Joss stood looking disapprovingly at the gray marble-topped makeup vanity along the far wall of her bedroom. It needed to go into the back of her SUV along with the rest of the bags and boxes she was determined to take to Goodwill in the morning. The trouble was, she needed help getting it in there. It was old, well-built like things back in the day were, and heavy as hell—the main reason she'd put off getting rid of it for years.
She sighed. She hated asking for help. Always had, always would. She'd missed Paul earlier when he came to pick Taylor up for the weekend, and didn't want to call and have him turn around and come back just to help her with this. She considered her other options. She could ask John. If he wasn't busy doing whatever it was he did. He always asked for her help, didn't he? Didn't have a problem with it either so why should she? And she knew he'd help—come running even—if he could. There was a reason for that she knew but she never dwelled on it.
Fusco would have been a possibility if this wasn't his weekend with his son. She knew her partner would help without hesitating as well but she truly didn't want to bother him and Lee. She could ask her neighbor, Ron. His car was in his driveway. Almost immediately, her face contorted in displeasure. Nah. He liked her and was always trying to get her to go out with him, and she didn't feel like being indebted to him in any way, shape, or form. Her thoughts wandered back to John. He liked her, too. Difference was the feeling was mutual. But they were in a comfortable stage now, a limbo that suited their purposes, their lifestyles. There was no chance of complications. Neither of them would go there. Unspoken mutual agreement and all that.
Their flirting was like safe sex. They'd trade barbs, get their licks in so to speak until they were each satisfied. Then go about their business. No risk of pregnancy, further emotional attachment.
She could just conveniently ignore how it was so consuming it was putting her love life on perpetual hold.
Sighing, she grabbed her cell phone from her dresser and sent him a text. Are you busy? Tossing the phone on the bed, she left the bedroom and went down the hall to the linen closet. There were some items she wanted to get rid of in there, too. Two minutes later her phone rang.
Reese followed Carter into her bedroom.
"This thing right here." Carter stopped in front of the makeup vanity.
Reese nodded and looked around. "Was there a chair with it?"
"Yeah, it's already in the car. I just need to get this." She tapped the top of the vanity for emphasis.
"Okay." He started to remove his suit jacket when the doorbell rang.
Joss sighed. Her day just refused to stop being hectic. She couldn't wait until her head hit the pillow tonight and it was finally over. "I'll be back."
Nodding, Reese watched her leave the room, tossed his jacket on the foot of her bed, and then moved over to the vanity to size it up. He lifted one end to slide it away from the wall and decided Carter was not kidding when she said it was heavy as all hell. He uncuffed his sleeves and rolled them up. This was going to take a little effort.
He moved to the other side of the vanity to slide it out from the wall. Getting into position, he accidentally bumped a box that was propped on the edge of the adjacent dresser and heard a few things hit the carpet. Wanting to quickly gather them up, he turned and squatted. It looked like some paperwork and…old polaroids. He scooped them up and it took him a very long time to process what he was seeing. And once he did, he couldn't look away. There were only about five of them—that fell onto the floor anyway—and he was transfixed. They were of Joss. She was younger—the presence of polaroid pictures gave that much away—her face was brighter, playful, seductive. And she was totally naked. He didn't notice until he swallowed that his throat had become bone dry, that he was having an understandable yet extremely poorly timed physical reaction below his waist.
As he shuffled the photos, he knew he shouldn't be doing this. He wasn't supposed to be seeing these. They were private, personal. But he was enthralled. She was absolutely stunning and he couldn't want her more. And while he couldn't imagine the Joss Carter he knew now taking homemade nude photos, he wished he could.
"It was the Girl Scouts. I had to order some Tagalongs—" Joss stopped somewhere in the middle of her bedroom floor when she realized what she was seeing.
