Disclaimer: i don't own anything. it'sa still Standing fan-fiction, and my first attenpt in comedy, so please, be nice with me! R&R, i live every kind of reviews!

It seems a Monday like any others, when Bill Miller, who is sitting on his sofa eating popcorns and watching a tape with an historical football game from several years ago, hears the sound of his doorbell; the first time, he doesn't anything, but then it rings again a second time, and then a third one, and, still, he remains on his old and comfortable sofa. When it rings for the fourth time, seeing that no one is going to answer, or maybe no one heard that, he does what it's most common for him….

"JUDY! BRIAN! Someone's at the door!" he shouts, while looking at a magnificent move form the players of his favourite team.

"There's just me at home, and I can't come! – his wife answers him, from the basement, that she is cleaning –'cause I'm doing what I asked you to do A COUPLE OF YEARS AGO!"

"But Judy – he replies, while the doorbell rings again – I'm sick, and I'm watching a football game…"

"You just told your boss that you are sick, and it's a tape what you are looking at, from five years ago!"

"I really can't leave this place!"

"Ok, but you'll have to come here to finish cleaning this mess!"

Few instants later, the same sound, again. Bill looks lost in front of him, trying to see what the lesser evil is, and he immediately takes his decision… "I'm arriving!" he shouts, this time in direction of his door. When he opens it, he sees in front of him a man, 45-50, small, bald, small and evil eyes with glasses, dressed with an old shirt and grey pants, jacket and tie.

"Mr….Bill Miller?" he asks him, showing an identity card.

"It depends. Who are you?"

"I'm Stanley Irks, let's say that I work for our dear uncle Sam, who is very disappointed."

"In this case, the Millers left the last year, they moved… in a seclusion convent, yes, a seclusion convent. We're the… Billers." As he tries to close the door, the man stops him, putting himself between the door and the entrance.

"And how did it happen that you didn't change your name on the doorbell, and that you still receive mail for them?"

"I didn't write Biller on the doorbell? – he looks in false shock at it under the annoyed eyes of the man – my God, I told my wife I did it, if she find out that I didn't, she will kill me!"

"Mr. Miller, can you please stop to play this ridiculous comedy? This isn't the first time someone is trying this game, I'm old enough to understand that you are Bill Miller, so, please, may I enter?"

The middle age man makes a smile of happiness and relief, when Bill makes him enter.

"Ok, I hope that you are happy now. Let's listen what Uncle Sam wants from me. – both men goes to sit on the old-fashioned sofa, not knowing that Judy just finished cleaning the basement, and now is in the kitchen, drinking a glass of water, and trying to understand what's going on in the other room, with her ears against the communication door. – he doesn't want to send me at war, right? 'cause he has to know that I have several metallic plaques in my right leg! It happened during the war!" he shows the leg and the evident marks of several stitches. Judy, on the other side, leaves her place for a moment, and, crossing her arms, acts like she does when she is disappointed with Bill, something she is used to do, and that, only this morning, she already did several times.

"No Mr. Miller, I'm here for a different reason, and please, I just ate, so, please, can you hide that thing that you call your leg again?"

"Well, doesn't matter, Judy is too old and heavy to convince me to play the finale scene of American Gigolo. (and, again, Judy makes takes that position, in the kitchen, this time a little more furious, trying her best to be cool and remain in the room) Wait a minute – he tells him gesticulating – if you are not her for this reason, what do you want?"

The man takes few sheets on the small tea-table in front of them, taking them directly from his brown leather briefcase. He just smiles, without add a word, waiting for Bill to read them, but, after almost a minute, Bill is still looking at him, and not at the sheets. The man, who is loosing his patience, looks at him.

"Don't you want to read them, Mr. Miller?"

"Nah, I prefer when it's someone else the one to read. You know, my mother gave me the vice when I was a kid, and I never lost the habit. He takes the sheets and gives them to the other man – I'll let them to you."

