Icha Icha Tactics
Chapter I: How to Have an Icha Icha Ending

Summary: Always fighting for the sake of those they love, but when is a ninja to actually get some love? Now old enough, the Konoha boys have finally discovered the good in Kakashi and Jiraiya's books.

A/N: Introduction chapter. Slightly overdramatic characterizations in this chapter, but goodness I was bored. And if you notice, yes, I put too much detail, but I follow my imagination, and they move… --' The story'll get better in around three or four chapters, I'm just horrible with introductions, everyone's just making polite conversation. I just wanted to write a story with them cause reading fanfics during band class (band directors can blab, man) and wondering what the real characters would do… yeah. They're slow.

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, it's owned by someone whose name I'm too lazy to look up cause I don't pay much attention to Japanese names unless I youtube them, but "Naruto" is easier to search than his name.

Pairings—
Naruto/Hinata
Sasuke/Sakura
Shikamaru/Temari
Neji/Tenten

- x -

Besides the often fatal struggles to defeat super bad, melodramatic villains that would readily crush innocent towns with colossal explosions for the sake of… selling earthquake insurance… whilst maintaining their extremely healthy self-image of being a badass superhero that saved the world by escorting an overbearing, power-hungry dictator to safety across a bridge for three minutes, when it took them three days to get to the country to meet the guy… well, missions were actually rather boring. You took several days to travel to the place of the mission, never more than a minute away from each other for every hour of every day of every mission after mission after mission. And even if you weren't on a mission, you trained with them. Eventually, these people have just passed the point where they've molested your personal bubble. What with this lovely amount of time spent together with your forced-to-be best friends, they start wondering… "who the hell are you?"

"Oy, Kakashi-sensei!" Naruto called out, plopping next to him beside a campfire.

Sakura, the only responsible one of their team, was tending to the fire and preparing the dinner that Sai caught them. Sai, like the awkward little boy he was, sat there like a statue carved from marble, smiling that awkward little smile of his, eyes closed, without moving.

"Kakashi-sensei!" Naruto squinted his eyes, inching his face closer to the silver-haired ninja as the ninja inched his orange "Icha Icha Violence" book closer to his face as Naruto inched his face. Despite Kakashi's usual masked face inhibiting visual conception of his face, the book was covering anything the mask didn't, moving side to side to block Naruto's bobbing head's attempt to force Kakashi to look at him. "Kakashi-sensei! Kakashi-sensei!" Naruto attempted to snatch the book away, but failed miserably and resorted to pouting on the floor grumpily.

Immediately regretting it, Kakashi replied monotonously, lowering his book an inch, "What is it, Naruto?"

"I'm bored, there's nothing to do out here!" Naruto whined.

"What do you expect, we're in the middle of a desert wasteland. Why don't you go play with Sai at whatever he's doing or something?" Kakashi's replied unconcerned, anxious to reread his book for the nineteenth time.

"Play with that thing?" he spat looking at the still unmoving Sai, still awkwardly smiling. When he heard his name, though, his head kind of robotically rotated to smile directly at them, creepily. Naruto scrunched his nose in disgust. "Last time I tried that, the pervert told me to—" he blushed the shade of Sakura's hair, stiffly sparing a glance in her direction to see if she was paying attention, "—to… play with myself!" he whispered frantically. Sai was unnerved.

Kakashi, neither listening nor caring replied dispassionately, "Then play with yourself." He really didn't care how Naruto took it.

"What?!" Naruto blushed the deep red of Sakura's clothing, not daring to look at Sakura (who wasn't paying him any mind anyways). Looking away embarrassedly, he replied, "Why don't you play with me, Kakashi-sensei? Teach me Chidori, huh? You taught Sasuke-teme! And look what good he did with it! C'mon!"

"No," Kakashi declared monotonously. "I'm reading."

"You're always reading," he complained.

"Good."

Naruto's once eager face drooped back to his defensive grumpy mode. He moped for all the time of thirty-seven seconds before becoming bored of moping. "Why do you always read that stupid book, Kakashi-sensei? It's boring. I remember reading ten pages of it. It was the worst hour I ever spent."

"I like it," he muttered perversely, not looking up.

He sat still, debating his possible choices for amusement… can't bother Sakura, she's making the food! Sai… ew. Nothing to do out there… not even a tree to throw kunais and shurikens at. Fighting against his better judgment (which was extremely evident on his pain-stricken face), he forcefully choked, twitching, "What… is it… about?" As if he cared. Such was the extent of his boredom.