John stood, caught. Embarrassed that he was caught but not nearly as embarrassed as she looked at that moment. "I...accidentally knocked them over." He looked toward the culprit box. "I was—"
Carter shook her head quickly and swallowed, cutting him off. "Sorry." She didn't look at him. Couldn't. Instead, her eyes zeroed in on the pictures in his hands and she marched over to them. "They were supposed to be—I was getting rid of them and I just…" She took them from his hands and placed them face down on the dresser. It had been a long damn while since the last time she desperately wanted to press rewind on her life and do it over. She had forgotten about those pictures until she started her spring cleaning. Paul had taken them not long after she'd gotten pregnant with Taylor. They were young, happy, in love, in lust… And John Freaking Reese was not supposed to see them.
She wanted to tell him to forget it, that she'd get the stupid damn piece of furniture into her car later. She wanted to kick him out of her bedroom, her house. She wanted to be swallowed up into a conveniently formed hole in the ground. She worked with John. They had an illegal but professional relationship where boundaries were pointedly created and maintained. And now he'd seen her naked. Seen everything. She was not being shy in those pictures. Those pictures that weren't to be seen by anyone but her and her husband. Those pictures she'd forgotten about that she should have gotten rid of the moment she found them again. What must John be thinking of her right now? She didn't do things like that anymore. Life had made her a lot less carefree and, honestly, a little uptight. Why had she left him alone in her room? Why did she just have to order some Tagalongs instead of quickly sending the little trooper away?
John wanted to say something. He wanted to tell her it was okay, that he was sorry he'd found them, gawked at them knowing they weren't for his eyes. That she had nothing to be embarrassed about because she was damn beautiful then and still was. But she wasn't meeting his eyes and he felt that would only make her feel worse. He watched as she settled on one side of the vanity.
"Ready?"
He went to the opposite side. "You sure you don't want me to get your neighbor to help me with this? I don't want you to hurt your back."
Deal with Ron on top of all this? Hell no. Although, if someone unwanted had to see them, she guessed Ron would have been worse. Much worse. A tiny sliver of silver lining? Still, she was mortified. And wanted to get this over with so she could stew over it all night by herself. "No, I got it. I'll let you know if I need to stop."
Though he'd much rather put Ron to work, he didn't want to agitate her any further. And she was strong for such a small person. "Okay, ready?" He watched her nod, still not meeting his eyes, and he felt like shit.
They struggled out of her room and down the short length of the hallway until they reached the top of the stairs before setting the vanity down.
"Okay, let's take a break." He looked down the stairs and back toward her.
"Yeah." Carter took several moments to catch her breath. They had barely lifted it from the floor the entire way, but it was so damn heavy she was out of breath and sweating already. She was sure he would have preferred to carry it a bit higher due to his height but was grateful he had matched her comfort level.
He ran his hand over the top of the vanity and decided to make conversation. The air was still awkward. "So, why are you getting rid of this? It's well-made…."
She shrugged. "I don't use it and I've had it forever. It's just taking up space now, and I figured someone else could use it. Been wanting to get rid of it for years."
He nodded. "Was it a gift?"
"From Paul's mother." Paul…naked pictures… God, would she ever look back on this one day and laugh? "Ready?" She wasn't but she wanted to get moving.
Making sure he was going down first, John took the brunt of the weight as they slowly made their way down, Joss not feeling like she had a good grip on it at the awkward angle and feeling bad that he was doing all the work. It showed, too. He was grunting and turning red from the effort. They'd made it about three-quarters of the way down the stairs before he stopped.
"Okay, give me a minute." His breath came out in pants and he felt the sweat breaking out on his forehead and on his chest. Damn, this was a heavy piece of furniture. "You sure you wanna get rid of this, Carter?" He heard her laugh, glad for the sound.
"Well, we're halfway there now, John."
He turned and looked toward the front door. "Not really. Still gotta get down the steps outside and into the car. Damn thing is heavy."
"Hey, I warned you."
"You said it was heavy. Not heavy."
She looked down and smiled uncomfortably. Now she really felt bad on top of the humiliation.
"Okay, ready?" he asked after a few more seconds.
"Yeah." She did what little she could and they soon made their way to the bottom of the stairs, Reese breathing heavily again as they set it down.
"You know what, Carter? I think we're even now."
She met his eyes and raised her eyebrow, noting the humor in his voice. "Oh, you got a ways to go before we're even, John."
