"Congratulations. You've officially begun to waste your time."

"Hey, Mandy."

"Yeah, Grim?"

Mandy and Grim sat on the couch at Billy's home, as usual, watching television: a rerun of Grim's favorite show which the narrator is too lazy to be arsed to look up the name of. Grim wasn't paying attention to much outside of the hot vampiress, and Mandy wasn't paying attention to much outside of the bloody, explosive deaths. "Oh, that was a good one."

"Ugh," Grim groaned, "I always hate it when she goes for the spleen. Anyway, like I was saying...Hey, Mandy."

She calmly punched him in the face. "Get to the point."

Grim scowled as best he could with a fist in his face, and rearranged his skull. "You know how our episodes often end with something really crazy? Like that time you became the size of the universe?"

"Yeah. That was pretty boring, actually."

"Or that time that Billy had that massive rash because of the magic bubblegum?"

A smirk tugged at Mandy's lips. Oh, she remembered. "And?"

"Well, things are always back to normal by the next episode, right?"

"Right."

"Well, Mandy, I don't know if you've noticed...but Billy is still a crab."

At the mention of his name, Billy, who was indeed currently a red crab with an extraordinarily large nose, came skittering sideways into the room. "I LIKE PIE!" he announced to no one in particular.

Mandy regarded her dimwitted companion. "Sure it's not an improvement?"

"Well, I don't know," Grim said with a frown. "It certainly hasn't made him any quieter."

"PIE! I LIKE PIE! PIE PIE PIE PIE PI PI PI THREE POINT ONE FOUR ONE FIVE NINE!"

Mandy looked at Grim. "You know, a pot of water and some butter would fix that."

"I'll get the water boiling~" Grim declared, getting up off the couch and moving in the direction of the kitchen.

Or so he thought. Billy's mom stood in the doorway, glaring daggers at Grim. "Mr. Reaper," she said in as firm a tone as one could manage with the Grim Reaper, "if that is your idea of a joke I do not appreciate it. The very idea that you would try and EAT my son is-"

"It's hardly a joke," Grim replied, nonplussed. "I'm sure there's plenty to go around. His nose alone would probably feed half of Endsville."

"It's not like we haven't eaten him before," Mandy chimed in.

"Mandy! I would expect a girl of your age and intelligence to not encourage such behavior out of the Grim Reaper. Mr. Reaper!" she addressed him next. "You have made many a sick, twisted, demented comment in your presence under my roof, but no more! This time, I-" Billy's mom, who was still under the impression that her son was still a human like he was around 90% of the time, finally laid eyes on the crab in the middle of her living room, who was busy making bubbles with his snot. "Oh! What a horrid thing! What kind of monster have you dragged into my house ithis/i time, Mr. Reaper!"

"Hi, mom," Billy said with the cheer of one who is perpetually ignorant of his situation, waving a claw. "Do we gots some pie?"

"Billy?" Billy's mom reeled, kneeling on the floor next to the crab Billy. "Oh, my poor little baby boy! What's happened to you?"

"It's a long story, actually," Grim began. "You see, we ran into this alien cult, and-"

"Not another word out of you, Mr. Reaper! I naturally expect you will undo your foul curse and return my son to normal at once!"

"Well, that's the thing, uh, Billy's mom." Grim said, holding up his bony hands. "You see, after the Bandersnatch got involved-"

"Hi, honey!" Billy's dad burst into the scene just then, scratching at his belly, a piece of toilet paper trailing on his shoe. As usual, Billy's dad was in a dignified, professional, clean state. "Have you got the number to that plumber? You might want to call him again. The log needs a bit of trimming if you know what I mean!"

"Harold!" Billy's mom shrieked. "Look at what they've done to your son!" She held Billy the crab up for his dad to inspect.

"Hi, son!" Billy's dad greeted. "Looking good as always!"

"Harold! Your SON is a CRAB!"

"Nonsense, he's perfectly cheery as always. A regular chip off the old block, right son?"

"Dad, do we gots pie?" Billy wanted to know.

"Well, I don't know," Billy's dad replied. "Let's go find out!" With that, the pair wandered into the kitchen.

"Harold!"

