TITLE: You're Not Alone
CHARACTERS: Guide Spirit, Kalas
GENRE: Friendship, Hurt/Comfort
SPOILERS: Small, tiny, almost invisible (wow, I'm talking like Mizuti now...) spoilers for BK CD1 - Balancoire and CD2 - Kalas' Flashbacks
SUMMARY: My first (and probably last) attempt at an AUish fic. Younger Kalas is tormented by the other kids and finds an unexpected ally in the Shrine Of Spirits. Kalas' PoV.
DISCLAIMER: Not mine... And Kalas must be thankful, because for some reason I'm making him look much more whiny than he actually is. Sorry man!
AUTHORS NOTE: Speaking of Kalas - I know kids aren't supposed to talk like fatalist depressed adults. Just pretend sorrow and solitude brought along some bad consequences on his language, okay? Please?
"Look over there!"
Gramps told me a hundred time: it's not their fault.
"Hey, One-wing! What are you doing out here in the sun?"
"Yeah, I thought you demons didn't like sunlight. It makes you melt or something."
He said they're just kids - and kids can be so mean if they feel you're different.
"Guys, did you know that one of the founders of Balancoire was a monster hunter?"
"Really? How do you know that?"
So I try not to get mad at them, to forgive them. Or at least to ignore them.
"Mum told me. I'm sure he'd be disappointed if he knew his descendants let a one-winged monster live in his town!"
But it's not that easy.
"You're right... Let's slay the monster!" "Let's get him out of our town!"
I start running as fast as I can, the four of them pursuing me with wild cries. It's become a habit and their favorite game: "Chase The Monster." And lately it has started happening so often that whenever someone - Gramps, Trill, or just some curious passer-by - asks me how I feel, I just answer I'm fine, thank you, I'm used to it. And they believe me.
But of course it isn't true - it can't possibly be. I hate this, I hate them, but most of all I hate myself and my stupid missing wing. Why can't I be like the others? Why can't I be normal?
I groan in pain when something sharp and heavy hits me on the shoulder. They never threw rocks before; it must be a new rule. Tears start running down my cheeks, but I can't stop running - I couldn't stand the sight of their smug, cruel happiness if they actually managed to catch me. I need a place to hide in, somewhere safe where I'll be left alone... But where? I know they'd never run after me if I headed home, but I don't want to go there: I'm tired of hearing Gramps and Fee trying to comfort me. There would also be Trill's parents, but they're always so busy and I don't want to cause them any trouble. Besides, I can't keep being the one who always needs to be rescued. If I'm meant to be by myself forever, I'd better get used to it now.
So instead of turning left, toward home and annoying "it's-okay-to-have-one-wing" conversation, I decide to leave town. My pursuers don't seem to mind, anyway: they keep running after me through the fields, jumping joyfully in the tall grass, shouting and laughing. It's nothing but a game to them.
I'm getting tired, instead. I never play with them so I'm not as used to running for a long while as they are. Plus, they've got wings to help them - they're much stronger and faster than me. My head is pounding, my legs hurt, a sickening taste of blood is poisoning my mouth and every breath seems to be burning my lungs instead of bringing me air; it feels like I'm dying. I'm about to give up and let myself fall down when I see a dark light, not too far from where I am. I know what it is: Nekton, Shrine Of Spirits. I've been in there only once, partly because of the stories about terrible monsters from other dimensions living in it but mostly because it's such a dull place, dark and silent and lonely. This time it could help me, though: maybe the kids won't follow me in, and even if they do I'll have more chances of shaking them off in that gloomy labyrinth.
As soon as I get inside I notice that the place is so different from what I remembered. First of all it's much brighter: the light is pale and trembling, but I still can see for quite a long distance ahead of me. And then there's this feeling... Like someone, or something, is in there, even if I cannot see anyone. Whispers fill the air, giving me the creeps; maybe the legends about monsters weren't so foolish after all.
Too concerned about the mysterious sounds and whispers I forget to mind my path and when I finally realize I came to a dead end it's too late, the kids have already blocked my only way out.
End of the run - I'm trapped.
"Finally" one of them groans. "It was a tough one, wasn't it?"
