Setting: 1x13 "Little Girl I Wanna Marry You"
Disclaimer: I don't own this show, though I often wish I did. I'm not eighteen so if we're talking technically here, I don't even own myself.
Tami put down the paper telling her what this meeting was all about, sighed, and rested her chin on her folded her hands, her 'guidance counselor position,' as she referred to it, as she searched the eyes of the teenager seated before her in her office.
Smash was nervously twisting his fingers in his lap and avoiding eye contact of the woman. He was so ashamed. He wished he could take back everything. He had disgraced himself, his family, his coach, and most importantly, his team. He used to be worried about getting on the top-100 list; that seemed like ages ago. All he was focused on lately was hiding his motivation; his 'problem.'
The truth was out now, and he was scared. He didn't know the exact circumstances of the meeting, but he knew the general idea. It was about the same thing he was trying to hide.
On the outside, Smash was all confidence. He was a jock, a player, a bighead, a king. And most of the time he was confident. His biggest moment of this was the first time he took a steroid. Boy did he feel powerful. He felt independent, and strong; like no one could ever stop his from flying, soaring, succeeding. But like a crazed mind pilot, he quickly lost control of his body, and his 'plane' spun dangerously. It became dependant one type of lethal power: steroids.
He denied anything was wrong at first; after all, everything was going better than expected. He was running, racing, lifting, leaping, dodging, dipping, quicker, faster, and stronger, better, than before. Seconds turned into minutes turned into hours turned into days, and Smash was soon faltering a little mentally. But his performance wasn't, and his heart and mind were his performance, and so he pushed his doubt back a little further into the back of his mind each time, feeling dirty, but trying to wash it with reassurance from his ego.
But the truth did come out, not voluntarily of course, though it probably would have worked out better if it would have. Smash knew he couldn't keep his secret forever, he wasn't an idiot, but he pushed that thought back the same place he hid his doubt, in his secret place.
But now, sitting here in an airy guidance office where the smell of lemon pledge was tangible and problem was palpable, he knew his cover had been blown.
But what exactly was he doing here? Was coach making his wife break the news to him that he was off the team? Was he being suspended? Was he being expelled? All questions rushed through his mind as he sat there waiting, finally making just a smidge of subtle eye-contact, but showing no emotion as he did, he still had a reputation to uphold.
"So, Brian, I hear you got yourself into quite the fix. Would I be correct in assuming this to be true?" She asked him, still locked in the position that said you were understanding and going to listen to them, but still letting them know they weren't off the hook and the you meant business.
"It's Smash," he said, trying to act tough and intimidating from the little fire he had left in him, trying to remain on high-horse.
"Excuse me?"
"I go. By Smash," he said slower, trying to provoke someone to get angry at him. All he had seen were looks of disappointment lately, even in himself. He just wanted to scream, to yell, to get riled up again.
"Okay, look, Smash, here's how it's going to go. I was told we were supposed to have this conversation, and I'm a woman of my word, so whether you like it or not, we are going to have this conversation. Now, I could do without your attitude and tone, but regardless, we'll sit here until I say we're done. So you had best just cooperate so you can get out of here. Understood?"
"Yes ma'am," he said in his deep voice, all the cockiness and emotion gone from it.
"Good. Now, Can you tell me exactly what happened?" She asked, wanting to get his opinion on this instead of just outright accusing him of something.
"I used steroids," he said slowly, giving Tami an odd look. She obviously already knew that. That was why he was here.
"I see. And can you tell me why?"
"I wanted to get on Grady Hunt's top 100 list, maybe get a scholarship."
"And you figured the only way to do that was illegally. Tell me, why is it so important you do those things?"
"Well my family don't have a lot of cash. We do all right, but not enough for a good college."
"So you were feeling stressed?"
"Yeah."
Tami took her hands down and relaxed into her chair, drifting away from professional to caring, but still confronting, human.
"You know, Smash, there are other ways to gain muscle and enhance sports performance without drugs. Now I don't know the specifics, but I'm sure Coach does, and he would be happy to share some ideas with you," she suggested. Smash just sat there some more. "If you just tried talking to someone about-"
"I can't."
"You can't what?" she said tilting her head to the side, trying to understand. He was telling her a lot more than she thought he was going too already, but she wanted to see if he would let her in even more.