Kakashi's book lowered a bit, lured with the desire to taint more minds to the contagious disease that was the Icha Icha series. "You don't really want to know, do you?" Kakashi asked suspiciously in his rabid, fanatic, anti-hater tone.

"No, no, I do," Naruto said forcefully, his voice unusually high and strained. His twitching face implied otherwise but Kakashi was too excited to share his love to notice; for all he know, Naruto just had a weird twitch that Kakashi, in all his years being Naruto's teacher, never noticed due to his read his book for all but twenty minutes of it.

Kakashi's eyes lit up eagerly, a look none of his students ever dared to even imagine. He drew in a dramatic gasp. "What is it about? What is it about? What isn't it about!?" he exclaimed, his voice crescendoing. "Action!" he screamed, punching the air. "Suspense!" he declared, looking around suspiciously. "Mystery! Comedy! Fantasy! And above it all… Love!" Kakashi's eyes sparkled fantastically underneath the fire as he continued in a Gai-like fashion. "Love, what we need undoubtedly. Yet love, what will drive us all insane. Love, the reason for living in this cold, cruel, heartless world! Love, I love you!"

Sakura herself couldn't help but twitch at her supposedly respectable teacher as he… made her feel so incredibly sorry for Neji and Tenten that one time Rock Lee invited (or rather dragged) her to go training with them.

Kakashi continued enthusiastically. "You see, this girl, S—"

"Nevermind, I'm bored already!" Naruto wailed, signaling defeat.

"But you didn't even get to—"

"No!" Naruto moaned.

"I didn't even—"

"Ehh!" Naruto screamed, covering his ears.

"I'll just tell you how—"

"Stoppit!"

"'I love you!'"

"Kakashi-sensei! Instead of reading about these sappy, crappy love stories, why don't you fall in love instead? Maybe then you'll have a life!"

Kakashi froze, flaring at Naruto heatedly. "I don't see you with any girl that'll come within walking distance of you," he snapped pointedly.

"I could get a girl in a snap if I wanted." He glared at Kakashi, his nose pointing upwards as if he smelled something nasty. "Besides, you're twice my age. Before you know it, time will just stomp you into dust on the ground and tap dance around you."

"Tch!" Kakashi scoffed in rebuke. "You probably couldn't even attempt to flirt with a girl without her pulling your pants down."

"Psh!" Naruto raised an eyebrow in challenge. "They just wanna see how happy I can make them," Naruto smirked slyly as Sakura gaped in disgust.

"Or to make sure that you're actually a man," Sai chirruped.

"Yeah, and when that fails, how do you expect to get a date at all, much less a girl?" Kakashi taunted.

Naruto's cheeks tinted red with embarrassment. "What girl could resist my devilish charm and foxy looks?" he said, fully believing himself.

"Any sane girl," replied not only Kakashi, but Sai and Sakura to boot.

Naruto's cheeks stained redder as he looked away from the three smirking faces and challenged more loudly than he could boast, "Fine then! How would you get a girl then!?"

And as if he had been waiting for someone to ask him this question all along, with a triple axle and a flourish added in for effect, "Icha Icha Tactics" was thrust a centimeter away from Naruto's face (despite the fact he had been reading "Icha Icha Violence" before).

"'Icha Icha Tactics!'" he declared proudly. "Everything you need for your very own—"

"Porno?" Naruto asked bored.

"No! Love story, idiot!"

"Then why's it an 'adult' book, Sensei?" Naruto asked innocently, the exact opposite of how he felt.

"Shuddup. Just because it contains some slightly, mildly explicit and highly graphic sex scenes that are completely necessary to portray the passionate love between the main characters does not mean that it's a porno!" Kakashi hissed defensively. "As I was saying…" he more stated as a fact than said as an transitory opening, "It tells you everything from how to ask out a girl, to how to propose, to how to—"

"Be whipped!" Naruto exclaimed. "What does it tell you to do? Bake her cookies?! How to be transsexual?!"

"No, dufus," Kakashi said coolly, despite the fact Naruto had just insulted one of his favourite books of all time. "It tells you how to be freaking awesome," he declared, challenging him with a staring contest.

"How? By being like you?" Naruto said sarcastically.

"No, by not being anything remotely like you," he said simply.

"Oh yeah? Where?" Naruto smirked, for surely he jests.