His companions start collecting rocks from the ground. "Yeah, but we've got it now. Let's put an end to this!"
I close my eyes, the sound of their laughs so loud in my ears. I know it's just a game, they're not going to stone me to death or anything, but I still can't bear it. They're hurting and insulting me; they did it yesterday and will be doing the same tomorrow. And so on, and so on... All because I'm different. All because of my... deformity. I start crying loudly, as if all the pain, hate, sadness and loneliness I have inside were squeezing tears out of my heart. I'm tired of this! Why can't anyone stop this? I don't want to be alone!
No stone gets cast, though. I hear an amazed yell and open my eyes: the kids are all standing still, eyes wide open, almost paralyzed from terror. They're all looking at the weird purple glowing that surrounds me - and I can understand their astonishment, it's like a hundred petals of light were dancing around my head. As strange as it sounds, though, they don't scare me; I feel safe in their embrace. Without even knowing why, I open my arms and let the light overrun me... And just like that it disappears. Or maybe not, maybe it's actually inside me - I can feel it glowing warmly in my chest, like fireflies hugging my heart. I don't have much time to wonder about it, though, because I suddenly hear a female voice.
YOU... It's strong, cold, and definitely pissed off. For a moment I shiver, fearing it might be mad at me, but then I realize it's talking to the other kids. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? MERE MORTALS LIKE YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO CROSS THE THRESHOLD OF THE SHRINE OF SPIRITS! They're trembling, terrified at the mighty sound of the voice. One starts to cry. GO AWAY NOW, OR I SHALL BURN YOU ALIVE!
They flee in a second, too scared to say anything or do anything else than obey. My mind is screaming at me to follow them, to escape this doomed place and its frightening spirits, but I don't move. There's something in that voice that makes me want to stay, to find out more about it.
As soon as the last of the kids is out of sight she begins to laugh, a fresh, bright, beautiful laughter; I immediately fall for it. Oh, my... Her voice doesn't sound so scary anymore; instead, it gives me a warm feeling now. That was too much fun. You kids are gullible, aren't you? She turns torward me; I can't see anyone, but somehow I know she's there, right in front of me. I swallow nervously, suddenly afraid of being alone in her mysterious company. What could she want from me?
She must have spotted my unease in some way, because she quickly adds: Relax, I don't really burn people. I'm a spirit here, so I can't harm you more than you can harm me. She smiles at me - again, I can't see her but I'm sure she did. I felt it. Maybe it has something to do with the glowing I'm still feeling inside me. So, what was that all about? she asks.
"Oh... nothing" I murmur. I don't fancy talking about it to my family, let alone some unknown spirit.
She doesn't give up easily, though. Nothing? Please, they were throwing rocks at you!
"They weren't going to hurt me for real. It's just a game."
Right, a game. So that's why they were all after you... You lost the draw, didn't you? But if you're lucky, you'll be one of the chasers next time.
She knows it's nothing like that, of course. She's making fun of me, but I don't really mind - after all she's right, it wasn't a game at all. Not for me, at least. "Fine... They hate me. They keep mocking me, saying I'm a monster."
A monster? She laughs again. Maybe it's because she's a spirit, but she doesn't seem to be taking any of this seriously. Trust me, kid, I've seen monsters and they're nothing like you. They're not so whiny.
"Well, thank you" I reply ironically, my lips curving in an involuntary little smile. For some reason I can't get mad at her.
No problem. Anyway, why would they say that? No offence, but you look pretty average from here.
I sigh. Here it goes. "I only have one wing."
Really? That's way too cool! I'd never have expected this reaction. When people learn about my missing wing, they're either embarassed, disgusted or sorry. No one would even think of saying it's cool - but then again I'm talking to a spirit. And she's been teasing me up to now, so there are good chances she's just being sarcastic again.
"Are you serious?"
I'm dead serious. I've never heard of anything like that before.
"Yeah, well... I guess that's why they call me a monster."
Another laughter. Touché. But come on, everyone's got two wings! What's new about that? I think your solitary one is so much cooler.
"It's probably because you've never been mocked about it."
Hey, children are stupid. Their only way to bond is to team up against a common enemy. Don't blame yourself for their need to hate, if it wasn't your missing wing they'd make fun of something else.