The man jumps on feet, in front of Bill, furious. "These sheets – he starts to shout, then he suddenly lowers his voice – these sheets say that, during the last years, you didn't pay enough taxes, because you declared that you were maintaining you 4, no wait, 5 kids. And from what I know, you and your wife have only 3 kids."

"In fact, me and my wife have only 3 kids, the other two aren't hers." He does a small smile, trying to convince the man that he is telling the truth.

"Mr. Miller, we both know that just your wife was so brave to have children with you. So stop to pretend – Bill leaves his seat, feeling pity for himself and mean at the same time. He is going to confesses everything and ask how much he has to pay in tax, when the man, suddenly, makes the biggest and most brilliant smile Bill has ever seen, just because he knows that Bill just understands what he has done. – but there's a solution. If you pay me the half of this figure, I could forget that you don't have 5 children…"

"What? Go away from my home! I'm not going to pay you, it's illegal and immoral!" he screams, forcing the bald men to leave.

"You didn't pay enough tax, on proposal! Wasn't it immoral and illegal, too?" Irks replies, as he tries to avoid Bill to slam the door on his face; something he can't avoid, as the voice that Bill makes immediately after he did what he did.

"Yes, well, I'm not going to make you richer with what made me a little bit richer!" He turns himself and he is going to sit again on the sofa, when he sees Judy, with an angry expression and crossed arms, leaving the kitchen and going in front of him, telling, for the beginning, just "Bill."

"Yes, Judy, Honey, love of my life, queen of this house etcetera, etcetera, etcetera?" he answers her, with terror in his eyes, trying to protect himself with his arms, positioning them as a shield.

"First, you didn't clean the basement, but that's an old story. Than, you stay at home, pretending to not feeling well, and look an old tape and eat pop-corn, and you want me to make everything, but I can't accept that you told someone that I'm too old and heavy to be the female protagonist of American Gigolo and that you had 2 children with an other woman!"

"I can't say anything about the American Gigolo part, but if you want to know the truth, the other two guys I maintain are Linda and her husband, technically, I never told that they are my children."

Judy still looks at him with the same expression, without add a word.

"You are not angry with me just because I didn't pay enough taxes on purpose, right?"

"Bill, what you did, it's something… it's really grave, do you understand it or not?" she looks at him, serious and a little desperate, the same expression he is doing right now.

"Don't you worry, Judy, I'll find a solution, in a way or in an other one. I promise you, I'll find it. " he says, as he leaves and goes away.

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

A couple of days later, Judy is in the kitchen, making breakfast, and, while no one is listening, she tells her sister Linda (who, as usual, is by her, and is reading a newspaper while drinking a mug of black, hot coffee her sister just did her) the whole story, or, at least, almost all; she prefers to avoid to tell her that Bill enlisted the two them as their children.

"Wow" the blonde states as Judy finishes narrating what happened the previous day.

"Yes, I know, it's incredible, but…"

"Oh, no, I wasn't talking about what you told me, I stopped to listen to you after you told me it was something concerning Bill, I thought you were going to annoying me – she admits smiling – I was talking about this guy found dead yesterday, a certain… Stanley Irks." Judy, not seen by Linda, freezes, listened to the name f the man who was by her.

"Yes, he was a tax inspector, the police believe someone he was investigating on killed him, and tried to make them believe it was an incident." Judy freezes again, and leaves the plum cakes she just did fall on the soil.

"Can you believe it? someone hit him with his car, five times, and then took the cadaver in the car and abandoned it outside the city, in the country, but someone saw it… ehy, the killer has Bill's same car!" she smiles, happy, not thinking about it, and not knowing anything. But at her back, this time not only Jude freezes, this time she falls on the soil herself, making her sister turn herself to see what's happening to her.

"Judy, why are you on the soil with the plum cakes?" she asks her, while Judy is going to came back on her feet, leaning her hands against the counter. When she is finally up again, Brian enters in the room, with a face she doesn't like, a clear sign that something that he doesn't like just happened.