But, alas, no, as Kakashi flashed the dedication page of the (in)famous novel.

- x –

"This book is dedicated to Naruto Uzumaki and anyone with just as bad luck as him in the girl department, in hopes that when he's old enough, he'll read this book and learn how to get a girl, any girl, really. I mean, she doesn't even have to be decent for all I care, but jeez, at the rate he's going, he'll be banging a drum—and not in the musical way. That idiot cost me so many chances at love, I had to lock the dork up in a room with ropes before I could go out hunting. If you're like him and don't change your ways, before you know it, you'll be sneaking into the girls side of hot springs just to see what the difference between a male and female is. I hope this book teaches you to have your very own Icha Icha ending. Love from, Jiraiya."

- x -

"I don't get it," Naruto said, scratching his head. "Isn't that nice? Ero-sennin dedicated his… pervvy book to me—ew! Ero-sennin! Why would you do that to me!? That was mean!"

"See," he said, flipping the pages of the book, "It tells you how to make a girl fall into your hands as easy as… well, trapping you with a stick and a box if I put ramen under it."

Naruto took the book and flipped through it, seeing titles such as 'how to ask a girl out,' 'what kind of personalities girls like,' 'what kinds of looks girls will not even spare a glance at,' amongst other odd things. "What… ? 'Rule number 4. Never ask a woman her age, they're really sensitive about that. Just know, if she's fine, she's fine. Even if she uses a jutsu to make her pretty despite her age, as long as she keeps it up, it's all good.'" He flipped a few more pages, "'Never look into a hot spring anyways, you can't see anything anyways.'… 'Be sweet, charming and sensitive, or else you'll never get any.' What the freak is this? This is stupid. You won't get a girl selling this book to them. This is absolutely pointless to them. Why would they want to get a girl anyways?"

"This is for guys, you moron. Guys read this to find a woman. If it were to be a gift for a woman to get her, then you wouldn't be able to get her if she were interested in other women."

"What?!" Naruto asked, not comprehending in the least. "Girls don't like that stupid stuff in there anyways. It's telling you how to be a girl, not get one. 'When a girl hits you, pretend like it hurts, because they like feeling like they can hurt you.' What! That's stupid! A girl able to hurt a fine male specimen such as myself?! Your chakra must have stopped flowing through your head!" he declared, sprawling his arms in the air, talking to the world. "'Act like you need them more than they need you. They like to feel loved and wanted'…? What?! That's pathetic, Kakashi-sensei! Just find a new one! They aren't that spe…cial…" He sweat dropped, feeling the eyes of murderous intent upon him. "I mean… that is, unless you're Sakura-chan…" he chuckled forcefully, although her eyes never left his pressure points. He changed the topic, "Besides, do you see Ero-sennin with a girl anywhere, huh?"

"Would you like me to show you the dedication page again?" Kakashi asked smoothly.

After a five second glaring contest between a squinty-eyed Naruto and a bored-looking Kakashi, Naruto challenged, "Well then, how come you haven't gotten any love yet? Even Asuma-sensei had gotten Kurenai-sensei and they weren't even married yet! She was pretty pretty and yet he got her and he had had not only nasty smoker's breath but a funny little prickly porcupine beard that almost poked my eye out one time! That's like doubling the chances of lethalness when you kiss him, trust me!"

Flinching at Naruto's odd should-have-been-an-insult-but-actually-made-yourself-look-really-awkward comment, he replied defensively, "I would rather be in love than have sex with the next thing that moves. I'm not as desperate for any action I can get, unlike you, Naruto."

Naruto looked as guilty as could be (although he had yet to even have any kiss besides his first one with Sasuke back when he was 13), but despite Sakura's disapproving glare, did not look ashamed. Kiba had recently begun sharing his quaint little stories of what girls he met, and more importantly how far he got with them (don't worry, he's still a virgin. Can't go that far with a dog watching them in the room), in the different villages for his most recent missions. Although it wasn't his intended purpose, having a dog with him sure brought girls by the mother load.

"So what?" Naruto said, unflinchingly. "Excuse me if I don't plan on being a forty year-old virgin, unlike some people."

Kakashi was glaring daggers at him, not like Naruto noticed. It was hard to read eye expressions, especially when you're oblivious.