"I can't just talk to anybody whenever I want about what I want; it just doesn't work that way being me."
"Being you?"
"You know, I got a reputation. I worked hard for it, and I don't want to be weak."
"Talking to someone isn't a sign of weakness. It's a sign of maturity that you realize something is wrong and do something about it. Something helpful, not illegal. I know there's a lot of pressure with football and all, but you need to stay true to yourself."
"I'm not just talking about football. My brothers and sisters… Let me start over. My mom is a great woman. But there is no man of the house, I mean there is, but it's me. I have to be the one to set an example, to be the responsible one."
"Smash, you are seventeen years old, and no matter how hard you try, you're not going to be able to do everything. Not alone at least." Silence. "Okay, I'm done being the up lifter. Why did you do the steroids? And don't tell me because of the list, because there has to be something more to make you do something so drastic and risky."
Smash took a deep breath. He couldn't believe he was about to tell someone this, and Mrs. Coach nonetheless. He barely even knew the woman, but maybe that was the reason why he was about to let all of his secrets go. Break and unlock the very back of his mind, the deepest of all his thoughts, experiences, the most painful of feelings, and revisit them again. He hadn't thought about them since they had happened firsthand. Why? Because that's how the Smash was, he was putting away Smash for a second and letting Brian come out.
"I used to idolize my father. He used to be what I strived to be. I wanted my relationship to be like his and my mom's. Every kid wants that. I was seven when he died. He was in a car wreck."
"I'm sorry," Tami said, feeling sorry for the kid, but not knowing where this was headed or why it related to this incident. But in her years as a mother, and short time working as a counselor, she learned that teenagers were complex, and she just had to be patient, and at least he was telling her something.
"Naw, it's okay. That's not the bad part. I mean of course it was hard but-." He took a deep breath, carefully choosing the words of what he was going to say next. He didn't even know if he should say it. He had already brought disrespect on his family, and he wasn't sure that she should spill this secret either. He paused and licked his lips, getting uncomfortable with the idea of telling her his family's secret.
"You can tell me anything, alright? I promise I won't tell a soul. Not even coach if you don't want me to. I just want you to be able to talk about anything. And I won't judge you or anyone else, okay? I really need to hear that," Tami said, as if being able to read his mind, and putting her hand gently onto his, knowing that no matter how strong he appeared, the soft gesture of comfort was something he needed.
This reassured him a bit, and he decided that he had already started his rampage, and he might as well let loose of everything.
"A little while ago I learned that my father was not the man I thought he was. Sure he was still my father, but everything I had ever felt about him changed. I found out that he was…adulterous, to my mom. And by connection he was unfaithful to my brothers and sisters, and me."
Tami's heart broke at this news. This kid had been dealt a harder hand than anyone gave him credit for, and she would have never known it. Corrina and she had been good friends since Tami moved here, but she was so embarrassed she never even mentioned it. She discouraged her kids from recognizing it.
"That must have been hard," she inquired, wanting to get his feelings on this instead of just stating the facts.
"More than you can know. Suddenly he wasn't a man I wanted to be, he was a man I didn't. He was my enemy, someone I wanted to hurt. He was a selfish man. Caring more about himself than he did Mama, or my, our, whole family. And that's not a father. That's not even a role model. He rejected us, and I didn't like the feeling of rejection.
Tami nodded growing even sadder by the moment, trying not to let her feelings get to her, and trying to be strong like Smash had to be his entire life.
"Once I found out about the…incident, I felt even more alone. I wanted to feel like I was worth something again. Get someone to notice me. I got the attention of the girls; that comes with the Smash package," he said cracking a joke. Tami lightened up a bit, giving him an eye roll and a half smile that didn't quite reach her eyes. "But I wanted something more, attention I didn't have," he paused to smile a little, "you know you're husband's a good guy right?"
Tami smiled, a little more real this time, "yeah, I kind of like guys that are nice. That's partly why I married him."
"Yeah, well since he got here, I always kind of looked up to him, kind of the dad I never had. And I been doing okay in games, but I wanted to make him prouder. That's why I did the steroids. I wanted to show him that I could be the leader he needed me to be."
"Why didn't you just tell him about the pressure you were feeling? I am positive that he would've understood."
