Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
Or in the words of the ever-rockin Rhi Aeffyll: I do not own any of this. If it looks remotely like it belongs to someone else, it probably does. And to quote from the lovely Giselle, "As always, the characters and their world belong to Stephenie Meyer. Any mistakes I have made interpreting them are, of course, my own."
This is my humble contribution to the vast, varied, yet wonderful world that is Twilight.
Author's Chapter Notes:
I am indebted to so many authors and great thinkers in the fandom who keep the Twilight dream alive with their creativity, and have inspired me to try my hand at fiction. Two of my favorite authors are alluded to in the story notes; you'll find more recs in the end notes. I promise you they're worth their weight in gold.
I gratefully acknowledge the encouragement of Ladyrip for challenging me to write fanfic in the first place. The beginning of this story was posted for her eyes only almost a year ago at Christmas. She's since been graciously serving as CN, tireless hand-holder, and devoted friend.
To my beloved commonlaw fic wifey Arizona Hale... I find it ironic that for all the time, thoughts, ideas, theories we've exchanged while reading and writing fic, the most appropriate words for my gratitude are these simple few: Iron sharpeneth iron; so a man (or woman) sharpeneth the countenance of his (or her) friend.
Thank you, Jennde, for taking time out of your busy schedule to proofread and offer encouragement. It's friends like you who make this fandom such a worthy place to belong to.
And last but not least, to my Jenchan, for always being supportive and non-judgmental of my particular brand of crazy. Yeah, so this is the rabbit hole I've fallen into, and it's all kinds of wonderful. I may never come back out, but at least you'll know where to find me.
お誕生日おめでとうございます
Chapter One : The Light Upon This Earth
And every day you gaze upon the sunset
with such love and intensity.
Why it's... it's almost as if
if you could only crack the code,
then you'd finally understand what this all means.
But if you could, do you think you would
trade it all,
all the pain and suffering?
Ah, but then you'd miss
the beauty of the light upon this earth
and the sweetness of the leaving...
Calling All Angels, Jane Siberry
SHE STOOD STATUESQUE at the wall of windows, gazing unseeingly into the dusk covered horizon, over the tranquil waters surrounding the oceanfront paradise. Shorebirds dotted the landscape amongst scattered seaweed as the falling tide rippled lazily against the shore.
Once upon a time, her beloved told her this was a beach she would approve of. The bright equatorial sun radiated the same brilliance she had grown up with in the desert valley of her youth; the shores teeming with marine life were reminiscent of the kaleidoscopic tidepools which - as a child ambling along the frigid waterfront of the Pacific Northwest - had never failed to mesmerize her. More than simply approving of it, she treasured this isle, this inconspicuous gem in the vast cerulean expanse of the Atlantic. It was a veritable amalgam of the most precious elements from her memories, a jewel whose sights were as spellbinding to behold as they were comforting in their nostalgia.
What made this oasis all the more valuable was his knowing how much it would mean to her. If there was anything he regarded more than her safety it was her happiness, and she was touched at how his attention to detail included what would bring her great delight as much as appeal to her senses. Even if he wasn't privy to her thoughts, he had come to know her so well; she would dare say in many ways he had come to know her better than she knew herself, despite his enhanced abilities and his penchant for being so thorough.
She turned slightly and scanned the airy room, seeking him out amongst loved ones gathering in the atrium. Their family had decided with all the events they'd endured in just a few brief months a retreat was in order. They needed a change of scenery - if only for a while - and wanted to do so together without worrying about pretenses, cover stories, or keeping up appearances. Seeking respite and anonymity, their private hideaway in the tropics was just what they needed. More than being an ideal location, this remote harbor in particular would always hold a special place in their hearts. It was the landmark of so many beginnings, a haven where love was generously given, and love was made real. There was no place better suited to simultaneously escape and start anew.
