THE TIE THAT CHOKES "Daria" is owned and copyrighted by MTV. All rights reserved. This is not an episode, but the best imitation of an episode that I could write. Thanks to the creators of "Daria" for providing so much rich material for fanfics....

This is a revised version of "The Tie That Chokes" [May 1999]. After finishing "That Thing You Say," I found that I liked the minimalist camera-angle approach much better, and decided to weed out most of the camera angles in my first two fanfics. Nothing else has been changed. I hope this makes for easier reading...

This episode takes place not too long after the first of my chronology, "Rose-Colored Lenses."

I've given it the 2S rating -- best enjoyed in two sittings. ("RCL" was a 1S)

If you don't mind, I've taken the liberty of borrowing the asterisk [*] from C.E. Forman or Peter Guerin, or whoever thought of it. Much easier than writing "see postscript" in brackets -- and much less clunky. Thanks!

[intro theme music...................]

THE TIE THAT CHOKES

by

Kara Wild

ACT ONE

SCENE 1 (Morgendorffers' SUV, driving home on a weekend afternoon)

(Pan over shot of the four Morgendorffers in the car. Helen, for once, is doing the driving. Jake sits in the front passenger seat, flipping through a car magazine. Daria and Quinn sit in the back.)

JAKE: (murmuring) Wow, look at these beauties! This show has everything! I gotta go!

HELEN: (worn-out, irritable) Jake, not again!

JAKE: (to himself) Brian said it was next weekend. Hmmm...

(Bt)

QUINN: I just don't get why Erin was crying the whole time. I thought you were s'posed to be happy at a housewarming party.

HELEN: (irritated) Well she certainly couldn't have been crying about the size of the house -- unless twenty-four hundred square feet is too small for her. (Bt) Leave it to Mother to get Rita's daughter the best condo money could buy!

JAKE: (to himself) I wish we had a three-car garage!

(Daria picks up on her dad's comment, cocks an eyelid.)

DARIA: Maybe the garage was the reason why Erin was crying, or rather the fact that Brian spent so much time in there, waxing his damn Range Rover, that he barely even came out to say hello.

HELEN/JAKE/QUINN: Mmmmmmmm... ("that's true")

HELEN: Or maybe she just didn't like her housewarming gifts. (Bt) Who could blame her for getting upset over what Amy got for her?!

(Daria smirks.)

DARIA: An authentic African witch doctor's mask. Great idea.

HELEN: That Amy -- how like her to give the most twisted of all the gifts and then not even have the decency to come. (Pause. reflects. then:) Dammit, I'm not gonna let her get away with that! (Bt) She's family, too. (grumble) She should have to suffer like the rest of us....

(cut to: )

SCENE 2 (Amy's place)

(Shot of outside of apartment complex. cut to close-up Amy, taking off her glasses to clean them, looking pooped.)

AMY: I'm telling you, Joel --

(cut to wide shot. She's in the living room we know from "Through A Lens Darkly," lying on the opposite end of the couch from where she lay in that episode -- away from the phone. A guy stands behind the couch, propping his elbows upon it. He's mild-looking and scholarly, yet also has a subtle ruggedness that's attractive. sports wavy light brown hair and a beard.)

AMY: -- this was the last time I'll ever get near a jet ski.

JOEL: (encouraging) Aw, c'mon, you were doing fine. You just have to lean into the turns more -- (phone rings off screen)

AMY: Uh-oh. (Joel heads over to the phone) If that's Rita, remember: I've got a one-oh-four fever and haven't been out of bed all week.

(Joel reaches for the cordless phone.)

JOEL: Better practice sounding like you're at death's door.

(Amy tries a couple of practice hacks.)

AMY: (faux feeble) Hello??

JOEL: That's it. (Bt. talks into the receiver) Hello? Mmm-hmm... mmm-hmm... okay, I'll get her. (Bt) Um, Amy, it's not Rita. I think it's your other sister.

AMY: (smirking) The velociraptor? Give it here.

(Joel hands Amy the phone. She takes it, sits up, and puts her fist over her mouth as if getting ready to cough. Then she decides, "nah," and puts it back down.)

AMY: (cheerful) Hey, Helen, how's it going???

(split screen, Amy on the left, Helen on the right)

HELEN: (sarcastic) Well you've certainly recovered in a hurry.

AMY: A day outdoors does wonders for the health. (Bt. wicked) Not that you would know, of course.

HELEN: Ha-ha, very funny. (Bt) Honestly, Amy, would it hurt you to just once make family a priority in your life???

AMY: Oh, come on now, Helen. I bought Erin's witch doctor's mask with the greatest of love.

HELEN: And made sure not to be there when she saw it and started screaming. (Bt) You know, a trip out to our neck of the woods wouldn't've killed you.

AMY: No, but a six-hour drive isn't exactly paradise, either. (Bt) And speaking of which -- after Hawaii, don't even mention the word airplane to me.

(Helen sighs.)

HELEN: Amy, do you realize you've never even seen our house in Lawndale? And we've lived here for over a year.

(Pause. Amy appears to be considering that fact.)

HELEN: (more pointedly) I'll bet your other nieces would be very happy to get a visit from their aunt.

(Pause. Amy appears to be considering some more.)

HELEN: Especially Daria. (Bt) You know she thinks highly of you, and for Daria, that's about as close to hero-worship as she comes.

(Pause. then: )

AMY: (thoughtful) Hmmm, you make some good points, Helen.

HELEN: Some good points, eh? So you agree with me?

AMY: Weeeeeell...

HELEN: (smirking. knows she's won. wheeling and dealing tone) Well that settles it. Why not schedule a weekend next month to come see us?

AMY: (sees her offer. decides to one-up her) Or how 'bout I just come over next weekend?

HELEN: (taken aback) Oh! I... well... do I have time...?

(Amy smirks, knowing she's trapped Helen in her self-righteousness. Helen sobers up, determined not to sound like a hypocrite.)

HELEN: All right, next weekend sounds fine.

AMY: Then next weekend it is.

HELEN: Fine.

AMY: Fine. (Bt) Well so long, Helen. I'll be seeing you soon, I guess.

HELEN: Yes, um, right. Goodbye. (hangs up the phone. cut to full screen of Helen. Pause. shakes her head with wonder) Did I just hear right? A sister of mine is coming out to see me willingly?

(cut to shot of Amy, sitting on her couch. Joel sits down next to her.)

AMY: (stunned) I'm going to visit my sister.

JOEL: Need any moral support -- someone to drive the getaway car after you've run from their house waving a bloody kitchen knife?

(Amy chuckles at his twisted sense of humor -- that's why she's dating him. She pats his hand.)

AMY: (grateful) Thanks, but this could be too intense, even for you. I'd better go solo.

(Joel suddenly looks serious.)

JOEL: Then could you do me a favor?

AMY: What?

JOEL: This time, could you at least tell your family about us?

(Amy gives him a look we can't decipher.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 3 (outside the Morgendorffer house, early Friday evening, "next weekend")

(Shot of the street. A couple of cars whiz by. pan over to Daria and Jane, sitting on the curb in front of the Morgendorffer house, waiting.)

DARIA: (to Jane) Got the time?

JANE: Is your watch broken? (lifts Daria's sleeve, revealing a watch)

DARIA: Yeah. (Bt) Two years ago.

JANE: Dare I ask why you continue to wear it, then?

DARIA: To look at when a dumb jock starts making conversation with me, of course.

JANE: Oh, yeah. Makes perfect sense.

DARIA: I thought so.

(Jane lifts her sleeve -- she's wearing an armband watch. checks the time.)

JANE: It's almost five-thirty, by the way. (Bt) So when's the famous aunt supposed to arrive, again?

(off screen, sound of front door slamming shut.)

DARIA: Shouldn't be too long, now. My mom said she left her place around noon.

(Quinn walks on screen, stands behind them.)

QUINN: Is she here yet?

(Daria and Jane look at her.)

DARIA: Do you see a car?

QUINN: Ha-ha, very funny. What I meant was -- (sound of honking off screen. Daria and Jane turn. Quinn's face brightens) there she is!

(cut to frontal shot of Amy's convertible approaching, from Daria and Jane's eye level. cut to frontal shot of Daria, Jane, and Quinn. Daria and Jane stand up, back away from the curb. Amy pulls up from off screen right. cut to shot of her from their POV)

AMY: Well if it isn't my two favorite nieces.

(cut to close-up Daria, Jane, and Quinn)

DARIA & QUINN: Hi, Aunt Amy!

(They start to walk over to the driver's side of the car. cut to frontal shot of the car -- Amy getting out, Daria and Quinn coming toward her. pan over so they're all standing on screen.)

DARIA: How was the drive?

(Amy reaches over and hugs her.)

AMY: Let's just say hell's too kind a word to describe it. (Bt. draws back) But seeing you guys makes it worthwhile. (reaches toward Quinn to give her a hug) So how are you, Quinn?

(Quinn pulls away playfully.)

QUINN: (chipper) Careful -- hair, makeup!

AMY: Uh, right. (gives Quinn a small squeeze around the waist) Nice to see you.

(cut to shot of Jane, standing on the sidewalk)

AMY: (off screen) You, however, I don't think I've met before. (walks on screen, stands next to Jane, smirking) Jake and Helen haven't been hiding a third kid, have they?

JANE: (also smirking) Yeah, I'm the one they're ashamed to tell their friends about. You know, because I start fires and do all other kinds of crazy teenage things.

(Daria and Quinn come up and stand behind Amy and Jane. Amy glances back at Daria. Daria smirks and nods.)

AMY: (to Jane. brow raised) Partner in crime?

(Jane raises her right hand.)

JANE: The one and only. (Bt) Although most prefer to call me by my given name. (Bt. reaches hand out) Jane Lane.

(Amy shakes her hand.)

AMY: Amy Barksdale. Nice to meet you.

JANE: Same.

DARIA: (slightly exasperated) I told her that I'd bring you by her place after you'd settled in, but she said she had to see you right away.

JANE: I've been dying to meet the one member of Daria's family who doesn't seem ready to keel over from hypertension.

(cut to inside shot of the Morgendorffers' house. close-up shot of Helen's face)

HELEN: Jake! She's here!!!

(cut to wider shot. Jake's in the kitchen, in the foreground, stirring stew in a pot. Helen paces around in the background.)

JAKE: Oh really -- (tastes stew) Eeeeeeeeyow!!!

HELEN: (irritated) Jake, turn off that damn stove and come out with me to greet her.

(Jake tries to fan his tongue.)

JAKE: But, Helen, I'm a little busy with this stew here.

HELEN: Dammit Jake, are we a team or aren't we?!

JAKE: Well yeah, but geez, honey, I don't see what you're so worried about. I mean, she's just your sister.

HELEN: Right. Which is exactly the reason why I need you to back me up! I'll be damned if I'm gonna go out there and talk with her alone!

JAKE: But the girls'll --

(Helen's eyes narrow.)

HELEN: (warning growl) Mmmmmrrrrrr...

(Jake pulls at his collar, hemming and hawing with indecision.)

JAKE: Aww... well... Ieeeee. (Bt) Aw, well. (turns down heat on the burner and puts a lid over the stew pot)

(cut to shot of Amy with Daria, Quinn and Jane, taken from the angle where we see the street. They've been talking about families -- Jane's comparing her family situation to Amy's. Daria's rolling her eyes as if to say, "Enough, already, Jane." Quinn stands there, serenely oblivious. Amy's smirking, amused.)

JANE: You think youngest of three's bad? Try youngest of five. (points to herself)

AMY: Ooh, you got me there.

(from off screen: )

HELEN: Amy!

JAKE: Hi, Amy!

(Amy turns, faces frontal. smiles.)

AMY: Jake! Helen!

(Helen and Jake walk up the path to meet her.)

HELEN: Well you're looking good.

(She and Amy embrace. Amy gives her a peck on the cheek, Helen does the blow kiss. They draw back.)

AMY: Thanks, so do you. (Bt. smirks) I see the vein on your forehead isn't throbbing as hard as it used to. You must've taken my advice about going on that walk last month. It's really made a difference.