Mandy watched the pair of dimwits leave before looking at Grim. "Watching Billy's family is almost as entertaining as the television."

"I rate them above an infomercial, but not as good as anything with actual content. Not that there's much of that on nowadays," Grim grumbled. "When are they going to offer me that reality television contract? It's not real if there's no death! And I am the one who deals in death, after all!"

"Grim? When they say reality, they don't mean it." Mandy hopped off the couch, going to the kitchen door with Grim. Billy the crab and his dad were busy tearing apart the kitchen looking for the elusive pie while Billy's mom shrieked at the pair of them about how they didn't UNDERSTAND and how that MONSTER was making a MOCKERY of her LIFE and how she never expected her marriage to end up like this and all she wanted was a normal family but ever since the Grim Reaper had shown up things had been RUINED. ("Hey," Grim protested, "I'm sure I'm not responsible for all of this.")

"So why do you think Billy's still a crab?" Mandy commented to Grim.

"I don't know. If we've started a new episode, he should be back to normal. We don't do two-parters." He shrugged. "Maybe it has to do with the fact that this is a fanfiction."

"They got me in a fanfiction?" Mandy groaned, putting a hand to her face. "I thought we were done with those after that comic fiasco. Hey, you losers!" she directed to the audience. "Go read a real book."

"Stop that. The author is desperate for kudos, so don't go scaring the audience off." Grim shook his head. "Either way, we won't know standing around here."

"So what do you suggest?"

"We ask the person who knows everything there is to know, of course."

"Which would be...?"

"My grandmama," Grim said with delight. "Oh, this will be delightful. I don't think we've spoken since last season. Let's go get a bottle for the message and find a toilet. Preferably one that he hasn't used," Grim added with a gesture at Billy's dad.

"Ooh, where are we going?" Billy wanted to know, skittering over to his two friends. "Are we going to find pie?"

"Maybe, if you're quiet for a little wh-"

"PIE," Billy interrupted, "PIE PIE PIE TWO FIVE NINE TWO SIX FIVE THREE NINE"

Grim made a face as Billy continued to recite decimal places in the background. "On second thought, let's just go visit Grandmama directly. It'll be quicker and the long distance charges aren't as bad."

"Sure. Things were getting boring here, anyway."

Grim pulled his scythe out of his robe, cutting open a vortex in space and time. "After you," he said politely to Mandy. She moved to go in, but Billy skittered in first. Through the hole there was the sound of a crack of thunder and Billy's scream. "Oops," Grim commented. "I forgot about Grandmama's anti-hole in space and time security system."

"Your grandmother has a security system for that?"

"Well, let's just say it's a long story. At least it saves us the pot of water." Grim moved through, followed by Mandy.

The area they stepped out into was hot and humid, as was to be expected from a Jamaica beach house. In the kitchen, Grim's grandmother was sharpening a knife over a shrieking Billy. "Grandson!" she greeted merrily, dropping the knife into the counter point first, millimeters away from Billy's nose. "I haven't seen you since last season! Come give your grandmama a hug~"

"Grandmama!" he greeted in return, embracing her. "How have you been?"

"Oh, the same as the last time I was on screen, I suppose," she said, waving one hand. "I love the present, by the way." She gestured to the terrified crab Billy on her counter.

"Actually, I suppose we'd better keep that one," Grim said with a sigh. "Though he would make a good dinner...He's the reason we're here, actually."

"Oh? Why's that, grandson? Not enough meat on him? We can change that, you know."

"Actually, the whole crab thing started last episode. You see, Billy stumbled across an ancient idol of this alien cult, and-"

"Ah, say no more, I understand completely," Grim's grandmother cut him off. "So what's the problem? He should be fine by next episode."

"That's the thing, Grandmama... It IS the next episode. And Billy's still a crab."

She turned back to him, regarding Billy as he proceeded to poke the various contents of her counter with a claw. "There are worse forms to be stuck in, I suppose."

"It's not really that he's stuck... It's more that, what if other things get stuck as well?"

"Well, I suppose I could take a look at him," Grim's grandmother said slowly. "In the meantime, how about you do something for your old grandmama?"

"Sure, grandmama! Anything for you!"