It didn't take long for her to glimpse her true love. Though earnestly engaged in lighthearted chatter with those around him, he reflexively looked up to meet her searching glance; she was pleased that he somehow sensed her need for him before she even voiced it. As she worked her way across the room to stand by his side, she kept her joyful gaze fixed on his, resulting in an ardent stare between the two lovers, the smoulder of ochreous eyes fixed on blazing gold as she took her time to close the distance. When she finally reached him, she tempered the look with a coquettish smile, then gently placed her hand in his as she tiptoed to speak softly in his ear. It wasn't as if anyone else wouldn't hear her, but she relished the intimacy of the gesture nonetheless. She knew he cherished it as well; he met her reach halfway, bending down and tilting his face toward her, grazing her temple with a chaste, barely-there kiss, but drawing her body closer to him just so with a gentle touch on her hip.
"I'm headed outside for a walk along the shore," she informed him. "It's so beautiful out there… it's calling to me, you know."
"Of course it is, silly girl. If it's all the same to you, I'd like to touch base with everyone first, then I'll follow you shortly."
"Oh, don't worry. I'm not asking for an escort; I'm a big girl. I just want to let you know where I'll be. Besides, you need to spend time with them, too. I know that."
"Thank you, sweetheart," he replied, grateful for her thoughtfulness. "Well, then... be safe. Try not to fall into the ocean and all that." His trademark smirk played on his lips as he gently squeezed her fingers.
She laughed, the feigned nonchalance of his words from a lifetime ago not lost upon her. She threw more of the same right back at him in a mockingly playful voice.
"Like I haven't heard that one before," she mimicked, and these days, her impersonation of his flawless eloquence when combined with the chime-like resonance of her voice often left him dazzled - and without a proper comeback.
With a quick peck on his cheek, she spun on her heel and out the doors. Watching dazedly as she slipped her sandals off while reflexively smoothing the surface of her shorts, he marveled at the lithe poise with which she now carried herself. Chuckling quietly, he attempted to break out of her spell, sheepishly admitting to himself he still half-expected her to trip while making her way to the beach.
As he deftly immersed himself again in dialogue with those in the room, he continued to be entirely conscious of his young bride, perpetually aware of her every move. Sure they had eternity, and from the fiery trials they'd endured so far - trials through which lesser souls would have no doubt crashed and burned, ashes to the wind - did it not stand to reason they had come to a place of deeper trust, of firm faith they'd always find a way back to each other? Certainly there was no need to worry about her well-being, least of all here. Nonetheless, the part of him that forever wanted to keep her safe reasoned he had almost lost her too many times to ever allow his attention to wander from her, even for a second, if there was any way he could help it.
He surreptitiously kept careful watch of her through the wall of windows in his peripheral line of vision, charmed by her buoyant gait and easy smile as she thrilled to the powdery texture of warm sand beneath her feet. From where he stood, he took note of the wonder in her eyes as she carefully picked up various seashells and delicate fragments of coral to painstakingly examine. The graceful manner that characterized her soul made it easy for him to forget she was young at heart all the same, let alone new to changes that were now her present reality. So he loved seeing her like this, relaxed and untroubled, losing herself in her senses and taking in the world around her in quiet amazement.
He remembered the first time he'd seen her awestruck in this way: it was that memorable spring morning he'd first shared with her his own treasured sanctuary - the florid meadow, brightened with sunshine and warmed with incandescent optimism radiating from her accepting smile. Though he still hadn't the luxury of insight into her stream of consciousness, he had grown to love reading the dramatic expressions that would dance over her countenance.
He could stare at her face forever.
Her spirited meandering eventually slowed to a pensive pace as she neared the water's edge, her brows furrowing slightly, the features of her face gradually changing from childlike awe to profound abstraction.
Her senses absorbed everything around her: the gentle waves that overlapped while racing to shore, wrapping her ankles in a tepid fizz once they reached the place where she stood; the subdued light of the setting sun dancing upon her skin in ruby-tinged opalescence while casting off the final vestiges of its warmth in glowing pink and tangerine hues against the periwinkle sky. As the sun made its steady descent into the horizon, she marveled over the way the moon behind her, which had only partially risen, provided an ethereal glow to the magnificence unfolding before her. Wispy scattered clouds provided gossamer adornment as they laced themselves into the backdrop of the approaching evening; the bold and muted colors seamlessly merged together in a celestial twilight tapestry to herald the advent of another night.
