He doesn't seem to show it, but he's crashing.
It's the boss' job to run the ship by keeping everyone in line and showing his subordinates and enemies no fear. He has a routine down pat- a routine that hasn't done him wrong until now. He doesn't know whether it's the death of Haley, his relationship with Beth, Emily's resignation, or the other team members' fears, hopes, and desires that he carries on his shoulders.
It doesn't matter what it is, the only thing that matters is that it's causing the Unit Chief to fall apart.
That morning, Aaron wakes up feeling weak and feeble. His eyes are empty and his face is pale. After a struggle to dress himself, he goes to find his son sleeping- oversleeping - again. Jack plays it off as every seven year old boy would. Within twenty minutes, both Aaron and Jack are out the door.
Aaron drops Jack off at school and arrives at the BAU around 8am. He doesn't expect a case, which isn't the case when Penelope is waiting at his office door sipping her "special" brew of coffee with a case in hand. For years, Aaron has wanted to know what exactly was in that "special" blend, but like always work gets in the way.
The next few hours passes him by faster than expected- a discussion of the case in New Hampshire, his usual "wheels up" call, and more discussion on the plane. The jet smoothly touches down at a state airport and the team is off. Regardless of the nausea, drooping eyelids, and exhaustion, he drives, mostly to ward off any attention. Deep down, Aaron knows that Dave has been watch him since their usual , "Morning, how was your weekend," exchange. Before the day ends, Dave will most likely question him and as usual, Aaron will deny everything.
He's the boss after all- he needs to be there to lead his team, regardless of any illness.
Aaron musters all the remaining strength he has and leads his team into the police station twenty minutes after landing. The 6'2" scruffy police chief greets them before launching off into five minute brag about the small town of five hundred. During the lecture, Aaron glances off towards a mirror where he can catch his ragged appearance.
Instead of the dark, strong leader that he is, Aaron sees a sick man staring back at him.
The Police Chief points them to a conference room and starts off with the group. The only one that doesn't follow is Aaron, who is stuck on his reflection. He doesn't hear Dave's calls, he doesn't see Derek waving his hand in front of his face, and definitely doesn't notice Jennifer dialing 911 and Spencer arranging a ride to the closest hospital. All he notices is that as a leader, he is beginning to fail at his position. A leader should never show such weakness!
But everyone has a weakness. Your team knows that their leader isn't a superhero.
The words that have just crossed his mind make him realize that a true leader and a true person who trusts his small family would have called in sick that day.
Or taken the week off.
Or not lie to Dave every time he asks, "Aaron, how are you holding up?"
Or lie to Emily, while she is in London, stating, "Everything here is going well."
Or pushing off Derek's constant reminders, "Hotch, you like hell! Why don't you take a break?"
Or to use his authority on Spencer, who nervously mumbles to his sick superior, "Are you sure you want to do that, Hotch?"
Or avoid Jennifer and Penelope's sad looks and whispers of, " He needs us to help him, but how?"
He realizes that he would have been a better leader, friend, father, human being,- if he just told them the truth.
The truth of being that he's hurting – inside and out.
A tug on his arm snaps him back to reality. It's Derek trying to get him to sit. The man's brown eyes seem to cry out his worries to his superior. But Derek is just like Aaron, just as stubborn and won't say it out loud. It's a habit Aaron wants Derek to lose; a habit that the Unit Chief concludes needs to be led by example.
"I'm sorry," Aaron stammers out, followed by a tear running down his cheek, "Everything…hurts."
"Then let us help you, Aaron," Dave answers from Aaron's left side.
Let us help you, Aaron repeats in his head, Let your family help you.
And by letting Dave and Derek lower to him the ground to wait for the paramedics,
Aaron Hotchner finally lets his family in.
-The End
