Dear People of Niceland,
Hi, Nicelanders! It's me, Q*Bert. Just thought I'd write a letter to you seeing how no one can't understand a word I'm saying. I hear you've been having some trouble lately. Ralph's went crazy and ruined your cake for the 30-year anniversary party for the Fix-It Felix, Jr. game that my co-stars and I were not invited to. I guess that invitation got lost in the mail or I, good friend to Felix for 30 years, just sort of slipped your mind. Now aside from that and the question of why Felix didn't just fix the cake with his hammer, I'd like to ask you something… Why didn't you invite Ralph? It's cause he's the villain, I know, but seriously, he's kind of an important part of the game. But you know something? I'm the only good guy in my game and I get along just fine with the villains, Coily, Ugg, Wrong-Way, Slick, and Sam. They are the only other characters in my game after all. You know something? I would be celebrating the 30th anniversary of my game pretty soon too if it weren't for, you know, the fact that my game was unplugged. Nicelanders, I guess my point is that MY LIFE IS MISERABLE NOW!
SHUT THE HELL UP, NICELAND. Oh what?! Not happy with your steady arcade gig? Don't want to thank the guy that your games plot revolves around!? Well, you know what?! You know what, Niceland!? Maybe you should think twice before you snub an invite to a guy that's just doing his damn job that's kept you going for 30 damn years! Maybe if you took the time to just say "Good job!" or "Thanks for single-handedly keeping are game from getting the shaft!" maybe Ralph wouldn't have gone Turbo and screwed up your game! You know, Felix is a nice guy. I know Felix, he's a great friend that actually took the time to learn my language so he could talk and get to know me. And I'm not sure if the Felix I know is the same as the Felix you know, but I'm sure the Felix I know would be happy to have his co-worker and important part of the game at his party! OH WAIT, you guys don't care because you're a bunch of close-minded jerks who don't do a damn thing in your game aside from being useless and making pie! You just treat Ralph like some second-class citizen that doesn't even deserve a passing glance. Don't even get me started on how you treat Felix! OH WAIT, you already did! Giving pie and telling him what a great job he did is nice and all, but do you know how much you have walked all over that poor boy? Do you?!
All damn day he tries to please you all. He didn't invite Ralph to the party because you didn't want him there! He caved into the peer pressure, going against his better judgement just to please you spoiled little idiots! I mean, I'm just going off of what I've heard since I WASN'T INVITED. But I'm fine, I'm totally fine. Not like my friends and I are homeless and have to beg for food and huddle up for warmth. It's not like we really could have used a night of being in a warm building with food, water, and things and people to make us happy after losing our home. I really think Ralph could have used it too since his life isn't much different since he has to live in garbage. He sleeps in a pile bricks and eats whatever you throw out! I sleep in Game Central Station and eat whatever food anyone decides to give me, whether or not I like it. I can't afford to be picky!
I suppose I empathize with the villain of your game because we're effectively in the same boat. While of course he has a game to call home, we both live out in the cold and have to beg for every scrap of affection thrown at us. At least I have the other characters from my game to keep me company, who did I mention were the bad guys of my game that I get along just fine with? Poor Ralph is completely alone at night because you don't care that he's miserable and living in a pile of bricks because you think that nice guy should suffer for doing his freaking job. And poor insecure Felix probably never goes to talk to him because he's deathly afraid of being looked down upon by you selfish scumbags. I guess the only reason I bring this up now is because I never realized how dearly awful it is to be completely forgotten by the rest of the world and one of the only people to even bother to pay attention to your plight is someone who is also forgotten once he's done being useful. Ralph gave us a giant Pac-Man cherry that we are eternality grateful for. Why? Because he shared the only bit of decent food he probably got all day! I've seen you guys leave the game. I know you saw us begging! We all hoped that you'd go back and get some of those pies you seem to have an endless supply of! But no!
So you want to know why Ralph went off somewhere to prove his worth even though he shouldn't have to? Because he wanted to live up to your high standards just so he could sleep in a warm building and have some at least half-decent food for once in is miserable life! Maybe you should think about that before shunning a vital part of the game-play or not pressuring the nicest guy in the arcade to have your exact narrow-minded viewpoint! And maybe next time you'll think twice about not helping out a group of homeless, starving, miserable game characters. You know how you look to Felix for guidance since he's the protagonist of your game? Well, Coily, Ugg, Wrong-Way, Slick, and Sam look to me for guidance and right now I can't give them any because I'm just as dejected and hopeless as they are! So I hope you read this and take a good long time to think about how you treat not only Ralph, an incredibly vital part of your game that your little game would be nothing without, but people in general. Listen to what Felix has to say, not what you want him to say. And heck, maybe throw the forgotten character without anywhere to live a meager scrap of kindness now and again.
From your good friend, Q*Bert