Love and Ludicrousness, a twilight fanfic

Disclaimer ~ I don't own the characters, Stephanie Meyer does :( … BUT I do own my extremely messed up mind that creates outrageous plots that could never really happen… anyway enjoy!

Jasper

.(\~xXx~/).

My throat burned, this was not unusual, one of the perks of being immortal. Alice was seated next to me, concentrating on something. I inaudibly sighed and prepared myself for the feeling that was bound to come next, sure enough I felt the tug of a breeze across my forehead. My gift, along with years of war left me extremely conscious to when a gift was being used directly on me. I locked away my mind and concentrated on what Edward was expecting to hear, the endless torture of thirst. I imagined myself getting up and walking towards a girl, biting into her neck, letting the warm, thick blood run through my teeth. Underneath the table Edward kicked me; "sorry" I muttered and leant back against the chair.

Across the room the new girl could not take her eyes off us, that was not uncommon. Jessica Stanley was whispering hastily about us. The brown haired girl was not paying much attention. Before I knew what was happening I had stood up and kicked the chair metres behind me. Four dark golden eyes gazed up at me while the rest of the cafeteria was silent. "Stomach ache", was the first excuse I could think of, and so with that I turned and rushed out the doors. I raced to the car park and climbed onto my bike, and with a kick of my heels I was off. As I raced along the straight roads of Forks my phone went off. I glared at it for interrupting my psychologically created serenity and then opened the message-

Jasper,

What the hell was that? They are all worried that you're going to slip and I can't see you. Get. Home. Now.

-Alice

Well, hell, this didn't help my mood. Of course she couldn't see my future I was blocking it, seems like the war was good for something after all. My fingers flew across the keys and soon a reply was completed.

Alice,

What the fuck do you mean what was that? I have put up with you're crap for long enough. You dressing me like a Barbie doll everyday, spending my money on ridiculous shit you will never need – The Major was now emerging – I am going to have the divorce documents drawn up within the week and you WILL sign them. I do not appreciate being told what to do by some pixie bitch who acts innocent but I KNOW has been sleeping with my supposed brother

Major Jasper Whitlock

I hit send and started the bike. I tapped in some numbers and listened to the tone ring, when the person answered I did not waste time with formalities. "This is Jasper Whitlock, from the Cullen coven, to keep the treaty intact for the members of the coven I do like, I am formally asking permission to cross your land." The person on the other end didn't respond for awhile. I tapped my foot impatiently, "And if I refuse to give you permission?" "Well then you will have one very pissed off Major" "Major, as in the Major?" "The one and only" More silence followed this statement, "Very well you have the Quillette Tribes leader's permission to cross through our territory." "Oh and Billy, do not let any other member of the Olympic coven cross your land today." With that I hung up and went to throw the phone into my bag as it hummed to life my phone went off again, it was from Alice. I chuckled and tossed the phone into the dirt. Then revved the bike and drove forward, my only goal was to get away from Forks.

Bella

.(\~xXx~/).

My first day was just great. One look at me and the gorgeous blonde basically throws his chair across the room and storms out. The pixie-like goddess glared at me, the big one grinned, the other blonde looked mildly interested and the copper haired boy gazed curiously at me. The pixie grabbed out her phone and turned her back to me, I spun around in my chair and looked pointedly at Jessica who was happy to supply me with the story, "the pixie is Alice, and she is, like, a fashion obsessive. She, like, always has designer clothes months before they are released". A pout crossed Jessica's face before she continued, "She is with Jasper, who you just saw storm out. The big, dark haired one is Emmett… I wonder who would win a fight out of those two" she drifted off, brought back to reality by a loud cough on my part. "Anyway, the blonde, Rosalie, is with Emmett and as you can see she is absolutely stunning". Rosalie smirked as if she heard the comment. "They all live with their adoptive parent Carlisle and Esme".

