This could be termed as a spin-off of one of Azrael's older endeavors, a fanfic called 'On Air' which was basically a fake radio show that ridiculed both real and fake incidents in the wrestling universe. It's supposed to play like E's 'The Soup', and other shows like it, but it was a little hard to write in narrative form as opposed to the easier script format. In a lame effort to compensate, the webisodes themselves are written in present progressive form, as opposed to the past tense of the outside story parts. Confused? Hell, so were we. Anyway, we hope to update this fic at least once a week. Hope.
Disclaimer: World Wrestling Entertainment, Total Nonstop Action Wrestling and any other promotions mentioned within this fanfic belong to their respective owners. Wrestlers featured belong to themselves… unless claimed in future chapters.
Date Uploaded: 15 February 2009
Mouthpiece – Episode 1
It was approximately three in the afternoon when Pyper stalked into Azrael's study and asked, "Hey Azzie, you want to do a wrestling-based web show?"
"Where in the hell did that idea suddenly come from?" Azrael asked, not looking up from her computer screen.
"Dunno," Pyper said, shrugging. "I'm BORED. Yeah, that's it. So come on, do one with me. I'll let you be the host."
"Why in the hell would I want to do that with you, Pyper?"
"Think about it, Azzie; when was the last time you actively made life hell for any of the WWE superstars?"
Azrael opened her mouth to respond, thought about it and then closed it. "Hmm."
"I thought so," Pyper said, grinning smugly. "If you're wondering, I yoinked one of THE Brian Kendrick's jackets last week, but that's pretty much all the extent of what I've been doing lately."
"Pilfering? Shit, Pyper…"
"Don't worry, I'm not going to get caught," Pyper said in a self-assured manner, which didn't convince Azrael in the least. "So come on; if you do a web show with me there's less of a chance that I do something stupid that you need to get called to bail me out of."
Azrael sighed. "Oh fine; I guess I have been looking for something to do. Hey, where's O-Gee?"
"Setting up our studio – we're on in half an hour."
"WHAT??"
--- ΑΦΩ ---
Episode 1: Do Your F*cking Jobs!
"We're on air," O-Gee calls as 'Listen Up' by the dEAF PEdESTRIANS plays in the background.
"Here I thought I'd never hear those words again," Azrael mutters to herself. She is sitting in a small set with a background decked out to look like a modern apartment. It is furnished with only a tall, black stool and an LCD monitor to her right. Azrael and then adjusts herself on her seat and musters a smile for the camera. "Greetings, all seven people who wandered onto this little online blurb of outs. My name is Azrael, and I'd like to welcome you to the pilot episode of Mouthpiece, your weekly dose of all the top stories in the world of pro-wrestling in easily digestible ten-minute doses."
The screen to her right changes to a rather blurred image of an aggravated Chris Jericho standing in the middle of a crowd, right in mid-punch to a young woman. "In our very first story ever, we have the now infamous Chris Jericho incident. Following an event at Save-On-Foods Memorial Centre in Victoria, British Columbia, Jericho was mobbed by a group of fans. While there have been many accounts of the incident, it seems the general consensus is that a couple harassed Jericho to the point that he lashed out and slugged the woman in the mouth. Can we roll the footage of that?"
On the screen the image changes to video footage of the RAW episode in August 2008 where Chris Jericho accidentally punched Rebecca Hickenbottom in the mouth after Shawn Michaels had ducked. "Aw, wait, come on guys, that's the wrong video, can we get the actual one please?" Azrael calls. "Is it this hard to get some technical help around here??"
A voiceover of Jericho yelling, "Do your fucking jobs!" is played.
"Exactly!" Azrael yells, gesturing to someone in the wings. "All right, it seems we don't have the actual footage, so while the police continue to investigate we'll just have to speculate. Anyway, let us move on."
The screen then switches to the TNA logo. "In news away from WWE, TNA began a series of baffling cuts to its middle card roster. The Rock and Rave Infection got the boot, although Christy Hemme is mysteriously still around, and even Petey Williams, who had been heavily involved in the Main Event Mafia/Frontline storyline, was sent off. On the plus side, he's now free to get rid of that awful goatee and dye job. Now here's O-Gee with the Blown Spot for the Week."
The camera switches to where O-Gee is sitting at a table with a laptop, apparently the control centre for the dubious operation. "Thanks, Azzie. Presenting the Blown Spot – a segment where wrestlers' slip ups are broadcast in full glory. This week we have Jack Thwagger – I mean Swagger – heading out to the ring at the start of ECW."
A clip plays on full screen where Jack Swagger swaggers down the ramp all smugness and self-assurance… until the ECW falls unceremoniously from his waist.