(Daria, Quinn, and Jane snicker. Jake also can't keep from snickering. Helen looks at them, especially at Jake. Laughs very sarcastically.)

HELEN: Oh, Amy, always the kidder. (Bt) Jake. (Jake stops laughing immediately.) Why don't you help Amy with her bags? (says it like she's giving an order)

(Jake bows his head, turns meekly toward the car, and walks over to it. Everyone else watches him.)

AMY: Well it's nice to see that some family traditions never die.

(Daria snickers again, getting the jab. Helen notices, and frowns warily. Meanwhile, Jake's looking in Amy's back seat.)

JAKE: (to himself) One bag shouldn't be too -- (tries to lift it) Gah! Agh!! Geez, Amy, what've you got in here?!!

AMY: Just a few art books.

JANE: You do art?

AMY: I appraise it for its worth.

JANE: Ugh. (mock shudder) And I thought you were cool.

(Amy smirks at her. Jake scratches his head, looking at the bag.)

JAKE: (to himself. muttering) A man could break his back...!

(Helen turns to Amy and gives her a knowing look.)

HELEN: So, Amy, are art books all you brought?

(Pause. Amy gets an amused "okay, okay" expression.)

AMY: Well, that and some old photo albums that were lying around my room.

(Helen smiles and nods an "I thought so.")

QUINN: Cool! Does that mean we get to see you and Mom and Aunt Rita in your geeky younger years?

DARIA: I hope so. Humiliation's the best part of these family get-togethers.

(Helen looks at them, amused and exasperated.)

HELEN: Very funny, you two. (Bt. turns to Amy) Amy, why don't we look at them later, after dinner, when we've all had a chance to catch up on each other's lives?

AMY: Sounds good.

HELEN: Jake -- the bag.

JAKE: Aw Jesus, honey!

(Jane looks at her armband watch.)

JANE: Well that's my cue. (Bt) Much as I'd like to stay and be a part of your warm family moments, I gotta head home. My brother needs someone to wake him up. (starts to leave)

AMY: Nice meeting you, Jane.

DARIA: See ya.

HELEN/JAKE/QUINN: Bye!

(cut to wider shot, Jane in the foreground, walking away)

JANE: Yeah, bye. (stops. frowns. sniffs) Oh, and by the way, do you guys smell something burning?

(cut to close-up Jake. He grabs his head.)

JAKE: Oh dear God, the stew!!!!!!!!!!

(cut to: )

SCENE 4 (Morgendorffer house, later that evening)

(Outside shot of the house -- all of the windows are open. cut to shot of Amy standing in the doorway to Daria's room, looking around. Daria stands beside her. cut to Amy's POV, pan across Daria's room. cut to shot of Daria and Amy.)

DARIA: So, what d' you think?

(Amy smirks at her.)

AMY: It's you.

DARIA: (also smirking) Somehow, I knew you'd say that.

(cut to shot of the stairs. Amy and Daria approach them, climb down.)

AMY: Wish I had a room like that when I was your age. (Bt) Those padded walls would've really muffled my victims' screams.

(zoom out to show the other Morgendorffers sitting on the couches, surrounded by boxes of Chinese food. Helen and Jake sit on the center couch, eating. Quinn sits on the right hand couch, leaning over and looking through an art book on the coffee table.)

HELEN: (holding a box, digging around in it with her chopsticks) Boy, am I glad Good Time could deliver on such short notice.

(Daria and Amy walk toward her.)

DARIA: (to Helen) I'm glad they didn't press charges for forced inhalation of toxic chemicals.

(Helen assumes a sarcastic "ha-ha, you're funny" expression. Meanwhile, Quinn looks up from the art book she's been poring through. We can see that the title of the book is Famous Art Rip-offs.)

QUINN: Hey, Aunt Amy -- were all of these pretty pictures painted by crooks and losers?

(Amy comes over and sits down next to her. Daria sits on her left.)

AMY: Yep. (leans over, starts pointing out different photos) You see here how the brush strokes on "Starry Night" are just a little too straight? (Bt) Or how the Mona Lisa looks like she has pink eye and a cold sore?

(Quinn shudders.)

QUINN: Ewww. Gross.

(Daria turns to Amy.)

DARIA: (admiring tone) Wow, so your job is to tell the real art from the pathetic artificial wannabes.

(Amy leans toward her.)

AMY: (picking up on the double-meaning) Yeah, you could say it's one I've been training for my entire life.

(She and Daria share a smirk. Pause. Meanwhile, Helen's been watching them, wearing a slightly bewildered expression. She twists it into a smile, bursts out: )

HELEN: Well Amy, we've heard about your profession, but what about your private life?? (crooning) Seeing anyone special?

(Amy. sits up straighter. smirk fades.)

AMY: (uncharacteristically flustered) Oh... well... I date here and there.

(Helen smirks a "I wonder what's up?")

HELEN: Oh? What about that man I spoke to on the phone last week??

(Amy looks embarrassed and a bit remorseful.)

AMY: Him? He's -- just -- a... friend.

(awkward Pause. Daria's still smirking, unaware of Amy's predicament.)

DARIA: Friend, eh? (Bt) Like that guy Steve who used your apartment as a cross-dressers' karaoke bar that night you were out of town?

(Quinn looks up from the art book.)

QUINN: Huh????? (turns around, looks at Amy)

(Amy smiles gratefully at Daria.)

AMY: I'll tell her the story. (Bt. to Quinn) See, Steve was this body-builder I knew from the --

(cut to close-up Helen. listens, wears a tense expression. doesn't particularly like Daria's intimate tone.)

AMY: (off screen) -- fitness club across the street from where I work. He used to --

(pan right to Jake. Amy's voice fades into the background as he speaks)

JAKE: (hushed voice) Did she sound convincing to you???

(pan to Helen)

HELEN: (irritated hushed voice) Convincing about what?! (She's still bothered about Daria.)

(pan to Jake)

JAKE: About dating men!

(cut to close-up Helen. she sighs)

HELEN: (weary, irritated) With Amy, you never know what to believe.

(cut to wide shot. Amy, Daria, and Quinn are in the foreground. Helen and Jake are in the background, watching)

AMY: (to Quinn) ... And so I come home and find him rolling around in a pink taffeta gown, singing along to some Judy Garland records he'd brought over the day before --

(cut to close-up Helen and Jake. Amy's voice fades into the background again.)

JAKE: (hushed voice) Maybe she's a lesbian!

(Helen turns to him. waves her chopsticks in the air. exasperated)

HELEN: Jake, Amy is not a lesbian!

JAKE: But you just said you don't know! (Bt. concerned. philosophical) She shouldn't be afraid to tell us, her family! Why, in this modern age --

(cut to wide shot)

AMY: Jake. (shakes her head) I'm not a lesbian.

(Helen and Jake look at her. Jake's stunned.)

JAKE: Oh. (Pause) That's okay, too!!! (gives Amy a thumbs up)

(Helen groans. then: )

HELEN: Well, Amy, that was a very interesting story, and I'm curious to see how Daria came to know the details.

DARIA: (hears subtle disapproval in mom's tone) Oh, um, Amy and I keep in touch over e-mail.

AMY: Yeah, I encouraged it. (Bt) I knew that as often as we talk, you and Jake would go ballistic if it meant a large phone bill.

(Helen tries unsuccessfully to look nonchalant.)

HELEN: Oh, hmm-hmm, you talk often, do you? Hmm-hmm, how nice. (presses lips together in a smile that instead looks like a sneer)

(Amy nods.)

AMY: Yeah, right. (Bt. to Daria) Now let's turn the tables on you for a while. (Bt) Have you made any progress in your quest for that guy, Trent?

(cut to close-up Helen. eyes widen. "Daria's interested in Jane's brother?!!" cut to shot of Amy and Daria. Daria blushes, and speaks to Amy in that shy, sweet tone that we've only heard her speak to Trent with.)

DARIA: Well... not exactly. Um... I don't really know if I can talk about it now. (looks in Quinn's direction. pan to Quinn, smirking with interest)

(cut to close-up Helen. leans forward, listening)

AMY: (off screen) Oops, sorry, I didn't realize...

(cut to close-up Amy and Daria)

DARIA: That's okay. I suppose even -- (sound of loud cracking off screen. Amy and Daria turn and look in Helen's direction)

(cut to close-up Helen. She holds up a broken pair of chopsticks, bewildered. She'd been so focused on Daria, she'd forgotten she was holding them.)

HELEN: (uneasy laugh) Oh-ho-ho-ho... would you look at that!

(cut to close-up Amy and Daria. They look at each other.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 5 (Morgendorffer house, nighttime)

(Shot of Amy sitting in the guest room downstairs. She's in the foreground, lounging in a desk chair, hovering over the cordless phone almost as though she's afraid to be caught with it. Her boyfriend's on the other end.)

AMY: ... Not yet they haven't. (Bt) And they haven't strapped me to the bed and beaten me with bamboo rods, either. It's been pretty quiet. (Pause. smiles) Yeah, I miss you, too. But you can -- (sound of knocking off screen)

QUINN: (off screen) Aunt Amy?

(Amy shields the phone and looks toward the closed door.)

AMY: (to Quinn) I'll be out in a sec. (to Joel) I'm sorry, hon, I have to go. Family duties await. (Pause. slightly defensive tone) Of course I have. (Pause) Anyway, I'll see you in two days. (Pause) I love you, too. Bye. (hangs up)

(starts to get up. cut to outside shot of the door. Quinn's standing beside it, holding a photo album. The door opens, Amy comes out.)

AMY: Hi, Quinn -- sorry to be so long. I was just straightening up.

QUINN: That's okay. (Bt. holds up album) But could you tell me what's up with this photo album? (Bt) Most of these pictures are just of some guys standing around, and they're not even cute guys. (shudders a little)

AMY: Hmm, let me see. (takes the album, flips through a few pages, pauses, then bursts out laughing)

(cut to wide shot of the kitchen, where Jake, Helen, and Daria are sitting, also looking through photo albums. Helen and Daria sit in the foreground -- Helen in her usual spot, Daria in Jake's. Jake sits in the background, on a stool, looking through an album on the counter.)

JAKE: (to himself) Rita's old MG! I wonder if they'll have any of those tomorrow....

(Meanwhile, Helen turns her attention to Daria, a "concerned parent" look on her face.)

HELEN: So, Daria, I didn't know you --

DARIA: (in her usual supremely deadpan tone) The subject is closed.

HELEN: But I haven't even --

DARIA: I know what you're gonna say, and I don't care to discuss him.

HELEN: All right, fine. (says it with more than just the usual exasperation. there's some bitterness, too)

(Helen and Daria sit silently and flip through the albums. Pause. Then Amy and Quinn walk into the room from off screen.)

AMY: (to Quinn) ...They were taken before I was born, when our dad was serving in the army. (sits in Quinn's usual spot. Quinn sits in Daria's) By the time I arrived, we'd already settled into our house in Rutherford. (Bt) Dad wanted a stable environment for raising his son.

QUINN: But I thought you didn't have any -- (Amy raises an eyebrow. Quinn gets it.) Oh.

(Helen lays a hand on Amy's shoulder.)

HELEN: (crooning maternal tone) Now, sweetie, Dad loved you every bit as much as he did me and Rita.

AMY: (sighs) Well, he got used to me at any rate. (Bt. slides the photo album Quinn showed her in front of Helen) Hey, Helen. (points to the photo she'd been laughing at earlier)

HELEN: What is it, swe-- (sees the photo) Oh, for the love of God!! Damn that Rita!!!

(Jake looks up. Daria and Quinn get out of their seats and hover around the photo album.)

DARIA: (smirking) Humiliated by a younger sibling. (Bt) At a swimsuit competition.

AMY: (also smirking) A fate worse than death.

QUINN: So what else is new?

(Helen covers the photo with her hands.)

HELEN: Hmph -- well enough of that. (Bt. turns to Amy) Which reminds me, Amy: I was thinking how nice it would be to go out with my more-favorite sister. (Bt) Say tomorrow night? (Bt. crooning) An evening alone would give us the chance to bond a little.

