At first he had tried to keep it from them. From her. She shouldn't think like that because it stung, but in the quiet of the night she couldn't help it.
Skye had been the one to find out. Or he had told her, she didn't know. But she hoped it had been the first, because the latter stung even more when she thought about it.
After that everything had happened really fast. It had been Coulson's idea to ask Tony Stark for help. The newly gathered S.H.I.E.L.D. just couldn't compete with the resources of Stark Industries. Pepper had been understanding, Tony had pretended to be miffed that nobody had told him Coulson was alive and Banner had tried to help. They all had. So far without success.
They had been provided with two whole levels in the Stark Tower. Bedrooms for all of them with a comfy kitchen. Offices, laboratories, a gym, a training area.
After a month Simmons had asked for Fitz to be brought here too. The scientists working on Coulson had a better chance of helping her with Fitz's recovery. That's where she spent most of her time. Helping, being useful.
Before Skye had watched Coulson like a hawk. But now that he was deteriorating and barely lucid anymore she rarely left his side while he was awake. May didn't think she even thought about her own possible fate. She did it just because she cared so damn much. Trip divided his time between caring for Jemma, dragging her away for food and sleep and doing the same thing for Skye.
And her? Mostly she felt frustrated and tried to fight that feeling with endless hours in the gym or the training area. Stark made for a surprisingly good sparring partner, even if he talked a lot. There was nothing else she could do.
And it was this feeling of helplessness that kept her away from her team mates. What kept her from eating dinner with them or listening to the recount of their days.
Skye had hinted at it when she had sought her out, Jemma had looked at her pleadingly when they had met in the hallway but it had been Trip who came to talk to her. Telling her that she wasn't helping Coulson by staying away, that he had asked for her in a coherent moment.
Well, she wasn't helping him holding his hand either. There was nothing she could do. There was no enemy to fight, no plane to fly, no one to defend physically.
She was not enough.
Again.
She was not enough for Phil Coulson.
It was Skye who eventually found her sitting on the floor next to Coulson's bed. Her back resting against the bed frame, her hand holding on to his where she had pulled it over her shoulder. It wasn't completely dark. A bedside lamp was on and the open curtain let the city's lights in.
After talking gibberish no one could understand and drawing and etching lines upon lines and circles upon circles he slept deeply for six hours every night. So deep in fact that he just laid there on his back, his breath barely there, not moving a muscle. Sometimes when she came in she thought he was already dead.
Skye opens the door silently and upon seeing her sitting there comes in and closes it behind her. She walks over to the bed and slides down next to her. Thankfully she doesn't say anything. Not about the way May tightly holds on to his lifeless hand and not about the redness in her eyes and tear stains on her cheeks. She just settles down next to her and joins her in her vigil.
"Trip was wrong to come at you like that."
May doesn't know how much time had passed. An hour? Probably less. Skye is impatient. She doesn't say anything in response.
Skye turns to look at her but May keeps staring ahead, not meeting her eyes. "I think he just needed someone to blame. But it shouldn't have been you."
May knows that. It's the only reason she quietly endured his anger without laying a hand on him.
"You don't leave him alone, you never would." Skye said with quiet conviction.
No, she wouldn't.
"You've been in here watching over him every night, haven't you?"
Once again May's silence is answer enough. Skye leans back next to her again, letting the minutes pass.
"Can I ask you something?"
Her voice is so timid, so child-like that May turns to look at her.
"When this whole Hydra thing started AC asked me to delete every digital trace of us."
May nods, signalling for her to go on.
"And I know you told me to stop looking for my mother and there were more important things to think about..." Skye has to take a deep breath before she continues. She seeks out May's gaze and holds it. "But when I looked for everything I could find about you there was a marriage certificate and it was going so fast I really couldn't see anything but I've been wondering for a while now and-" She breaks off as May closes her eyes for a long moment. She might feel like Coulson betrayed her trust by telling Skye about his condition and not her, but that's not Skye's fault. If anything, it's hers.
When she meets Skye's gaze again her expression is open, her eyes warm and gentle.
"Skye, I am not your mother."
Skye nods, pressing her teeth together obviously trying to get rid of the lump in her throat. May takes one of Skye's hands where it's grasping the edge of her jacket, her knuckles white. But Skye goes on before May can say anything. She doesn't know if Skye is distraught because she hasn't found her mother yet, or because it's not May. The thought is humbling and too much for her right now.