He looked at her and a smirk found its way to his face. She actually smiled a little and was meeting his eyes. Progress.
Ten minutes later, Reese let out a huff and rested his hand on the open trunk door. They had gotten it inside the car without any bloodshed, although Reese wasn't sure he hadn't sprained his entire back. "Is somebody going to help you get it out?"
Joss nodded. "Yeah, they've got people who do that. Thank god."
Reese nodded in agreement before looking back toward the house. "Need me to help you get those other boxes?" He turned back toward her.
"No, I can get 'em. That's okay."
"That's a lot of boxes, Carter. I'm here."
"No, I got it. I'm not finished packing all of them anyway."
He stood staring at her. She was itching for him to leave, he could tell. Only keeping eye contact with him fleetingly. Her being uncomfortable around him wasn't sitting well. He could probably just leave now, knowing the awkwardness would fade in time, like all things. But he did see her completely naked. And, right or wrong, the images were seared in his brain for the rest of his days, however many of them he had left. Yes they were from years ago but he knew she was feeling exposed, vulnerable, probably even violated, and it wasn't an easy thing for her to handle. He felt he had to give her something.
He raised his other hand to the trunk door and she moved out of the way as he closed it. He chose his words carefully. "I know I wasn't supposed to see those pictures, Joss, but... You were beautiful. You still are." He saw her take in a deep breath as she looked down at her feet. He couldn't help it and reached out to tilt her chin up so he could see her eyes. "I shouldn't have looked. I'm sorry." He thought for a few seconds before deciding to voice the rest of his thoughts. "I just...couldn't help myself." He dropped his hand to his side.
She sighed and shook her head as if clearing her thoughts. "Sorry, John. I'm just…completely embarrassed."
"I know. Stop." He smiled softly.
She returned his smile and snorted softly. "It's that easy? I didn't see you naked."
He did a that's true nod of his head. "You probably would have pointed and laughed."
A tiny laugh escaped her and she shook her head to herself, sighing softly. "I knew those damn things were gonna get me in trouble one day. Should've just thrown them in the trash the minute I found them."
He felt comfortable enough with where they were now to say what he wanted to say. "Well, if you're just gonna throw them away, I can keep them." He chuckled as he watched her drop her jaw in mock shock and punch him in the shoulder before walking back toward the house.
"See, I was gonna thank you for helping me with that vanity but you just lost out on that."
"I was kidding." He wasn't kidding. He followed her, his face a mask of innocence.
"Uh huh."
They entered the house and he shut the door.
A few minutes later, they stood in her kitchen drinking water and cooling off from the exertion.
Setting her glass on the counter, Joss headed toward the stairs. "Your jacket's upstairs, right? I'll go get it." Her heart skipped a beat when she sensed him quietly following her. She felt extreme nervousness closing in on her and she couldn't quite pinpoint why. Maybe it was returning to the scene of the crime with him. Or the impending maleness of him in her bedroom coupled with her errant feelings for him.
Or perhaps it was the simple fact that he was joining her in her bedroom without a legitimate reason this time and she was feeling some kind of way right now, still embarrassed but loving him a little bit more for trying to make her laugh and feel better about the situation.
She entered her room and headed toward his jacket at the foot of her bed. "Looks weird in here without it." She glanced at the spot along the wall that had been recently vacated before picking up his suit jacket and handing it to him as he stood in front of her.
"Thanks." He held the jacket in his hand down at his side and looked at her.
She watched him back, curiously. His eyes looked like they were searching for something. She squinted and turned her head slightly. "Why are you looking at me like that?"
"You're still uncomfortable around me."
No shit, Sherlock was on the tip of her tongue but she held it. She was and it wasn't just because of what he saw. She started walking toward the door. "John, it's fine. But you're not helping when you keep bringing it up." She turned back toward him when she noticed he wasn't following her.
John was a reckless man, took chances on a regular basis. It came with the territory and, hell, he enjoyed it. He was good at it. Except when it came to his relationship with Carter. He couldn't be reckless with it. He couldn't risk it. It kept her in his life. But his nature was being denied. They were in a holding pattern he was finding it difficult to maintain. She ignited desires in him he was increasingly having trouble extinguishing before they burned him.
