By: Katthiea Uraboku fan fiction Boy x Boy : if you don't like please don't read!

This War of Mine

Chapter 1: Always alone

It's quite and there is nothing but darkness around, Yuki has felt this feeling before and never really seems to leave. It makes Yuki hold his chest tight and cry out in pain but still only darkness, this feeling is so empty, so lonely.

Water cold and icy blue comes flowing round him, before Yuki notices it is already around his waist. "Ahhhhhh!"a sharp female scream comes from nowhere until Yuki sees a silhouette of a young woman in the distance. He stands and runs towards her, trying to call out to get her attention but the more he tries to get towards her the more the water flows. He is swimming as hard as he can, yet he can't see or her anymore, alone again Yuki tries to keep himself above the water and yet his legs are going numb from the cold.

Yuki tries to call for help but no one hears him, not Kanata, not Takashiro or the zweilts, it's like they are all in their own world and not able to see his pain. "Please someone! Anyone! Help me! Why won't you help? Please I don't want to be here alone!" Yuki was screaming out into the darkness hoping it would reply but instead he heard a calm young woman's voice.

Well they can't help it if you don't call them properly, and call him by his true name.

"His true name? What do you mean? Ah... That's right he once said about his name."

That's right... he trusted us with his name for this reason, so use it.

She was right and he knew it so with every bit of strength he had left he called out to the one who would never betray him, "Luka...!" Yuki sat up in tears in a quick attempt to check his surroundings, by the time he looked up he was already standing there.

"I'm sorry" Yuki repeated for 50th time that morning, since he called out to Luka in his sleep not only waking him but Sodom as well, "Really I don't know why they keep happening?, I guess I'm at least remembering some of my past, they just don't make sense though" he finished. "You don't have to apologize to me Yuki" Luka said calmly as he stood next to him on the balcony overlooking the back garden where Sodom was playing happily.

Yuki looked over at Luka and smiled as best he could, "Yeah your right, no more apologising, I'll go ask one of the zweilts what it's like for them and if there's anything I can do".

I can't keep worrying everyone like this; I even had the doctor ask me if I want sleeping pills. I guess the fact I'm not sleeping shows on my face more than I realized. Yuki thought to himself like this often recently ever since the battle with Kanata/Regia. He wanted to believe that Kanata was still inside Regia but 1000 years of fighting the same war is a lot of memories for one bond to change.

No I don't think I want him to change, even Regia must have had his reasons, he said it's because humans don't deserve to live and that the world should be reset. I don't know what made him decide that but surely by meeting me he hesitated, it was like he remembered something forgotten that now he had to challenge.

"Are you okay Yuki?" Luka asked worriedly as they made their way to the dining room for lunch, Luka had noticed him being lost in thought, and was waiting to help if he could.

That face he makes... I've only known Luka a little while and yet I know that face it shows he would do anything for me if I asked him right now.

"I'm fine thanks Luka, I just was thinking about Kanata, no Regia-san. I thought maybe if I tried to understand him more, I could help everyone but maybe I'm being too optimistic,I mean Takashiro wouldn't be fighting a war for a thousand years if it was that simple" Yuki finished as he walked up to the dining room door.

"Feel free to ask me anything Yuki and if it is my ability I will help you" Luka said simply, "I have never known Regia well even when he summoned me to this realm". Yuki was surprised to hear this, "Yes he was my Master when I was in the human realm, just like he now summoned Luze; he summoned me to be against you and the Zweilts". Yuki was trying hard to imagine that time where Luka was his enemy and neither had ever known any different, but he couldn't. "I wish there was something I knew, but he did well to make his standing of master clear, I'm sorry Yuki" he said sadly.

"What? No don't apologize! I mean I have no idea what you went through in the past Luka and yet even though it must be painful you're always willing to share it with me. Plus I didn't think you had known him anymore than the zweilts do" Yuki said this quickly so Luka's smile would appear and when it did Yuki knew Luka understood. "C'mon Luka let's go before Toko comes and tracks us down to eat" Yuki said with a slight laugh.

"Oh that's why you can't sleep, you're memories are trying to come through?" said Lia in the most dramatic way possible. "Uhm, well I was hoping you could tell me, I Know some of you have remembered stuff" Yuki asks "Do you remember Lia?" "Me, yeah I remember quite a lot but you could say it's only from the one life since, all the other lives I have memories for are blurry".

"Sairi remembers best, you'll have to ask him when he comes to pick Lia up" says Toko, who had been listening in on their conversation closely since the start. "I think its best you don't ask him Yuki" Lia says quickly, "Ah, He had a hard time in his past life we all did, but Sairi well he likes to move on, as much as he can anyway" she explains with a smile.

"Oh right, don't worry I won't ask anyone to answer anything they don't want too" Yuki says. I don't want anyone to feel troubled by me; moreover I haven't asked the most obvious person what I want to know because it might be a bother. Luka would tell me what I want to know but he wouldn't think of his own feelings first. Even Toko and Lia have realized since they haven't asked Luka.