"Shut up, Naruto!' Sakura growled, making him feel like a deer trapped in headlights, especially when he was being reprimanded by the only girl he actually ever liked and would openly consider pretty. Sakura's expression softened as she went to comfort her teacher. "D-don't feel bad, Kakashi-sensei! I think it's sweet—" she emphasized the last word scathingly at Naruto, "—that you want to save yourself for the person you love. I think that's it's beautiful you want to fall in love." (Naruto struggled not to laugh at her manly choice of words for Kakashi.)

"Thank you, Sakura," he replied curtly and proudly, his head up high (though acting more proud than he felt). "I…" he struggled with himself. "I know it might not look like it, but… I'm actually a… hopeless romantic," he whispered furiously as if it were a sin, although all of Team Kakashi heard him. Naruto's eyes bulged as he stuffed his fist in his mouth so as to not laugh—mind you, not for Kakashi's sensitivity, but he might miss some other interesting unknown facts about his teacher.

Sakura, however, found nothing funny in this, but rather replied empathetically. "That's sweet! I'm sure loads of women would want to go out with you. You're smart, strong… I bet you're not half-bad looking either, if you would just take off your mask…"

Naruto burst out laughing. "I bet he's butt ugly. That's probably why he hides his face, so people don't run away screaming—or worse, turn to stone!" Sakura slapped him upside the head with a hostile "shh!"

"I'm not ugly!" Kakashi cried, obviously sensitive to the subject. "Besides, even if I were, at least I don't force other people to suffer looking at my face, unlike you."

"That's what they all say," Naruto motioned to the stoned Sai, waving his hand flippantly, before recoiling at realization of who he was talking to.

"I'm not ugly, you butt face," Kakashi retorted.

"Prove it," Naruto taunted.

"You don't have to if you don't want to," Sakura said sympathetically, although she hoped he wouldn't listen, for she was eager to see his face too.

"Yeah, you don't have to," Naruto said, causing to make Sakura and Kakashi look at him surprised, if only for a millisecond. "I mean, if you really are a butt face (and it'd totally make sense since you seem to be spewing out a bunch of crap), then you should leave the mask on. At least that way, you seem mysterious and no one will know that you've got a butt for a face, and you'll save the world from a load of trauma for that, thank you. Especially if your butt for a face turns out to have magical powers and kills us on the spot!" he screamed, overdramatically, causing Sakura to kick him in the shins.

"Then that's a good thing isn't it?" Kakashi said, causing Naruto to look sour… while jumping on one foot.

"C'mon Kakashi-sensei. You show Naruto that he's wrong!" Sakura cheered, although her inner Sakura knew full well that the selfish monster was eating at her and she really just wanted to see his face. Smart, sane, and not stupid Sakura knew that doing just as Naruto said would cause more havoc than following him.

In his vulnerable state, Kakashi began to move his hands to his mask… slowly, for he was unsure but the voice of Naruto taunting him drove him insane and he wanted oh-so-much to pop his head like a child's water balloon… his hands slowly reached the black fabric near his face, the fingers wrapped around the edges of his black mask… he began to slowly and gently unpeel the edges away and unveil what Naruto and Sakura supposed was his version of provocative skin… oh so close, so close, come on, how the hell can someone move so inhumanely slow?! But as a skin cell that never felt the singe of oxygen was slapped with the fresh air, his will trembled and cracked and he dropped his trembling hands in defeat. "I can't do it…" he whimpered to Sakura.

Naruto and Sakura sighed exasperatedly, one three times louder than the other, disappointed with their inability to solve the mystery of their Genin days. Sakura asked sugar-sweetly, like a kindergarten teacher, "Why can't you take off your mask?" The words "sweetie" or "honey" would have rolled right off her tongue, the way that she flawlessly hid how she was secretly so crestfallen.

"I can't!" he declared defiantly. "I…" he faltered… "I don't want people to see my face…" his voice lowered with a secret shame.

"Why not?" Sakura asked tenderly, elbowing Naruto in the gut when he whispered "ugly!"

Kakashi looked very innocent and simple minded, the true visionary of a hopeless romantic as he replied dramatically, "I don't want people to judge me on what I look like as opposed to who I am. I don't want people to neither love me for my looks nor be afraid of me because of them. I don't want lust to be the seed of my marriage!" he declared passionately, as if he had been running this same speech in his mind many times. "I don't want someone to fall in love with my looks. I want them to fall in love with me!" He finished with a flourish, his eyes shining with a fiery passion.

Naruto stepped back a little. "… See! He is butt ugly."