"You had to say anything, didn't you?"

Grim scowled down into the toilet, then at the plunger in his hand. "What is wrong with toilets in this world? Can't anyone do their business somewhere without things getting backed up on them? And you call yourselves civilized."

"Just get to work," Mandy told him. "It's starting to smell in here."

Grim growled something under his breath as he began to plunge the toilet. Several minutes later, the toilet was still as unswirly as before. "Dang nabbit!" Grim shouted, tossing the plunger out the window and hitting a cat with it. "That's it, I'm doing this my way."

"Uh, Grim," Mandy began. "I don't think that's a good id-"

With a flashy background of hellfire, Grim drew forth his scythe, aiming it at the toilet. Pointing it down into the bowl with an evil laugh, he let loose.

The house proceeded to explode.

"GRIM!" came a cry from the beach, where Grim's grandmother had been thrown, feet sticking out of the sand and arms trying to reattach them to her torso. "Haven't I warned you about that toilet before?"

"Oh, I forgot," Grim realized suddenly. "That toilet's got a space/time portal in it. That would explain it!"

Mandy wiped soot off her face and gave him a withering look. "Who unplugs a toilet with the scythe of the Grim Reaper, anyway?"

"Well, the Grim Reaper does, obviously," Grim said with a snort.

"Grimmy!" Grim's grandmother shouted at him. "If you've blown up my house and it's the next episode already, where am I going to live? You terrible grandchild, driving your own grandmama out of house and home!"

"Now, now, Grandmama," Grim said. "I'm sure you could stay with Billy's family for a little while. They'd love to have you and your cooking."

"Well, I could use a little vacation," she mused. "It's gotten awfully hot here lately."

"Are you trying to kill Billy's mom?" Mandy whispered to Grim.

"Well, I am behind on my quotas," he admitted. "Grandmama, do you know what might be causing things to stay the same? Why are there actual consequences to our actions?"

She thought about it. "If I had to hazard a guess, I'd say something's happened to your plot device."

"Our plot device?" Grim and Mandy echoed.

"Yes. You see," and she pulled a diagram out of her robe to demonstrate, "the town of Endsville and beyond, in this definition of reality, operate on the Rule of Funny. If it's funny, it happens. If it's not, it doesn't happen. The plot device is the thing that keeps it all staying funny smoothly. A plot device controls the plot holes that inevitably happen due to the Rule of Funny."

"I didn't know there were rules," Billy mused. "Let's break 'em! We're rebels!"

"You want me to let her at you with the knives again?" Grim said to him.

"Where can we find this plot device?" Mandy directed at Grim's grandmother.

She shrugged. "Normally, you can't, I would imagine. That's about as much help as I can give you. We need to make this last for a whole story, after all. Now, I'm off for my vacation! I think I'll start with a bubble bath." She opened a hole in time and space and skipped through cheerfully, one foot following behind the rest of her.

"Somehow, I'm a little sorry I won't be there to see her arrival," Grim commented.

"Do you know anything about this plot device?" Mandy asked.

"No. That's the first I've heard of it."

"Hey," Billy complained loudly. "There's no pie here."

Mandy and Grim looked at each other. "Well, if I was a plot device, where would I hide?" Grim asked.

Mandy's eyes lit up. "I may not know where a plot device hides...but I know who might stand to benefit from all this."

"Benefit? Who could possibly benefit from all this? It'll cause chaos!" Grim threw his hands in the air to emphasize his point.

"Exactly."

A look of understanding dawned on Grim's face. "Eris!"

Mandy nodded. "I think it's time we paid our good friend, the goddess of Chaos, a visit."

"Can do," Grim said, pulling out his scythe again and making a hole. This time, instead of entering it, he pulled out a phone.

"You're giving her a call?" Mandy asked in disbelief.

"Well, it's only the polite thing to do."

Mandy shook her head as Grim dialed a number, waiting patiently. "Thank you for calling the Goddess Hotline," the phone said in a pleasant tone. "This call may be recorded or monitored for quality purposes. Please listen carefully, as our menu options have changed. To inquire about divine openings, please press 1."

"Tempting, but no," Mandy said.

"For our general polytheistic hotline, please press 2."