Luka currently sitting next to Yuki, sharing a sandwich with Sodom is obviously hearing this conversation but doing his best to stay un-involved unless called out to. "This pasta is great!" deciding to change the topic Yuki speaks a little louder so Toko will go with the flow and she does.

Having learned from Toko, Lia, Tskumo, Hotsuma and Shunsei that memories come back in dreams but just the amount you remember and how clearly is different, He is hopeful his memories will start becoming clearer soon.

I'm still not sure if my memories will help much but I think I'll at least understand why I wished to forget.

Up until his last life Yuki had always had his memories from birth or early childhood and yet he decided in his past life as his final wish he didn't want to remember any of it and no one knows why, though they all have their own theories.

I don't believe I wanted to forget, not without good reason and yet Luka seems to think so. Maybe I know myself less than I think I do.

Yuki is outside on the balcony watching the stars and trying to make sense of his own thoughts. With a cold breeze blowing by, Yuki should go inside but he is too lost in thought to even notice, he pulls a blanket over him and looks back at the stars.

It's no use, no matter how hard I try to remember I just end up giving myself a headache, maybe I should take the doctor up on his offer if I can't sleep tonight or better yet if I can't remember anything. I just wish I could ask myself why I wished to forget. Yuki smiled to himself but he was not prepared to get an actual reply.

"I'd say were being selfish wishing such a thing but were not really."

Yuki looks up to see himself or rather his past self smiling at him from a few steps away, he doesn't know how he knows it's her but he just does. He also knows he must be dreaming because otherwise he really should go see Doctor Isuzu.

"Hehehehehe" she laughs at Yuki's correct thoughts and looks at him directly, for the first time Yuki looks at her and can see how much alike in looks they are. She looks around his age with long golden blond hair all the way done to the ground and more, she's wearing an old-fashioned but cute looking dress and most of all her eyes she has golden eyes like his.

"What do you mean selfish? Did we wish to forget?" Yuki asks her quickly before she can disappear from his dream, from his memory.

"No, I wished for something selfish but not that" she answered simply, and Yuki new that was true. "What did you wish for?" He asked curiously, he was now standing somehow believing getting closer would give him more answers.

"That's ... you don't remember? Strange. I wished for something that I knew would help me be at peace but something that would also be there to help in my next life, like I said selfish" she had a slight smile on her face but he could remember that feeling, a feeling of wishing for something and then feeling guilty. "Guilty? Why do I feel guilty? You said it was not our memories so we wished for something else?" he asked again.

"I told you, hehe, it was selfish but nothing our memories won't fix, if it even needs fixing only you can find that out" she says simply. "So you don't remember anything?" she walks up to Yuki like royalty and sits in a practiced manor, even Yuki finds it strange to watch. He sits down again and looks at her curious of what she will say next.

"Then I guess I'll try and help you get them back, since I never wished for it you should be get them back by now, even if there not clear the feelings should come through and that's the most important thing" she explains. "Any idea why I can't remember?" Yuki asks her in a worried way. She smiles and says "Yes actually but only the one and part of me is hoping I'm wrong".

"I don't understand, why?" he asks as calmly as he can. "It could be that someone has sealed your memories, Takashiro made it possible in our first life with our help to use spells I/we had created. Being the daughter of the last Alga necromancer, he realized we had abilities, he hoped we would be able to use a grimwore to battle Regia but instead we showed him we could create spells specifically, Barrier and protection spells". "We created many of the spells for Takashiro that he has used that are now forbidden but we felt sorry for him and wanted to help the Giou clan, at that point we never thought the battle would last this long" she smiles and continues.

"Let me hold your hand, I'll she if there is a seal" she hold out her own hands, "Sure" he says as he takes her hands and waits to see what happens, she closes her eyes and then a few seconds later looks at him.

"So was there one?" he asks. "Yes and I know who made this one, it was Regia" she stands up and walks away, "I removed it so the next time you wake up know that the next time you sleep you'll remember. You may remember a lot at once too since you should have remembered it all ages ago. I know it's a shock but you forgetting who you are, for Regia was definitely an advantage if only a small one. Be glad you just fought back" she explains what she has done and smiles at Yuki.

"It's weird I never thought I'd be born as a boy but I guess it's fine, I can tell you will look after everyone, even the person who made me feel never alone" she said this as a final statement and before Yuki could ask what she meant he was sleeping in his bed, Luka had found him and put him there.

Washing his face in the bathroom, Yuki looked in the mirror and realised he was only a few dreams away from answers. Why had Regia sealed his memories? Was it as his past self said just for a small advantage? What was his last wish really? Would he finally remember what happened with all the zweilts in the past? And could he finally know the relationship he had with Luka back then? .

Only time will tell, and the next chapter :) xx