"But it wouldn't be me!" I shout. "I'm tired of being alone, of being mocked, even of being pitied..."
So you think it'd be better if you were one of them? If you were one of the Double-Winged Perfect Beings that spend their freetime making life impossible for the kid who was born with just one wing?
"Well..." I know she won't like what I'm going to answer, but I don't feel like lying to her. Not about this. "Yes. I know it wouldn't be right, but I don't care... At least I wouldn't feel like this anymore."
I expected her to get mad, to yell that self-centered jerks like me don't deserve any help nor compassion; instead, she sighs. I'm sorry. I really am. Her voice is trembling with anger, but it's not directed at me. All of a sudden the warmth inside me starts blazing, and I realize she'd haunt and punish anyone who dares give me a hard time if she could. She's feeling my own hatred and solitude - not understanding it, not commiserating it, but feeling it, the same way I do. I've never felt this close to anyone, not even to Fee.
It lasts only a few seconds, though, because the fire seems to calm down as quickly as it rose and she adds, in a quieter tone: But believe me, your life is not going to be like this forever. I know that bunch of annoying knuckleheads is your whole universe now, but there's plenty of people in the world... And they're not all so blind. You won't be alone unless your anger makes you close the others outside.
I don't mean to sound harsh, not after she tried to comfort me like this. Still, she's making it a little too simple and that irritates me. "And what am I supposed to do in the meantime? Let them slay me? Go crazy?"
What about sucking it up and being a man? she asks, a ironic note in the voice. I know it's tough, but all bad things must pass sooner or later. And if you can't let it go you'll end up going crazy just like you said.
I look guiltily at the ground. "You're right... I just wish it was easier."
Me too, kid. Unfortunately being special is never easy.
I'm the one to laugh this time; a bitter, sarcastic laugh. "Special? What the hell are you talking about?"
If you spent less time pitying yourself and more time thinking you wouldn't ask such dumb questions. A pause. I'm a Guide Spirit, you idiot! she laughs. And you summoned me. Every heard of that? '... Only very special people can summon a Guide Spirit...' There it is: you're 'very special'.
"Hold on a second... You're my Guide Spirit now?" I'm stunned.
Not so fast... I just came to help you get rid of those insane little monkeys, she explains. I can't stay with you for long.
"I thought that a person and his Guide Spirit were supposed to be bounded forever" I argue.
She smiles. We are, kid. Only, it's too soon now for us to be together.
"Yeah, right. And when will the right time come?"
Hopefully for you, as late as possible.
"What do you mean?" I'm getting tired of her unclear words.
Today I felt you were hurting. I felt your loneliness and fear, and for some reason this forced me to come to you... to protect you. I needed to take care of you. For the first time I think I'm hearing a sad note in her voice. But maybe I'm just imagining it. Just until you needed my help, though. Now you're safe, so there's no point in me being there. But if you want me to stay... She sighs. You'll only be able to summon me in a moment of great pain and despair - much, much worse than what you felt today. And I wish you never ever feel that way.
I nod. "Okay... " Her words kinda scared me, but I don't want her to notice it. "I'll let you go then."
I'm not afraid of what the other kids will do to me without her to protect me; and I'm not disappointed in losing the only thing that for a moment made me feel special - not wrong anymore, but special; no, the truth is I'm just sad, because I know I'm going to miss her like hell. Weird, if you think we've only been talking for a few minutes. "So... What do I have to do?"
Just open your arms, I'll do the rest, she answers. But first... There's one more thing I have to ask you.
"What is it?"
She takes a deep breath. Just... promise me you'll hold on. Promise me you won't let anyone or anything mess up with your soul.
"I guess I can try."
I'll take it. I can feel her smile. Well, it's been fun. Call me if you have more bitter-end games trouble!
I smile too. "I will." I open my arms and let the light fly away - beautiful shining feathers that immediately go hiding in the depths of the Shrine Of Spirits, swallowed by the darkness.
"No way... One-winged Monster came out of his cave!"
"Where is your demon friend? Already back to Cor Hydrae?"
"Hey, why don't you go with her? We don't want monsters in our country!"
I smile to myself.
Kids can be so mean if they feel you're different - but maybe I don't care.