This is a one-shot, slightly AU, mid-season 4 fic. Instead of not being able to sleep, Ryan has nightmares, and only one thing seems to help… It's written in 9 cycles that are too short to make proper chapters, so I just put them all together.
Current musical inspiration: 'Wide Awake' by Kenna, off the album 'Make Sure They See My Face'.
As always, reviews are welcome and very awesome. I smile and clap when I get them, kind of like a little kid at Christmas.
Cycle 1
Ryan runs. All he can hear is the beating of his heart and the pounding of his feet against the pavement. All he can see is black; objects appear as if from nowhere, and he has to dodge them at the last minute. Ryan doesn't usually scare easily.
He is terrified.
He has no idea where he is. All he knows is that someone is chasing him and he has to get away. A wall comes out of nowhere and his shoulder hits it. He goes down hard, bruising his knees and tearing a layer of skin off his hands. He gets up and continues running, hearing the sound of shoes on concrete behind him.
Then he's out; out of wherever he has been and into the open night. He runs for the street, hoping someone will be able to help him. When he reaches the black expanse of road, he stops. His hands go to his knees and he gasps for breath. He has to get away. The last thing he sees when he looks up are the bright lights of the car as it hits him.
Ryan wakes with a start. Staring at his ceiling, he thinks about the dream; he's had the same one over and over again since the accident. Every night he runs from an unknown killer, only to be run over by a car.
Every single night.
Taylor skips perkily into the restaurant, smelling the overwhelming aroma of spices. She isn't really that fond of Mexican food – it makes her queasy – but Ryan works here, so she puts up with the smell. He greets her like he always does: a quick nod in her direction followed by a lemonade set on the bar. She's glad that he's alright with her coming here, but she wishes he felt something a little more than bored familiarity.
She settles at the bar, sipping her lemonade, and watches him work. He looks so cute when he wipes down the tables. Actually, he looks cute doing anything, but she has a thing for working men.
"What's up, Taylor?" he sighs when he notices her watching.
She smiles at him. "Nothing, just came by to visit." He nods and continues busing tables. She notices two very Newport girls eying him up. Taylor gives them a quick glare, letting them know that he's taken – even if he doesn't know it yet. They roll their eyes at her, but leave the restaurant anyway. Taylor hides a proud smile. Ryan takes no notice.
"He looks tired," Taylor tells Seth. She's sitting on the counter of the comic book store, he on a chair behind it, reading.
"Well, he works every day and he runs every morning. Guy gets a lot of exercise." Seth takes a sip from his coke, eyes never leaving the page. Taylor sighs and rips the comic from his hands. "What! Taylor…"
"I mean tired in a whole other sense, Seth. He looks lost."
Seth sighs, giving up on getting his comic book back. "Summer has the same look."
"Marissa." The statement makes both of them tense up.
"I mean, I miss her too," Seth begins, "but not like they do. Summer lost her best friend and Ryan lost…"
"The love of his life?" Taylor says, throat tightening.
"The girl he tried to save for three years," Seth finishes. "Three years he tried to protect her. Three years he watched her make a mess of her life, then come running to him for help when it got too bad. Marissa was an amazing girl, don't get me wrong. She was just a little… messed up. Truthfully? I'm surprised she lasted as long as she did. She tried way too hard to kill herself, even if it wasn't always intentional."
"You think it's because of Ryan?" Taylor questions.
"I know it was. He saved her all the time. Tijuana… you weren't there, but it was bad." She nods; she's heard this story. "I think Ryan's problem now – even more than the fact that he lost the girl he loved – is the fact that she died on his watch. The guy has a guilt complex like no one I've ever met before."
Taylor leans forward, "tell me more about him." She almost regrets saying it, but then she remembers that Seth is just as infatuated with Ryan Atwood as she is, just – hopefully – for different reasons.
Ryan enters the comic book store to pick up Seth. What he finds is his brother sitting behind the checkout counter and Taylor Townsend sitting on it, both laughing hysterically.
"Journey?" she manages to gasp out and the two break down into harder laughs. When they notice him at the door, they stop. Seth, who had been leaning back in his chair, falls backward onto the floor in surprise.
"Ryan, man. You're early," Seth tries to recover smoothly, but it doesn't really work.
"No, I'm not," Ryan points to the clock.
"Oh, I guess we lost track of time…" Seth starts lamely.
"What were you talking about?" Ryan's too tired to sound suspicious.