AMY: Hmm, bonding? (Pause. weighs the option. then, nonchalant:) I could go for that.

HELEN: Great!

(Pause)

AMY: Great.

(cut to Helen's POV. Daria stands in the foreground, still hovering over the album and smirking. Amy's in the background. cut to close-up Helen)

HELEN: (to herself. muttering) Great.

END OF ACT ONE

[Amy is reaching over to hug Quinn. Quinn pulls away playfully.]

You are now entering commercial HELL. Please keep your seat belt securely fastened. You are about to see some of the lamest commercials put on television.

Not this one, though:

  • "Next Wednesday, on the Ten Spot: Helen issues Daria an ultimatum, but will Daria refuse to play her game?? (shots of Daria and Quinn standing in front of the bathroom mirror, Daria and Helen glaring at each other at the dinner table, and Trent playing a song in the Morgendorffers' living room) Find out next week on an all-new 'Daria.'"

    • These are the lame ones:

  • A promo for: "This is the Tom Green Show, it's not the Green Tom Show, this is my fav-or-ite show, because it is my show." Hmm, it's his favorite show because it's his show -- I guess that'd have to be the reason, since there's nothing else to recommend it....

  • "Do-do-do-do-do-do, dooo-ahhh!!!" That one opening line sums up all that is idiotic about Mentos. 'Nuff said.

You are now leaving commercial HELL. Aren't you happy you survived?

THE TIE THAT CHOKES

ACT TWO

SCENE 1 (Morgendorffer house, next morning)

(Outside shot of the house. We hear Helen's voice-over)

HELEN: (crooning) Why Eric, what a surprise!

(cut to inside shot showing kitchen and living room. Helen's pacing around in the foreground, dressed in leisure wear, cordless phone at her ear. Amy, Daria, and Quinn sit in the background, finishing breakfast [bagels, if you're interested!].)

HELEN: Monday? It's been moved up? (Pause) Well of course I can have it ready by then --

(cut to close-up Amy, Daria, and Quinn, listening. Amy's in Helen's spot, Daria in her usual place, Quinn in Jake's spot)

HELEN: (off screen) Saturday, any day, I'm always willing to be ready for you...

(voice fades into the background. Amy observes all this with an amused, perplexed expression. Turns to Daria and Quinn.)

AMY: Who's Eric? (Bt) Your mom's secret lover?

(Daria smirks.)

DARIA: Nope -- boss. (Bt) But the effect's the same: late nights with a mysterious stranger, a family in shambles --

HELEN: (off screen) Amy, girls...

(Helen approaches the table. Looks at them, resigned.)

HELEN: I'm afraid I have some bad news. (Bt) My deposition's been moved up a couple of days so I'll have to get right to the paperwork. (Bt) Which means I can't go out with you, today.

(Daria and Quinn glance at each other.)

DARIA & QUINN: Mmmmmmmmm... ("typical Mom")

(Amy looks understanding, but a little resigned as well.)

AMY: That's too bad, Helen. (Bt) You couldn't put it off 'til tomorrow?

(Helen gets an exasperated expression, puts her hands on her hips. "How could you even ask such a question???")

HELEN: Of course I can't put it off until tomorrow! Amy, my work is important to me, and --

(Helen walks up and stands over her. Amy eyes her warily.)

HELEN: -- it's especially important that I show Eric and the other members of my firm that I can stay ahead --

(cut to close-up Amy. rolls her eyes)

AMY: (thought voice-over) Oh God, I shouldn't have said anything.

HELEN: (off screen) -- All too often women --

(fade-out. fade-in to close-up of Amy as a baby, sitting in a high chair. zoom out to show a young Helen standing over her, lecturing in the exact same way as she is now. Amy eyes her with the exact same wary expression.)

HELEN: -- get pushed aside and ignored because men think we're not good enough --

(cut to scene of Amy, now 8 years old, standing over a sink in the foreground, brushing her teeth, while Helen lectures her in the background. Amy's hair is in ponytails like Ms. Morris's from "See Jane Run," and she wears thick glasses. Helen's in her full hippie regalia.)

HELEN: -- That's why we have to prove that we are equally as competent as those bald-headed, middle-aged, chauvinistic --

(cut to scene of Amy at her high school graduation, posing in front of the camera with her family. Helen stands at her right, with Jake beside her, lecturing. Helen has Farrah Fawcett hair, while Jake has a '70's fro and a mustache.)

HELEN: -- neanderthals, which entails us putting a little extra effort into our chosen professions --

(cut to scene of the bathroom in the Morgendorffers' old house in Highland. Amy, now in her mid-twenties, kneels over the bathtub, where little versions of Daria and Quinn are splashing each other with water. Helen sits on the toilet seat lid, lecturing.)

HELEN: -- Once they see for themselves how devoted we are, they'll accept us into their male-dominated clubs and --

(cut to close-up Amy in the foreground, Helen in the background. Some water splashes on Amy's glasses. She wears a stunned expression.)

HELEN: -- Amy, are you listening to me????

(fade-out. fade-in to the present. Amy's sitting as before, looking bored. Helen is still standing over her, lecturing.)

HELEN: Now it's been over twenty years and we're still working on it, but women --

QUINN: (off screen. exasperated) Mo-om!

(cut to close-up Quinn)

QUINN: Give it a rest, already!

(pan to Daria)

DARIA: Yeah, Mom. You've been giving this speech for as long as I can remember, and all this time, the glass ceiling hasn't budged from its comfy spot above our heads.

(cut to wide shot. Helen looks chastened. Amy smirks with sympathy and relief.)

HELEN: (flustered) Well -- I... I didn't realize... (looks sideways off screen) Jakey!

(cut to shot of Jake, walking toward them from the stairs. stops)

JAKE: Yeah?

(cut to wide shot of Helen, Amy, Daria, and Quinn)

HELEN: Why don't you take Amy and the girls out around town, today?

(cut to shot of Jake)

JAKE: Well, sure, why n-- (remembers. panic-stricken) eek -- gah! But the auto show's today!

HELEN: (off screen) Oh come on! (Bt. she walks up to him, hands still on her hips, annoyed at hubby's misplaced priorities) Surely you can miss one little auto show for your sister-in-law!

JAKE: (mumbling. despair) But they're gonna have DeLoreans there....

HELEN: (dripping with irritation) Oh Jake. (glares at him)

(cut to shot of Amy, Daria, and Quinn at the table)

AMY: It's all right, Helen. (stands)

(cut to shot of Helen and Jake. Pause. Amy walks up to them from off screen.)

AMY: I think I'll be fine with just the girls taking me out. (Bt. glances at Jake. smirks) As one who loves her car, I can't begrudge the man his auto show.

(Jake wipes his forehead.)

JAKE: Phew!

HELEN: (to Amy. mollified) Well all right, if you feel that way. But listen, Amy, (crooning tone) we're still on for tonight, just the two of us. (pats Amy's arm)

AMY: I haven't forgotten. (Bt. to Daria and Quinn) You girls ready?

DARIA & QUINN: (off screen) Yeah.

(Daria and Quinn walk on screen. Amy goes over to the door.)

HELEN: Bye, you three! Have fun! (wears a guilty expression, tries to sound cheery)

AMY: Bye. Don't break your nose on the grindstone, Helen. (opens door, leaves)

(Daria follows her.)

DARIA: See ya, Dad. (to Helen) Go get 'em, Tiger. (slips out the door)

(Quinn goes last.)

QUINN: Yeah, bye.

(Meanwhile, Helen's looking even more guilty after Amy's remark and Daria's little nickname. She suddenly shakes her head, remembers something.)

HELEN: Quinn? Wait, Quinn!

(Quinn stops. holds the door open. looks at Helen)

QUINN: (suspicious) Yeah?!

(Helen's face takes on an annoyed, yet triumphant, look.)

HELEN: (no-nonsense) Aren't we forgetting something? (Bt) Remember our deal?

(Pause. For a second, Quinn just looks at her mom with a wilted expression. Then Helen gives an insinuating nod. Pause. Quinn's face takes on a sneer of resentment. She slowly reaches into her purse and pulls out a black case. Holds it above her head, rattles it sarcastically.)

HELEN: Now put them on.

(Quinn sighs sharply, pissed off. Opens the case, takes out her glasses. puts them on. cut to close-up Helen)

HELEN: Now see, that wasn't so ba-- (sound of door slamming off screen. Helen's face falls) Hmmmm...

(cut to side close-up of Quinn. She yanks off the glasses in mid-walk, puts them in her purse. starts to sprint. cut to frontal shot of Daria walking toward car in the foreground, Quinn in the background, quickly approaching her.)

QUINN: I call shotgun!!!

(cut to a back shot of Daria, close to the front passenger seat. Quinn races past her and jumps into it. cut to side close-up Quinn smirking and buckling her shoulder belt. Daria stands in the background, giving her the evil eye. cut to shot of Amy, standing next to the car on the driver's side, staring at Quinn with a slight frown. She knows that Quinn just did a rude thing, but she also knows that if she openly takes Daria's side, she risks starting a war that could screw up the entire day. Pause. Amy finally looks at Daria.)

AMY: (sympathetic. apologetic) On the way back, Daria.

(Daria stares at Quinn, still giving her the evil eye. She slowly walks away from the passenger side seat. Pause. cut to frontal shot of Quinn, smirking contentedly. Daria slides into the back seat via the driver's side.)

DARIA: (to Quinn. irritated) Aren't you afraid of convertible hair?

QUINN: (chipper) 'Course not -- at Fashion Club meetings we practiced drills on these kinds of things 'til we found the perfect way to hold your head so you get a really cool wave!

DARIA: (sarcastic) Fascinating.

(Amy slides into the driver's seat, shuts the door.)

AMY: Okay, you two (buckles up), quit your squabblin'. (Bt) We're off. (turns key in the ignition. car purrs to life)

(cut to a slightly wider shot of the car pulling away from the curb. fade-out. fade-in to: )

SCENE 2 (drivin' around)

(Shot of car driving down a residential street. cut to close-up Amy, looking in rear view mirror. cut to shot of the mirror, in which we see part of Amy's face and Daria in the background, wearing her usual impassive expression.)

AMY: (some concern) You okay back there, Daria?

(cut to side shot of Daria in the back seat. She's brushing split ends into Quinn's hair.)

DARIA: Oh, I'm managing.

(cut to frontal shot of the three of them)

AMY: So, where to, first?

(Pause. Quinn peers out the side of the car, trying to see. She frowns, squints. cut to her POV -- everything's a blur. resume wide shot. Daria sees her difficulty, smirks.)

DARIA: (to Amy) Allow me to do the honors. (Pause. voice goes into extreme deadpan) Lawndale -- sister city of Paris. Home to celebrities recovering from various addictions...

(fade-out. fade-in to shot of the car driving past Lawndale High)

DARIA: (voice-over) ... Now here we have the local zoo. Home to the rare species of Ruttenjerkus and the Eaposaurus...

(fade-out. fade-in to shot of car driving past the tattoo parlor from "Pierce Me")

DARIA: (voice-over) ... and here we have the local art museum....

(fade-out. fade-in to shot of car driving past the arcade from "The New Kid")

DARIA: (voice-over) ... the Boy's Club....

(fade-out. fade-in to shot of car driving past alley with McGrundy's)

DARIA: (voice-over) ... and last, but not least, Coverband Central --

(cut to close-up of Daria, Amy, and Quinn in the car. Amy appears to have enjoyed the tour.)

DARIA: -- or, as it's more commonly known: House of Dreams That Have Died. (Bt) Well, that's it. That concludes our tour of Lawndale. Please stop by at the souvenir stand on your way out.

QUINN: (peeved) What?! That can't be it! There's loads more stuff to see here than that! (Pause. realizes that there isn't) Ugh.

AMY: I'll just assume this place has a vibrant nightlife. (Bt) Hey, was that a mall I saw back there?

DARIA & QUINN: (relieved) Yes!

(cut to: )

SCENE 3 (the mall -- Lawndale or Cranberry Commons... you make the call!)

(Shot of a TV screen. On it, an eagle swoops down and scoops up a rodent in its talons)

ANNOUNCER: "He stole her egg -- she crushed his skull! Psycho-mother eagles on the warpath on the next Sick Sad World!"

