunged at Dib. Dib turned to run - and slammed into his desk. He fell
backwards, on his back.
"I'm not at that part yet!" said Zim angrily. He picked Dib up and nearly crushed him in
an incredibly strong embrace. Dib gasped for breath and could swear he felt his ribs creaking
under the pressure. He was about to pass out, when all of a sudden, Zim threw his head back,
opened his mouth, and bit down violently on Dib's ear.
"AAAAAAAARRRRGGGHHH!!!" screamed Dib. Zim let him go. Dib rubbed his ear
gingerly, and pulled his hand away. There was a small trace of blood on it. "Son of a--"
Suddenly, he looked up. Zim was staring at him menacingly. Oh, no.
"FEEL MY WRATH, EARTH-MEAT!" shrieked Zim as he knocked Dib over. He
jumped on top of him and pried Dib's mouth open.
"NOO--" Dib started to cry out. But his mouth was enveloped by the disgustingly rough
alien mouth. Zim wasn't enjoying this much, either, save the fact that he thought that Dib would
be under his power after he was done. He shoved his hand down Dib's pants. Dib gasped in
confusion. This wasn't right! He grabbed Zim by the neck and shook. Zim jumped back and
stared at Dib angrily.
Zim blinked, ran up to him, and grabbed the front of Dib's shirt. He pulled back
viciously, and a ripping sound filled the room. Zim held Dib's not-so-happy face shirt in his
hand, and Dib's trench coat had come off in the scuffle. He was standing there without his shirt
on. He looked at Zim nervously and ran into his bathroom, slamming the door behind him. Zim
heard the lock click.
Zim blinked. He noticed the conveniently-open window on the far wall. He jumped out,
dropping the shirt on the ground, and ran.
****Back at the house. . .****
"I can't believe it didn't work. It scared the puny human-feces out of Dib today at
school," muttered Zim sadly. Then the doorbell rang. Zim got up to open it. As the door swung
open, Zim's eyes got wide. It was a very curvy woman wearing a cream-colored tube top with a
pink stripe and a thin brown stripe. She was wearing a cream trench-coat and a long skirt with
high slits of the same color. She had long black hair, and appeared to be of Mexican heritage,.
"Call me Chel," she said happily. Then she took a closer look at Zim. "Oh, God, why do I
have to get the weird ones?" she pleaded to the sky.
Zim blinked. "Who are you?"
"I'm Chel," she prompted. "The whore- er, I mean, call-girl that you requested."
"AH!" cried Zim happily. So the day might not be lost! "Would you mind telling me your
secrets?" he asked her eagerly.
Chel's first thought was, "The hell?. . ." Then she realized what he meant. This was her
first call-job, so she didn't want to blow it. "Okay," she said at length. "Sure. Why not?"
The end?
her up a bit for the story.
**********************************************************************
"Take your seats, miserable brats," hissed Mrs. Bitters. "You just went to recess and have
taken in sufficient *sunlight* and--" she scoffed, "--*oxygen*. So sit down! In your seats."
A boy in the third row turned to talk to a girl behind him. The girl noticed Mrs. Bitters glaring
at the boy and tried to silence him before the sinister-looking teacher swooped over. Too late.
The boy only noticed as the room seemed to go black and he was gone. Mrs. Bitters was once
again at the front of the room.
The whole room was silent. Zim twiddled his thumbs quietly as Mrs. Bitters glared down at a
paper that had been delivered to her desk when the class was outside playing. Her glare
dissolved and Zim watched as a look of -could it be?- a look of fear replaced the ancient frown
on the equally ancient teacher's face. Zim saw her mouth form the words, "Oh, no."
Dib raised his hand and waved it in the air while Mrs. Bitters continued to stare at the paper.
She looked up and noticed his hand. "What *is it*, Dib?" she said.
Dib hesitated. Her voice sounded like she was about to cry. Mrs. Bitters. Cry. It just didn't
happen. It wasn't possible. He swallowed and continued, "What does the paper say, Mrs.