"And that's it for the Blown Segment," O-Gee says. "Back to you, Azzie."
Azrael has been watching with a wince and she shakes her head before getting back to the show. "A few other interesting tidbits – Al Snow wed fiancee Cynthia Lynch, known as Bobcat. The bride wore a possibly quite misleading white dress that amply showed off her expanded cleavage. There was no sign of Head. Also Mick Foley, who apparently was not at the bash, reportedly pulled out of negotiations for his sitcom 'Have a Nice Day!' once again, citing other commitments. Damn you, TNA."
She clears her throat and continues: "Pyper asked to do a special segment for the show," she says. "While it's not entirely wise to agree to Pyper's whims, I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt, not to mention fill up airtime. And so, without further ado, here's Pyper."
The screen switches to show Pyper standing on a different set – it has a pink backdrop with hearts on it and a similar LCD monitor to her left. "Hello everybody!" she calls out. "I'm here to commemorate yesterday, Valentine's Day, with a segment on who I think are the top five couples in wrestling today. So let's get to the list!"
A picture of Abyss and Lauren Thompson is shown on the screen. "While these two are yet to go on that hardcore date of his dreams – and by hardcore we mean more along the lines of chairshots rather than naughty kind you've found in your daddy's personal hard drive – Abyss is hoping that he can convice Lauren to join him for dinner and a shock therapy session when she's not too busy being freaked out."
The screen then shows the clip of the Colóns, the Bella Twins and Miz and Morrison from the past Smackdown. "Couples, people, I'm not looking into freakin' swinger orgies!" Pyper yells. "Oh wait, yeah, now I remember – the Colóns unfortunately lost out on dating the Bella Twins for Valentines Day after being beaten by the Be Jealous duo. But hey, it can't be that big a loss; any two chicks who consent to being treated as prize trophies have got to be attention-seeking whores, right?"
The next picture shows, weirdly enough, Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase Jr. "United in their somewhat unrequited man-crushes on Randy Orton, Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase Jr have found happiness and sought comfort in each other. Good for them."
"They're not gay, Pyper," Azrael's dry voice comes off-camera.
"They're not?" Pyper asks, baffled. "But I could have sworn that… But the man-crush, it's there, right?"
"I suppose it could be the main reason they follow that tool around," Azrael then says don't-carishly.
Pyper shrugs. "Good enough for me. Anyway, couple four…" the screen shows an image of Beth Phoenix and Santino Marella. "The fabulous Glamarella, WWE's own drag couple. Now that Beth Phoenix has Santino properly emasculated maybe she can pluck that unibrow, or at least get her intern Rosa Mendes to do it."
The final picture that comes on screen is that of Edge and Vickie Guerrero. Pyper grimaces a little. "And finally we have Edge and the General Manager of Smackdown, Vickie Guerrero. Undoubtedly they are WWE's current power couple, but shit, after Lita and now Vickie, it really gives you the impression that Edge will hit practically anything, right?"
"Once he got so drunk he hit on a passed-out Jeff Hardy," Azrael offers not so helpfully.
"Oh I know about that incident, I have pictures."
"Of course you do."
Pyper turns back to the camera. "Well, that's it for Pyper's top couples in pro-wrestling today! I'll be back next week with another list and another exciting theme! Bye-bye!" she waves gaily.
The camera switches back to Azrael, who clears her throat and says, "And now we have our top story for the week. Feast your eyes on this," she gestures to the LCD monitor.
On screen it shows Christian debuting on ECW, from his opening promo to his match against Jack Swagger. "That's right, Captain Charisma sans the Cage returned to WWE programming, ECW as it may be, and this Peep in particular could not be more stoked. I would have prefered an Edge and Christian reunion-slash-confrontation, but it's hard to complain when I get a chance to ogle Christian again."
Azrael then wraps things up, saying, "Anyway that brings us to the end of the first episode of Mouthpiece. We hope that you were entertained or, in the very least, not repulsed. We'll see you here next week for the fallout of No Way Out. Until then."
The show ends.
--- ΑΦΩ ---
In the KeyArena at Seattle, Washington, a mere two hours before the start of the No Way Out PPV, Chris Jericho stared in horror at his laptop as the webisode ended. He thought those sisters had fallen off the planet; why in the hell would they choose that inopportune time to resurface??
He then shook his head and was resolved to shrug the matter off. So they started a piddly little online show, big deal. It would never catch on. And, provided they kept away and WWE hired decent security this time around, he wouldn't have to deal with them.
Taking his jacket, he walked off to go and get ready for the show, neglecting to notice as on the website the counter numbers began to turn…
To be continued…