(SSW eyeball pops on screen. cut to wide shot, showing rows of TV's in a large store window, all with the SSW eyeball. Amy, Daria, and Quinn walk on screen. pan shot to follow them as they walk. They appear to have done quite a bit of shopping. Amy and Daria both carry bags of books, and are trading a book back and forth. Quinn's carrying several Cashman's bags. Daria glances at Quinn's purchases.)

DARIA: (to Quinn. sarcastic) Shopped out, yet?

(Bt. Quinn sniffs the air. Her face brightens.)

QUINN: Not yet!

(Letting her nose be her guide, Quinn dashes off screen. cut to a shot of a nearby cosmetics shop, with an outside display of skin cream jars. Quinn runs up to the display and takes a jar. She lifts the lid off and sniffs the inside contents. From the background, Amy and Daria approach her.)

QUINN: It's Pore-Cleansing Skin Massage from Château Pierre François!

DARIA: Well ooh-la-la.

(pan to Amy. She takes a jar, removes the lid, and sniffs.)

AMY: This stuff is really good for keeping your skin hydrated.

(Daria cocks an eyelid.)

DARIA: (to Amy. subtle disappointment) You go for this kind of thing??

AMY: (understanding, but philosophical) Daria, when you get to be my age, you start realizing the years won't keep themselves off.

(Daria shrugs an "I see your point." Amy then frowns with sudden realization and looks at Quinn.)

AMY: Uh, Quinn? (Quinn watches her expectantly.) Maybe you'd better get a few of those jars for your mother. (Bt) It's great for tension wrinkles.

(cut to: )

SCENE 4 (Morgendorffer house, same time that afternoon)

(Shot of the outside of the house. We hear Helen's voice-over. She's grumbling and muttering to herself.)

HELEN: (voice-over) Just sweeps right in... just sweeps right in....!

(cut to overhead shot of Helen sitting on the center couch of the living room, surrounded by papers. She's stooped over her legal notepad, scribbling. cut to frontal shot of Helen, frowning, scribbling, and erasing.)

HELEN: (falsetto) "Hiiiiiiii, how're yee-ooo?!"... "So nice to seeeeee you, (falsetto lapses into a grumble) it's only been a thousand years..."

(cut to close-up of the legal pad. Instead of legal notes, Helen is drawing stars and lightning bolts, the way she did when she talked to Rita in "I Don't.")

HELEN: (resumes falsetto) "Oh, but that won't stop me from stealing your kid. (cut to close-up Helen) 'Cause you see, with you she's mrrrrrrr-mrrrrrrr-mrrrrrrrr, but with me she's laaaaaa-laaaaaa-laaaaaa!" (normal voice. bitter) Honest to God, I just don't know why I bother to --

(phone rings. cut to close-up of legal pad. The lead on Helen's pencil snaps. She slams the pencil down. cut to shot of Helen. She grabs the cordless phone by her side, yells into the receiver.)

HELEN: What?!!

(Linda Griffin's on the other end. split screen diagonal)

LINDA: (triumphant snobby tone) Helen. My, you sound feisty today.

HELEN: (caught off guard, as always whenever she speaks to Linda) Uh, oh-oh, um, hi Linda!

LINDA: It isn't that time of the month, is it? (Bt) Oh, but I suppose you'd be past that stage of your life by now.

HELEN: (seething. phony laugh) Eh-heh-heh-heh. (faux enthusiasm) Well, um, gosh Linda, to what do I owe the pleasure of your call??!

LINDA: To the fact that I landed the big Stevens account, and I'm making Tom take me out to celebrate tonight. (Bt) We're going to the Blue Velvet Lounge -- and we thought we might add a little cheer to your lives by asking you and Jake to join us.

HELEN: (Pause. then:) Heh-heh-heh, well gee Linda, that's awfully nice of you, but we've got family staying over this weekend, and --

LINDA: Oh, I see. (not one for tact) Well, I understand, Helen -- family ties come first. (Bt) Maybe we can get together another time, when you've had a major achievement. If that ever happens. (hangs up. full shot of Helen)

HELEN: (still on the part about "family ties" and "get together") Well yes, yes, that sounds goooo-ah! (absorbs the last bit) What?! (holds out phone. yells into the receiver) Why you conceited bitch! Of all the nerve!!! (flings phone aside. cut to overhead shot of Helen. She looks at the ceiling, waving her fists.) Dammit Jake, why aren't you here when I need someone to yell at??!!!

(cut to: )

SCENE 5 (Pizza King, later that afternoon)

(Shot of Amy, Daria, and Quinn sitting in a booth, eating pizza. Amy's holding a slice of pizza and her glasses are fogged up from the steam. She puts the slice down and removes her glasses to wipe them off.)

AMY: The one drawback to eating pizza.

(Daria does the same thing.)

DARIA: I'll say.

(Quinn watches them. has cheeseless pizza on her plate [in case you're interested].)

QUINN: (slightly nervous) Gosh, that must get really annoying after a while.

(Daria puts her glasses back on.)

DARIA: (pointedly, to Quinn) Just the price we pay for quality vision. (looking right at her as she says this)

(Quinn laughs nervously. Amy puts her glasses back on, cocks an eyebrow at them in a perplexed manner.)

AMY: Am I missing something?

(Quinn sighs, slumps forward. Daria's smirking, of course.)

DARIA: Let's just say we have a third member of our glasses brigade.

AMY: (surprised) Quinn, you wear glasses?

QUINN: (flatly) No.

DARIA: But not because she doesn't need them. (Bt) You see, Mom and Quinn made this deal: Quinn doesn't have to wear her glasses at home -- (meanwhile, Quinn eyes her resentfully.) -- just to places where maximum vision quality is essential -- like school or the public streets. (Bt) Which, of course, means she never wears them.

QUINN: (sarcastic) Ha-ha.

AMY: Quinn, you shouldn't be ashamed to wear glasses. I mean, they're just to help you see better, not to turn you into a different person.

DARIA: (to Quinn) Funny, this sounds familiar. [*] see "Rose-Colored Lenses"

(Quinn glares at her.)

AMY: I bet you look fine. Would you mind showing me?

(Quinn glances nervously at Daria, then at Amy. hesitates, then: )

QUINN: (rushed) Um, maybe later, I have to go use the ladies' room and maybe ask the counter guy if he's got crushed ice for my soda and if he doesn't if he'll go crush some --

(Quinn slips out of the booth without another word. Amy and Daria watch her go, then exchange a "She's in denial, big time" expression.)

(cut to shot of Quinn, dashing toward the counter. from off screen: )

SANDI: Quinn!

(Quinn turns around. cut to her POV. frontal shot of the other members of the Fashion Club. cut to wide shot, Quinn approaching them)

QUINN: (trying to sound enthusiastic) Sandi, Stacy, Tiffany -- how nice to see you guys.

SANDI: (megabitch. wary) I thought you said you weren't going to shop today.

TIFFANY: You said you had family in town.

STACY: (crestfallen) Quinn, you haven't been shopping for skorts without us, have you???

QUINN: Uh, no-o, of course not. I really do have family in town, honest. (Bt) Um, you guys weren't gonna shop without me, were you?

(The F.C.'s look at each other uneasily.)

F.C: Uh no, no, 'course we wouldn't.

(Quinn gets wicked smirk on her face.)

QUINN: Good, 'cause you know as well as I do that eating before trying on clothes makes you all bloated so you end up buying sizes that are too large and it makes you look really, really, really bad.

(The F.C.'s cringe.)

F.C: Ewww.

SANDI: (flustered) Yes, well, um, Stacy wanted to get something here.

STACY: I did???

(Sandi gives Stacy her patented megabitch look. Quinn smirks triumphantly at them.)

(Pause. cut to shot of Amy and Daria sitting in the booth. from off screen: )

QUINN: Aunt Amy!

(Amy and Daria look up. cut to side shot, Quinn and the F.C.'s approaching them from off screen right. cut to frontal shot of Quinn and the F.C.'s)

QUINN: These're my friends -- Sandi, Stacy, and Tiffany. (Bt) Guys, this is Amy.

(cut to close-up Amy)

AMY: Nice to meet you.

(She frowns as the camera starts to slowly pan away. It pans down to Quinn's seat, around which several of her Cashman's bags are gathered. cut to shot of Quinn and the F.C.'s. The F.C's eye the bags moodily, then glare at Quinn. Quinn laughs nervously.)

QUINN: Oh, huh-huh, those are their bags!

(Meanwhile, Amy has an "O-kaay" expression on her face. Daria's face is impassive, unsurprised. Sandi now looks at Amy.)

SANDI: (haughty) So, Amy, you're Quinn's aunt?

AMY: (sarcastic) Uh-huh.

SANDI: So, does that, like, mean you're that girl's mother?? (points to Daria)

(Daria looks a bit startled. Amy looks stunned.)

AMY: Um, I don't --

(Quinn cuts her off with a wave of her hand, looks nervous.)

QUINN: Uh yes -- yes she's my cousin's mother. (nods her head in Daria's direction)

(Sandi cocks an eyebrow.)

SANDI: (to Amy) Really??

(Bt)

AMY: Well, actually I'm --

(cut to Amy's POV. close-up of Sandi, looking suspicious. pan to Quinn, nodding frantically. pan to Daria, who gives her the go-ahead nod. resume wide shot.)

AMY: Uh, yes. Yes I am.

SANDI: But aren't you supposed to be in jail???

(Now Amy looks really stunned. She tries to recover.)

AMY: Oh, um, I got out on good behavior.

TIFFANY: For vehicle theft and manslaughter???

(Amy gives Quinn the evil eye. Quinn lets out another nervous laugh. Then Daria looks pointedly at Amy, smirks a "We could have some fun with this." Pause. Amy comprehends, gets into her role.)

AMY: (to the F.C.'s) Yeah, well, that's just what I told the girls down at the clink. You know, to make them think I was tough so I wouldn't get thrashed by them.

(Pause. The F.C.'s look at each other. Then Stacy looks at Amy.)

STACY: (timid) So what did you do?

(Amy glances at Daria, smirking, and turns to the F.C.'s.)

AMY: We-ell, I really shouldn't say this, but you girls seem trustworthy enough. (Bt) I'm a reporter. And, because I wouldn't reveal my source in the great Mafia murder trial two years ago, I got put in jail.

(The F.C.'s look at each other again, intrigued. Quinn relaxes.)

(fade-out. fade-in to reveal a short passage of time. Quinn is sitting in the booth with Amy and Daria. The F.C.'s have pulled up chairs and are sitting around them.)

AMY: ... Well of course Bruno did it -- mobsters make it their living to kill at least three people a day before breakfast alone.

(Meanwhile, Stacy and Tiffany are hanging on Amy's every word. Sandi is impressed, but trying not to show it. She wears a cool, haughty expression.)

STACY & TIFFANY: Oh!

AMY: Bu-ut, since he'd spilled the beans on Fredo and the boys, I couldn't break my word to him. (Bt) And the rest is history.

STACY & TIFFANY: Ohhhh...

AMY: (faux maternal tone) And now my only business is picking up the shattered pieces of mine and my daughter's lives.

STACY & TIFFANY: Awwww!

AMY: (to Daria) Can you ever forgive me, honey?

(Pause)

DARIA: (faux hesitant tone) Gosh, I don't know, Mom. (Bt) I mean, look at what all your years of neglect have turned my into. (Bt. spreads out arms for emphasis. to the F.C's) I used to be on the pep squad.

STACY & TIFFANY: Oh!

DARIA: (wearing a smirk of forgiveness) Bu-ut, I guess having Mom back would be better than getting stuck with the Morgendorffers on a permanent basis. (Bt. to Amy) So I forgive you.

AMY: Oh, honey!

STACY & TIFFANY: Awwwwwww!!!

(Now Sandi glances at Quinn, smirks malevolently.)

SANDI: Gee, Quinn, that girl's mother's a lot cooler than yours.

QUINN: (glaring at her) Hey!

SANDI: (faux apologetic) Oops, sorry, I guess that was tacky.