"What's a polytheistic hotline? Is that like when you marry a bunch of people?" Billy wanted to know.

"To continue in Japanese, sanban wo hite kudasai."

"What is this, a crappy anime fanfic?" Mandy complained.

"To speak directly to a hot, single goddess who wants to talk to you, please press 4."

"Their methods make me wonder," Grim said as he pressed the button.

"Thank you for calling the Goddess Hotline," the voice continued in a decidedly more sultry tone. "If you'd like to speak to Aphrodite, as I'm sure you do, please press 1. If married women are your thing, you definitely want Hera. Please press 2. If smart chicks are a real turn-on for you, please press 3 for Athena. And if you want to talk to the naughtiest, most wild babe on the Goddess Hotline, that queen among queens, Eris, then don't press a number at all, but twirl in a circle while wearing a wombat and shouting, 'Baka baka kawaii kawaii neko sugoi desu!'"

The three of them looked at each other. "That sounds like the sort of thing she'd do, admittedly," Grim said.

"Well, go ahead," Mandy said. "Have you got a wombat?"

Grim shrugged, then looked through his pockets. He pulled out a few loose bills, some business cards, a peach, a pie, a kitchen sink, a guy named Humphrey who began eating the peach, an elephant, a small galaxy, and John McCain before finally emerging with a wombat, holding it aloft like a trophy. "Isn't that convenient?"

"PIE," Billy shouted immediately, jumping into the dessert and covering himself with fruit filling.

"Why do you have John McCain in your pockets?" Mandy asked, watching the politician wander straight into the still-open space-time portal.

"In case I need to fill my quota in a hurry." Placing the wombat on his head, Grim began to turn around in a circle. "Baka baka kawaii neko sugoi desu?"

"You missed a kawaii," the voice on the phone said.

"Oh, sorry," Grim said, starting over. "Baka baka-hey, wait, I know that voice. Eris!"

A sigh. "I never have any fun with you."

"Why are you having your callers shout in Japanese?" Mandy wanted to know.

"You'd be surprised what you can do with some teenaged girls," Eris commented. "Especially when you offer them two men in compromising positions~"

"That was more than I needed to know," Grim said with a shake of his head.

"Anyway, can you make it snappy?" the goddess of chaos continued. "I sort of have a crisis on my hands and I really need to get going."

"A crisis? What's the matter?"

"Oh, everything," she said with another sigh. "For one, my golden apple, my symbol of chaos itself and the root of my power..."

"Has it been stolen or something?" Grim asked anxiously.

"It's a peach."

Grim blinked. "I beg your pardon?"

"A peach!" she shrieked into the phone. "How can I make public appearances without my golden apple? 'Here I am, goddess of chaos, with my golden fuzzy butt'. A peach isn't even an attractive fruit! It's a hideous color and the fuzz gets everywhere, and really, a crack? So I'm a little stressed out right now. And if that wasn't bad enough, I've broken a nail!"

"Eris, listen," Grim said. "Our plot device has gone missing and we need to find it. This is just the sort of thing you'd do."

"You have no sensitivity!" Eris shrieked into the phone with enough force to knock his hood off. "With the way you treat a girl, no wonder you've never had a girlfriend!"

"Now that's hitting below the belt!" Grim shouted back. "My love life has nothing to do with this!"

"It has everything to do with anything, you bony freak! Leave me alone!" she screamed, hanging up the phone.

"Well, that went well," Mandy noted.

"Conversations with Eris always do, if you've noticed," Grim grumbled. "Someone needs to get that girl some lithium."

"Or an electroshock treatment. So now what, genius?" Mandy asked him.

"I think we need to see exactly what Eris is up to," Grim said, pulling out his scythe again. "Let's pay her a visit."

"You think she'll see us?" Mandy asked.

"I didn't say we'd ask," Grim pointed out. "Besides, she doesn't have an anti-hole in space and time security system." Grim sliced through the air, then picked up Billy the crab, still covered in pie bits, and tossed him through. On the other side was a crack of thunder and Billy's scream. "Oh," Grim said in mild surprise, "I guess I was wrong."

"You've done that a lot lately," Mandy pointed out as she followed him in.