"Anime!" Taylor speaks for the first time. She grins, jumps lightly off the counter, and skips up to him. "Fascinating conversation, actually. Seth was just telling me about the latest imports…"
Ryan holds up his hand, stopping her mid-sentence. He doesn't really care. He also misses the grateful look Seth shoots Taylor. "Are you ready to go home?"
Ryan stares down at his bed. It sits there, all crisp white sheets and horrifying nightmares. He sits on the chair in his room and stares at the bed, waiting for it to open its maw and swallow him whole.
Cycle 2
Ryan runs. All he can hear is the beating of his heart and the pounding of his feet against the pavement. All he can see is black; objects appear as if from nowhere, and he has to dodge them at the last minute. Ryan doesn't usually scare easily.
He is terrified.
The worst part is that he knows he's dreaming; he knows what's coming. All he wants to do is wake up, or not head for the road, or turn around and face the person hunting him. A wall comes out of nowhere and his shoulder hits it. He goes down, bruising his knees and taking a layer of skin off his hands.
Every single night.
He tries to turn in another direction. He tries to just stop running altogether, but he can't. He gets to the road, leaning on his knees to catch his breath. He looks up and… what is that? A flash of light; movement on the other side of the road. A person? He turns around and sees the bright lights of the car right before it hits him.
Ryan wakes, heart in his throat. He just wants the dreams to stop. And knowing that they're caused by guilt doesn't make any difference. It's great and all - knowing the root of his problems.
It's a whole other thing to be able to stop feeling it.
She breezes into his work again, just like yesterday, just like every day. He almost begins to panic if she's ever late. The routine of: morning run, work, Taylor's visit, going home with Seth, dinner with the Cohens, repeat, is comforting.
So when she comes in today, all smiles and sunshine, he already has her lemonade waiting. She smiles at him thankfully and tries to pay, just like she did yesterday, just like she does every day. As always, he refuses her money. He doesn't tell her that he gets two free drinks a day as part of his job. He just watches as she drinks it down, smiling. It makes him feel better to help someone, even if it's just staying cool on a hot day.
'"You ok?" They're in the car on the way home from work. Seth's in the passenger seat and staring at him.
"Yeah, I'm fine. Just a little tired from work." Ryan keeps his eyes on the road.
"No, I mean in a general sense. It's been about six months since…" Seth stops talking when he sees Ryan tense up.
Ryan waits for sleep to overcome him. He knows it will eventually, pulling him down into the darkness of that dream and the hopelessness of it all. He shifts after a while, surprised he isn't out yet. Something's making him restless. He keeps flashing back to last night's dream. To that person on the other side of the road, the golden flash of light.
Cycle 3
Ryan runs. All he can hear is the beating of his heart and the pounding of his feet against the pavement. All he can see is black; objects appear as if from nowhere, and he has to dodge them at the last minute. Ryan doesn't usually scare easily.
He is terrified.
This is getting annoying, Ryan thinks as he runs. He hits a wall, going down, bruising his knees, ripping a layer of skin off his hands. It hurts just as badly no matter how many times it happens. He gets up and runs - away from the noise behind him.
When he gets to the road, he almost forgets about the other person. Not the one following him – he can never forget about that – but the person on the other side of the street. At least he almost forgets until he sees it again. A flash of light, a movement. This time there's something else: a light, tinkling laugh and the acidic smell of lemon. He hears a noise and turns to look over his shoulder. He wants to know what's on the other side, he thinks, before the blinding lights overtake his vision and the car slams into him.
Ryan wakes, frustrated and tired. He wants to know what's going on, what's changing. For six months his dream has been the exact same every single time. These past two nights scare him a little. He wants to know what his subconscious is trying to tell him. That's the scary part: that he has feelings that he doesn't really know about.
Taylor finds her lemonade already waiting for her, cool drops of condensation running toward the wood of the bar. She smiles at Ryan, who nods at her, then sits down to her drink. She really wants to add something stronger to these drinks. It would make the visits easier. She should just stop coming all together – stop torturing herself – but she can't do it. She can't not see Ryan.
She sighs and glares at a woman who's eying him down. The woman sneers at her, then walks up to Ryan and Taylor's mouth pops open in an indignant 'o'. The woman gives her a condescending smile before turning her focus on Ryan. The woman runs her hand down his arm, smiling flirtatiously. Taylor doesn't know what to do. Should she stop it? Will Ryan be angry if she does?