Initially, her awakening into this life gave her a dispassionate outlook on the advance of nightfall; the colors in her environment simply changed because her side of the Earth was facing away from the sun. However, she had come to learn there was a certain enchantment about twilight that was unfathomable. The inevitability of the sun giving way to night, resulting in the transcendent display between heaven and Earth every evening, prompted her to wonder what else there was that coalesced into oblivion at the close of each day...
Taking a deep breath and a few steps back, she never turned her face from the seascape, struggling to comprehend why the glory of the heavens before her and the artistry of the world beneath her feet suddenly caused her to become introspective and feel somehow... insignificant. As she watched the sun slowly dip below the water line, one memory in particular surfaced unexpectedly from the deep recesses of her mind.
"It's twilight," he murmured, looking at the western horizon, obscured as it was with clouds. His voice was thoughtful, as if his mind were somewhere far away. She stared at him as he gazed unseeingly out the windshield. She was still staring when his eyes suddenly shifted back to hers.
"It's the safest time of day for us," he said, answering the unspoken question in her eyes. "The easiest time. But also the saddest, in a way… the end of another day, the return of the night. Darkness is so predictable, don't you think?" He smiled wistfully.
At the time, she tried to give her mysterious new friend a word of hope, countering what she deemed to be his esoteric observations with some run-of-the-mill aphorism about needing the darkness to see the stars… she scoffed at the memory, both amused and bemused at herself for offering such a naive response. It wasn't that she lacked perception; she just didn't have the perspective then to think upon the varying degrees of darkness and sad endings he must have been alluding to.
And with that thought,right then upon that very shore she began to imagine - really imagine - how decades of mere existence had to have been hopelessly lonely for him, how each day bleeding into night left him weary, jaded, longing for an interlude from the stasis that was his endless reality. How completely disorienting it must have been for time to pass ephemerally before his eyes while the only changes he experienced were new masks to wear in front of a world that, regardless, never looked too closely.
He had existed in the shadows, even if sharing the kindred spirit with his family helped to light his way. It was the efflorescent love he forever bore witness to between those he cared for most that oftentimes proved glaring. Oh, it was a love he revered but would never dare believe possible for himself, purposely looking away when it shone too brightly. Somehow, in spite of its potential for warmth, it had caused him to feel more isolated, colder.
He had contented himself with the one touchstone he had left: to retain whatever essential humanity he could by devoting himself to familial bonds, and desperately clinging to what was left of his former self - who he truly was - in spite of what he had become. He didn't want to be a monster, and he told her as much once before; he would have traded anything, anything at all, to be human again.
Naturally - almost defensively - she began to reason how the years, centuries, and possibly millennia up ahead of them now would be different. He's not alone anymore... he has me... we have each other... he's changed... it's not the same. She echoed the mantra ad nauseum, desperate to convince herself. And yet, she understood her equivocating did not diminish the truth that in spite of their equality as corporeal beings, immortality would do nothing to add value to living, nor would longevity guarantee invincibility. The realization was jarring, adding to her increasingly bewildered state.
Her moods weren't always so mercurial, but since the transformation she was able to think more thoroughly, to feel more deeply. Though slightly vexed it took such a drastic change for her to be capable of this, almost instantaneously her disquieted thoughts shifted into sober deliberation as she recalled another heart-to-heart conversation she'd had with her long lost lover the night he was mercifully restored to her. His haunting words described the proverbial stars in his dark life, how the few of them he had were points of light and reason… and how even those were completely obscured the one time he thought he had lost her for good.
She took inventory thereafter of the whirlwind that was their unique romance and thought it ironic that for all the control she was lauded for, her mind and emotions remained given over to her impulsiveness, her recklessness... She thought about her husband's ability to know what others were thinking, and her brother's capacity to feel what others feel. As a result, she considered their temperance, and how much time and effort it must have taken to reach a sense of equilibrium with the weight of everyone else's thoughts and emotions pressing in from all sides. She wondered if it ever became any easier for them... and then felt foolish for barely being able to stand under the burden of her own disjointed sentiments.