Bitters?" He blinked innocently, or what he hoped was innocently.
Mrs. Bitters gulped. The entire sixth-grade class was watching her intently, curious about
what would make the evil woman be so jittery. She gulped again and said, in a very hushed and
quivering voice, "S-sexual education." The entire class giggled giddily, except for Dib and Zim.
Mrs. Bitters stumbled and dropped the paper. As she bent over to pick it up, she knocked over
the flagpole. The class watched her pick it, along with the paper, up, muttering to herself.
She looked back at the class. "So- let's begin, s-shall we?" The class stared at her. Zim
blinked. What was this, 'sexual education,' that Mrs. Bitters spoke of? What did it mean? Would
this information help him conquer the puny humans? Perhaps. . . Yeessss. . . [Hey, Irkens are
born in tubes, remember? No sex.]
"I will rule the world with an iron fist!" cried Zim gleefully, forgetting himself for a moment.
He coughed nervously and said to the class, "I -uh- have diabetes! Low blood sugar!"
The entire class, save Dib, nodded in recognition. A little girl who actually *did* have
diabetes said, "No he doesn't! I don't do tha-"
She was interrupted by the shaky Mrs. Bitters. "Now! This confounded paper tells me to use. .
." her eyes widened as she read. "*Visual aids*." She trembled as a projection screen and
projector jolted down from the ceiling and slammed into the floor. Zim was watching very
intently.
"Now, class," said Mrs. Bitters, a bit more confident. "The guide says that all I have to do, at
first anyway, is explain how relationships build up. That seems easy enough, now doesn't it?"
She sighed out loud for her relief. The projector flicked on as Mrs. Bitters read from the large
manual that had come with the paper.
"All right, the first step of a relationship is. . ." she read on. "Meeting." A picture of a boy and
a girl, both about thirteen years old, both of them talking to one another, showed up on the
projection screen. Mrs. Bitters was still frowning, but didn't seem afraid anymore, at least. "In
this stage of a relationship, a boy and girl share silly, unimportant gossip, obviously about some
other student, whose hair was always in pigtails, and called "little 'Twitter Bitter,'" and was
always beat up on the playground by Billy Jessop-" she stopped, cleared her throat, and
continued. "A young boy and young girl, both at the stage where they enter puberty, about your
age, children, meet and seem to enjoy one another's presence, for whatever reason that these
people can think of."
Zim was writing all of this down, and Dib wasn't really paying attention. This wasn't really
that important, after all, was it? He twirled a pencil around in his hands.
"The second stage of relationships is- affectionate hand-holding." Mrs. Bitters shuddered
involuntarily. "The young boy and girl hold hands, and will spend time with one another and so
on. The picture on the projection screen showed just that scene.
Mrs. Bitters suddenly looked nervous again. "The- the third stage of r-relationships is -er-
hugging. Oh, God. . ." The picture on the screen showed the same boy and girl hugging. The
thing that the entire class noticed was that the girl was chewing on the boy's ear lobe. Dib's eyes
went even wider and bulgier than normal. Zim cocked a non-existent eyebrow. What did this
strange action mean? Was the human girl attempting to eat the human boy? Is that what
happened during this, "puberty?" He noted that this may be the case in his notes. Humans were
so foolish. If there was a mass of children all reaching. . . puberty. . . at the same time, the entire
populace could be veritably wiped out!
"The f-fo-fourth stage," stuttered Mrs. Bitters, "is -oh, my God- petting." She was sweating
bullets. The entire class leaned forward in their seats, including Dib and Zim, this time, when the
picture appeared on the screen. "In this stage, the boy and girl show affectionate t-touching." She
closed her eyes. "Of one another's -er- special places." She glanced down at the paper and nearly
passed out. "Of one another's g-g-genitals."