She's saved from making a decision by Ryan. He pushes the woman's hand away, politely turning her down. Taylor shoots the woman a self-satisfied smile and turns back to the bar to sip her drink. Suddenly, just lemonade is fine with her.
"Do you miss her?" Seth asks. He looks out the window, trying to hide from Ryan's glare.
"Yeah." Ryan's heart gives a slight pain, but it's only slight. He's noticed that it's been getting better. It's a slow process, but one that he needs. He knows that she wouldn't want him feeling like this over her for the rest of his life. It's just hard. He was supposed to save her…
He lies down on the bed in determination. He wants to see who's on the other side of the road.
No.
He doesn't just want to know. He needs to know. It seems vitally important all of the sudden to know. He closes his eyes, sure that he will fall asleep quickly.
He does.
Cycle 4
Ryan runs. All he can hear is the beating of his heart and the pounding of his feet against the pavement. All he can see is black; objects appear as if from nowhere, and he has to dodge them at the last minute. Ryan doesn't usually scare easily.
He is terrified.
He waits for the inevitable run in with the wall. There it is. He goes down, bruising his knees and scraping a layer of skin off his hands. He gets up and runs - really runs - toward the road. He needs to get there long before the car.
He stops on the road to catch his breath. There it is: the flash of light, small laugh, smell of lemon. And there's something else: a quiet voice. It calls to him.
"Ryan…"
He takes a desperate step toward to voice.
"Ryan, you've gets to stop this…"
He takes another step. He just needs to get off the road, before the light overwhelms him. He turns his head just in time for the car to hit him.
Ryan wakes, wanting to scream in frustration. Whose voice was that? For a split second he thinks… no. It isn't Marissa. But it is female. Kirsten? No, the voice is too young, too new to his ears for it to be her. He sighs, getting out of bed and throwing on some clothes. A run before work will clear his head.
"Ryan!"
Ryan spins around, dropping the tray of dishes. Luckily it only drops a few inches, not breaking anything. That voice… is he dreaming again?
Taylor smiles at him, and takes the waiting drink off the bar. He stares at her. It's Taylor's voice calling to him? That doesn't make any sense. She doesn't seem to notice his odd behavior; she just does like she always does.
He listens to her giggle at his silence, sees her sip her lemonade, watches as her hair glints in the sunlight. He wonders how he hasn't put it all together before this. But why Taylor?
She turns to him and smiles again.
After some deliberation, he decides to talk to Seth.
"Taylor?" Seth is incredulous. Ryan nods. "Taylor Townsend?" he asks again, as if they know some other Taylor.
"Look, could you just stop being judgmental for a few minutes and actually help me?" Ryan buries his face in his hands. They're sitting in the pool house, Ryan on the bed and Seth on the floor.
"Fine. Ok, so you're having a dream where you're all doom and gloom and guilt for Marissa. Then for the past three nights, Taylor has been showing up and trying to get you off the road where you…"
"Die every night," Ryan finishes, knowing it sounds awful.
"Uh huh. Anyway. Well, I think it's obvious that Taylor… comforts you." Ryan shoots him a confused look. "Well," Seth explains, "your dream is all about anxiety and guilt. Maybe you find Taylor… Taylor Townsend… soothing." Seth looks puzzled by the oxymoron… soothing Taylor Townsend.
Ryan just looks meditative. He nods after a while. "Yeah, thanks."
"You wanna explain?" Seth goads, wanting to know what's going on in Ryan's head.
"Well, she comes by my work every day around one. It's kind of a… routine. I don't know. She's just always smiling… and… I don't know." Ryan sighs, dropping back onto his bed.
"Oh God, you like Taylor Townsend!" Seth jumps up, holding his hands out in front of him, as if to hold off an impending attack.
"Do you have to say her full name every time?"
"Yes. Because she's freaking Taylor Townsend. Remember her? The girl who got you kicked out of Harbor, and had that weird crush on me?" Seth starts pacing.
"She's not really like that anymore," Ryan says, sitting up again. "She's trying to be a better person, and even she admits her crush on you was weird. You like her now too, I saw you two talking," Ryan looks at him accusingly.
"Well… I…"
"Hypocrite," Ryan mutters, falling back again.
Cycle 5
Ryan runs. All he can hear is the beating of his heart and the pounding of his feet against the pavement. All he can see is black; objects appear as if from nowhere, and he has to dodge them at the last minute. Ryan doesn't usually scare easily.