(Amy and Daria frown.)

AMY: (to Sandi. sarcastic) Tacky -- you??? Impossible.

(Pause. Sandi eyes Amy warily. Meanwhile, Daria looks reflective.)

DARIA: Well I don't know -- Aunt Helen's led a pretty interesting life. (Bt. to the F.C.'s) Have you ever seen her mudwrestle?

(The F.C.'s look at each other, stunned.)

F.C: Huh? Mudwrestle???

DARIA: She was all-pro for about three years, 'til she decided the sport was too dirty, and that she'd be better off with just sky diving and kick-boxing.

(Stacy looks at Quinn.)

STACY: Is that true, Quinn??

QUINN: Uh, I guess.

AMY: I just love watching her kick some sorry bastard's ass in the ring.

(Stacy and Tiffany now "oooh" and "ahhhh" amongst themselves. Sandi sits there, silent and pouty from having been defeated. Quinn utters a small sigh of relief. Amy and Daria give each other congratulatory smirks for a job well done. Then Amy turns to Sandi.)

AMY: (faux friendly) So what did you say your mother does, again?

(Sandi gazes back at her, too dumbfounded to respond.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 6 (drivin' around)

(Shot of Amy and Daria driving in the car -- Quinn's stayed behind with the F.C.'s.)

AMY: Nice friends Quinn has. (Bt) I'd hate to meet her enemies.

DARIA: Yeah. (they both chuckle)

AMY: So does she always do that to you? Pretend you're her cousin?

DARIA: Not all the time. (Bt) Only when we're in public.

(Bt)

AMY: You must hate it.

(Pause)

DARIA: Well, I tell myself that it's just that stupid teenage phase we're in that makes her act the way she does. (Pause) But yeah, I hate it.

(cut to wider shot of the car pausing in a turn lane. cut to shot of Amy and Daria)

AMY: Reminds me of when I was young. (Pause) Whenever Rita and I went out somewhere, she always made me hide in the trunk of the car if we ran into one of her love interests.

DARIA: The trunk???

AMY: (bitter amusement) Yeah -- 'til one day, she forgot to open it.

(Daria's face gets a "Yikes!" expression.)

AMY: A little trip to the hospital set her priorities straight.

(Daria chuckles sympathetically. cut to wider shot of the car turning into a parking lot. cut to frontal shot of car pulling into a space.)

DARIA: So why are we stopping?

AMY: I just thought maybe you'd like to try driving this thing. (pats steering wheel)

(Daria smirks.)

DARIA: Hmmm, in anticipation that you might offer, I came prepared. (flashes contact lens case)

(cut to: )

SCENE 7 (Jane's house)

(Shot of Jane's house from the outside. cut to close-up Jane painting at a canvas, which is angled so that we can't see what's on it. A squealing sound is heard off screen. Jane cringes, then continues painting. Pause. Another squealing sound, this time louder. Jane cringes again, then continues painting. Pause. This time, a loud, prolonged squeal. Jane cringes and her paintbrush goes askew. cut to frontal shot of the canvas. Jane's been painting a still life of dead fruit -- now there's a big black streak through the center. Jane turns to face front, a slightly peeved expression on her face.)

JANE: O-kay, let's see what all the commotion's about.

(cut to a wider shot of the room. Jane goes over to the red curtains, peels one back, and looks out her window.)

JANE: Oh -- Daria's driving. (Bt) Might've known. (walks away from the window in the direction of the door)

(cut to shot of Amy and Daria in the car. Daria, now in contacts, is driving. Every half-dozen feet or so, the car screeches to a halt, producing the nasty sound Jane heard. cut to frontal close-up Amy and Daria. Daria smirks sheepishly. Amy looks amused, but a little rattled nonetheless. cut to a shot of the curb next to Jane's house. The car pulls up beside it with one final squeal. resume close-up Amy and Daria. Daria glances at Amy. Pause.)

AMY: Uh, getting better.

(Daria nods. cut to frontal shot of Jane's house. Jane has opened her front door and is now walking down the walkway to the curb. cut to a wide frontal shot of the car, side shot of Jane approaching.)

JANE: (to Amy) So, Famous Aunt, we meet again.

AMY: (smirking) Nice to see you, Partner in Crime.

DARIA: Yo, Jane: you feel like coming over to my place tonight? (Bt) Amy and my mom are going out for a little sibling bondfest.

JANE: (to Amy) You and Helen? (Bt) Think you could last an evening alone together?

AMY: I've been wondering that, myself.

(Pause. Jane shrugs her shoulders nonchalantly.)

JANE: Yeah, sure, I'm game. (Bt) Oh, and Daria -- Trent taught me that when you're driving a stick, you gotta ease up on the clutch and press down on the gas slowly to avoid spin.

(Amy looks at Jane gratefully.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 8 (Morgendorffer house, late afternoon)

(Shot of outside. We hear Jake's voice-over. cut to inside shot, showing a side close-up of Helen. She looks weary and apprehensive. cut to wider shot -- we see she's sitting on the center couch of the living room, looking toward the bay window. Jake, back from the auto show, lies on the left hand couch, gesticulating wildly. Quinn's back, too -- she sits on the right hand couch, serenely holding one new outfit after another up against her chest. The whole time, Jake's been saying: )

JAKE: ... And you wouldn't believe the number of horses it had!!! I mean, it was like driving a rocket!!! And zero to sixty in point-two seconds -- can you imagine??!! I was almost ready to get out my checkbook right then and there --

(Helen heaves a sigh.)

(cut to outside shot -- curb near the Morgendorffer house. Daria drives Amy and Jane in Amy's now quiet car up to the curb and stops. Amy glances at Jane in the back seat.)

AMY: But don't you think it'd be better if she told him how she felt without the megaphone and floodlights??

JANE: But how else is she gonna get his attention? (Bt. drill-sergeant tone) Daria, my brother's oblivious and time's running out. If you want to show him you like him you gotta move, move, move. (pounds a fist into her hand for emphasis)

(Daria and Amy start to get out of the car.)

DARIA: Look, G.I. Jane, I don't want to make an idiot of myself by yelling my feelings across a crowded room. (Bt) I suggest you go back to the drawing board.

(Jane slips out Amy's side of the car.)

JANE: (to Amy. mischievous) She'll come around.

(cut to shot of the Morgendorffer living room. cut to close-up Helen. She glares in Jake's direction. Jake's still going on about the auto show.)

JAKE: (off screen) ... and those high-powered motor scooters with the passenger side seats -- honey, wouldn't it be great if we got some for us and the girls????

(He's interrupted by the sound of the front door opening. cut to wide shot showing Amy, followed by Daria and Jane, coming through the door. Helen leans toward them. Jake sits up.)

HELEN: (in an almost too-cheery tone) Hi, girls! Did you have fun today???

(Amy, Daria, and Jane walk toward the couches. Daria stops, looks at Quinn. Quinn lays down her outfits, suddenly looking very nervous.)

DARIA: (deadpan) Oh yeah. You could say we were transformed by all the excitement.

(Meanwhile, Quinn's making little "Ix-nay" gestures at Amy. Amy nods cryptically. Jane looks at Daria.)

JANE: (hushed) Transformed, you say?

DARIA: Yeah. Let's go upstairs and I'll tell you all about it.

(They leave. Amy smiles "goodbye" to them. Helen watches them go, not understanding, not pursuing. Looks at Amy.)

HELEN: Well what about you, Amy? (Bt) Did Lawndale measure up to your expectations?

AMY: (smirking) I guess -- since I didn't have many to start with. (Bt) So I trust you got a lot of work done, Helen?

(Helen's face takes on a guilty expression. She gets ready to respond, but before she can, Amy continues talking.)

AMY: And Jake, how was the auto show?

(Jake grows wild-eyed with passion.)

JAKE: Fantastic!!! (Bt) It was more than just an auto show -- it was a fuel-powered extravaganza!!!

HELEN: (under her breath) Oh God.

JAKE: (continuing) Every type of fuel-powered vehicle was on display -- you name it, they had it!!!!!! (during this time, Amy's watching Jake with benign amusement) Motorcycles, lawnmowers, airplanes, jet skis -- (Amy's smirk suddenly fades.) Hey, Helen, what would you think if we got some of those??!!

HELEN: I'd think you should have your head examined.

(Meanwhile, Amy's remembering the promise her boyfriend asked her to make. She wears a pained, guilty expression. Pause.)

AMY: (hesitant) You know, Helen, I should --

HELEN: (at the same time) Hey, listen, Amy --

(Pause. Amy and Helen both stop talking, look at each other.)

HELEN: After you.

AMY: No, no, you go first.

(Pause. Helen sighs, stands up. She walks over and stands beside Amy.)

HELEN: I'm afraid I have some bad news. (Bt) I'm a lot more backed-up on my paper work than I thought I'd be and I don't think (pause) that I can go out with you this evening.

(Bt)

AMY: (genuinely disappointed) Aw, but Helen, it's my last night. I'm leaving tomorrow.

HELEN: I know and I am sorry, but I just don't see any way out of it. (Bt. cheery) But tomorrow we can do brunch, I promise.

AMY: (wary) Could I have that in writing?

(Pause. Helen's taken aback. She glares at Amy.)

HELEN: (resentful) Now Amy that's not fair, I have just as much right -- (interrupted by ringing of phone on the couch. Pause. flatly) Excuse me...

(She goes over to the couch and picks up the cordless phone. puts it against her ear.)

HELEN: (crooning) Hello??? (Bt) Well hi, Eric, I wasn't expecting you to --

(Suddenly, Amy reaches over and grabs the phone away. puts it against her ear.)

AMY: Hi, Eric?

HELEN: (fuming. hissing) Amy!

(She tries to grab the phone back from her. Amy turns so that the phone's out of reach.)

AMY: (continuing. rushed) I'm Amy Barksdale, Helen's sister. Listen, I'm only in town for a short time and I just wanted to let you know that before you lay another one of your little projects on Helen, I'm making her take me out tonight, understand? Knew you would. Nice talkin' to you. (Pause. cut to hyper close-up Amy's face. lowers her voice) Oh, and Eric? (Bt) Don't call again. (hangs up)

(cut to wide shot. Smirking, Amy tosses the phone to Helen. Helen's so overcome by rage and astonishment, she almost drops it. cut to shot of Jake and Quinn, wearing stunned expressions.)

JAKE: Wow...

QUINN: Gosh, Aunt Amy, you just out-Mommed Mom!

(cut to shot of Amy in the foreground, Helen in the background)

AMY: (to Quinn) Hey, when you grow up with the master of wheel and deal, you pick up a few tricks. (Bt. turns to Helen) Shall we get ready?

(Pause. Then Helen gets a slightly amused, resigned expression.)

HELEN: (weary) Sure.

END OF ACT TWO

[split screen showing Amy as a baby, having to endure one of Helen's lectures, and Amy smirking at Helen after she's just given Eric the brush-off.]

You are now entering commercial HELL. Please keep your seat belt securely fastened. You are about to see some of the lamest commercials put on television.

I call this the "Damn Prosperity Block".......

  • That commercial where the family drives its SUV through pouring rain to the beach. Like hello? Why would you go to the beach if it's raining??? You couldn't just sit around the house and rent videos? Oh no, you had to show off your SUV and endanger the lives of people who don't drive SUV's, like me. Crush, kill, destroy... is what one of those things could do to me and my car. Eek -- don't want to think about it.....

  • I can't think of a specific stock market commercial offhand, but I know they have ones for NASDAQ and for how to invest in the stock market. Naturally, their attitude is "everyone's getting rich off of the stock market and you're not, so you'd better start." Come, join the Joneses....

  • I don't think they show this one anymore, but it's always bugged me: "Are YOU ready?" Ready to go wired, that is? Yeah, maybe I am, but I resent a bunch of corporate market types telling me that the Internet is inevitable, even if it's true, and that I'm some kind of loser if I choose not to spend all my time online.

You sense a nasty coercion theme, here? Ah, capitalism......

You are now leaving commercial HELL. Aren't you happy you survived?