"So sue me." Grim looked around at where they had emerged: the boardroom of Eris's cereal making factory. At least, he was pretty sure it was: the shrieking miniature pink elephants swarming over everything made it hard to tell. "Wow, when Eris said she had things on her mind, I guess she wasn't kidding," Grim commented, eyebrow ridges raising.

"You got that right!" Eris wailed from her corner of the boardroom. The gorgeous blonde goddess was standing on top of her desk, kicking at the elephants that tried to get close.

"Mommy, we love you!" the miniature pink elephants chorused in unison.

Mandy stared at the elephants. "This isn't another repeat of the Happy Huggy Stuffy Bear incident, is it?"

"Have you ever heard of the ancient taboo of the Squishyface race?" Eris asked her.

"No."

"Then you're better off not knowing." Eris kicked at another elephant. "I hope you've come to help me out, otherwise I really haven't got the time to talk."

Grim and Mandy exchanged glances. "Well, I am behind on my quota," Grim said slowly.

"You can't do that!" Billy the crab protested. "They're living creatures! They just want love and affection!"

"Actually, they're undead animated creatures who eat souls of obnoxious little boys," Eris told him. "Also, they're spiders in disguise. By the way, why are you a crab?"

Billy the crab looked at the miniature pink elephant that was trying to snuggle up with him. "SPIDER!" he shrieked, swatting it away with a claw. "GRIM KILL THEM ALL! I HATE SPIDERS!"

"Why, thank you for giving me permission," Grim said with a metaphorical roll of his eyes (since he couldn't roll them literally) and set to work slicing up the miniature pink elephants. Thankfully for the network censors and some sense of decency, Eris had apparently been telling the truth when she had said that the pink elephants were reanimated zombie constructions. The part about the spiders was a complete and total lie. "Well, then," Grim said, wiping his scythe clean of stuffing and decaying elephant-bits, "That was fun."

"So what exactly are you up to, Eris?" Mandy directed at the goddess. "Are you sure you weren't trying to have another Happy Huggy Stuffy Bears moment?"

"Do these look like Happy Huggy Stuffy Bears to you?" Eris shot back. "For your information, this was left over from the last episode. After the Bandersnatch opened the gates of Valhalla, well...remember that taboo I mentioned?"

"Pardon me when I say I don't believe you...but I don't," Mandy pressed. "This is just your style to have events continue after the end of an episode."

"I beg your pardon," the goddess huffed, "but it is most certainly NOT my style. Even I have standards, you know. And taste." She kicked at one of the beheaded elephants. "What's going on, anyway? I'd rather like my boardroom in the shape it's usually in."

"You mean you don't know?" Grim asked her suspiciously.

"Know about what?"

"About the plot device, of course!" Grim said with a wave of his arms. Mandy put a hand to her face.

"Oh, is THAT what it is?" Eris said with an air of innocent curiosity that was completely faked. "Why, thanks for letting me know, Grimmy-poo. Now all I have to do is find this 'plot device'," she made air quotes with her fingers, "and reshape it to my own brand of chaos. I suppose it'll do as a replacement for the apple. If it's attractive."

Speaking of the apple which was now a peach, it had avoided narration for a while. So had Billy. The time had come to change this, as Billy discovered the golden peach, went "Oooooo", and promptly ate it.

Promptly afterwards, he turned into a rabbit. A six foot blue rabbit with a bald patch. "You know, that wasn't as tasty as I thought it would be," he said, grabbing at one of his oversized ears.

"Of course it isn't," Eris said in exasperation, "it's a peach."

"What should we do with him now?" Grim asked. "Although, perhaps we should take him home and let his mom see him now..."

Mandy shook her head. "He'll eat too much like that. Can't you change him into something less obnoxious?"

"I LIKE PIE," Billy declared. "I THOUGHT I'D REMIND YOU IN CASE YOU FORGOT."

"You're right, he is obnoxious like that," Eris winced. "Not that he isn't normally. Oh, I have an idea!" She clapped her hands together, then pointed at Billy. From inside the rabbit's belly, the glowing shape of a peach became visible, and then Billy, who had started as a crab and was next a rabbit, was now a kitten.

