Hey everyone. I'm on spring break on a cruise at the moment. This idea kind of popped into my head while tanning yesterday and I had some writer's block I had to work through with Funhouses with Joe anyway, so here is just a little one-shot I wrote up in a couple of hours. It may not be the happiest thing ever but it's a great song and if you haven't heard it, then it definitely worth downloading! Please don't hesitate to leave me a review telling me what you thought. I've been playing with/struggling with writing in first person for a bit now. I'm trying to step outside my third person comfort zone, so here is the result.
Disclaimer: I do not Hannah Montana, the Jonas Brothers, or Sick Inside by Hope Partlow
His Mistake
I'm just a girl who / Kissed a boy who / Is in love with someone else
This wasn't supposed to happen. Forbidden love was something you only read about in fairytales. So Romeo and Juliet cliché that there was no way in my mind it could have ever been real. And its not, at least not until you've experienced it. I wasn't supposed to fall for my best friend's boyfriend. My heart and mind weren't supposed to battle each other each time I had to make a decision. They always say to follow your heart but it has only seemed to get me in more and more trouble. So much for that brilliant idea.
I keep blaming myself and I'm sure Miley blames me too. Of course in her mind, Nicholas Jerry Jonas is a total saint who could do no wrong. That is until I "seduced" him, as she might say. It wasn't like that was even my intention. We kissed. It was amazing. It was everything I had hoped kissing him would be like. I had had a crush on the boy since before he and Miley had even hooked up, but I certainly never thought I would act on my insane dreams.
I know Nick thinks the kiss was nothing; a mistake, a slip-up, something highly regrettable. If only he knew how deeply I felt for him. Yet he was in love with Miley and not even I could argue that he wasn't. I could see it in the glint of his eye. I was a mistake, at least to him. If he only knew that he wasn't a mistake for me. He has given me possibly the best kiss of my entire life and it has cost me my best friend and any hope of furthering a friendship or relationship of any kind with Nick.
Now it's my turn to feel regret.
I didn't mean to / Feel the way I do / It just happened / By itself
I honestly can't even say I remember the moment where I knew I had a crush on Nick. It's probably been lurking inside me since I met the boy. The feelings kind of snuck up on me, pouncing at the more inopportune moments. My stomach would do flip flops when he was around, my heart would race at the thought of his chocolate curls. It wasn't like my crush on him was planned. Miley thinks I practically had a plan to destroy her relationship. I don't have those kinds of capabilities. It wasn't like I had this desire to stab Miley in the back. It just happened. That's the only way to describe it. My heart chose Nick; I had nothing to do with it.
If I had had any choice in the matter I would have definitely chose to keep my feelings towards him as platonic as possible…as if. Yet now it seems I have absolutely zero control over my attractions and it sucks. I hate lying in bed at night and having every single thought I have wander back to Nick. It's the worst feeling ever to be infatuated with a boy who doesn't return your feelings. I wouldn't even wish it on Amber and Ashley. That's how bad it sucks to feel the way I do.
Now I'm sick inside / Yea it makes me wanna cry / I'm so sorry about last night
Now I'm positive I've completely lost Miley as a friend and probably Oliver too. When she found out she was so angry. Her eyes pierced through me as she gave me her signature death glare that she normally only reserved for Jackson. I guess it was a special occasion… I've probably ruined her relationship, and I'm not even sure if that makes me happy or sad. All my emotions are just a huge jumble.
But Miley is talented in the art of making me feel guilty. I've tried apologizing for last night but she won't return my calls or even look at me for that matter. I can't say I blame her. My stomach aches with guilt for doing this to her. The tears in her eyes didn't help me to feel less guilty either. It almost makes me tear up to think about all the good times we won't have. Miley felt like my other half, and now ten seconds worth of the most amazing kiss of my life had ripped it all away.
I don't think we'll ever be friends again. I don't think she'll ever forgive me.
Yea It happened so fast / I wanted it to last / In the moment it felt so right / Now I'm sick inside
The whole moment in question is actually kind of a blur. It was like one second we were just talking and then the next his lips were attached to mine and his hands were running through my hair. I wanted it so bad. I allowed him to kiss me. And while I may not be labeled as the initiator of the kiss, I am just as guilty for kissing him back. I didn't want it to end. I guess at some point I knew that after it ended things would just get screwed up, just like they are now. Now I have this lingering regret I can't shake. I could skateboard from here to New York and I still think the pain in the pit of my stomach would be there.
