Title: Damn Regret
A/N: I own nothing related to CSI: NY. This is just a one shot I came up with after watching Child's Play. Also, this is unbeta'd so all mistakes are mine.
Two weeks. That's how long it had been. Two weeks. Fourteen days. Three hundred thirty-six hours.
Danny Messer couldn't tell you the last time he ate, slept, showered, or was even sober; but he could tell you exactly how long it had been since the death of ten-year old Ruben Sandoval. He could tell you that because that was also the last time he had spoken to Lindsay Monroe, his Montana.
"Oh God, Lindsay, I'm so sorry."
Finally rousing from his latest alcohol-induced unconscious state, he stumbled barefoot and only wearing a pair of boxers and messy wife beater into the bathroom; making the trek just in time to empty his stomach contents into the toilet. After regaining the equilibrium that vomiting with such gusto could deplete from a neglected body, he turned on the shower, stripped naked and stepped under the spray, not caring that it was freezing cold. The water temperature didn't matter. It blended with the ice that ran though his veins. Ruben was dead. Rikki had decided to leave the city, and he had pushed Lindsay away with such force, that it was no wonder he hadn't seen her since that last time.
That last time,Danny thought bitterly as he threw on a pair of grey sweat pants and a clean wife beater…the last clean clothes he had. How would he ever forget that last time? He knew she was just doing the best she could; trying to be a good girlfriend, to say and do the "right" things. Dead children weren't something Lindsay was good at. He knew that, and really, he should have been proud of her for loving him enough to try and be supportive. She hadn't coddled him, or tried and make him talk about it. She had just been there offering her silent support. Why couldn't he just let her do that?
Sitting on his couch, amid the wreckage of beer bottles, liquor bottles, pizza boxes, take out containers and various other things that littered his living room, Danny closed his eyes against the pain the jackhammer working on his cranium was causing. The intrusive beep of his phone interrupted his quiet hangover melancholy. Looking at the display screen, he took stock of all the calls he'd ignored over the past couple of days. Stella had called five times. Mac called eight times, and left seven messages he saw.
I'll listen to the riot act later.
Flack and Hawkes had called meager five and three times, respectively.
Hell, even Sid and Adam had each called him one time.
Why are they even bothering? Can't they see I'm a liability? I couldn't even manage to get Ruben to his bike blessing and home alive. How the fuck hard was that task Messer? You've helped Rikki with that little boy since he was a year old! You were the closest damned thing to a father that Ruben was ever going to get, and you got him killed!
"Why God, why?! He was just a little boy. He never hurt anybody. Why did you take him like that? He had dreams! Did you know that little boy wanted to grow up and be a cop? Do you even care? Well, do you?!" he screamed as he hurled an empty tequila bottle against the far wall, shattering the fragile glass, before it fell to the floor like glitter in a water globe.
As he stared at the shards of glass, his phone beeped again, this time for a text message. Looking at the screen again, he accepted the message, his breath catching in his throat as he saw what it said, and who it was from.
"Death ends a life, not a relationship"
Lindsay had sent it. The first communication he'd had with her in two weeks. It had been his fault they hadn't spoken in two weeks. He'd told her he needed some time and space. He just needed to be alone to figure things out. Now, this, this was her way of reminding him that Ruben may be dead in body, but in spirit he and Danny would always be forever bonded. Reading her message again, Danny let his mind wander to the last conversation they had. How he had so coldly and completely pushed her away.
Danny had stayed in the church for a good half hour after Rikki had left. Finally, he had found the strength to drag his body, feeling heavier than usual with the guilt that weighed him down, outside where he collapsed on the stairs as a torrent of bitter tears took him over. That was exactly how Lindsay found him fifteen minutes later.
After talking to Mac, she had tried to go back to work. There was still a case to be solved after all. As tempted as she had been to say 'to hell with it' and just go off and find him; she knew she couldn't. It had been just under a year earlier when she had let her emotions get the best of her, and allow her to shirk her responsibility to the badge she wore and the promise she made to protect and serve the city in which she'd lived. No, she couldn't' do that again. One time Mac and Stella had tried to understand why she did it, and forgiven her transgression. She knew that asking them to do that for a second time was pushing things too far, and thus, she forged on the best she could given the circumstances. She'd dutifully slipped on her lab coat and began processing the evidence they had collected from the club. Then, Mac stepped up beside her, and told her to go with her gut. Do what she needed to do, and be where she felt she needed to be. Giving him a broken hearted smile that almost made him, a hardened Marine, want to cry, Lindsay quickly packed away and catalogued her evidence, before slipping out of the lab in search of Danny.