"I don't know. I didn't want to make him disappointed in me, I guess. I know that's stupid now, but it wasn't back then. It used to make sense."
"You know, sometimes people do things that they don't mean, and their ideas change. And disregarding this whole drugs issue, from what I heard, you're a real good kid, Smash. A real good one. And it's not just on the football field. You have sacrificed so much for your family. And, Smash, if your father was half the man you are today, it would've made your life a whole lot easier, no doubt. But this has all been a learning process for you, and I think that you've handled life maturely for the most part so far."
"That's real nice of you, Ma'am, but you don't have to try to make me feel better about screwing myself over."
"That's not what I'm doing Smash," she said, taking a deep breath, growing upset that he didn't seem to be really listening to her or trusting what she was saying to him. Not that he should considering all of the lies he had been told growing up, but still wishing there was some way to get through to him that she wasn't pretending, because Tami Taylor didn't lie. "There is more to life than just high school, or girls, or believe it or not even football, but some day when you grow up, this will all be but a bug on the windshield."
"That's not what it seems like. It feels like I've failed at everything, that I messed everything up for everyone I cared about."
"You didn't mess everything up. I can guarantee that your mom will, and already has forgiven you, she's just concerned. And, though I'm not excusing your behavior, your past has been rough, and you've been handling it pretty well up until now in my opinion." She was going to take a big chance now and bring something up that would no doubt bring back painful memories and feelings for him, but was vital to moving on. She got up and moved to his side, awkwardly kneeling next to him in her high-heels and dress to see him at eye level.
Smash was uncomfortable by this, and instinctively looked away. She cocked her head and gently put a finger on his jaw line to look him in the eye. "And I bet your father, the one you remember back when he was still just your dad, he would be proud. And I know that your coach has an insane amout of faith in you. So don't underestimate yourself, because no one else is."
Smash smiled a little. And though he would never in a million years admit it, he felt better.
"Thanks," he said getting up, knowing it was time to leave.
Tami stood back up and smoothed her skirt, happy with what she had accomplished. "No problem," she said, watching him go.
She leaned back in her chair and closed her eyes for a few seconds, emotionally drained from her last unsuspected guest.
"Mrs. Taylor," her private intercom screeched from the secretary.
"Yes," she pushed the button and asked back, a bit annoyed.
"We had another issue in the lunchroom involving two girls, something about fighting having to do with a football player. I'm sending the papers and one of the girls over as we speak."
"Okay," Tami said and rolled her eyes. These were some of the most common occurrences that she dealt with.
She watched as a girl with a very…revealing shirt, skinny jeans, and a black eye accenting her heavy eyeliner entered her office, slung her backpack next to her and took a seat.
Just another day as a guidance counselor in a football crazed town, she thought.
She read over the paper, growing more annoyed as the girl repeatedly flipped her hair and acted like she was too good to be there. And she swore if she snapped that gum one more time… She decided to take action before she went absolutely crazy.
Tami put down the paper telling her what this meeting was all about, sighed, and rested her chin on her folded her hands, her 'guidance counselor position,' as she referred to it, as she searched the eyes of the teenager seated before her in her office.
A note from the author: Okay guys, I've got to admit, I'm a little self-conscious about this one. I've been working on it tediously for a few days now, and I'm still not sure I got the characters quite right. Please tell me if you think it totally blows or is okay, or…whatever. I just really want to hear from someone other than the voices in my head. I've worked on this really hard and probably about 5 hours of my life, and feedback would make it all worth while.
Another Author's note: On a lighter note, my reason for writing this (other than the fact I LOVE these two characters [I know you all were think, ugh, ANOTHER Tami centered story? Well I'm sorry, but she just rocks!]) Was that I don't ever remember them getting a scene together…ever. So I wanted to try it! I think Smash is more complex than I give him credit for and wanted to explore that. So please share me what you think. Do you guys remember these two ever speaking?
Yet another Author's note: Anyone interested in my other FNL story 'Misunderstood," it's almost over. Only 1-2 more chapters. It was so much fun to write though, and if someone has an idea for a longer, one-shot, or mid-length story, that'd be awesome! Thanks for taking the time to read this! Don't forget to drop a review or PM about the story or even just FNL in general! =)