The entire class's eyes where as large as Dib's usually were. They were staring at the picture
of the boy and girl in the back of a car, laying horizontally, and making out, while the girl had a
firm hold of the boy's, "special place." Her hands were shoved down his pants. None of the class
giggled anymore. Zim was the only exception. "So," he thought. "I must place my hands down
humans' pants, and shove my face onto theirs to take over the world and make them obey the
Irkens." He wrote this down in his notes.
"The fifth stage-" gasped Mrs. Bitters, "i-i-is seduction." The whole class, Zim, Dib, and the
rest, gasped. The girl was now kneeling on all fours on a bed and the boy was under her,
unbuttoning her shirt. Zim stared at the screen. Was this really how you took over Earth? What is
wrong with these humans? Mrs. Bitters kept reading in a more-shaky-than-ever voice, "The girl
and/or boy attempts to -oh, God- attempts to get the other to partake in. . . in. . . in sexual
intercourse."
Mrs. Bitters spoke in such a hushed tone for the next picture that nobody could hear her. But
they didn't need to hear any explanation for this visual aid. The boy and girl were both in bed,
naked, though no 'special places' were showing. A girl in the fourth row of seats fell out of her
desk and lay on the floor, unmoving, eyes bulging out of her head.
"Watch video," muttered Mrs. Bitters. She then passed out. Nobody moved, but the projection
screen suddenly had moving pictures on it. Large words in red appeared. They read, 'So You
Want to Know About Your Body.' Zim nodded fervently. This was it! This is what he had been
waiting for! It was like the humans were giving Zim a manual entitled, 'How to Take Over and
Entire Sentient Species.'
The movie began, "Boys and girls both go through very special changes when they get to
about age twelve." The class looked nervously at each other. They were all about twelve. The
movie continued, "Boys and girls may want to be nearer to one another, or even touch one
another affectionately! And if you feel like that, it's okay! Do you know why?" The whole class
shook their heads. "Because your *hormones* are starting to act up!" answered the movie.
"Hormones help us grow, but they also make our minds do funny things! They make you want to
be near a certain attractive boy or girl, and they can even make you feel as though you, 'want
their body!' Isn't that funny?" The whole class shook their heads again. Zim looked skeptical.
This human who was speaking of hormones and such sounded like a complete fool. "Well, kids,"
said the strange man in the video. "I'm gonna show you how these changes in your body take
place! First I will explain sexual intercourse to you." There it was again! That phrase! Zim got
ready to take some very precise notes.
"These are what boys' and girls' special places look like!" said the strange and now
seemingly-perverted man. A picture of the male and female 'special places' appeared on the
movie screen. The whole class blushed a deep shade of red and looked at one another's pants, or
so it seemed to Zim. Zim looked at the picture. It showed a naked boy and a naked girl. Zim's
eyes got very wide at the boy. Especially the place between the boy's legs. Zim didn't have one of
those! Zim now blushed, too. He glanced at the naked girl, and felt relieved to see that she had
no odd growth between her legs.
"This is how sexual intercourse works," said the wrongly-calm man's voice. "The boy's penis
becomes hard and erect, and the boy puts it into the girl's vagina. That's all there is to it,
children!" the voice said happily. The sixth-graders thought that they had been spared this
particular image, when all of a sudden, a large and detailed picture showed the described scene
happening. A little boy clutched his mouth and ran out of the room, about to vomit. Two other
boys got nosebleeds, and a girl passed out. Zim simply stared in awe. Dib drooled onto his desk.
The movie then went on to explain about, as Zim heard, 'sexual hair-es-ment,' [That really is
how they say it in the movie we watched in sixth-grade!], 'Ess Tee Dees,' and, 'Con Dums.' [Yes,
they are spelled wrong for a reason.] The last image in the movie was large print that said, "This
video sponsored by: Roman Condoms. Use Roman Condoms for a most pleasurable and
stimulating experience!"