Mac had grown fond of Lindsay, during her time at the lab. She was tough, dedicated, a hard worker and compassionate to everyone she came across. He knew that, though her body may be at work, her mind and heart were with Danny. It wasn't a hard choice for him to tell her to go and find him. After all, there was a time when he was young and in love.
After finding Danny, Lindsay coaxed him up and into her car. They drove back to his place in silence, she occasionally only glancing his way to check on him. Each time, he stared blankly out the passenger side window. Knowing the bodega was on the present route back to Danny's apartment, Lindsay purposely made a right turn two-blocks before she needed to; earning her a short glance from Danny to which she just shrugged.
Getting back to the apartment, Danny was quickly ushered down the hall by his girlfriend. Passing Rikki's door, Lindsay felt the sharp needle-like jab of sorrow course through her body. She'd met the young mother and son on several occasions.
Lindsay and Rikki had quickly bonded over a love of shopping, poetry, good coffee and pastries, and a mutual respect for one Detective Daniel Messer. She remembered meeting Ruben as well. He was an energetic little boy with a love for Batman, comic books, baseball and an infectious smile that could make people in even the foulest mood happy.
Once inside, Lindsay sat Danny on the couch, and effortlessly moved around the apartment, preparing a cup of tea, as well as getting some ibuprofen for the inevitable headache that was going to come down on him. Once the hot drink was ready, she sat the items in front of him, and took a seat on the other end of the sofa, gathering her thoughts.
"Do you want to talk?"
"No," the first word he'd spoken to her since she saw him at the church, was, cold, distant and designed to shut down any potential conversation.
"Listen, I'm not very good at this…this sort of thing, so I don't know what to say or do in this situation; but I'm trying Danny. I really am."
At the blunt honesty of her words, Danny felt his anger rising, He wasn't angry at her, per se, but he was just angry. Angry at how unfair life could be. Angry at himself for not making sure Ruben got home safely. He was angry that Rikki hadn't called to check in when he and Ruben had been gone for a few hours. He was angry that she was mad at him for not calling her when he was in the middle of a firestorm of chaos. He even found himself angry at Lucy Scott for firing that gun in the first place. But most of all, he was angry at Lindsay for not having the right words to say to make him feel better. He knew that wasn't fair, and she was trying with the best of intentions, but she was there and he needed somewhere to direct his anger; and it looked like it was going to be her. So, Danny did the only thing he knew how to do; he pushed her away.
"Get out."
"What," she asked, shocked, at the hostility in his voice.
"You heard me. Just leave Lindsay!"
"Danny, I…I just want to help."
"Well you can't help! Not this time! I don't know what I might do here, and it's safer if you just leave me before something happens!"
"Danny what are you saying? Are you thinking of killing yourself," she asked, the alarmed tone in her voice rising considerably as she ended the sentence.
"Yes. I mean…no! Hell, I don't know! All I know is that you need to get the hell out of here right now!" He slammed his fist down on the table in font of him for emphasis, making the tea in his mug slosh over, and Lindsay jump off the couch, in fear. Danny had never done anything to hurt or scare her before, but right now, she was afraid of what he could do if she didn't leave.
"Danny, I…I…I don't know what I said or did, but…" her voice trailed off, as she tried to keep her tears at bay until she could get out the door she was backing towards; fighting the urge to just turn and run.
Hearing the soft quaver in her voice, Danny turned in her direction and felt a deep anger and regret at what he saw in her face. He had scared her. That was right up on the list with hurting her, as the top five things he never wanted to do to Lindsay.
"Fuck," he muttered as he got up and made his way towards her, holding his hands up in a sign that he meant no harm.
Still on her guard, Lindsay allowed him to approach her, until he stopped, two feet of air separating their bodies. His posture defeated and loathsome; hers tense and ready to fight, or flee.
"Shit, Linds…Montana, I am so sorry. You know I love you, right?"
Lindsay nodded, still not sure what he was going to do, regardless of if she left like he asked or refused, and stayed, as she so desperately wanted to. Still, her brain was telling her leaving was the best idea. She'd been irreparably hurt by one Daniel in her life; she didn't want to be hurt by another one if he was offering her a way out.
Not getting the verbal confirmation that he'd so wanted, Danny forged ahead in his explanation, hoping to rectify some of the fright he'd inflicted on this innocent woman.