THE TIE THAT CHOKES

ACT THREE

SCENE 1 (Morgendorffer house, evening)

(outside shot of the house. music plays -- the old, but classic, "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun." cut to shot of Helen's darkened closet as seen from the inside. Amy's hands reach in and part the clothes straight through the middle. We see her head. She glances around, frowning mildly. cut to close-up shot of closet as seen from the outside. Amy's back is to us. She turns, looks over her shoulder.)

AMY: Um, Helen?

(cut to a wider shot, with Helen in the foreground. We see that the clothes in the closet are perfectly divided between Helen's business suits and her leisure wear.)

AMY: Don't you have any casual dress-up clothes?

HELEN: Casual -- what?

(Amy shakes her head.)

AMY: Never mind. (walks toward Helen, pats her on the arm) I'll lend you something.

(fade-out. fade-in to: )

SCENE 2 (drivin' around)

(Shot of Helen and Amy riding in Amy's car. Helen sits in the front passenger seat, wearing a leather jacket and some variety of skirt-dress. She gazes at the jacket with an expression of wonder, and fingers it as if to say, "So this is what one of these things looks like!" Amy's driving. Up to this point in the episode, we've only seen her in variations of the same jeans-sweater-glasses combo. But now, she's one hundred percent "da bomb" -- her glasses are off, and she's wearing an outfit similar to Helen's.)

AMY: (smirking) So where to?

HELEN: Do you have a preference?

AMY: Well, the girls pretty much gave me the whirlwind tour, so I don't know of any place offhand.

HELEN: Well all right, then, let me see. (Pause. tries to think of suitably "hip" places to go) There's..... well, there's..... or there's..... um, Chez Pi-- ugh, no. (scrunches nose. Amy glances at her with amusement. finally Helen sighs) You know, I don't think I ever took the time to get to know this town.

AMY: Office, car, home, is that it?

(Helen glances at her with a "yeah, yeah, you have a point" expression.)

AMY: Well, we'll play it by ear, live on the edge.

HELEN: (scoffing, amused) The edge? Hmph -- in Lawndale??

(Helen and Amy share a chuckle, then glance at each other as if to say, "This might not be so bad.")

(fade-out. fade-in to shot of car stopping at a stoplight. On the corner there's a cafe. cut to close-up shot. It's Cafe Lawndale from "Cafe Disaffecto," revamped since its last disastrous outing. Painted on the window in bright colors is a list of desserts offered. At the bottom -- Flan. cut to close-up Helen and Amy in the car. Amy's reading the list. sees last word, face brightens.)

AMY: Flan! I haven't had that since I was a kid.

(Helen looks at Cafe Lawndale and frowns.)

HELEN: (to herself) Funny, I thought they shut this place down....

(Amy turns to Helen.)

AMY: So what d' you say, Helen? How 'bout doing dessert before dinner?

(Helen twists her hands with indecisiveness.)

HELEN: (hesitant) Well, I don't know...

(Amy gets a knowing smirk on her face.)

AMY: Oh, come on -- live a little. (Bt) I think you used to tell me that in your madcap hippie days.

(Helen rolls her eyes in an amused manner -- Amy knows just the right buttons to press.)

HELEN: All right, fine. (Bt) I guess it couldn't hurt......

(cut to: )

SCENE 3 (Cafe Lawndale)

(close-up shot of the door from the inside. Amy enters, walks straight ahead off screen. Helen follows. She pauses, glances to the right. pan to show an armed guard standing stiffly at attention next to the door. cut to wide shot of Helen and the guard. Helen gasps.)

HELEN: Oh my --! (claps a hand to her mouth)

AMY: (off screen) Hey, Helen!

(cut to shot of Amy standing off to the side, surveying the room. In the background are a bunch of small round tables, occupied by a mixed crowd of young and old. They cluster around a stage -- which we know from our first encounter with Cafe Lawndale. Amy points to an unoccupied table near the stage.)

AMY: Up there looks like a good spot.

(fade-out. fade-in to show close-up of the stage, a microphone in the foreground. From off screen right, we see Brittany walk on stage, clutching a sheet of paper. She goes up to the mike.)

BRITTANY: (sound of throat-clearing) Hgm-hgm. (The microphone gives an ear-piercing shriek. Pause) A poem. By Brittany Taylor.

(cut to frontal shot of Amy and Helen watching. Amy sits on the left, Helen on the right. From off screen, a waiter appears and serves them two plates of round, yellow, jiggling custard -- flan. return to shot of Brittany. She reads from the sheet of paper and twirls a lock of hair.)

BRITTANY: What is a flower? (Bt) Is it, um, like a pink thingy with pretty petals? (Pause) Or, um, is it like a, um, something a certain guy was s'posed to give you but he didn't 'cause he, like, forgot and now you think he's a big stupid jerk and you never wanna see him again! (Pause) Um, The End. (Pause. looks off screen. spacy cheerful) How was that, Kevvy?!

KEVIN: (off screen) Good one, babe!

(cut to shot of Amy and Helen, both frowning a "what was that??")

AMY: Ugh. I guess that's what passes for poetry these days.

HELEN: (muttering) I guess.

(Amy glances at Helen's plate. She's already managed to work her way through some of her flan, but Helen's remains untouched and jiggling.)

AMY: So, how's your flan?

(Pause. Helen touches a spoon to the surface and watches, disconcerted, as the flan jiggles uncontrollably. She finally rolls her eyes with frustration.)

HELEN: I'll tell you when it stands still long enough for me to taste it. (Bt. sigh) Now I know why I stopped eating this stuff after childhood.

(She and Amy both chuckle. then an awkward pause. Both glance down at their plates, then gaze at each other shyly.)

AMY: Helen, um, I --

HELEN: (at the same time) I just wanted to --

(They both stop, smile, and nod. briefly look down again, then at each other.)

AMY: Well as I was --

HELEN: (at the same time) You know I wish --

(They stop again, smile, and this time chuckle with embarrassment. Helen smirks wryly.)

HELEN: I wish we could talk to each other in complete sentences.

(Amy wears an understanding and slightly wistful smirk.)

AMY: Well, let's face it: we haven't talked to each other often enough to build a rapport...

(cut to shot of the stage. Kevin is ambling toward the microphone. cut to frontal shot of Helen and Amy)

AMY: (continuing) I mean, we were born ten years apart. We've never had that much in common. (Bt) Other than the fact that we both resent the hell out of Rita.

HELEN: (wicked) That alone could keep us in conversation for decades.

(cut to shot of the stage. Kevin, wearing his usual goofy grin, taps the mike. The mike shrieks. cut to close-up the armed guard. The guard winces. resume previous shot of Kevin.)

KEVIN: Um, like, my poem is, like, this cool epic poem I wrote about knights and dragons and, like, army tanks 'n' stuff. I call it: "Ratboy Kicks Shakespeare's Ass!" (Bt) True story.

(Kevin starts to read the poem. voice fades into the background. cut to frontal shot of Helen and Amy. Both are frowning, wrinkling their noses. Then Helen sighs.)

HELEN: (resigned) Well, you're right, we don't know a lot about each other. (Bt) You know my kids better than you know me.

(Pause. Amy leans toward Helen, wears a knowing smirk.)

AMY: (gently amused) Listen, Helen, I didn't want to say anything before, but I've been getting the vibe from you since I arrived --

(Helen claps a hand to her forehead, mortified.)

HELEN: Ugh, is it that obvious?!

(Bt. Amy's face takes on an awed, somewhat triumphant look.)

AMY: At first I didn't know what it was. (Bt) You've never been jealous of me before.

(muffled booo's heard off screen. cut to brief shot of the stage. Kevin's rambling on about nonsense. A couple of people have thrown things at him. cut to close-up Helen and Amy. Helen is still embarrassed and resigned.)

HELEN: Well, what do you expect? (Bt) You visit us for the first time in years and Daria falls all over you. (Bt. bitter) Whereas I bust my butt every day trying to be a good parent, and I'm lucky if she gives me a lukewarm compliment every blue moon.

AMY: (sympathetic) Helen, I think there's something you have to keep in mind: I'm Daria's aunt, not her mother. (Bt) Were you nice to Mom when you were her age?

HELEN: (admitting) No.

(Amy shakes her head.)

AMY: Neither was I. (Bt) Look, it's just a phase she's going through. She and Quinn will both grow out of it.

(sound of booo's, this time louder. cut to shot of the stage. Kevin's getting pelted by napkins, ashtrays, coffee cups -- you name it. He's cowering and trying to dodge them. Finally, he shrieks and runs offstage. People cheer. cut to close-up Helen and Amy, amused.)

AMY: This is better than the circus.

(Bt)

HELEN: (returning to their subject of conversation. sighs) Yes, you do make a good point. (Bt) I guess I just have to be more patient with Daria.

AMY: You're a good mom, Helen -- I'm sure of it. (Bt) I mean, in spite of whatever teenage hang-ups they have, Daria and Quinn are both great kids.

(Helen smiles gratefully.)

HELEN: Well thanks for the vote of confidence. (Bt. wry) You know, for someone who's single and childless, you sure seem to know a lot about child-rearing.

(Amy smirks, flattered.)

AMY: Thanks. You're not so bad, yourself. (Pause. she glances down briefly, suddenly shy again.) Um, Helen?

HELEN: What is it, sweetie?

AMY: Remember that guy you spoke to on the phone last week? Well he's -- (interrupted by a loud, nearby voice off screen: )

UPCHUCK: Laaaaaaaaaaaadies!!!

(Amy and Helen's eyes widen, startled. cut to shot of Upchuck on the stage, arms curled around the microphone. Upchuck leans toward them and does his little tongue rattle. cut to close-up Helen and Amy. They look at each other, horrified. return to shot of Upchuck. He peers around the room mischievously at all of the women.)

UPCHUCK: Tonight's your lucky night, gals! (Bt) The Chuckster's in a hooow-oooool, and I'm looking for someone to spread the love with. (Bt. leans toward Amy.) Especially you, Curly-haired! I hope you love younger men as much as I dig older women! (gyrates his hips)

(cut to close-up Amy. expression of disgust. turns toward Helen)

AMY: (hushed voice) Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

(pan to Helen, her dish of untouched flan poised in her hand.)

HELEN: (briskly) I'm way ahead of you.

(cut to wide shot of Helen and Amy. Amy cocks an eyebrow seductively at Upchuck. cut to close-up Upchuck)

UPCHUCK: Grrrrrrrrrrrr... Feisty!!!

(cut to wide shot of him jumping off the stage. cut to shot of him coming toward Amy. cut to close-up Amy, still wearing her seductive look. cut to side close-up Upchuck. He does his tongue rattle. Suddenly, from off screen left, the dish of flan splatters in his face. cut to a wider shot. Helen is leaning forward, holding the empty plate. Upchuck reels backward, gasping. Amy watches with amusement and appreciation. Sounds of clapping and cheering are heard off screen. pan over the audience. People are standing up, clapping, shouting, and waving their arms. cut to close-up the armed guard. He's clapping. cut to shot of Helen, pleased and surprised by the response. She has one hand against her chest as if to say, "Who, me?!" She glances at Amy. Amy's clapping, too. cut to wide overhead shot of the clapping room, a staggering Upchuck, and Helen taking a bow.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 4 (parking lot of Cafe Lawndale)

(Shot of Amy's car in the foreground, door to the cafe in the background. cut to close-up of the door. Amy and Helen come out, smirking at each other.)

AMY: Great execution, Helen! You got him right smack on his weasely little nose.

HELEN: Well you weren't too bad, yourself, with your "come and get it" expression.

(Pause. cut to close-up shot of car. Helen stands beside the passenger side, while Amy stands beside the driver's side, poised to open the door.)

HELEN: Who'd've guessed we could work so well together?

AMY: Yeah, who knew? (Pause. frowns an amused "what's up?") Helen? (Bt) What are you thinking??

(Helen wears a wicked, reflective expression on her face.)

HELEN: I'm wondering whether Linda and Tom Griffin are still at the Blue Velvet Lounge.

AMY: Who?

HELEN: My arch-nemesis and her husband.

(Amy cocks a brow.)

