A/N: I don't own the hobbit. If I did, Bombur would have talked in it. Well, he is now. It's all yours, Bombur.
Hello? Testing, one two three. Hello. I'm Bombur, as you may have noticed. Yes, I am not mute. I can talk. I think I am literally the only supporting character who didn't say anything in the Movie. Well, I did say things, obviously. I talked during that excellent party in Mr. Baggins's hobbit hole, and I chatted with some of the others during the quest. Peter Jackson's camera just missed it is all.
Lavender (Who is typing this down as I talk) says that I have some some lines in what she calls 'subtitles' which is better then nothing at all...I suppose. It seems that this Peter Jackson fellow thought I would make better "Comic Relief" (Which is basically a nice way of saying "The guy who practically breaks his neck about fifty times to make up for the movie's initial deficiency in the humor department) If I kept my mouth shut.
Reader, if you think those parts are hilarious, perhaps you should be the one who's being chased down by a huge bear who might want to rip out your innards.
Perhaps you should be the one who has to fight your way out of fifty thousand orcs using your wits and plenty of barrels. (It really did feel like fifty thousand orcs)
Perhaps you should be the one who has to watch as Thorin and Gandalf have to smooth things over with Elrond after you've broken a 100 year old elven bench. It was kind of embarassing. (Thorin actually seemed rather amused by it... but still, I don't know if this occured to you, but when a chair collapses under you, you actually experiece something called pain in your backside, and crashing into what I found was a very splintery wall isn't what I'd call fun either)
At least that Stephen Hunter person had stunt doubles for those parts. I would have loved a stunt double when those things actually happened. Oh, yes, and to the minority of you who have seen the 1977 movie, I did talk more then most of the dwarves, which, as Lavender puts it, "pretty cool." you twenty first century people do have the strangest way of saying things. Still, I could do without the dying part in that animated film. Dying is not fun, as you may have guessed.
Oh, yes, and I have something very important to make clear: I am not in love with food. I am not sexually turned on by food. I'd choose family and friends over food any day. (Though I'd take both if I could get away with it) I consciously try not to hog food. "Woe will not betide you" if you make me late for dinner (Though I'd probably be pretty annoyed with you. In all seriosity though, where does that Peter Jackson person come up with these things?) I do my best to restrain from stealing food that is not mine. I'm just a very hungry dwarf who happens to like to EAT food quite a lot. Period. No questions asked. End of story. Don't you like to eat food? Just wondering? It's tasty. It fills you up. And, um, you know that (What, Lavender? Group shot, was it?) ah yes, group shot. For Mahal's sake, I do chew with my mouth shut for the majority of the time. I hope none of you were misled by that picture.
Sorry, am I ranting? I guess I am. Sorry, mostly not talking really builds up a lot of things to say in you, and I guess it could be worse, like when Bilbo Baggins and Thorin Oakenshield were paired up rather...erm...intimitely in this one fic. At the end of it Bilbo fainted and Thorin looked like he wanted to sink into the ground and quietly disappear from existence. Poor Ori, who sees the good in everything, had the audacity to point out that it was well written, which it actually was. Needless to say though, everyone pitied Ori. Except for Thorin. I'll spare you the details. So there was that one fic. Hold on. WHAT? Lavender just said there were tons of "Bagginsheild" fics out there. Uh-oh. Better not tell Thorin and Bilbo that. Some of the dwarves thought it was rather funny though. (Mostly the expressions on Thorin and Bilbo's faces...) This bagginsheild subject is making me feel awkward.
So, some stats on myself. As you know by now, my name is Bombur, I'm about 150 pounds overweight, my eyes are brown, my favorite color is green, I'm 131 years old, I have a wife and twelve children, I don't talk at all in PJ's trilogy, I have six lines in the 1977 cartoon, and approximately 20 lines in the book. Yes, I am aware the book portrays me as a bit of a whiner. I prefer to think of myself as "outspoken" in the book. Well, sure, there were definitely things to whine about, so I addressed the issues. Unsuccessfully, it seems.
Well, Lavender just checked what she calls a word count, and so far I'm up to 770 words. You think that'll make up for my "muteness" in the entire PJ trilogy? Maybe not, but I think I'll wrap it up now. It was great saying all that. There probably won't be another Hobbit adaptation for a LONG time, but when there is, I plan on saying a lot of stuff. I'll talk so much that these pages will look simply puny. Well, actually us characters don't have much of a choice whether we talk or not. But it's always a possibility, don't you think? Thanks for listening. Good bye.
A/N: Thank you, Bombur. (Turns to readers) And there you have it!