He tossed his jacket back onto the foot of her bed after he'd made his decision. It was reckless. It was risky. But it was what he did and it would serve two very specific purposes. "I'm only doing this for you." His hands went to the buttons of his white shirt.
Her eyes widened momentarily before she got control of them. What the hell was happening? What was going on? What was he doing? "What are you doing?"
"Leveling the playing field."
"John." That was it. That was all she could say. His name. Was she imagining this? Was her heart pounding and her ears ringing a part of this strangely realistic hallucination? Her eyes followed his shirt as it was tossed on top of his jacket. He is really doing this. This is not a dream.
She shouldn't be seeing this. He shouldn't be doing this. She wanted to see this. But he shouldn't be doing this. "John, stop. You don't need to do this." Turn around and leave, girl. Just go. He is out of his mind.
"I know." His undershirt met the rest of his clothing on the bed.
Oh my god. Why is he doing this to me? She turned away from him, shaking her head. But her damn legs didn't carry her out the room like they were supposed to. "You're crazy."
"I know."
She heard his belt buckle being undone and the sound of the zipper. Oh my god, he's serious. "John, I'm serious. What are you doing? Come on." She needed to leave but she desperately wanted to look. It was right there. And that was his point, wasn't it? For her to see him? So they could be even? This wasn't fair, though. He wasn't playing fair. This was live-action, not an old photo. How were they supposed to maintain their agreement, their fragile limbo, like this? But, dammit, he was right there. And she'd always wanted to know what was underneath those suits. They fit him so well, the foundation had to be impeccable. She shook her head, anger at him and the entire situation populating her emotional space along with the embarrassment, curiosity, and pure lust.
"Joss."
She knew he was naked now. She looked up at the ceiling and sighed. It was just like him to do something impulsive like this. Upset the order in her life. Force her to confront her attraction to him. She hated him so much right now.
"Turn around."
She sensed him approaching and it forced her to turn around lest he get too close. She was too nervous and agitated to school her features, however. The whole thing was so surreal, there was no preparation for something like this. She had meant to keep her eyes on his face but they drifted down the length of him briefly before going back up. He was hard in many places, soft in some. Thin, but she knew that was misleading; he was likely the strongest man she'd ever met. Her eyes lowered again and she saw the sinews of muscles in his calves, his thighs. She looked between them and saw that he got his cockiness and swagger honestly. Her mouth went dry while the interested part between her own thighs got wet.
He had stopped momentarily, to let her take a look she presumed. But then he continued to advance on her and she was suddenly struck by the thought that there was a trained assassin closing in on her. And her legs finally moved her body. He was sexy, intense, dangerous. Predatory. She was never scared of him but she was scared of him. Hazard lights flashed in her mind. Danger was present and it was time for evasive measures. Her ears were ringing so loudly she could hardly think. She backed away but John pulled a bastard move and pulled her body loosely against his with one arm while closing her bedroom door with the other before she could walk out. He let her go and she practically fell back against the door. Defeated.
"Thank you."
Carter blinked, unsure of what he meant. His voice was light, teasing. The look in his eyes, too. It relaxed her a bit, as did the couple of feet he left between them. "For what?" Her voice croaked. She needed water in a bad way.
He smirked before he answered her. "For not pointing and laughing."
She would have laughed had she not still been reeling. She looked down at him. Because it was still…right there…
She shook her head at it. "Nothing to laugh at, John." She brought her eyes back up to his face as he stepped forward and took those two feet from her.
"I didn't see anything to laugh at either."
She calculated things in her mind as quickly as her frazzled brain would allow. He was so attractive. Brutally attractive. And he was giving his body, himself, to her. She couldn't deny that she wanted him. Wanted to feel him wrapped around her, inside her. At least once. She could imagine how good it would be. How hard he would try to please her in the sheets like he had in the streets from the moment he'd met her. How damn hard he would be period...