"Ok, what did you, or dad, or the both of you did this time? - he asks her, and then, he goes to sit at the table – good Morning Aunt Linda"

"Why do you think that me or your dad or the both of us did something wrong?" she serves him a glass of milk with biscuits with chocolate.

"Because there's the police in front of our house"

"The Police?" she asks him, again in shock, and falling again on the ground.

"Yes, two detectives, a man and a woman. – he turns his head in direction of his mum and sees what's just happened her – mum, why are you on the ground?"

"Oh, it's a new pilates exercise, that's' all. Don't worry. Linda, I have to go to see a thing, over there, can you please come and help me?" she asks her sister with false nonchalance.

"Wait a minute, I'm still reading the newspaper. Why don't you ask Brian? He is just eating…"

"LINDA, COME HERE IMMEDIATELY! – she shouts at her sister, making her not only leaving her reading activity, but the room, too – continue to eat, Brian, I don't need you." The last part of the sentence it's pronounced with a different tone, sweeter, but Brian, who looks at her terrorized and runs away from the room, is more scared by this one than by the previous one.

"Judy, please, I'm sorry if I didn't listen to you, but I'm sorry I'm really sorry I'm so sorry forgive me please can you forgive me?" she says in a breath, as she takes the same position that Bill took a couple of days before, with her arms as a shield, terrorized by her. But Judy, instead, goes to sit on the sofa, and starts to cry.

"Oh, c'mon, you can't cry just for that, I mean, I know I'm the most important figure of your life and you take me in great consideration, but it's not so grave!" she shiny admits as she goes to seat near her, who doesn't stop to cry.

"I'm not crying for this, Linda, it's not for you!"

"Figure if I'm at centre of the attentions of someone…- It's more an inner though than a statement, what Linda just told, at low voice, without look in her sister's eyes – ok, what Bill did this time?"

So, still crying, and with her head on one of her sister's shoulder, the dark haired woman tell the blonde the whole story.

"C'mon, Judy, Bill has a lot of defects, but it's not a killer! Just because his tax inspector, who tried to blackmail him, has been killed by someone with his same car after he told you that he was going to find a solution and disappeared for a whole day, doesn't mean that… - in that moment, Bill emerges from the stairs, and goes in direction of the kitchen. He isn't able to tell a single word, because, before he could do a single comment about his sister-in-law, she leaves the sofa and runs away from the home, screaming her last words at her sister – I hope to see you soon, Judy! Remember that I love you!"

"When you'll find out what I did, please tell me, because I need to know how make her disappear! Ehy, maybe – he says as he enters in the kitchen- I could make her disappear permanently, what do you think, Judy? Judy?" he turns himself, and he doesn't see her; clearly, because she is on the soil again….

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

"Judy? Judy? Are you al right? Are you still alive?" Linda enters in the house, speaking at low voice, to avoid "Bill the killer", as she already mentally calls him, to listen to her, and when Judy arrives at her back, she jumps for the fear. "Judy, I'm still young, and I neither want to get killed by your mad husband, nor have a heart attack because I fear that Bill the killer is going to kill me, too."

"C'mon, Linda, I thought about it, and Bill could never do such a thing. He refuses to kill the ants, figure if he kills a man."

"Have you already controlled the boot to see if there's any blood?" she is going to go to see it, but her sister stops her.

"Wait, Linda! I already did it!"

"and?"

"Linda, I work for a dentist, I'm not a CSI! – she pauses – no, there's no blood. Or at least, I didn't see it."

"Ok, but, the detectives are back, and I don't like the look on their faces. They look annoyed and mad."

"What? They are really back? - she goes at the window, and gives a look at the two of them. – Oh my God, they are really back!"

"Look at the blouse she is wearing, it is really beautiful… and that man is gorgeous! Do you think that they sleep together?"

"Linda!"

"What? Just because I'm married I can't say a man is gorgeous and just because they are cops I can't gossip?"

"Linda, they are coming here!"