"Now that's handy," Grim noted. "Think you can change him back?"

"That's too non-chaotic for my little apple, I'm afraid," she said. "But there are lots of other chaotic things we could try if you don't like kittens."

"Please do," Mandy said, "he's a hideous kitten." She wasn't kidding. Billy the kitten's nose was still huge, and he was now drooling on the carpet.

Eris "hmm"'d with a frown, then waved a hand again. Billy was now a giant robot. "Handy for crushing your enemies, right?"

"Handy for crushing your desk," Grim pointed out.

"Oh, drat, I forgot about that," Eris said, making a face. "Oh well, I was planning on having it replaced soon, anyway."

"01001001 01001100010010010100101101000101 00110011001011100011000100110100," Billy the robot declared cheerfully.

Eris considered again, and now Billy was a pony. "How about this?"

"Ugh," Mandy made a face, "now he smells even worse than before. Can't you think of anything better?"

"Well, I thought it was cute," Eris said with a shrug. "How about a sea slug?"

Zap. Billy was now a sea slug.

Grim shook his head. "Too difficult to transport around."

Billy made some blubbing sounds. "You could make him a toad," Grim suggested. "Toads are classic."

"See, Grim, this is why you have no taste," Eris said. "I suppose next you were going to suggest a rat?"

"...they're classic!"

"What about a very small rock?"

Now Billy was a very small rock, red in color. "We'd probably end up stubbing our toes on him," Grim pointed out.

"Then how about an ass?" And now Billy was a donkey.

Mandy shook her head. "It would never make it past the censors."

"Ha! Take that!" the author yelled in the general direction of Williams Street.

"Well, we'll just make him a unicorn," Eris suggested. "We'll put a horn on him."

"You can't make a unicorn out of an ass by putting a horn on him," Grim protested. "Everyone knows that's an assicorn."

"Hee-haw," Billy declared, which was most likely another iteration on his continual fondness for certain fruit-filled and baked desserts.

"Psh, just watch," Eris said, waving her hand. A trumpet appeared on Billy's head. It was followed by an obligatory rimshot and laugh track in the background.

"That's not a unicorn," Grim complained. "Now he's just a bad jazz player."

Mandy gave him a look. "You're not funny."

Eris considered again, scowling at Billy the assicorn, then snapped her fingers. Billy was now back to normal...well, mostly. His head was completely gone, but the rest of him seemed fine. "There," Eris said with pride. "I think you'll all agree it's a vast improvement."

"..." said Billy without a head, since he had no mouth. Failing this, he began to wave his arms frantically in patterns, hoping to get his point across.

"Why, Eris," Grim said, "I do believe that's the nicest thing you've ever done for me."

"You're right," she said after a moment, "we can't have that."

She waved a hand, and Billy was once again an assicorn, but this time with a voice. "I LIKE GRASS," he declared, then paused. "Wait, that's not quite right."

Grim scowled at Eris. "Well, toodle-oo, Grimmy boy," she said cheerfully, "I've got a plot device to find!" With that, she ducked into a hole in space and time that had not been there previously, closing it behind her.

"Should we go after her?" Mandy asked in a rhetorical tone.

"Eh," Grim said with a wave of his hand. "She'll have enough of a hard time finding her way out of that pit of rabid were-ducks."

"How do you know she's going to end up in a pit of rabid were-ducks?" Mandy wanted to know.

"Have you forgotten what my grandmama said?" Grim asked.

"It was a few thousand words ago," Billy said.

"Your attention span doesn't last for a few hundred," the reaper pointed out sourly.

"What were we talking about? I forgot."

Grim let out a sigh before turning to Mandy. "It's the Rule of Funny. It'll happen because it's funny."

"Will it be funny because Eris is getting what's coming to her, or because were-ducks are inherently funny?"

"Either suits my purpose. Come on, let's go home and plan our next move," Grim said. "Plus, we have to feed our new assicorn."

"I LIKE ALFALFA," Billy declared with a toot of the horn on his head. "No, that one's close, but not quite right. Hm..."

Somewhere, Eris emerged from the hole in space and time, only to find herself in a pit of rabid were-ducks. "Oh, bother," she sighed, "it had to be ducks again."