He is terrified.
Wall. Down. Bruised knees, skinned hands. Up. Run. Road. Pause for breath.
There she is, standing on the other side of the road. He sees her with perfect clarity now. She's bright against the dark night and she's calling for him.
"Ryan, you have to stop doing this…"
He forces his legs to walk, taking agonizingly slow steps toward her. He can hear the car, but he's almost to her. Almost out of the way.
"Ryan? Ryan wake up." He takes another step. "Ryan, wake up!"
Ryan wakes, confused. The car hasn't hit him, but he hasn't reached the other side either. What woke him?
"Ryan, are you awake?" It's then that Ryan notices her. She's sitting on the edge of his bed, shaking him by the shoulder.
"Taylor? What are you doing here?"
"The Cohens were worried. You didn't wake up," she explains, looking slightly worried. He looks at the clock. It is an hour past his normal wake up time. Did he really spend an hour in his dream trying to reach her?
"I'm fine. Just tired."
She nods, the worried look not leaving her face. "I guess we should have let you sleep longer, but Kirsten was pacing and drinking so much coffee Sandy thought she was going to kill herself…"
Ryan sits up, effectively pushing Taylor's hand off his shoulder. "It's ok. I should be up by now anyway." He gets off the bed, grabbing some clothes and heading toward the bathroom.
"Oh. Ok." Taylor sounds worried still, but he ignores it. Everyone sounds worried when they talk to him, like he's breakable. "I'll just go tell Kirsten that you're fine." She gets up to leave, and he nods in her general direction before closing the bathroom door. She sighs, and heads back into the main house.
There's no lemonade waiting when she gets there. She's confused at first, but decides to just confront Ryan instead of standing around, hurt.
"No drink today?" she asks, trying to sound happy instead of bothered.
"My boss told me I wasn't allowed to give out free drinks anymore," Ryan lies.
"Oh, that's ok. I'll just pay then…"
Ryan sighs. This is going to be harder than he thought. "Look, maybe you just shouldn't come here anymore. I mean, I should really focus on work." He turns from her, wiping down a table so he doesn't have to see that look on her face.
"Oh. Sure, that makes sense," he can hear the hurt in her voice and he can hear her turn and walk away. He sighs. It will be better for her if she just stays away.
"Really?" Seth sounds just as confused as she is. "He just told you to get lost?"
"Not in those exact words, but yes, that's the general idea," Taylor says, distraught.
"Well…" Seth tries to find a nice way of putting this, "do you really care all that much? I mean, besides free drinks, were you and Ryan even that great of friends?" He winces when tears rush to her eyes.
"No, I guess we weren't."
Before he can reply, she's up and walking out the door, making the bell attached to it ring. Seth sits, contemplating this.
"So Taylor seemed kind of upset today," Seth glances sideways at Ryan. Streets and signs whiz by as they speed down the road. Ryan says nothing. "I mean, she told me you told her to go away," he's hopeful that this will cause a reaction. It doesn't. "But it's weird, see, because you were saying yesterday that you didn't mind her. In fact, I'm pretty sure you called me a hypocrite about denying that I like her."
"I don't like her."
"Um, hi, kettle? This is pot: you're black," Seth shoots back sarcastically.
"Look, it's just better if she doesn't come around me. These things never end well."
Seth sighs, knowing a lost cause when he sees it.
Cycle 6
Ryan runs. All he can hear is the beating of his heart and the pounding of his feet against the pavement. All he can see is black; objects appear as if from nowhere, and he has to dodge them at the last minute. Ryan doesn't usually scare easily.
He is terrified.
He has no idea where he is. All he knows is that someone is chasing him and he has to get away. A wall comes out of nowhere, and his shoulder hits it. He goes down hard, bruising his knees and tearing a layer of skin off his hands. He gets up and continues running, hearing the sound of shoes on concrete behind him.
Then he's out; out of wherever he has been and into the open night. He runs for the street, hoping someone will be able to help him. When he reaches the black expanse of road, he stops. His hands go to his knees and he gasps for breath. He has to get away. The last thing he sees when he looks up are the bright lights of the car as it hits him.
Ryan wakes, feeling terrible. The dream is back to normal. There's no bright lights, no Taylor. There's nothing to force him out of the way of the car. There's nothing to save him anymore.
She doesn't come in. She stays away, just liked he asked.
He sinks further into his misery.
