Dear Diary, February 14th, 2009
If I could look outside and see the world differently, then that is all that really matters. I don't care if Freddie would ever like me. I know deep down that he can't. I still look up at the stars and wish on a particular one every night. That can't make him like me. Wishing and believing are two different things. Some say, you can wish on a star, but if you don't believe in your wish or yourself; then it will never come true. I wonder if he sits alone and thinks about me. I wonder if we wishes on the particular star that I choose to wish on. I wonder if he believes in himself, because I sure as heck don't. I wish Freddie could love me for me. I don't want to become someone I'm not, just so I can have the boy of my dreams. I don't want to loose myself, when I just found myself.
Dear Journal, February 15th, 2009
I don't exactly miss not having a date for Valentines Day. It really didn't bother me. Me, Carly, and Freddie just did an iCarly show, hung out and then went our separate ways. Something has changed though. I wished on a star, a different one, and all of a sudden; I started to believe. I started to believe that Freddie could like me for me, that my dad would come back, that my mom could stop drinking, and that I could fly. I mean the last one; yeah I don't think it will ever come true. Considering that humans can't fly. If they could, wouldn't that be great. Anyhow, I wished for all my dreams to come true. I believed in something for the first time in my life. I felt powerful. I felt like I can do anything. All of a sudden I heard my phone make a noise. It was a text from Freddie. The text read, "Sam, do you believe?" I never answered that text ever. I didn't know what to say. Did I really believe? Or was everything that I said a big fat lie? I believed in one thing for sure. I believed that I deserved better. Everything in my life, everything just falls through the cracks. Like none of this stuff was ever mine, it was just given to me and then taken away. I don't want Freddie to be taken away. If I don't believe that it will ever work, then it probably won't. I just can't face myself to it, not yet at least.
Dear Diary,
I stopped writing dates down. I don't want to remember anything of this. I want to escape. I want to leave this all behind and never come back to any of it. I want Freddie to run away with me. I want to live with Carly. I want so much, but all I do is take and take. I never give, how do expect anyone to give to me. I don't deserve Freddie. I don't deserve anyone. I don't expect them to love me or for them to hold me in their arms. I don't need any of it. I've never had it ever in my life, why want it now? It is worthless. I remember I was about seven, of course my mom comes home late again and drunk. The only thing I ever believed in was she sat me down and "Sam, listen this might not mean anything now but it will later; love doesn't last forever, don't expect it to." It doesn't. It can't. If it could, then wow, wouldn't that be a miracle? I forgot to mention, by the way I got another text from no other than Freddie. This time it read, "Sam we need to talk." I quickly shut my phone. No Freddie, we don't need to talk. I never talk to anyone and I'm fine. But really I'm not fine. I am so screwed up in the head. I think what my mother does and how she acts, I think it is normal. I know it is not though. I look at Carly's family. That right there, that's normal. I think I should text Freddie and say "Freddie, do you believe in wishing on stars?"
Dear Diary,
Freddie texted me. His text read "Yes, I do. Do you? I didn't respond. I don't know if I believed in them. I didn't even know if I loved myself. I thought about one thing though; would Freddie ever feel the same way? He couldn't though. I mean look at him. He comes from a normal little family, with a normal friend, (Carly), gets good grades, loves himself for him. He could never like me. He was so...so perfect. Look at me I am so screwed up. I need to stop wishing on these stars. They aren't ever going to come true. Freddie will never love me, he isn't the prince charming I thought he was. He can't lift me off my feet and take me somewhere safe. He wasn't that strong. He had faults like the rest of us. Unlike the rest of us, he could hide them. I couldn't. I can't just wish on someone and expect that star to grant my wish. I'm living in my own world right now, because I know that this kind of stuff only happens in fairy tales. Not in my life.