The thing is, when we were kissing it just felt like that was how it was supposed to be. Our lips melded together perfectly. My hands felt like they fit in his like a one-of-a-kind puzzle piece. It was like I was meant to kiss him. Fate was intervening, telling us that we were meant to be together. That it was the right thing to do. Yea right…
He stopped by my house / We were hangin' out / He was wonderin' where you are
All I remember from the beginning day is him driving up in his red Honda Civic. I loved that car. As soon as I saw it slide into my driveway I felt my stomach do its standard triple flip before landing back into place. It was a windy but sunny day and he had on a pair of red square sunglasses framing his face. His tousled curls swayed in direction with the wind as he stepped out the car and gave me a friendly wave and smile. I returned his smile with a wide grin of my own and quickly made my way over to him and gave him a huge hug while I breathed in the combined scent of his fresh shampoo and cologne.
We chatted for a while, about a little bit of everything. My spirits were soaring as we talked about the game on TV the night before, something I knew I could relate to with him that Miley couldn't. She wasn't a sports type of girl. We were laughing and talking and I was basically getting drunk off of his gorgeous smile. I loved how seeing him smile with his teeth was such a rare occurrence, it just made it even more special when I managed to amuse him in a way that I got to see it.
I was so happy we were bonding, that is until he glanced down at his cell phone and then asked me if I knew where Miley was. I didn't, but I probably wouldn't have told him even if I did. I would have given anything for more one-on-one time with Nick.
We went walkin' / We were just talkin' / Then he kissed me by his car
After he realized I didn't know where he could find his girlfriend he just shrugged and looked around. I stood there, pushing hair out of my face that had blown there thanks to the wind. He looked at me, in a way different than he had ever had, a way that made my stomach flip four times instead of three. Then he asked me if I wanted to take a walk. All I could do was nod in agreement.
As we strolled along the sidewalk of my plush green neighborhood our conversation wandered into deeper subjects than the ones we had ever talked about. We talked about feeling lost and confused in who we wanted to be. We talked about feeling helpless to control certain feelings we had. I was talking about him, and I had no idea who he was talking about. I assumed it was Miley, but now I'm not even sure.
As our walked ended he leaned against his car, and just looked at me. I gave him a shy smile and that caused him to smile with his teeth, which caused my smile to widen. The wind has picked up and it was whipping my hair in every direction. As soon as I would get it out of my eyes it would just blow right back. It made Nick and me break out in a fit of laughter. Then before I knew it Nick took of his sunglasses, pushed a strand of my hair behind my ear, and pressed his lips against mine.
Now I'm sick inside / Yea it makes me wanna cry / I'm so sorry about last night
And just as quickly as it has happened it was over. I'll never forget Nick's reaction to the kiss. It was one of shock. I was shocked too, but full of happiness. I felt sorry for Nick. He looked so confused; like he had really wanted to kiss me, but now he didn't know what he had just done. That's the story of my life.
I haven't even really talked to him since, which has killed me. He only sent me a simple text message a couple hours after the event. "I have to tell Miley about what happened today. I'm sorry. Maybe we can talk later," was all that it said. I hadn't even bothered to text back more than a simple "Ok." Miley did have a right to know. It wasn't like I could have stopped him anyway. I knew I shouldn't have felt like I did but the last sentence of his text sent me into a buzz of emotion. I couldn't help it. I was hooked on Nick, and I couldn't stop myself.
Yea It happened so fast / I wanted it to last / In the moment it felt so right / Now I'm sick inside
I knew Miley had heard of my afternoon tryst with Nick by the next hour. I couldn't help but call her cell phone every 20 or so minutes to see if she acted different or if she would yell at me. The first couple times I called with a stupid excuse and we would chit chat for a couple of minutes before she hung up. I knew she knew by the 3rd time I called because she has promptly picked up the phone in a huff, said a quick "I'm on the phone with Nick!" and hung up on me. She definitely knew, and she definitely was not happy about it. She didn't pick up any of my other calls that night and neither did Nick.
I have no idea what to do about the whole situation. Oliver hasn't even called me. I must have made my way into full outcast mode. I have no idea what Nick told Miley or even if it was the whole truth. I couldn't imagine him lying, but I imagine anything he told her Miley would contort to make my fault. It was always my fault. Just blame it on Lilly! That was everyone's philosophy. I was the cause of the world's misery.
Now I have my own misery to deal with. The misery of going from having several close friends to having none in 10 seconds flat. I'm sure the whole school will be on Miley's side by Monday. Oh how I can't wait for that.