"I would never intentionally hurt, or scare you Lindsay. You've had enough hurt and fear in your life, and all I want to do is protect you from any form of harm that comes your way. Do you understand what I'm telling you?"
Lindsay gave a slight nod, the fight to keep her tears at bay becoming much harder; almost to the point of being futile.
"Tell me, Lindsay. Tell me that you understand that I love you, and would never ever do anything to hurt you. I need to hear you say you understand that," Danny pleaded, needing to hear the words from her, to know that he hadn't just screwed things up so badly that his next words would be taken by her as rejection and a break up.
"I understand," she said, a soft sob catching a ride from her breaking heart and out of her mouth on the last word.
Hearing the sob, Danny desperately wanted to pull her into his arms and his bedroom. He wanted to curl up under the covers with her and allow them both to cry until there were no more tears left to shed. Somehow, still, he found himself unable to do what his very soul was screaming for him to do. Maybe it was the way he grew up, in a family where men didn't cry; especially in front of a woman. Maybe that was how all little boys in the Bronx were raised, not to cry and definitely not to do it in front of a woman. In Danny's world, men were men. They didn't cry. They didn't disrespect their women, especially hitting them. And they didn't fail. No, Messer men never failed at an assigned task. But Danny had. He had been given the task to protect Ruben and he'd failed. He couldn't let Lindsay be with a failure. Not right now. Not until he'd reconciled with himself what role he really had played in Ruben's death.
"I love you Lindsay. I love you so much that it hurts when we're apart for too long. It hurts to realize that no matter how much I love you, that I won't always be able to protect you; that despite best intentions that things happen that our out of our control."
"Danny, what are you saying?"
"I'm saying that I need time Lindsay. I need time and space; apart from you. I need time apart from everyone."
"So, this is it? Ruben dies because of a freak coincidence of bad timing and circumstances, and now you can't be with me anymore? Why? Is it because I don't know what to say to make this a bit more bearable for you? Or is it because you think that not being with you will keep me from getting hurt or killed on the job?" She all too perceptively asked, silent tears rolling down her cheeks.
Danny reached out to brush her tears away, but feeling her stiffen under his touch he quickly pulled away. Shit. He was so tangled up in his own pain that he'd hurt her. He never wanted to hurt her. But he didn't want to break up with her either. He had to make her understand that.
"No. No! I'm not saying it's over Linds. I just need time. I need to be by myself right now. I need to be able to grieve without people constantly telling me it's not my fault and coddling me. I need to remind myself that people being with me, isn't a death sentence. I just need to be Lindsay."
She just stared at him, taking stock of what he had said, as if she was trying to decide if this was a kiss off and things were indeed over.
"It's not over Lindsay. I still want to be with you. Hell, I want to spend the rest of my life with you, but right now, I need to be by myself and work through this on my own. When I'm ready to let people in, you'll be the first person I call. Trust me on this. I'm not saying goodbye. I'm just saying, I need space and time to work this out. Please, just do as I ask and give me that space." Danny finished and waited for, what he was sure was going to be a reaction of crying, anger, fighting, and finally defeat. However, when she did react, it wasn't what he'd expected from her.
"Okay, I'll leave, but only on one condition."
"What condition is that," Danny asked, shocked that she was being so calm.
"Your guns. I want you to give me both of your guns…just for now."
"Linds, I don't think that's necessary. I'm not going to hurt myself."
"Danny, just give them to me. For my peace of mind, please."
Danny just looked at her, not really willing to do what she was asking of him. He didn't see how giving over his weapons would make Lindsay feel better.
"I just don't think I could bear getting a call from Mac or Flack telling me that they found you dead from a self inflicted gunshot wound. What you said earlier, shows me you're at least idly thinking about the concept; and if you acted on that thought, and I hadn't done anything to even try and prevent it, I know I wouldn't be able to live with myself. So please, Danny. I'm begging you. Give me the guns."
Looking into her eyes, Danny realized that she was trying to prevent her feeling at her friends being murdered and her not doing anything to stop it, from replaying in a different context. She couldn't do anything for them then, and God he hoped she realized that, but she could do this now. She could take his guns and at least be doing something to keep him safe. Touched that she loved him this much, Danny took both his weapons and gave them over to Lindsay.
"Thank you," she said as she tucked them safely in her purse and prepared to leave with one final message to him. "Please, don't go too long without talking to someone. It doesn't have to be me, but just check in once in awhile. Let someone know you're safe, and call if you need anything."
