The Day Today
Author's note: I wrote this script sometime after an incident on Radio 1 in the UK. Ali G, a comedian, went on a breakfast show and used words like "motherfucker". Although he has not surfaced since the interview (except for a performance with Shaggy on Top of the Pops), the presenter of the show has received more criticism then the producer of the show and Ali G. At the same time, I was rediscovering my faith in Chris Morris and creator of The Day Today. So, what better way to show my anger then through one of the greatest black comedies ever (After Brass Eye, obviously).
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Images of CLIFF RICHARD singing at Wimbledon.
Chris Morris: (VO) Cliff Richard has said he will masturbate during the final verse of "Devil Woman" as a tribute to the Queen on the day of her jubilee.
Images of VICTORIA BECKHAM and DAVID BECKHAM playing with their son, Brooklyn.
Chris: (VO) After Jordan's claims to give birth on the Internet, Victoria Beckham has said she will have a digi-cam inserted into her womb, allowing the British public to watch her unborn child gestate live on cable.
Music: The Day Today theme tune
Cue Titles
VO: The Day Today; Wiping the semen of lies from the eyes of the blind whore of truth.
Int. The Day Today Studio.
Chris sat at the desk. Behind him a picture of a gun and DJ headphones crossed over each other like the old Russian flag.
Chris: Evening squire. Controversial DJ, Sara Coen has been blasted today after equally controversial comedian, Scott Jones, shot dead a coffee boy who was simply doing his rounds that morning. We go over to Edward Maul with a special report. We must warn that due to it's content some people maybe offended by the words, "twat", "shit" and "vagina".
Ext. A radio station. Day.
In front of the radio station stands Edward Maul .
Edward Maul: Sara Coen has courted controversy since she first started at Radio Fab back in April. Even then, on her first day, the bright eyed, firm breasted DJ, who should have been a role model to every little girl in the country, was heard to utter the words "bum" and "willy" at a time when children who were skiving off school may have heard them. Then in May, she shocked the country by claiming that in the morning she happens to urinate before she leaves the house. However, it seems the Nation's tart has gone one step too far when she allowed comedian Scott Jones to kill someone on air.
Int. A studio.
The studio is decked out to look like a large pair of spread legs. In between the legs, on a couch, sits Scott Jones and the Prime Minister. Scott Jones is dressed head to toe in Kappa clothes.
Edward: (VO) Scott Jones is better known for playing Kappa B, a Mancunian Rapper who speaks on behalf of today's youth.
Scott: Hello Prime Minister. AWIIIIIGHT!
The studio audience laughs hysterically.
Prime Minister: (Laughs Nervously) Hello Kappa.
Scott: You is a C(bleep).
Studio laughs even harder.
Montage: A series of clips from a film starring Kappa B.
Edward: (VO) Scott Jones was on Sara Coen's breakfast show to promote his new movie, "Kappa B in da Mother Fuckin House, Byatch", which comes out next month.
Int. An office. Day
Edward is sat on a desk with a tape recorder.
Edward: They were only three minutes into the interview when the unthinkable happened.
He presses play on the tape recorder and the camera focuses in
Scott: (VO) Who's this coming in?
Sara: (VO) That's Stuart, our office boy. Y'awight, Stuart?
Stuart: (VO) Not too bad.
Scott: What a twat!
Sara: Aaw! He ain't that bad. Are ya, Stu-pot? You're…..(Voice panics) What's that?
Scott: It's a gun, innit?
SFX: A gun goes off and Sara starts screaming.
Edward Presses stop.
Edward: How can something like this happen? We spoke to Tim Dobbins, the Producer of Sara Coen=s show and head of security at radio Fab, and asked him to explain Sara's behaviour.
Int. A radio studio.
Camera is focussed on Tim Dobbins.
Tim: Well it's shocking really. I mean, Sara knew what Scott is like. I mean, I knew what he was like when I booked him for the show. If Sara fails to take an interest in the guests and what they're producing from their pockets then she deserves the death penalty. I mean, I knew the gun was there, why didn't she?
Ext. A street. Day
Edward is walking down the road towards the camera.
Edward: Why didn't she indeed? It seems to this reporter that Sara's failure to control her guests has resulted in the death of a young boy, with two GCSE's, who may have ended up being the prime minister in the future. We tried to get a word with Mr Jones, but we were only able to get through to his agent who had this to say.
A screen comes up with the agents quote. Next to the quote is a picture of Kappa B pretending to sodomise a blow up doll with a picture of Charlotte Church stuck to it's face.
Edward: Scott Jones refuses to comment on the incident at Radio Fab. He feels that he has been mistreated by Sara Coen and is taking two weeks off in Jamaica before he continues the promotion of his movie.
Cut back to the street:
Edward: As for Sara Coen? Well, she has been arrested and will face trial for man slaughter in four weeks. I'm sure I speak on behalf of the entire country when I say that I hope they let the bitch burn.
Edward looks up to the sky and gives the thumb up sign.
Edward: Stuart, this reports for you.
Fade to Black. A picture of Stuart comes up with the date, 1980-2002. "Video Killed the Radio Star" plays over the top.
Cut to:
Int. The Day Today studio.
Chris: I'm sure our thoughts are all with Scott Jones and his family at this time. Now, a quick look at tomorrow's headlines.
Chris picks up a stack of newspapers.
Chris: "The Pope explodes inside Zsa Zsa Gabor" is on the front of the Mail. "Mick Hucknall is Anne Widdecombe's love slave" cries the Times and The Sun goes with the headline, "Sara Coen is a cow, but look at her udders". A humourous reference to the enormity of Sara Coen's surgically enhanced breasts.
He drops the rest of the papers on the floor.
Chris: That was the day today when today movie star, Harrison Ford, said he was going to have his first gay experience televised during the halftime at the Superbowl next year. Good night.