He was so close, his breath warm on her face, his eyes chasing hers as she watched him. She could let go, couldn't she? Just once? It was probably inevitable anyway. If not now, some other time down the line. So she raised herself onto her tiptoes, pulled his head toward hers, shut down her thoughts, broke their unspoken mutual agreement, and kissed him.
John wasted no time bringing her up to his height, wrapping his large hands around her hips and lifting until she wrapped her legs around his waist. They fell back against the door and he let out a groan when he finally got to taste her tongue.
Her pants and soft mewls drove him straight to the edge, so quickly he was caught off guard. He didn't let it break his rhythm, however, and he carried her to her bed, settling onto his knees and moving them until he could place her on her back in the center of it. He hastily relieved her of her pants, bringing her panties down along with them, and tossed them onto the floor. She sat up and lifted her shirt over her head. He watched, resting on his haunches as she removed her bra, then pounced on her as soon as she was naked.
Warm, wet kisses, frenzied touching, and heavy moaning littered their ride to ecstasy. By the time he slowly entered her, he was frantic with need. "Joss." He ground out her name between clenched teeth and she hissed and shuddered as he filled her in every dimension. They made love furiously, neither of them wanting the ride to end, the cost of admission having been high. But, eventually, it had to, and they left the earth scorched in their wake.
"Shit!" John couldn't stop the expletive from escaping his mouth as his body was pummeled by aftershocks.
"Oh god. Oh my god…" Joss pounded her fists into the mattress, struggling to breathe with the large mass sprawled on top of her as her body shook from the release.
John used the first modicum of strength that returned to him to lift himself off her and plop onto his back beside her. He typically recovered from strenuous activity quickly, lives tending to depend on it, but he let himself come down from this high slowly.
After a few minutes, their breathing evened out and the room stopped spinning.
Joss ran her hands down her face and sighed explosively. "I can't believe we just did that."
He could. And he was confident he put it down well enough that she wouldn't regret it, and would quite possibly come back for more.
She sat up next to him, turning to look down at him. Hmpf. Suddenly she wasn't all that embarrassed about the pictures anymore. She watched as he folded his hands behind his head and one side of his mouth curled up in a smirk. She couldn't help but smirk back at him. They may have just had unpremeditated sex that likely just changed everything, but he was still John.
"I'm pretty sure we needed that, Carter."
Yeah, but at what cost? she wanted to ask. She didn't.
He quickly sat up next to her, his arms outstretched behind him anchoring him. He looked over her face, knowing her detective's mind was going over all the possible ways this interlude could end. "I don't think this is the end of the world, Joss." He spoke softly, seriously.
"How do you know that?"
He looked around them. "See anything happening?"
She narrowed her eyes at him and resisted popping him in the shoulder. Instead she shook her head at him and smirked again. Then she faced forward and let out a sigh, trying to allow his nonchalance to rub off on her. Trying. She put her head in her hands as she hunched forward and groaned. "I gotta go and get that Plan B pill." She lifted her head and placed it on top of her teepeed fingers. "I haven't been on anything in three years…" She sighed again. This was just great. Old as she was, having to go to the pharmacy for some emergency contraceptive due to being completely irresponsible. She put her head back in her hands and shook it. "I just don't do things like this, John."
He reached out and stroked her bare back, trying to be comforting. Sure, he was a bit reckless when it came to his work, but not when it came to sex. At least not since he had reached adulthood. This was definitely a first but he wasn't worried. "I could get it for you."
She shook her head and took it out of her hands. "No, that's okay. But thanks." She looked at him and smiled faintly.
He stopped rubbing her back and put his arm around her shoulder to pull her against him. "I'm usually not this irresponsible either, Joss, but it's okay. I don't have anything and we'll get that pill and that's two less things you have to worry about." He kissed the top of her head.
"I don't have anything either." She felt it working. His calm imprinting on her. She felt him rub up and down her arm and kiss her head again in response. No STDs and likely no babies from her lapse in judgment. That was good. That was something. She couldn't help it, though, and her mind wandered just a little, seeing an image of John with a baby. She indulged in it briefly before forcing it away.
"Although...If I were having a child, no one else I'd rather be having one with."