"Huh", was the most intelligent word that tumbled over my tongue, my eyes were still fixated on the copper haired boy. "Who is he with?" I asked Jessica before I could stop myself. A snobbish look appeared on her face, "No-one here is good enough for him". So she had been rejected by him, I stifled a giggle. The bell rang and I pushed myself up from the chair, "Well I have bio now so I guess I will see you later". Like hell I was actually going to biology. I trudged across the muddy grass and clambered into the truck. I knew I could not go home in case Charlie caught me. I sat there with the heater going full blast and tapping the wheel with my fingers, when I heard a knock on the window. I couldn't see who it was from the condensation so I wiped my hand across the cold glass. And there he was, Edward, grinning like there was no tomorrow. "And what do you want?" I asked, thinking about all the precious heat being let out of the car. "Just wondering whether or not the car was being stolen, because you are meant to be in biology."

"I am meant to be wherever I want, and if someone tried to steal this sad excuse for a car over the others in the parking lot then I would be more worried about their mental health then whether or not they were stealing the car. Now if you don't mind I am leaving."

I shifted the car into reverse and was about to leave when I heard his voice, "Where are you going?" "What is it to you?" I glared at him and he smiled a half crooked smile. Oh no, he didn't, I was not going to fall for him. I backed the car out of the car park and drove away, deciding on the spot to go to the Reservation. With his face quickly disappearing in the review mirrors I pushed down on the gas pedal harder. Soon his face was completely gone and I was making good time. I reached over to the radio and flipped it on, big mistake. The engine spluttered and went out, "Fuck" I moaned as I climbed out of the car. I walked around to the bonnet and lifted it up. The engine was pouring black smoke out. I was not good with mechanics but this was not good. I slammed it shut and walked around to my door. I had slammed it in frustration and was now locked out. With no car, no phone and no idea where I was. Freaking brilliant. I slumped down against the giant wheels that held the truck when I saw a flash of silver, probably just rubbish, I told myself, but still stood up and walked over to the silver object. It was a phone, I picked it up. It was still working! I dusted off the screen and unlocked the phone. Flashing across the screen was *4 new messages*. Curiosity got the better of me and I hit *open*. The first one read

Jasper Whitlock is it?

Too cowardly to face you family again? I have something to tell you Major Whitlock, you were never my mate. Edward is. Even if he doesn't know it yet. But until he does do you really think I am going to divorce you, lose the money and the status that your name holds? Remember this I know about your past with Maria. The guilt you feel everyday about the innocent people you murdered. How you felt their pain and you drank their blood until they died. You may have been a Major in 1863, but you are clueless to anything - oh and as a side note I know who your true mate is and unless you call me within two days she will not live much longer.

Love

Mrs Alice Whitlock

The second made even less sense

Jasper Whitlock,

Come back you're upsetting Alice and I don't want the treaty broken. I don't care for your temper tantrums so get over it and come home.

-Edward Cullen

The third:

Jazz-

I really don't care what the fuck is wrong with you but is there an excuse to pummel Fuckward?

-Em

Finally

Jasper,

I have something important to tell you. Not even Emmett knows, but I need to ask you because you're the only one who has an idea of gifts as they are called. Please come home or call me.

Love Rose

The senders of this text was obviously insane, I mean 1863? Drinking people's blood? Treaty? Gifts? The names of the senders matched the Cullen's … But that was absurd. I scrolled through the contacts on the phone, hoping to find someone I knew. Billy Black, I hit call and was answered but a gruff voice. "Look Major, I already told you, you have permission to cross the land" "Major?" I asked, silence on the other end. "Why do you have Jasper Whitlock's phone? Who are you?" " Relax Billy, it's Bella I just wanted to know Jake's phone number I sort of need a lift" "Bella?" "Yes" "Why do you have Jasper's phone?" "I didn't know it was his, my car has broken down and I'm stranded and then I saw a phone on the road and your name was the only one I recognised and-"I drew a deep breath, close to tears. "Bella, where are you?" "I was on my way to the Rez, but other than that I have no idea" "Ok, honey Jake's on his way. But I am only going to say this once, if you or any one else there hurt Jake or if any leeches are around I will tear up the contract and hunt every one of you down." With that he hung up, leaving me confused as to what he had just said.

Edward

.(\~xXx~/).