Venturing deeper into contemplation, she was equally spellbound by the empyrean view before her eyes. Just like every sunset she'd watched in rapt wonder, she was captivated by the beauty of evening unfolding; it was breathtaking and poignant all at once. This was inspiration enough for her to arrive at a decision. She would take her lead from the sun at the day's end, welcoming the shadows of evening as she resolved to set aside the stoic disposition. She would let herself face whatever it was she needed to pour out of her instead of trying in vain to contain the tempest. This island, their home away from home, provided the landscape she needed - there was nowhere to run away to, nothing with which to distract herself, no need to pretend. She would shed the proverbial layers with which she'd concealed herself in the manner by which, just a few months before, her newlywed faced down his worries, standing vulnerable and bare on the very same shore.
Though her stare was transfixed upon the panorama in front of her, she persevered in her soul-searching, prompting an intense flood of emotion to overwhelm her as she attempted to reconcile her thoughts. In her mind's eye she replayed the highlights alongside the tumultuous events of the last two years that comprised her life. Though she was blissfully content, she thought as deeply as her complex mind could process on the threats, the lies, the trauma and grief, the misunderstandings, the betrayals, and the ultimate losses that, much like the waves on the shore, overlapped and followed in close succession one after the other, offering no reprieve. It all crashed into and washed over her, along with every soul she held dear. Immortality was irrelevant; the last two years were more than enough to live through. It was enough to bring her to her knees.
With her heightened sense of emotion, she succumbed to the force of myriad sensations suddenly coursing through her awareness, feelings she had repressed for too long making themselves known. The experience was chaotic, discordant, but oddly enough it provided sweet relief. While overwhelmed by all that fate had thrown their way, and somewhat chagrined at the haphazard manner in which she'd dealt with her circumstances, they had survived. The reality that they still had each other against the odds filled her with unspeakable joy, humbled gratefulness, utter peace, and deep sorrow - a sorrow she could not articulate.
What is this?
She knew at this point she had nothing more to want; she had everything she needed, and had, as her lover once said, all the things they didn't think to ask for. Yet a hazy remorse was beginning to cast a shadow on the glimmering future she'd envisioned, leaving her at a complete loss as to its source.
Darkness. Was it really so predictable?
As with any enigma which presented itself, she became determined to root out the dissonance within. If there was anything she took with her into this life, it was her own tenacity, that cussed determination to figure things out and make them right. She knew better, of course, than to dwell on things she had no power to change, but she would not be so flippant with the life they'd grasped out of the hands of death many times over, only to have this foreboding that something was left neglected.
A lifetime stretched before them, and she owed it to their relationship - she owed it to herself - to live conscientiously, and with gratitude. She refused to merely exist in shallow perfection, or to simply endure eternity - that was not the way they would live. He had already done so on his own for too long, and it was high time for his just deserts. If the reason she was fated to be his was to show him all the sacrifices they'd made for each other were worth it - that he was worth it - then that's exactly what she would do.
Her resolution abated some of the turbulence of her inner struggle, but her reflection left her extremely affected, and suddenly exhausted. Breathing out an unnecessary sigh, the thoughts and feelings continued to consume her. With no more reason for constraint, she soundlessly let out the sobs she'd up to this time only ever held back.
He didn't mind her escaping with her thoughts every now and then. In spite of her arguments emphatically stating she hated being apart from him, he acknowledged there would be times she would need some distance to sort everything out. He would never again force a separation, but in like manner he learned to be respectful of her boundaries. He was all too familiar with the struggles that were part and parcel of this death unto life, and while he'd long resigned himself to the fact this existence was her choosing, it didn't stop the sadness of knowing what she must have been going through even after the transition was complete, after all was said and done. That they had made it to their happily-ever-after was almost a foregone conclusion in this fantastical fairy tale of theirs; it would be in reconciling the unequivocally bizarre, heartbreaking events that was going to take time to process, regardless of the eternity in front of them. So while never completely staying away - he just couldn't bring himself to do it - he also couldn't deny her the time and space she needed. She'd asked for as much this afternoon, and he gladly obliged.
Nevertheless, his eyes remained constant on her, and that magnetism they'd shared became forceful in its pull as he saw her fold into herself on the shore. Though he was mindful of her need to be alone, he was all the more attuned to her need of him in that moment.