"Who was he?" She asks, changing the subject.
May doesn't know why she asks. But maybe it's because of the same reason that she answers. It takes their mind off the man laying not three feet from them.
"His name was Matthew. And to my mothers horror, he was not Chinese."
Skye has to smile at that as she wipes away the wetness in her eyes.
"Back then I lived with my mother in London." May goes on in an even and calming voice. "After school my mother sent me to my grandparents in Hong Kong. I was supposed to attend a university there for a year while perfecting my language skills." May leans her head against the bed behind her and smiles wistfully. "Instead I signed up for more martial arts classes. And I met him there. He had just finished college and was on a trip around the world. He stayed three months longer than he had initially planned. We got married on a whim back here in the states a year later when S.H.I.E.L.D. recruited me."
"Seriously?" Skye asks disbelievingly. "Here I thought you were all deep emotions and all and then I find out you married a holiday fling."
Even May has to smile at that. "He was not just a fling. And I was young and thought I was in love." It's only now that she realises how foolish she was, thinking that was love.
"What about your mother?"
May actually snorts. "She hated everything about him. And maybe I married him just to spite her for once."
"Did you?" Skye suddenly asks carefully.
"Did I what?"
"Did you love him?"
She doesn't even have to think about it. She seeks out Coulson's hand where she left it dangling over the side of the bed, just next to her shoulder. She squeezes his fingers, seeks out his pulse at his wrist.
"No."
Skye nods as if mulling over her words. She draws her knees closer, hugging them to her chest. "What's going to happen now?"
May doesn't know. And it's that question that she was afraid of. The others would look at her for guidance and she has no idea what to do. Is this what Coulson felt like when Fury told him to rebuild SHIELD? But at least he wasn't alone back then, he had her. And her? She has their young faces looking up to her, expecting her not to falter. As if she could do any of this without him. She had been a shell of herself when he had died before. This time would be worse.
Skye waits her out, not expecting an easy answer. May looks at her, meets her expectant gaze, her hopeful eyes. She knows that Skye just needs someone to tell her that everything will be alright. To make her believe that. But May can't do that.
"I know Coulson means a lot to you. And you're afraid that you will have no one left if he dies." Her voice almost breaks at the last word and she concentrates on the lone tear escaping Skye's brimming eyes to stay focused and keep her thoughts away from that abyss. "But no matter what happens, you are not alone."
As the younger woman puts her arms around May and cries into her shoulder, May knows these words at least are true. She might be at the edge herself, but she knows she would never let anything happen to Skye. She owes Coulson that much. And she owes Skye.
Skye pulls back and wipes her nose on her sleeve. May thinks it's obnoxious and has to smile. It's something her mother would have thought.
"You are not alone either, you know." Skye says gently.
When May says nothing to that, Skye goes on. "Trip did tell you the truth. In his clear moments, Coulson asks about you and he knows that you're avoiding him. And I think he even understands."
May has to clench her teeth. Does he? Does Skye?
"But he misses you. And you might think that keeping your distance will make it hurt less, but it won't."
May focuses on evening her breath. In and out.
"Did you ever wonder why Fitz trusted you again after you tried to shoot him?"
May is so startled by the non-sequitur that she refrains from correcting Skye that it had just been an ICER.
"He told me what Garett said to you at the hub. That you would follow AC to the grave. And that's when Fitz understood and realised he could trust you."
That situation feels like a lifetime ago.
"But it's more than that, right? You love him."
Her grip on his hand tightens once more. "That's enough."
"But I don't understand. If you-"
"I said that's enough." Her voice is quiet but Skye catches on to the tension in it.
"Fine." Skye gets up from the ground and straightens her jacket. "But he's still here and he's just as afraid and lonely as you are. And you're the only one who can do something about it because he respects you too damn much."
::
Skye's words haunt her well into her morning Tai Chi. They hadn't been spoken in anger. Instead she had sounded tired. As tired as Melinda felt. But she had been right. She was the only one who could do something about this situation. Three months here hadn't changed anything so far.
And she was the only one desperate enough to try anything.
Although it was only six in the morning she found Pepper in her office. She didn't knock.
"I need to go to Asgard."
[AN] Just my muse, keeping me awake after an exhausting 24 hour shift at the hospital. Thanks for that. And where the hell have you been?