"Oh, you were asking me to stop to think to other things because they are here for your husband!"

"Who's here for me? - In this moments, as Bill is still on the stairs, and Judy and Linda are both in the living room at open mouth, the doorbell rings. - C'mon, this time you are nearer than me! It's your turn to answer; I already did it a couple of days ago!"

The doorbell rings again, and again and again and again, and when it rings for the fifth time, Linda runs and opens the door; in front of her, there are a man and a woman, both in their 30s. He is tall, dark-haired with blue eyes, and dressed formally, with blue jacket and pants and a grey tie, while the girl, brown hair and eyes, is wearing a light blue flowered shirt, with short sleeves and 5 small mother-of-pearl buttons, with black pants, a leather jacket and black semi-high heel shoes.

"Good morning, we are sorry to interrupt you, but…" she starts, but Linda stops her, screaming, talking in just one breath and indicating her brother-in-law.

"He is the killer! We didn't do anything to do with him, he just happen to be my sister's husband, please take him and let us stay!"

"What?" both the male detective and Bill ask at the same time, one ready to take his handcuffs and the other one confused.

"He killed the tax inspector, Judy said she thinks it was him the one who did it and that she has the evidences! We really haven't anything to do with him!"

"WHAT MY WIFE THINKS I DID?" He screams, as he goes near the two women, who run under the detectives' backs, detectives who, strange but true, start laughing and become less, very less serious.

"We are not here to arrest that man; we are here to arrest nobody. - The woman turns herself, and faces them, explaining what happened – the killer has been arrested yesterday, it was his ex wife, she tried to blackmail her, as he falsely did with dozens of others."

"But my son told me you were detectives!" Judy looks at them, astonished and relieved.

"We are detective, but we are here in vacancy. - The man explains them, with a smile – I'm detective Don Flack, and this is my wife, detective Ivy Carter. We are here to visit her sister and her husband, the Sheppard's."

"We wanted to ask you if you knew where my sister went or when she planned to come back, because it seems that she forgot that we were arriving from New York, that's all."

"So my husband isn't a killer? – she asks them, and when they nods, she turns to look at Bill, furious, and sees that he is trying to escape like a cat, hoping that she isn't noticing him – Bill Miller, where were you when that man has been killed?"

"Judy, you can't do me a third grade, I mean, you listened to them, I wasn't he one who, who, who… - but he sees Judy who is coming closer and closer, more and more furious, with crossed arms and cold eyes, and, like he already did several times in the past, and like Linda already did in the past, too, when they are in front of each other, he puts his arms in shield position and starts to talk at maximum velocity hoping only he knows what – please Judy I went to talk to my dad, I didn't want to call him and I didn't want you to know it, I just needed the money to pay the past taxes…"

"oh Bill, you went to your dad to ask him money… you trash your pride into the garbage for us, it's so sweet…" she goes in front of him, changing her mood, becoming sweet and a little malicious, whispering something in his ears, making him smile.

"You know what? I think that my husband and I will go – she turns to look at the man who now is in front of her – and I thought I already saw everything and all the kinds of madmen, between Chicago, Los Angeles and New York. But now, madness has a new meaning for me"

As they are going to leave, they are joined by Linda, who goes in front of the door, stopping them for an instant. "I told Judy that I was sure that you sleep together. I'm an expert in that sort of things. You know, I think I'll join you, I mean, not in that sense, I mean, I'm married, I don't do this kind of things, not that I don't think that your husband isn't hot, because he is totally hot, and I don't think that you aren't sexy, too, because you are sexy, although I exited from the woman/woman phase when I was at the college, – Linda finally pauses, as the two detectives looks in disbelief at the blonde in front of them, and, with wide eyes, literally run away from the house, leaving the blonde behind them, who, in the middle of the door, looks at them, and starts shouting to let them hear what else she has to tell them - I mean, I join you in the sense that I'm leaving, me too! I'm not that kind of girl, at least, not anymore!"

Like it? Hate it? tell me what you think of it!