Now I'm stuck with feelin in the pit of my soul / Guess I shouldve had a little self control / I knew that it was wrong / I admit it
As I continue to think about the kiss I start to think that I shouldn't have let it happen at all. That I should've been strong enough to not kiss him. I just got so swept up in him. Swept up in those eyes, those muscles, that personality. He was intoxicating and I loved every second of it. Now thanks to that stupid kiss I've lost all hope of even being his friend.
I knew kissing him was wrong. I knew hanging out with him by myself was wrong. In a way I knew that it would lead to something like this. That I would manage to screw it up and fall even farther than I already had for Nick Jonas. I admit that it was one of the most self-centered things I had ever done. That I had pushed aside all my morals and beliefs for that one kiss with the boy of my dreams. Had it been worth it? At first I thought it was. Now I'm not so sure.
If only this gnawing in my stomach would disappear. If only…
I wish there was a way that I could make it alright / I really wanna tell you that I put up a fight / But that would be a lie
How can I even have Miley forgive me? There must be some way. I want to rewind the whole thing and re-do it. Continue my secret crush on Nick by myself, at least then I would be able to see him now and then, talk to him, and I could always dream. Now, none of that was possible. I was forced into being a hermit. No one wants to associate with me, not the mistress, not the one who has destroyed the perfect couple. I wonder if Nick and Miley are still together.
They probably are. With Miley blaming me he probably got off without so much as a slap on the wrist. I want to talk to Miley. I want to explain to her everything running through my mind. Maybe she would understand more than she does now. Maybe she would be closer to forgiving me.
I wish I could tell her it was all him. That he had attacked my face with his lips, that I didn't want it. But that would be the biggest lie I've ever told. I wanted it more than I had ever wanted anything. I couldn't possibly tell a lie that huge. Not even to repair my friendship with Miley. What was done was done.
Now I'm sick inside / Yea it makes me wanna cry / I'm so sorry about last night
Miley finally answered one of my calls the next day. I asked if I could meet her at Rico's and talk to her. She wasn't having it at first, but after a little begging and pleading I finally convinced her to go. When she got there I could feel her shoot me icy glares as I launched into my pre-prepared speech filled with more apologies than I could count. I told her about everything, from the crush I had had on Nick for forever to my feelings towards the kiss. I didn't even notice that I had begun to softly cry as I told her everything.
I saw Miley's eyes lighten as I kept telling her everything. Then after I was done she began to tell me about how hurt she had been when Nick told her. How she never thought her best friend would do that to her. And then I felt more sick. I was the worst best friend in the world. It was official.
Yea It happened so fast / I wanted it to last / In the moment it felt so right / Now I'm sick inside
Miley had halfway forgiven me, but I probably would never have her trust again. She made me promise that nothing would ever happen between Nick and I again. I honestly wanted to keep that promise, but it made me sad to think my dreams of Nick and I being together would never become a reality. I guess to some extent I always knew that, but now that it was set in stone it just made me want to cry.
I talked to Nick a couple of days later. Things were definitely awkward at first. Neither of us knew what to say. I made a promise to myself that I would try to never be alone with him again, that way at least if we were in public I would be able to control myself from any repeats of the kiss.
He told me he was in love with Miley, which definitely stung, but it was nothing I hadn't already known. I knew he was telling the truth. He loved Miley, not me. I was still his mistake. Although 'mistake' wasn't my word of choice, I was happy to be 'his' anything. At least I had an association to him somehow.
It's better to live with the label of 'friend' than no label at all.
I'm just a girl who / Kissed a boy who / Is in love with you
Miley was so lucky to have Nick care for her so much. Yea, we had kissed, but it didn't mean anything. But whenever he kissed Miley I had to swallow the lump in my throat. Their kisses had ten times more meaning than mine had. I wish I could have that. Even if its not with Nick. I just want to have something even a fraction like what they have.
Yes we kissed. But he is in love with Miley. And all I can do now is dream.
This story has a lot of firsts in it for me. It's my first song fic, one-shot, Nilly, and my first published attempt at writing in first person. I really hope you liked reading it. It wasn't very happy or fluffy, but I hope it wasn't terribly sad. I wanted to convey Lilly's self-discovery towards the end. That it wasn't necessarily Nick that she wanted, but the love between Miley and Nick. I guess it was just really introspective and kind of OCC for Lilly.
Leave me some reviews that I can be happy with when I get back from my cruise!! My dad is totally paying 75 cents per minute that I am posting this…lol…
Oh also! If you have been reading Funhouses with Joe, I am working hard on it. I've hit a little snag and some writer's block, but I'm planning and writing. I'll get chapter 16 up as soon as I can!