Politely excusing himself from the discussion, he made his way out of the beach house and walked with measured pace toward his beloved, his soul mate, his bride. So consumed was she in her reflection that she did not immediately notice his presence, but instinctively she knew he would be there for her. He wordlessly announced his arrival with a gentle touch on her shoulder, then sitting next to her placed a lingering kiss upon the side of her head. As she leaned into him, he lowered his face into her hair and took a deep breath, drawing in her scent and luxuriating in the soft tresses of this woman-child he loved with every fiber of his being. Her hair was wind-tossed, tousled and tangled from the briny ocean breeze, her unique essence slightly imbued with saline. This foreign fragrance was more than apropos, he mused, as a fair representation of the tears she couldn't shed.
If it wasn't clear from the way she clung to him and avoided his glance, then the soft hiccoughs she was trying to control and the slight tremble of her shoulders confirmed that she was indeed crying. His heart broke for her, as he couldn't bear to see her hurting. Her forlornness brought back memories of the night he wasn't sure she chose him wholeheartedly. He didn't know her thoughts right then, and he was reluctant to ask her to let him in while she was so pained. Part of him was afraid the cause of her distress had to do with him... again. Insecurity and guilt began to claw their way to the surface, but he willed himself to find reassurance in the trust he had for her. It wouldn't be fair of him to expect her to assuage his anxiety when clearly it was she who needed to be consoled. He remained quiet, reminding himself to just be available… to be anything she needed him to be.
Still, as it often did, curiosity won out over propriety.
With another whisper of a kiss on her forehead, the soft tracing of the back of his fingers over the cheeks where tears would've fallen, and the gentle wrapping of one arm around her waist as he drew her closer, he asked the inevitable question:
"Love, what are you thinking?"
She didn't answer immediately, nor did she meet his eyes. With muted sobbing, she kept her stare trained over the water as the sun disappeared completely. Unconsciously, she sank deeper into his embrace, resting her head over his quiet heart, comforted with his holding her just like this. For her, this was - and always would be - enough.
He said no more; if she wanted to let him know, she would. He moved his arms, gently wrapping them around her shoulders, and sought his own comfort as he again pressed his face into her hair.
She finally spoke, her quiet voice heavy and lachrymose.
"I was just thinking," she began slowly, "that there is so much more to live for."
They had made strides in their relationship, these two ancient yet guileless souls who were far more accustomed to living in their own heads than speaking freely to one another. He offered no answer, nor did he ask for elaboration. Though speechlessness was rare for him, he simply nodded in wordless assent, acquiescing to whatever she was saying. Adept as he was at reading her expressions, he still had difficulty making sense of her words, but chose not to further inquire, at least not right then. He instead allayed his anxious thoughts with the assurance that if he could comprehend nothing else, it was his embrace she continued to seek; for the moment that was enough for him, too.
What she was thinking was for all the ambivalence which existed between them, for the misery which seemed intent on marking their time together, for all the agonizing decisions that had been made - perhaps this was just the hell they needed in order to form their heaven.
Ah, of course... if there was anything more he wanted for himself than his humanity, it was indeed a chance at heaven. Would they have known - and could they know - just how much meaning there was to living, how beautiful paradise could truly be, if they had not had to keep fighting for it? To go through what they had and still hold each other close meant that they had all they longed for, that they had found themselves, that they belonged... that there indeed was something more.
She threaded her arms around his waist and drew as close to him as she could. Her angel. In so many ways he had given her life, though he would always believe it was she who saved him. He was firm in the conviction his need for her could never be greater than her need for him. A tree to the forest, he recalled with a crooked smile.
They sat comfortably on the shore, secure in each other's hold, basking in the tranquil ambiance of the twilight before them, wondering how these epiphanies and intents would factor into their tomorrows.
Tomorrow. Heaven. Life.
It lay just beyond the horizon.
Chapter End Notes:
I wish I could write down ALL the fics that mean the world to me, but then again that's what the faves lists are for. Here, however, are the fics whose depiction of the Twilight characters have influenced and inspired this particular writing most, and help perpetuate my love for all things Twilight:
Atlas Shrugged by jeesiechreesie
To Save His Soul by laurelnola
Da Capo by giselle
Comeuppance by goldenmeadow
Behind the Clouds by EchoesOfTwilight
With All My Strength by Rhi Aeffyll
Not Without You by BelieveItOrNot
Thank you for reading.