With that, Lindsay leaned in and kissed his cheek, before quickly exiting the apartment, closing the door behind her. Danny locked the door, and listened as he heard Lindsay slide down the wall and start to cry. He knew he was the cause of her tears, and that thought alone was enough to make him unleash his own downpour of agony. He wanted to go to her, take back everything he'd said and beg her to stay with him forever. As much as his heart wanted that, his body refused to obey, leaving him to press his forehead against the door and cry with her.
After a few minutes, the soft sounds of Lindsay's desperate sobs, was replaced by the sound of her weary, indolent footsteps heading towards the stairs. With that, Danny lost it. He went in the kitchen, grabbed a bottle of Grey Goose, and so began is two week self-destruction.
The sound of knocking on his front door broke him out of his reverie. For a single moment, a blissful flash in time, the thought of it being Ruben wanting to know if Danny could come out and play ball with him crossed his mind.
Ruben's dead. He'll never be able to knock a line drive past me again.
Without even bothering to look through the peephole, Danny yanked the wooden panel open. Any insults he had ready for the person ruining his wallowing in self pity, died on his tongue when he saw who was in front of him. It was Lindsay; and she looked like total shit. Danny always thought Lindsay was beautiful, and this wasn't exactly and exception, but it was more accurate to say he'd never seen a more beautiful shitty looking person in his life.
You love sick asshole! What would Flack say about that? Anyway, she probably looks like this because of you. Poor thing probably hasn't slept much since you broke her heart.
"Hey," he said quietly, moving aside to let her in.
"Hey," she replied in kind, knowing he probably felt as hung over as she did, but for an entirely different reason.
Making her way into the small space, Lindsay took stock of the makeshift landfill his apartment had become. After seeing that Danny was indeed alive and not going to kick her out, she quickly moved into the kitchen and retrieved a garbage bag from under the sink. Danny took a seat on his couch, moving aside some things so she could sit as well if she wished, as he watched her obsessive-compulsive clean freak nature kick in as she began to pick up various pieces of trash to be put in the bag, and throw dirty clothing in the general direction of his bedroom.
After five minutes of just watching her anxiously turn the mess of his surroundings into some sort of manageable chaos, he spoke.
"I got your text message."
Lindsay put down the bag, and walked towards him, "So Flack was right. You were just ignoring everyone so you could destroy your liver in peace," she commented dryly.
"I wasn't ignoring everyone Lindsay. I just needed some time to get my head straight and come to terms with what happened."
"You really worried a lot of people Danny. Mac has called eight times in two days, and countless times before that. Same with Stella and everyone else! Even Adam called you, Danny! Do you know what was going through my mind?"
Danny just looked at her, waiting for her to continue. She'd let him have his emotional tirade when Ruben died; so he only saw it as fair to let her have hers while he showed her the same courtesy she had done him, and listen.
"When I didn't hear from you for five days, I couldn't take it. I broke down and told Flack about me taking your guns. When neither of us had heard from you for three more days, I went and talked to Mac. I told him about our conversation that night, including the part about taking the guns. He called your landlady and asked if she'd seen you. She said hadn't seen you, but you've had take out delivered. He told me not to worry, and that you would pull out of it soon, and if not, then we'd start ignoring your request to be left alone," She paused drawing in a shaky breath before continuing. "When you didn't acknowledge the text message I thought the worst Danny! I called Mac and told him that if I didn't come and find out for myself that you were okay, I was going to go crazy! Working was the only thing that was keeping me going, and then yesterday Mac made me take a week of personal leave and I just didn't know what else to do! I can't work, but I couldn't just sit around the house wondering if you actually drank yourself to death, left the city, or just never wanted to see me again!" Lindsay ended her monologue finally letting her emotions loose, sobs wracking her slighter-than- normal frame.
Danny pulled lightly on her royal blue sweater, gently guiding her to sit on the couch. Once she was comfortably nestled into the cushions, he pulled her shaking form into his arms and felt exactly how fragile she was. When she'd appeared at his door, the pallor of her skin, highlighted the dark circles and bags under her eyes, gave him reasonable suspicion that she'd missed out on more than her fair share of quality sleep and maybe even a few meals lately, and holding her now, only confirmed his suspicions, and brought on a wave of guilt that this had been because of him. It was then, that something she said, struck him.
