Disclaimer: What's not mine's Not. Mine.

Conscience with the NAKED Malfoy

Hermione was feeling very hungry and began her quest for food as she made her way to the kitchen under a Disillusionment Charm that she expertly cast on herself. As she entered the cold, vast kitchen where the 'poor elves' worked, she noticed that the elves had already cleared the kitchens and went on to do other chores. They never stop working. One day, I swear I'll make them see their equality with us, humans.

She strolled to the center of the kitchen where a large rectangular oak table stood. "Wow." She muttered at the wide array of food available.

"Who's there?" An all-too-familiar voice resounded in the kitchen.

Hermione gasped. He could be anywhere in the room but he certainly did not know who or where she was. Hmm... Hermione faked a voice that sounded much deeper and sterner than her real voice, "Malfoy, how dare you sneak out of your dormitory! It's three hours past curfew!"

"What? Who are you? Where are you? When did you come? Why are you here?" Malfoy interrogated, using all the five Wh's.

Using the same faked voice, Hermione reprimanded in fake severity, "I am your dearest conscience. Now, aren't you horribly guilty of being out of bed at one?"

Malfoy snorted from a position, where Hermione figured to be, somewhere in front of her. "Oh, my dearest conscience," he played along, "I'm famished! If I don't eat, I shall die of hunger… and then, what will your conscience say? Boohoo!"

Annoyed, Hermione picked up a random object, which happened to be a raw chicken drumstick, and hurled it in the ferret's general direction. "Take that!"

"You missed." Malfoy said as the offending piece of raw flesh slammed into some pans hung on the wall, much to his satisfaction. "Ha! Like you can ever hit me… So, Conscience, care to tell me why you are here even when it's three hours after curfew?" He attempted to imitate her but failed terribly as his voice was far too deep to reach Hermione's pitch.

Hermione crossed her arms haughtily, "I just want to eat, alright? I missed dinner." Because I fell asleep while revising for History of Magic, but you'll not know this, prat. "So please, Malfoy, be kind and let me eat my fill." With that, she stepped towards the table cautiously and picked a bowl of salad and some other food items to indulge in. She took the pain to squat near the table such that Malfoy wouldn't see her bowl hovering in midair.

Funny how the kitchen's always stocked with such food even when the elves weren't present. Maybe they were expecting hungry people like them to visit…

After minutes of relative peace, Hermione decided that Malfoy probably just died somehow (nah, but a girl could only hope) and she ventured to sit on a short, flimsy stool in a corner of the kitchen and continued eating. As if to disprove her theory of having Malfoy drop dead suddenly, movement was spotted out of the corner of eyes. A glass was being filled with water from the tap and he was about to drink it when…

SPLASH!

Ah… the multi-functional tap water.

Water dripped from ends of her hair, forehead and down her chin... The potatoes in Hermione's bowl now looked absolutely revolting. "MALFOY!" She screeched, forgetting to use her fake voice. It didn't matter anyways. She was just going to kill the mindless bastard. How dare he splash her with tap water unceremoniously!

"Whoa, if it isn't the Granger, Know-it-all cum Head Girl. Nice to see you in the kitchen after curfew." Malfoy mocked.

The Disillusionment Charm had lost its effect, Hermione realised… He added things into the water. "Fuck it, moron! I abhor you, remember that!" Hermione slammed her bowl down onto her stool as she got up from it.

"Mutual feelings." He answered.

"I just wanted to eat." She complained.

"Me too."

"Give me peace, scram!" She ordered.

"Tone, Mudblood. Your tone... I don't like it." Malfoy commented simply, still in his 'invisible' form.

Hermione took out her wand and muttered a spell in Malfoy's direction and soon, colours of Malfoy showed. And, horror of horrors, he was…

"AHH! Malfoy, you are STARK NAKED!" Hermione exclaimed in both disgust and surprise (mostly the former) as she threw a hand to cover her eyes. "Merlin, I'm going to wake up tomorrow with some sort of eye disease that may not even be a normal eye infection because I actually saw the naked body of Malfoy… (mumbles, mumbles)... and he's such a disgusting prat with an over-sized body and an even bigger head..." She cursed, not even bothered to soak in more details of his naked body.

"Gee… You don't like what you see, do you?" Malfoy asked, stepping closer to her. Perhaps it hurt his ego that she covered her eyes at the sight of his naked glory. Well, served him right, really!

Hermione moved a finger away from her eyes and bravely took a peek. "Ugh, Malfoy! Who in their right mind would walk around naked!" True she said he was 'mindless' but this was too far! Suddenly, she gasped and opened her eyes wide and questioned, "You can't have been raped... can you?"

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A/N: Meant to be a funny, crappy and just nonsensical fic. But it turned out to be more crappy than it should be and not the least bit funny. But REVIEW! And if people like it, I will write more crap! And even if you all don't like it, sulk for all you think I care. I will still write crap (more, more, more!). Blah:D

Love, LD.

ps: Just updated this supposed one-shot with a prelude to the event here. Hope you like this! (smiles!)