She knew he felt her stiffen but he didn't say anything. She didn't either. Didn't know what to say to that. He spared her from having to respond when he took his arm from around her and reached for his clothes at the end of her bed.
He pulled his clothes into his lap and searched for his undershirt. "I better get going." He turned to her as he put the shirt on. "Sure you don't want me to help with the rest of those boxes?"
Joss scooted forward until she was able to climb off the bed. "You are determined to get a box into my car for me, aren't you?" She located her panties on the floor tucked into her pants and slipped them on.
He shrugged. "I just want to help. And I never know if you really don't need it or you just don't want to ask. I'm surprised you texted me in the first place."
She skipped her bra and just put her shirt on. "I know." She slipped her pants on next.
White shirt on and buttoned, Reese climbed off the bed and put his underwear on.
"I'm working on that. I'll think twice about asking you again, though," she teased. Put back together somewhat, she put her hands on her hips and watched as he put his pants back on. Wanting to be helpful, she reached around him and handed him his jacket again after he finished buckling his belt. He reached out to take it and they exchanged knowing smirks.
So much. There was so much he decided to leave unsaid for now. It had been a heavy enough evening already and it was barely eight o'clock. He could tell she was thinking the same thing. That they could leave things as they were. For now.
"The boxes, Carter?"
She let out a huff and almost rolled her eyes. "Yes, John. Will you help me with a few of these boxes?" She looked around her room. "Not all of them are ready to go yet, though."
"Yes, I will. Gladly." He smiled a genuine smile then.
Fifteen minutes later, John closed the back passenger door of Joss's SUV before turning to face her.
"That's it. I'm not ready for the rest of them to go yet." Joss stood with her hands on her hips again, preparing herself for the awkward goodbye. "Thanks for the help," you forced on me, she wanted to add. Her gratitude was genuine, though, and it showed on her face. It felt good to have someone in her life she could rely on. Just in case. She still didn't know why he chose her, out of all the cops in New York City. But she had to admit she was glad that he did. Where it was going to go from here, though, she wasn't sure she would be glad about. She already knew she'd never be able to resist him, so she'd have to deal.
"You're welcome." John put his hands in his pockets. "When are you going to the pharmacy?" He watched as she checked her watch.
"Now. They're still open." She looked back up at him. "Sooner the better."
Reese nodded toward her house. "Go get a jacket. I'll take you."
And he did.
She smiled to herself as they pulled back into her driveway. He'd taken her to the drugstore, waited in the pharmacy line with her, and stood by her side while she got what she needed. Maybe she shouldn't have been impressed—she hadn't gotten into this situation on her own—but she was. That was John. He'd told her long ago she wasn't alone, and he meant that to his core.
He put the car in park and opened his door before she could tell him goodnight. So she opened hers, grabbed her purse and the drugstore bag, and got out. She met him at the front of his car and they headed toward the foot of her concrete steps.
"I was going to come around and get the door for you, Carter."
"Since when do you get the door for me?"
He thought about it for a second. "Okay, so I need to do better."
She got her front door open and stepped inside, hitting the light switch. He stayed just outside the door and she turned to him. "Interesting night."
He tilted his head to the side briefly. "A first. That's saying something for me."
She snickered a bit before sobering. "Thanks, John."
He smiled. "You know, there's this restaurant in Manhattan. The Carlyle. I've been meaning to check it out." He shrugged his shoulder, rested his hand on the doorframe, and leaned toward her. "Was hoping a certain, incredibly beautiful detective would go with me." He watched the shy smile spread across her face as she looked down. This side of her. He loved it and he was going to bring it out more often.
She looked up. "Do I ever tell you no?"
He thought for a moment before a wide grin took over his features. "It's a date, then."
She laughed. "Goodnight, John."
He leaned in some more until his lips were touching hers. It was short and sweet and purposely meant to not cause any more trouble. "I'll check on you in the morning."
She nodded, grateful as hell her son wasn't due back until Sunday so she could deal with the pill's side effects on her own.
"Goodnight."
She watched him get back into his car and pull out of her driveway. "Bye, John." She watched his car until it was out of sight.
Not so awkward at all.