"Wait a minute. What do you mean; Mac is making you take a week of personal leave? Why would he do that?"
"Not just Mac, Danny. It's Stella too. Sid even agreed with them."
"Okay, honey, I know you're upset but you're gonna have to start making some sense for the hung over person in the room," Danny quipped at his own state, in an effort to get her talking some sense.
"When you…pulled away from me, I didn't know what else to do, so I started working as much as possible. I maxed out a month's worth of field hours in two weeks and started pulling double shifts doing lab work, and getting caught up on all my paperwork. At one point I even stocked the supply closet and reorganized our office. Work was all that kept me sane." She explained.
"Lindsay, as of right now, how long have you been awake," Danny asked, suspicious that it had been close to thirty-six hours or so.
"Um, seventy-two hours, I think. Give or take a couple," she said after squinting at her watch to see the time. At this point, Lindsay was so tired, and her body protesting the lack of food so strongly, that her vision had begun to blur and she was finding it hard to stay focused on why she was here.
Boy am I glad I took a cab over.
"And when was the last time you ate anything resembling actual food? Cookies, ice cream and candy don't count," Danny asked his concern turning into alarm, and wondering if he should take her to a doctor.
"Sid and Hawkes teamed up on me yesterday morning in the break room. They made me have a muffin and a glass of orange juice. Hawkes said if I didn't eat that, then he'd tell Mac and Stella that I needed to be put on emergency medical leave."
Danny chuckled at this. He knew Stella looked at Lindsay as a little sister of sorts; and since Stella had no actual family of her own, and Lindsay was so far away from hers, she'd taken it upon herself to sort of 'take care' of the younger woman when she could. Being told that Lindsay needed to be put on emergency medical leave would have only resulted in Stella dragging her to an emergency clinic whether Lindsay liked it or not.
"At the end of shift, Mac called me into his office and told me that I needed to take some leave. Get some rest and eat a bit. If I didn't, he was worried I would work myself into a hospital stay for exhaustion and malnutrition. Sid backed him up and stated that I was showing the classic signs of both. Damn doctors."
Again, Danny chuckled at her disdain for the older Medical Examiner at the moment. He agreed with Sid though, she did need to sleep and eat before she got herself sick.
"Come, on. Let me go change my sheets and we can get you into bed for a nice long nap. This mess can be taken care of later," Danny said trying to pull her up, even as she stubbornly pulled back.
"Danny we need to talk about this now. I haven't been able to sleep because I'm so worried about you. I won't be able to sleep, even if you're there until we work this out," she protested, blinking her tired eyes sweetly; hoping that he'd fall for her natural charm like he usually did.
"Okay," he sighed, "how do you want to work this out?"
"That's just it. I don't know how to work this out. Like I said before, I'm not very good at this sort of thing. Dead children are a sore spot with me."
"I'm not very good at this sort of thing either Montana. Grieving and having someone there that cares are both new things for me. I guess pushing you away, to help you, didn't do either of us any good did it," Danny told her honestly. Two weeks ago, he had truly thought that what he was doing was best for both of them; however, now it sure looked like it had been the worst thing he could do all around.
"No, it sure didn't," she replied, allowing a ghost of a smile to cross her lips.. "So since we're not very good at this, what do we do now? I mean, Mac might be right about not sleeping or eating putting me into the hospital; and I can't just let you live in a pig sty. I'm gonna have nightmares for weeks as it is now!"
Danny laughed, as Lindsay poked fun at her clean freak nature, and then proposed a serious idea, "Well, since neither of us is very good at this sort of thing, how about we be not good at this sort of thing together? Sound like a good plan?"
"That sounds like a plan; but I have one condition." Lindsay replied sleepily, as Danny wrapped an arm around her shoulders and prepared to sweep her up in his arms and carry her to the bedroom for a nice long nap.
"What condition is that?"
"The next time something goes wrong, we don't automatically push each other away, but try and work it out together."
"That sounds like a great plan," Danny agreed as he swept her up in his arms and headed towards the bedroom. He knew it wasn't clean, but he doubted she was awake enough to care right now. "I love you," he whispered pressing his lips to her forehead.
"I love you too," she mumbled back, kissing his jaw lightly.
By the time Danny placed her on the mattress, and pulled up the covers, Lindsay was sound asleep, for the first time in days. As he climbed in next to her, wrapping his arms around her, he took stock of the mess around them. Before joining her in slumber, he had one final thought.
She's gonna flip, when she wakes up and sees this mess.