As I sat in the cafeteria Alice was talking to me. In my head, no, I am not insane I promise. How is Jazz? I focused in on Jasper and saw what I usually did; he was suffering. I saw him getting up and walking over to a girl and drinking her blood. I flicked my foot out towards him and hit his shin. "Sorry" he said. I looked across the cafeteria out of boredom and noticed the new girl. Jessica was saying something to her, but the new girl looked zoned out. Suddenly Jasper was on his feet with his chair metres behind him. "Stomach ache" was all he said. That was crap, we didn't get stomach aches. As he rushed out all he was thinking was he needed to be alone. Alice stood to go after him but I placed a hand on her shoulder to warn her not to; he was in Major mode. She frowned at me and pulled out of phone and started brushing her fingers over the keys. The bell chimed and we stood to go to class. I heard the new girl, Bella, I think, say she was going to biology. She stumbled out of the cafeteria, but turned towards the car park instead of the science labs. I followed her out and saw her climb into the rusted truck. I stood there for a minute before walking over to the window and knocking on it. She wiped her delicate fingers across the glass and saw me. The window was then rolled down. . "And what do you want?" she asked, I tried to concentrate on her thoughts, but heard nothing. "Just wondering whether or not the car was being stolen, because you are meant to be in biology."

She shifted the car into reverse and was about to leave when I asked , "Where are you going?" "What is it to you?" She rolled up the window and reversed out of the car park. The truck could move surprisingly fast. Soon the truck disappeared from my site and I was left standing there. I ran back into the school yard to find Alice and Rose with there heads bent over a screen. Alice was saying something while Rosalie put her arm around her. Rose took the thing from her hand, a phone and looked at whatever was showing on the screen. I saw it to,

Alice,

What the fuck do you mean what was that? I have put up with you're crap for long enough. You dressing me like a Barbie doll everyday, spending my money on ridiculous shit you will never need I am going to have the divorce documents drawn up within the week and you WILL sign them. I do not appreciate being told what to do by some pixie bitch who acts innocent but I KNOW has been sleeping with my supposed brother

Major Jasper Whitlock

Now I understood why Alice was so upset. My focus flew to the last sentence, so Jasper knew but had kept the Major under control. He had more self-restraint that I had ever given him credit for. Suddenly Rose dropped the phone and turned towards the doors. She sprinted out of them into the trees I was not able to hear where she was going. But she looked panicked and shaken.

Rosalie

.(\~xXx~/).

So Jessica thought I was stunning, I'll take that as a complement. I was mildly entertained by Jaspers performance but it had nothing to do with me. I heard the dull tone of the bell and stood up. Alice grabbed my arm as Edward and Emmett wandered off. I turned to face her and a screen was shoved in my face. It was too close to read what was on it. "Rose, he's gone, gone for good". He voice was cracked and I knew if she could cry she would, "what do I do Rose?" I put my arm around her and tilted to phone up so I could read it. As I was Edward came back in, We both saw the text displayed on the screen and we both understood exactly what was happening. I prised the phone out of Alices hand when an electric spark ran through me. I dropped the phone and turned towards the doors, I sprinted out of the cafeteria and into the woods. I kept running until I found the border. I kept running until I saw a glint of silver lying in the dirt. Even from this distance I could tell who it belonged to. "No, no, NO!" I spat. I grabbed my phone out of my pocket and swiftly devised a text. I hit the send button and moments later I heard the sound of Jaspers ring tone. I sank down into the ground. I didn't like being a vampire. I wanted to be human. And now I would become even more of a freak. The only vampire who took centuries for their gift to develop. I was suddenly enveloped in two strong arms, Emmett. I pressed my head into his chest and we stayed there in the same position for hours before he stood and offered me his hand. "Home?" he asked. I shook my head I didn't want Edward discovering my new-found gift.

I pulled out my phone and typed in a few numbers. The sound of Billy Black's voice was heard through the speaker. "Hello" "Yes, Billy, Emmett and I need permission to cross your land." Emmett looked surprised but I held up a finger to his mouth. "I cannot" was his only response. "And why is that" "Major told me not to". Then he ended the call. I turned back to Emmett and looked at him, "You can go home, but I can't" "I'm not leaving you, Rose" "Then we are going to find Jasper". He looked stunned but nodded and we started running towards Seattle to reach the airport. I need to talk to Jasper and I knew just where he was headed, to Peter and Charlotte

So, what do you think? Yay or nay. Please review it would mean a lot to me :)