Questions of the Heart

An eye lost. A new life. The smiles were gone, but still the reasons were unspoken, and new questions arise in her heart. Confrontation was unavoidable. FaiXOC. Sister story to "Behind the Smile."

Author's notes at end.

I sat alone by the fire. The others were already asleep; I was the only one still awake. In truth, I couldn't sleep, not after these last few days' events. I hugged my knees closer to my chest, a blanket draped over my shoulders, staring forlornly into the flames as the past few days played themselves over in my head…

The image flashed through my mind – Kurogane chewing Fai out, and how he had slumped to floor, looking absolutely lifeless. I'd realized then, Fai wasn't strong; his only strength was in pretending his problems didn't exist. I'd wanted to hug him, try to make him feel better, but at the time I could make my legs move. I wanted so much to help him carry his burden.

I forced my mind to clear and looked over at the real Syaoran sleeping on the ground. I still didn't quite understand everything that had happened. The Syaoran we had known was a clone created for the sole purpose of finding Sakura's feathers. This here was the real Syaoran. I felt inclined to think of him as the same person I'd known, after all, the clone had had part of the real Syaoran's heart. But it had seemed pretty obvious to me that Sakura didn't think of them as the same. And troubling still, were the real Syaoran's words to his clone…

"The feeling that the princess was the most important, that was your heart, not mine, wasn't it?"

Ugh. I was so confused. To top it off, an evil madman was responsible for our journey in the first place.

My eyes then betrayed me and traveled over to where Fai lied sleeping. The sight of the eye patch brought back to the surface the thoughts I'd tried to suppress. The clone Syaoran had gouged out Fai's left eye and left him to die. To save him, Kamui had given his blood mixed with Kurogane's. So Fai was a vampire and Kurogane was now pretty much his food supply. The vampire part I could deal with – Fai was alive after all – but Fai hadn't wanted to be saved. He had wanted to die.

I stood up quietly and walked over, sitting down again next to him. What could have happened to make him choose death over life…? Letting my fingers trail through his bangs, I stared at his sleeping face, feeling the pangs of sorrow and confusion deep within my heart. He wouldn't use magic to save himself, but he had used it to save us. He truly didn't want anyone to suffer, possibly because of him. He did care about us, but he kept us at a distance, because he didn't want anyone to get close. But…he had let me close once before. And Kurogane too…

Another pang hit my heart as I remember how for the first time the magician had used the samurai's full name, and what I had overheard Fai say to Yuko.

"…I can't forgive him for that…"

Those days were over. He wouldn't let him close anymore. And they really had become good friends…

My eyes closed to block out reality, but behind my eyelids I saw the image of the battered Sakura in Fai's arms. My eyes snapped back open and I gasped suddenly as I felt my chest tighten. Those moments were burned into my memory. Not a day ago, Syaoran would have been the one not wanting Sakura to go on such a dangerous mission alone. (But, that had been the clone…) This time, Fai had been the one about to set off after her, and the way he had treated her when she returned, the way he looked at her, not hiding how he felt…

I felt the tears born of my pain and confusion brimming in my eyes. My head fell to rest against Fai's forehead, the salty drops trailing soundlessly down my cheeks. Am I losing you…? Do you love her…? And she… what about Syaoran…? What about Syaoran…? Was I referring to the clone or the real one? I didn't even know, because I didn't know which one actually loved her, or which one she had realized was the most important person to her.

"Kurisu…"

My eyes snapped open again to see Fai's single clear blue eye staring back at me. My breath caught in my throat as I saw the vast, deep ocean of pain in that single eye. Even that night, I realized, he'd hadn't shown me all that lay behind his smile.

I pulled myself up, away from the magician's face, still staring into that vast blue ocean of pain. My mouth opened, but my voice was gone.

"I told you, my burden isn't yours to carry," Fai said softly.

"But…" The pressure in my chest grew. The dam broke. "But I want to!'! I don't care how much it hurts!'! I want to know everything!'!" My words could have become a scream if I hadn't been nearly choking on sobs. As it was, my voice cracked and changed octave at random intervals. "Why?'! Why would you rather die?'!"

Fai's face remained unchanged, blank and lifeless. He rolled over on his side, facing away from me. "It's none of your concern."

"Don't give me that crap!'! If I wasn't concerned, I wouldn't be sitting here!'! You're obviously not strong enough to carry your burden, so let us help!'! You're our friend!'! We care about you!'!"

Fai's voice turned bitter. "You shouldn't."

"WHY? What is so terrible about you that we shouldn't care?'! You used your magic to save us, so you obviously care about us! Why don't you just admit that you need someone—"

"That's enough!"

The sharpness of his voice silence my tongue. The magician sat up slowly and turned to face me. "You don't understand, Kurisu."

"Then make me!" I rebuked. "I want to understand! No matter how much it hurts I want to know everything!"

"Kurisu…" Fai protested.

"You're still using my nickname," I stated defiantly.

Fai's eye closed as he sighed. "Kurisutiina…" he said firmly.

It felt like a slap to my face, and I wondered if that's how Kurogane felt, but I remained defiant. I didn't just want to take no for an answer this time. We sat in silence for a minute. I was amazed no one had been woken up by our argument, well, mainly my yelling. Finally, I asked the question weighing heaviest on my heart. "What about Sakura?"

Fai blinked and his eye shifted over to the princess's sleeping form. The look in his eye softened slightly and once again I felt my chest tighten. "Sakura… her heart is so warm and kind…"

"And I'm not…?" I asked quietly.

Fai's eye flickered back to me, but he didn't answer. After a long moment, finally he said, "We're similar. She understands." And that was all he would say.

"What does that mean?" I asked softly, knowing my voice was cracking horribly as the tears ran down my cheeks, but unable to make myself care.

Fai's only answer was a smile, a small one, almost apologetic, laced with pain and bitterness. It disappeared as he turned and lay down on his side again, back towards me, pulling the blanket around his shoulders. Obviously, this was the end of our discussion. I sat there for a moment longer, crying silently, before finally pulling myself up to return to my own makeshift bed. The ache and hopelessness washed over me as I allowed myself to sob quietly against the blanket.

Once, I had believed he would tell me everything. Now, I doubted he'd ever tell me anything, or ever hold me like that again.

Wow. o-O I just remembered that I finished this. Indeed it was the most depressing this I'd ever written when I wrote it, but now I have much more depressing stories on my computor.

Started this when I first watched Tsubasa Tokyo Revelations, which was... a long time ago. And by this point, I've read the entire series. AND IT WAS AWESOME! =D The ending to this isn't the original one that I planned, but It worked just as well.

Lastly, I will be creating a new story on FF called Chronicles of Flouright which will host the collection of Behind the Smile and it's sequels. Only Behind the Smile and this story will remain as separate stories. The others will appear in the new collection.

Lastly lastly, I'm currently devising a plan that will hopefully lead to more frequent updates.

Okay, now I'm done. Later, guys! Please review! ^^