AMY: Arch-nemesis? Sounds intriguing.

HELEN: (crafty) Oh believe me, it will be. (Bt) Say, Amy: how would you like to help me teach this woman a lesson?? (Bt) Care to do a little playacting??

AMY: Why not? I've been getting a lot of practice, today.

HELEN: What???

(Amy opens car door, shakes her head.)

AMY: Uh, nothing. (Bt) Listen, you fill me in on the details, and I'll take it from there.

(cut to: )

SCENE 5 (Blue Velvet Lounge)

(outside shot. cut to inside shot, close-up Linda Griffin, sitting in a high-backed chair. She's talking and wearing her usual sunny expression.)

LINDA: ...And then he said, "Linda, a bonus of five thousand? No-no-no. I insist you take nothing less than ten thousand for your efforts."

(cut to wider shot. Tom's sitting in the opposite chair.)

TOM: Well that's just --

(Linda cocks a brow.)

LINDA: Tom, don't interrupt.

TOM: (cowering) Sorry.

LINDA: (continuing) And so I told him, "Stewart, if that's how you feel, how can I --

(voice fades into the background. cut to shot of Amy and Helen, standing near the front entrance, observing. Amy's brows are furrowed in a "there's something familiar about her" manner. She finally shakes her head, turns to Helen.)

AMY: You're right. The bitch vibes are strong on this one.

HELEN: (crafty) Think you can handle her?

AMY: (smirking) I'll see what I can do.

(cut to shot of Linda and Tom. Linda's still talking.)

LINDA: ... And before I knew it, he was giving me luxury box seating at the football stadium. I said "Stewart, what do I look like???" And so he gave me a box at the baseball stadium as well. I mean, if I hadn't stopped him, he probably would've -- (interrupted by the sound of laughter off screen)

(Linda frowns. Tom looks stunned. cut to shot of the two of them, zoom through to show Amy sitting at the table next to theirs. She lounges in her chair, staring at them and smirking. cut to wider shot. Linda glares at Amy.)

LINDA: Something amuses you???

AMY: Oh, I was just remembering the good old days. (Bt) Listening to you brings me back to when I was starting out in business.

LINDA: What do you mean, starting out??!

(Amy's face takes on a faux incredulous look.)

AMY: Well, aren't you a beginner?

(cut to hyper close-up Amy's face. She glances in Tom's direction, raises an eyebrow seductively. resume wider shot. Tom's mouth drops open. Linda sees this, then looks at Amy, her eyes practically shooting knives.)

LINDA: No, I am not a beginner. I'm with the Lawndale Businesswomen's Alliance, for your information. (Bt) I don't remember seeing you at any of our meetings.

AMY: (unfazed) Oh, right. That's for Lawndale businesswomen, isn't it?

LINDA: Hence the name.

(Amy pauses, as if thinking.)

AMY: Well, I guess technically I'm a Lawndale businesswoman. (Bt) But, when you divide your time between a flat in London, a house on the Riviera, and a loft in New York, Lawndale suddenly seems a little... (wicked) insignificant.

(As she says this, Linda's teeth are bared. She looks like she's ready to pounce on Amy.)

LINDA: Oh really??!!

AMY: (still placid as ever) Besides, I've always thought Lawndale businesswomen were, well -- let's just say I've heard they wear the pants in the family, if you know what I mean.

(Glances in Tom's direction. cut to hyper close-up of Amy's lips. She runs her tongue across the top lip. resume wider shot. Tom falls forward, gasping, his tongue hanging out of his mouth. Linda sees this and now becomes fully enraged. She springs up out of her chair and heads over to Amy's table. cut to Amy's POV. Linda stands over her, hands on her hips, menacing expression.)

LINDA: What is it you do again??!!!

(Amy pauses briefly to consider -- she and Helen hadn't rehearsed this part.)

AMY: Uh, what you do, (smirks) only better.

(cut to shot of Linda from Amy's POV)

LINDA: Why you -- !!!

(cut to wide shot. Linda starts to lurch toward Amy, arms outstretched. Amy looks a bit worried. from off screen: )

HELEN: Amy, there you are!

(Linda pauses. Helen enters the shot, places her hands on Amy's shoulders.)

HELEN: (cheery. affectionate) Well hi, Linda, I see you've met my little sister. She's such a kidder, isn't she??? She does this all the time at parties!

(Linda straightens up, looks at Amy, dumbfounded.)

LINDA: So you're not --?

(Amy shakes her head.)

AMY: Nope. (Bt) I don't even live here.

(Linda's now recovered. She tries to sound civil.)

LINDA: Oh, I see. (Pause) So you're Helen's sister, are you?

AMY: 'Fraid so.

(Bt)

LINDA: Hmm. (Bt) I guess it's finally nice to meet that girl's mother.

(Helen removes her hands from Amy's shoulders. Amy suddenly looks a bit pale.)

HELEN: (to Linda. confused) What do you mean? What girl's mother?

LINDA: The one with the glasses.

(Pause. Amy looks very uneasy. Helen gazes down at her with a dark frown.)

HELEN: (muttering) Daria?

LINDA: If that's what her name is.

(Amy tries to chuckle. makes "Ix-nay" gestures.)

AMY: Oh no, you must've misunderstood, somehow. (Bt) I'm Daria and Quinn's aunt. I'm just here for the weekend.

(Linda raises an eyebrow bitchily.)

LINDA: My Sandi never misunderstands anything.

(Pause)

AMY: (weakly) Sandi. (Bt) Quinn's friend. (Bt) She's... your... daughter?

HELEN: (to Amy. faux sweetness) That's how Linda and I met.

(If looks could kill, Amy would have died about five times by now. She smirks nervously.)

AMY: Oh.

(Helen and Amy gaze at each other -- Helen wearing a vicious expression, Amy nervous and apologetic. Linda watches them. She doesn't know what happened, but somehow knows she's won. Smirks victoriously.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 6 (driving home)

(Shot of the car, with its top up, driving through the darkened streets. cut to frontal shot of Helen and Amy inside. Amy drives, wearing a solemn expression. Helen sits with her arms folded, frowning darkly, looking toward the window. Amy glances at Helen.)

AMY: Helen, I --

HELEN: Just don't talk to me, Amy!!!

(Pause. Amy glances at Helen, tries again.)

AMY: (subdued. concerned) Helen, I don't understand what you're so upset about.

(Helen throws her hands in the air, looks at Amy with a disgusted expression.)

HELEN: (dripping sarcasm) Oh you don't, do you??!! (Bt) Well let me see -- first there's the fact that you humiliated me in front of my arch-nemesis --

AMY: Actually, I think you --

(Helen glares full-on at her.)

HELEN: -- Then there's the fact that you told me a bunch of lies at the cafe earlier this evening!

(Pause. Amy glances at Helen questioningly.)

HELEN: You told me I was a good mother. (falsetto) "Oh you're a good mother, Helen!" (normal voice. bitter. hurt) When in fact you knew all along that Daria preferred you over me.

(Pause. Amy shakes her head.)

AMY: Helen, you've got it all wrong. That's not how it was. (Bt) Daria, Quinn, and I were playing a little game this afternoon --

HELEN: (bristling) What game?! "Reject Mom"?!!

AMY: No. (Bt) Quinn was pretending to her friends that Daria was her cousin. (Bt) I played along, though I've been regretting it ever since.

(Pause. Helen looks slightly placated.)

AMY: (continuing) Look, Daria stuck up for you. You should've heard some of the things she thought up --

(Helen gets enraged all over again.)

HELEN: Thought up??! Ohhhh, you mean she had to make up good things to say about me??!!

(Amy heaves a big sigh.)

AMY: No, that's not it. (Bt) Listen, I'm sorry I didn't mention all this sooner, but (pause) I didn't feel it was my place to get involved in you guys's personal lives.

HELEN: (mutters) Didn't feel it was your place to get involved... (sharp laugh) ha! Well there's the Amy Barksdale catchphrase if ever I heard it!

(Pause. Amy frowns.)

AMY: (anger creeping in) What's that supposed to mean??

HELEN: (cutting sarcasm) It means that you're not exactly the giving type, Amy. (Bt) You close yourself off from everyone around you -- no family, no relationship, and probably no friends, unless you count that Steve fellow.

(During this speech, Amy's frowning darkly.)

HELEN: (continuing) In short, you're about the last person Daria should look up to as a role model!!

(Pause)

AMY: (sarcastic. angry) Oh, and I suppose you'd rather she be a stressed-out, overbearing, insecure, nut case like you.

HELEN: (bristling) Now you just hold on a minute there -- !

AMY: No you hold on, Helen!

(cut to overhead shot of the car. It screeches to a halt to emphasize Amy's rage... and because she and Helen at a stoplight. resume shot of Helen and Amy in the car. Amy turns to face her.)

AMY: For your information, I do have a relationship. (Bt) My boyfriend, Joel, and I have been going out for over two years.

(Pause)

HELEN: (calmed down, but still scornful) Well you'd certainly never know it.

(Amy utters a sharp laugh.)

AMY: Yeah. That's because I don't want him exposed to you. (Bt) You and Rita and Mom, you're all crazy!

(Pause. Helen looks chastened.)

AMY: (continuing) And as for you and Daria, I'm sorry your relationship isn't any better, but whatever's the problem, it's between you and her. Leave me out of it.

(Pause. Amy lapses into silence, and she and Helen just sit there. cut to wider shot of the car. We see another car in back. It gives two loud honks. Then a guy leans out the window, shaking his fist.)

GUY: Hey! Move it or lose it, ladies!

(resume close-up Helen and Amy. Helen bristles, then leans out her window and shakes a fist back at him.)

HELEN: Oh will you shut up, you misogynistic neanderthal??!! Honest to God, are all the men in this town -- ??!!

(Amy looks at her.)

AMY: (flatly) Helen. (Bt) The light.

(Helen turns around and faces front.)

HELEN: Huh??

(cut to shot of the stoplight. It's green. cut to frontal shot Helen and Amy. Helen settles back in her seat.)

HELEN: Oh. (Bt. grumble) Just drive.

AMY: (icy sarcastic) Gee, the thought never occurred to me.

(She hits the gas hard, producing the nasty squealing sound Daria was making earlier. cut to overhead shot of car. They leave.)

(fade-out. fade-in. A short time has passed. The car is now traveling down residential streets, not far from home. frontal shot of Amy and Helen reveals that they are angry and silent. Finally Helen breaks the silence: )

HELEN: (quiet. admitting) All right, so it's not your fault Daria and I don't have a better relationship. (Bt) But you know what? It's not my fault, either. (Bt. voice rising) And dammit, I am sick and tired of her hiding behind her sourpuss façade and her "I'm a teenager" excuse to avoid showing me any respect or-or affection!

(long Pause. Then Amy glances in Helen's direction.)

AMY: (quiet) Maybe you should tell her that.

(cut to: )

SCENE 7 (Morgendorffer house, night)

(Music plays. shot of the upstairs hallway and Daria's door. From off screen left, Helen walks up and stands beside it. She pauses for a while, twisting her hands together, wondering whether to knock.)

(cut to shot of Quinn's door from the inside. We hear the sound of hard knocking. cut to shot of Quinn, lying on her stomach on the bed, in such a way that she faces the door. She's doing her nails.)

QUINN: Come (sound of door flying open) in? (She looks up, cowers a little.)

(cut to Quinn's POV. Helen is standing over her, glaring.)

HELEN: (bristling) Quinn, come Monday morning or maybe sooner, I want you to march right up to your friends and tell them the truth about Daria being your sister!

(cut to close-up Quinn. stunned)

QUINN: But --

(cut to shot of Helen from Quinn's POV)

HELEN: No excuses! (Bt) Oh, and if I find out that you haven't been wearing your glasses like you were supposed to, I'll start sending you to school with an au pair! You got me?!

(cut to close-up Quinn.)

QUINN: (sound of gasping) Hgh. (her expression is a mixture of shock and betrayal)

(cut to: )

SCENE 8 (outside the Morgendorffer house, next morning)

(Shot of the house. cut to close-up of the driveway, where Amy's car is now parked. Daria stands unobtrusively in the background, beside the hood, while Amy walks up to the driver's side in the foreground. She's followed by Jake, who's dragging her cumbersome bag behind him. Amy looks at Jake.)