After school, the children all walked home with deadened looks in their eyes. What they had
just experienced was worse than any lesson that Mrs. Bitters could have usually given. Ever. Dib
simply whispered to himself, "It won't happen soon, it won't happen soon, it won't happen soon,"
over and over again with his eyes tightly shut. Zim didn't blink at all, but seemed calm. *He*
whispered to himself, "At least I got the information. . . at least I got the information. . . at least I
got the information. . ."
***********************************
Zim slammed the door behind him as he walked into the glowing, magenta-and-teal
house. The robot mother rolled by. As it rolled along it shrieked happily, "Who *does* your
hair?!!" Zim sighed. At least he had the new plans to conquer the puny Earth. The human images
on the screen almost made it so that it wasn't worth it. Zim had seen things that no Irken Invader
(or sixth-grader, for that matter) should ever have to see.
"Boy, am I glad I was born from a tube," muttered Zim. Gir walked into the room,
holding something behind his back. Zim looked at him as he sat down on the sofa to think.
"What do you want, Gir?" he asked.
"I don't knoooow. . . ." said Gir quietly. Then he remembered. "Oh, yeah! Master, I can't
figure out that puzzle you gave me."
Zim blinked. "Gir, what puzzle?"
"The round, red one," said Gir. "It's a hard puzzle."
"Gir, that's a ball. Not a puzzle." Had Zim been human, he would have been thinking,
*Oh. My. God.*
"Ohhh. . ." said Gir, after a moment. "Then I love the ball!" he cried euphorically. He ran
away, screaming and bouncing the ball joyfully.
Zim got wearily up and went into the kitchen. He jumped into the toilet and flushed. He
zoomed down to the lab. Once he was there, he got onto his computer. He searched the
information systems for things involving this, "sexual education." Perhaps the video did not
share all of the secrets. Zim was glad to know that the information systems didn't have images
unless you specifically requested them. He had seen enough human genitalia for one day.
The system said in a monotone voice, "Items found involving search term:" It listed what
it had found.
"Hmmm. . ." said Zim as he looked over the list. "Computer: open file entitled
'prostitutes.'" Zim thought out loud, "What is this human term, prostitute? Perhaps another way
to overthrow the minuscule earth-meat humans!" He laughed maniacally for a moment, then
returned to his work.
He read the article on prostitutes.
*Prostitutes are humans, most often women, that will give sexual intercourse in
exchange for human money. Prostitution is a popular occupation, the reason
being the simplicity with which the task required is performed. Prostitutes, while
despised in places such as the suburbs [A/N: Well, they are!], prostitutes can be
quite popular in places such as large cities. Thesaurus entries: Whore, call-girl,
ho, mattress dancer.*
Zim requested an image of a prostitute. He blinked. This person didn't look so bad!
Strangely colored face. . . Smaller amount of clothing than most foolish humans. . . Larger chest
region. . . Just a normal, easy-to-rule-over human! Then more words appeared at the bottom of
the monitor screen. "Request prostitute to base?: Y/N."
Zim grinned. Yes! To have a weapon like a prostitute of such power would be a huge
advantage against the seemingly-conquerable, idiot humans. Zim cackled happily to himself as
he ordered the computer to deliver a prostitute to the house.
****Somewhere in the inner-city. . .****
Chel Romero's pager beeped. "Special request!! Special request!!" Chel smiled. So some
guy had heard of her. Chel smiled proudly. Someone had requested her to their house! Only the
big-time call-girls got special requests. Chel left her street corner and got on the bus. She put a
coin into the fee box and sat down. Whoever had asked for Chel Romero as a special request
was gonna get the night of his life. The whore smiled inwardly to herself.
****Meanwhile. . . .****
Zim put on his disguise once again and walked purposefully toward Dib's house. Dib was
the first one to go down. That pesky human-child was more trouble than Gir. Well, maybe not
that much, but he wasn't someone that Zim wanted to keep around if he could help it. He walked
up to the home, and rung the doorbell.
Gaz opened the door. She looked at Zim, and said tersely, "Dib?"
"Yes," replied Zim.