Seth says nothing on the way home. It's as if he's afraid Ryan will do something bad if he presses the issue.
They sit in horrifying silence as shadows envelope the car.
Cycle 7
Ryan runs. All he can hear is the beating of his heart and the pounding of his feet against the pavement. All he can see is black; objects appear as if from nowhere, and he has to dodge them at the last minute. Ryan doesn't usually scare easily.
He is terrified.
The footsteps behind him are louder than he remembers. Is his pursuer closer? Ryan tries to run faster to the road, just wanting to get hit so he can wake up. He hits a wall and goes down, bruising his knees and taking a layer of skin off his palms. He gets up to run again.
But he finds that he can't move his legs. He can't find any way to even get toward the road. The night turns blacker and he wonders how that's possible. The footsteps are getting closer and he turns to face them. It's now or never.
He can barely make the figure out from the shadows. It's dressed in all black and Ryan immediately flashes to the grim reaper. No, the figure is too short and bulky to be death. He wants to speak, but realizes he can't. The figure lifts it's hands to the hood of it's sweatshirt.
It's like looking into a mirror.
Ryan wakes and wants to die. His dreams are just so funny, so witty and sarcastic. How nice of them to be dramatic for him. The person chasing him is himself. Wonderful. That solves all of his problems.
She doesn't come again and he's not sure why he was hoping she would. He's chased her away for good. Why would she come back?
His manager asks him where the pretty girl went.
Seth gets a ride with Summer today. Ryan drives home alone and contemplates just swerving off the road.
Cycle 8
Ryan runs. All he can hear is the beating of his heart and the pounding of his feet against the pavement. All he can see is black; objects appear as if from nowhere, and he has to dodge them at the last minute. Ryan doesn't usually scare easily.
He is terrified.
He hits the wall and goes down hard, bruising his knees and scraping a layer of skin off his hands. He turns to look behind him and can see the other Ryan standing there. He gets up, hesitating. Should he run or should he face himself?
He runs.
Suddenly he's out and the road is drawing ever nearer. He begins to regret his decision, because she's standing there. She hadn't been in his dreams for the past two nights. Why was she here? And why was she in the middle of the road, instead of the other side?
For some reason his feet stop moving. He hasn't reached the road yet, but he can't even lift his foot from the ground. If he can't get to the street, he can't get hit. She's looking at him and he can't look away. He knows what's going to happen, but he can't move.
Her eyes never leave his, even when the bright lights of the car envelop her. He manages to close his eyes, but he can't shut out the sound of the impact.
Ryan wakes, numb. His dreams were getting worse. And what was with the car hitting her? He's sure it's some kind of symbolism, but he never really liked interpreting things.
He goes to find her.
She's at the comic book store and one glare from him sends Seth running to the back room.
"Hey, Ryan," she says, trying not to look upset.
"Do you want a drink?"
The ride home is quiet, but Seth is smiling.
Cycle 9
Ryan runs. All he can hear is the beating of his heart and the pounding of his feet against the pavement. All he can see is black; objects appear as if from nowhere, and he has to dodge them at the last minute. Ryan doesn't usually scare easily.
He is terrified.
Multiple parts of his body flare with pain: his shoulder from the wall, his knees and hands from the floor. He gets up and runs, reaching the black expanse of the road. She's on the other side, waiting for him.
"Ryan, you've got to stop doing this," she tells him, her voice like the wind.
"I know." It's the first time he's spoken in his dreams. It's been six months and it's the first time he's said one word.
She smiles at him and he walks to the other side of the road. They both turn to watch as the car hurtles past them and Ryan can see it's himself in the driver's seat. He turns back to her and she smiles up at him, shining brightly.
Ryan wakes, feeling rested. It's an hour before he normally gets up, but he doesn't feel tired in the least. He gets up; today would be good for a jog.
She sweeps into the restaurant and brings a breath of fresh air with her. She grins at him when she sees the lemonade waiting for her. He tries to smile back, but fails. She notices, though and looks grateful for the effort. It will have to do.
She downs the drink like she normally does, not wanting to waste his time. He asks his manager for a break and it's granted to him.
She's surprised when he sits down next to her with his own drink.
Seth gets a ride home with Summer that night, because Ryan's watching a movie with Taylor. At the end, she kisses him and he feels tired.
He walks in the door and looks at his bed. It's warm and inviting and he falls into it and sleeps. For the first time in six and a half months, he doesn't dream.
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