AMY: Need a hand, Jake?

JAKE: (sounding winded) Oh no, no, I'm fine. (lays the bag on the ground, straightens up, and brushes his hands together) Well, it was nice havin' you here, Amy. (Bt. suddenly looks sheepish) I'm sorry about Helen -- terrible migraine, hit her real sudden. (says it like he doesn't quite believe it.)

(Amy nods.)

AMY: I understand. These things happen.

JAKE: I'm sure she'd be out here if she could. (awkward Pause. finally leans over to lift the bag.) Well... allee-oop! (tosses the bag into the back seat. cringes) Gah! (grabs his back.)

AMY: (concerned) Jake?

(Jake rubs his back, straightens up a little.)

JAKE: (voice a bit falsetto) I'm fine, I'm fine.

AMY: You sure? (Jake nods rapidly, a pained look on his face. Amy smiles.) Look, thanks for everything.

JAKE: My pleasure. (Bt. can't keep the pain at bay. winces) Now if you don't mind, I gotta go find some painkillers! (starts to leave)

AMY: Yeah, you do that. (Bt) Oh, and Jake?

(He turns to look at her.)

JAKE: Uh-huh?

(Bt)

AMY: I think you'd do great on a jet ski.

(Jake's face brightens.)

JAKE: Aw, gee, really?! (starts to straighten, then winces) Gah!!! (hobbles off screen)

(Amy winces and waves goodbye to Jake. Meanwhile, Daria, who's been observing all this, walks up to Amy and stands beside her.)

DARIA: Think your car'll hold up after the workout it's had the past few days? (pats the car door)

AMY: (looking down at the car fondly) Yeah. But I plan to give her a long rest after I get back. (Pause. slightly disappointed) So Quinn's not coming out to say goodbye, I take it?

(Daria shakes her head.)

DARIA: (sympathetic) Nope. She's pretty mad. (Bt) But don't worry: I'm sure hell will freeze over soon.

(Amy forces a slight chuckle. Pause.)

DARIA: So what happened with you and Mom?

(Pause)

AMY: I don't really want to talk about it.

(Daria shrugs an "Understood". Pause.)

AMY: Well listen (leans over to hug Daria) you take care of yourself, okay? (draws back) Tell all those idiots who act like you're not worth their time to shove it.

(Daria chuckles.)

DARIA: I will.

(cut to shot of Amy from Daria's POV. She opens the car door, is poised to climb in.)

AMY: It won't last, you know. That stuff with Quinn and her friends. Eventually you'll get past it. (Pause) You'll get past everything. (last sentence has a slightly hollow ring to it)

(Amy climbs into her car. cut to high overhead shot showing the driveway and front lawn -- as seen from a window. resume close-up Amy and Daria. Amy shuts the car door, leans toward Daria.)

AMY: Hey, do me a favor -- be nice to your mom, okay?

DARIA: (not fully understanding) Um, okay.

(cut to slightly wider shot of Daria and Amy. Amy starts her car. the motor purrs. She backs out of the driveway. Daria waves.)

DARIA: Bye, Aunt Amy.

(cut to close-up Amy, now straightening her car out in the street, preparing to take off. She waves back.)

(Music plays. cut to shot of Helen standing at her bedroom window, her back to us. She's been watching this entire scene. She now turns to the side, and we can see that her face is deeply melancholy. Pause. cut to side angle of Amy driving away. cut to close-up Amy. She wears the same melancholy expression. cut to close-up Daria, her back to us, watching Amy go.)

THE END [roll the credits......................... end song: "Brick" by Ben Folds Five -- "She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly..."]

A moment of silence...

Okay, now we can get down to business. COMMENTARY (Warning, warning -- it's loooooong! Get your peepers ready...)

First, the question that's probably on everyone's mind: why Joel? Aw, come on -- did you honestly think that "da bomb" wouldn't be dating anyone?????? It'd be weird if Amy didn't have some variety of "significant other." Besides, I felt that by giving Amy a boyfriend, I was adding an extra dimension to her life. I wanted it to seem like she had her own stuff going on, like her purpose in life wasn't to sit by the phone and wait for Daria to call her. However, for those of you who can't stand the thought of "da bomb" being spoken for, I'll hint that there's a wee bit of trouble in paradise...

Secondly, you're probably wondering: why did Amy go so easy on Quinn? You could debate into next season (since we know she's not coming back in Season 3) whether Amy would have really let Quinn take shotgun in her car. I almost thought of leaving that part out, because I worried that people who see Amy as Daria's defender might feel betrayed. But then I thought, "Nah!" Here's my take on the subject:

I don't see any strong reason why Amy would be against Quinn. Sure, she would disapprove of most of what Quinn stands for, and sure she'd favor Daria, but it's not as though Quinn poses a threat to her. Hostility would be understandable if Amy's life while growing up had been an exact mirror of Daria's (i.e. popular and bratty younger sister), but it wasn't. Whatever hostility Amy may feel, it seems she'd be more likely to channel it toward her own sisters (which she does in Act III) than toward their kids. I'm saying, in a nutshell, that Amy is somewhat distanced from Quinn, so she can afford to be "above it all" and act as the mediator in Quinn and Daria's conflicts, as opposed to taking an active role. That's what happened in this case: Quinn called shotgun and got to the car faster than Daria; technically, she did nothing wrong. Amy knows that she did do something wrong, but she figures that it's such a minor issue, it wouldn't be worth it to "screw up the entire day" by harping on it.

Plus, maybe it's just my personal prejudice, but I feel that if you're really a cool aunt, no matter how much you favor one of your nieces, you're not going to fawn all over her and scorn her sister. "Hey, it's my favorite niece... and that other one." The same logic applies to Amy's relationship with Jake. Yeah, Jake can be annoying, but he's done nothing to earn her disdain.

Now, another question that comes to mind: would Quinn dig Amy? The same answer applies: I don't see why she wouldn't. The only things Quinn could object to are that Amy's "old" and that she doesn't know how to dress -- and that second one could pretty much apply to anybody. In spite of Quinn's aversion to her "geeky" family, she seems to accept that she has to do "family stuff" (see "The Teachings of Don Jake," "I Don't," etc.), like spend the weekend with an aunt instead of with her friends. Besides, Amy's got a convertible! :-)

All this talk about would Amy or wouldn't Amy brings me to a crucial point: thus far on "Daria," we've seen two Amy's. First we saw the caustic one from "I Don't," then the much more laid-back one from "Through a Lens Darkly." While writing this fanfic, I took my cue from TALD. Because Amy was in her home environment there, I figured that for the most part, she's probably pretty mellow -- unless she has to deal with her whole family at a major event, like a wedding or a funeral (eh, C.E.?). I also figured that if she were the mellow type, she'd be more likely to mediate in a conflict than take sides (even if while doing so, she mentally pelted one of the parties with stinging remarks).

Overall, I wanted to portray Amy as just a regular human being with her own issues and hang-ups -- someone who was in Daria's corner and could lend her support, but who, at the same time, was not Daria's mirror image, nor her savior.

That brings me to Helen. I wanted to explore relationships Amy might have with people other than Daria, and to me, her relationship with Helen is loaded with tension and juicy potential. If Amy comes to play a greater role on "Daria" (and we don't know, dammit!), my feeling is that a clash between her and Helen is inevitable. After all, Helen wants to be "super-parent"; she's spent the past 2.5 seasons chiseling away at Daria's rock-hard shell, and is finally starting to make some headway (see "Monster," "Write Where it Hurts," and, arguably, "Through a Lens Darkly"). Naturally, if she saw Amy effortlessly cut through to Daria's inner core, her hyper-competitive spirit would be inflamed. While portraying the clash that I think will happen between Helen and Amy, I also wanted to bring to the surface some feelings that Helen must surely harbor within: namely, resentment toward Daria for her lack of gratitude. Helen's attempts to "help" Daria are often misguided, but she at least keeps on trying with every episode, and only rarely does Daria acknowledge this.

In fact, in my follow-up episode to "The Tie That Chokes," I plan to explore Daria's convoluted relationship with Helen...

Eek -- I will say, the hardest part of writing TTTC was doing Act III, which is almost all Helen and Amy. It required imagining what their rapport would be like if they were alone together, and, gasp, how Helen would behave if she were forced to have a little fun. Actually, neither turned out to be as difficult as I expected; in the case of Helen and fun, I just decided to make her act as though it were an exotic world that she was getting to see for the first time. Oooooooh...

Okay, you've managed to wade through my analysis. I appreciate it. :-) Now here are some points of interest:

  • Amy's age -- The general consensus is that she hasn't reached forty yet, so she's got to be at least eight years younger than Helen. I would guess that she and Helen are eight to twelve years apart -- no more. Otherwise, I seriously doubt that Amy would be able to remember what Helen was like as a "child." Ten years was the median age, so in this fanfic I went with it...

  • art appraiser -- I just got the idea from glancing at Amy's living room in TALD. She seemed to have a lot of nice artwork, etc., so I thought, "Why not make her an art appraiser??!" Hey, it set up some pretty good lines, didn't it?

  • dad in the army and the son -- There is no basis in the episodes to suppose that Helen and Amy's dad was in the army, but it seemed like a nice touch. The same applies to their dad wishing Amy had been a boy -- it sort of makes sense, doesn't it? If you've already got two girls, and another kid's on the way years after you've had the last one, wouldn't you assume it was a boy (especially if you were a phallocentric army guy, hee-hee)???

  • flan -- That came to me courtesy of an episode of "Sabrina the Teenage Witch." Seemed less conventional than pie. Oh, and in case you're interested, it's pronounced "flahn," not "flaghn."

  • cars, cars, cars -- Hey, if you want to go really deep with this fanfic, consider the car motif. I kept noticing, as I was writing, that I made several references to cars. There's Brian and his "damn Range Rover," Jake and his auto show, and Amy and her convertible. I wasn't thinking of what they symbolized when I mentioned them, but now that I look, all of the references seem to form a strange, symmetrical tapestry. In the beginning, Daria criticizes Brian for avoiding their company because he was so obsessed with his car. At the end, Amy drives away in her car, melancholy and alone. In between, cars help build relationships and they help break up relationships. Heck, I dreamed up Jake's auto show primarily as an excuse to get him out of the way so Amy, Daria, and Quinn could pull off their little ruse -- yet somehow it fit!

  • Okay, a pet peeve -- Since this is an Amy fanfic, I had to mention the one thing that really bothered me about her appearance in TALD. During the time she's giving the speech to Daria about contact lenses, she gets up and walks across the room... for no reason!!! I mean, I know the animators had to keep her from becoming a talking head, but couldn't they have made her go across the room to look at something??? Or, better yet, why not just have her shift around on the couch, examining her glasses??? Stuff like that's just always bothered me, and I had to get it off my chest. Thank you. :-)

    • I have a new game for those of you who are still reading. In the "Rose-Colored Lenses" postscript, I suggested that people count the number of "Um's" if they were ever bored on a rainy day. I didn't seriously think anyone would try... yet C.E. Forman took me up on the challenge. Way to go! Told me there were 29 "Um's" and one "Umm." Cool, C.E. -- for your prize, you get to be mentioned in my postscript (a few times, actually, tee-hee). Now for the new game: How many times do people smirk in this episode? And who smirks the third-most???

    I also have to call attention to a new feature I added to the commercials: Next Wednesday on the Ten Spot. With each fanfic, I intend to use this section to give a few hints about the fanfics to come...

    And last but not least, thanks so much to all you guys at Lawndale Commons who gave me geographical clues about Lawndale. Let's see: it was Martin Pollard, Bob Marley, and Emily Rosen, wasn't it? Sorry if I left anyone out! And thanks, Guy Payne, for giving me some clues about vision for "Rose-Colored Lenses" (sorry I didn't mention you last time!)...

    blah, blah, blah, blah, blah....... if you're not blind by now, thanks for reading!

    This fanfic is the property of Kara Wild, copyright May 1999. All rights reserved.