Gaz turned and screamed, "DIIIIIB!" She walked back to her video game.
Dib approached the door. "Zim!" he said, surprised. "What are *you*--" He stopped. If
he could get Zim inside his room. . . where the traps were. . . He could capture Zim! Then those
idiots would believe him. They would have to. He would have LIVE PROOF that he had been
right all along. He could see himself waving Zim's removed brain in the face of some important
scientist that hadn't believed him. He saw himself singing 'I tooold you! I tooold you! Nya-nya--
'
"A-*hem.*" Zim cleared his throat pointedly.
"Oh! Er- come in, Zim, come in!" said Dib somewhat politely. He ushered Zim into his
room. As soon as the door was shut, Zim spun around.
"Hello! My name is Zim! What is your name?" said Zim happily, trying to sound
friendly.
"What?" said Zim, confused.
"My name is Zim, and I enjoy your presence for whatever reason those people can think
of!" said Zim.
Dib was about to say something, but stopped. 'For whatever reason--' Oh. No. He
remembered the slide-show and explanations of stages of relationships. He started up again,
"Now, Zim! I know what you're thinking! No! Just, no, Zim! Don't come near m--"
Suddenly, Zim lunged at Dib. Dib turned to run - and slammed into his desk. He fell
backwards, on his back.
"I'm not at that part yet!" said Zim angrily. He picked Dib up and nearly crushed him in
an incredibly strong embrace. Dib gasped for breath and could swear he felt his ribs creaking
under the pressure. He was about to pass out, when all of a sudden, Zim threw his head back,
opened his mouth, and bit down violently on Dib's ear.
"AAAAAAAARRRRGGGHHH!!!" screamed Dib. Zim let him go. Dib rubbed his ear
gingerly, and pulled his hand away. There was a small trace of blood on it. "Son of a--"
Suddenly, he looked up. Zim was staring at him menacingly. Oh, no.
"FEEL MY WRATH, EARTH-MEAT!" shrieked Zim as he knocked Dib over. He
jumped on top of him and pried Dib's mouth open.
"NOO--" Dib started to cry out. But his mouth was enveloped by the disgustingly rough
alien mouth. Zim wasn't enjoying this much, either, save the fact that he thought that Dib would
be under his power after he was done. He shoved his hand down Dib's pants. Dib gasped in
confusion. This wasn't right! He grabbed Zim by the neck and shook. Zim jumped back and
stared at Dib angrily.
Zim blinked, ran up to him, and grabbed the front of Dib's shirt. He pulled back
viciously, and a ripping sound filled the room. Zim held Dib's not-so-happy face shirt in his
hand, and Dib's trench coat had come off in the scuffle. He was standing there without his shirt
on. He looked at Zim nervously and ran into his bathroom, slamming the door behind him. Zim
heard the lock click.
Zim blinked. He noticed the conveniently-open window on the far wall. He jumped out,
dropping the shirt on the ground, and ran.
****Back at the house. . .****
"I can't believe it didn't work. It scared the puny human-feces out of Dib today at
school," muttered Zim sadly. Then the doorbell rang. Zim got up to open it. As the door swung
open, Zim's eyes got wide. It was a very curvy woman wearing a cream-colored tube top with a
pink stripe and a thin brown stripe. She was wearing a cream trench-coat and a long skirt with
high slits of the same color. She had long black hair, and appeared to be of Mexican heritage,.
"Call me Chel," she said happily. Then she took a closer look at Zim. "Oh, God, why do I
have to get the weird ones?" she pleaded to the sky.
Zim blinked. "Who are you?"
"I'm Chel," she prompted. "The whore- er, I mean, call-girl that you requested."
"AH!" cried Zim happily. So the day might not be lost! "Would you mind telling me your
secrets?" he asked her eagerly.
Chel's first thought was, "The hell?. . ." Then she realized what he meant. This was her
first call-job, so she didn't want to blow it. "Okay," she said at length. "Sure. Why not?"
The end?