Don't Mess With The Songwriter!
Author's Note: I have wanted to do this for ages now. This one's for Timothy.C. He's been doing a fantastic job with my old story, There's Nothing Like Family.
Dave had a plan...An ingenious plan. After all these years of getting pranked on and annoyed, he was about to taste the glory of sweet, sweet, revenge. He never knew that something so simple could be the answer to one of his biggest problems: Alvin.
Using normal 'human' techniques to try to calm Alvin's personality down just didn't cut it anymore. It was time to go wild.
Dave had taken to watching Animal Planet with the Chipmunks and Chipettes since their favourite show 'Meerkat Manor' was on it. But after the show, when the kids had gone to bed, there was another programme that had only just started to feature, 'Changing Animal Habits'. Dave fell in love with this show quickly as it had many useful tips for keeping Alvin in line. And I don't mean the 'roll over and I'll give you a treat' sort of thing. I mean the 'I'm the master around here, you listen to me and we'll both be happier' sort of thing.
Dave had already used several of the tips; for one thing, he bought a dog whistle that only animals can hear. Alvin got the shock of his life when Dave caught him setting up a prank on Brittany, but blew the whistle instead of announcing himself ("Aaaargh! Are you trying to turn me deaf!") But Dave thought that it was a bit too demeaning for a talking chipmunk. So he moved on to the next tip; Isolation.
The only way that went was horribly. Confining an animal to a small area with no company gave it a chance to think about what it did wrong. So after Alvin super-glued a dime to the floor and watched everybody fail to pry it off, switched Simon's spectacles for the classic groucho-nose-and-glasses, wrapped Glad Wrap over the toilet bowl, turned Theodore's teeth purple and gave Brittany a clown-face facial, Dave locked him in the dark pantry by himself.
This went wrong for two reasons:
Nobody bothered to mention to Dave that Alvin was hugely Claustrophobic and panicked madly if he couldn't see or hear anyone around him. He absolutely hates being alone.
Alvin panicked so badly that to keep himself calm; he ate everything he could get his little paws on. Imagine the look of shock on Dave's face when he opened the door to find nothing but boxes, wrappers, tin cans, crumbs and a sick-looking Chipmunk bolting to the bathroom because he was too full.
He put all of Theodore's and Eleanor's eating binges to shame in one go.
A down-hearted, but determined Dave both tried and failed with the other tips, so he started to hand out blackmail. The first attempt to get Alvin to behave was, Dave told him that if he didn't start controlling his temper around Brittany, a Vet would come around and give him a Distemper shot (common for male dogs who haven't been sprayed or neutered.) Seeing as Alvin hated needles, it was worth a shot. But, sure enough, that rule was broken the very next day. Dave stuck to his word and now Alvin found it impossible to raise his voice at anybody or turn angry at all.
They both found it easier to talk to each other after this. Alvin understood why Dave wanted him to behave around Brittany and agreed it was probably best to get the needle done every certain amount of months. They shook paw to finger on it and for the time being, Alvin behaved to redeem himself. He apologised to Brittany and all was well. One conflict was finally over.
Alvin remained placid for two months before turning back to his old ways. He still kept calm thanks to the needle, but that only helped him keep a clear mind so he could plan more sophisticated mischief on his siblings and friends. Dave was already armed this time as he had never taken Alvin seriously when he promised to behave himself.
Ooooo00ooooo
"He shoots...and...HE SCORES!" cried the red-clad Chipmunk with glee. He had just thrown a rolled up handkerchief into the miniature basketball ring that hung on the door in the bedroom. Dave had banned rubber balls in the house ever since the expensive-china-being-knocked-over-and-smashed-incident last Thanksgiving, "It's pandemonium! Alvin Seville has just scored the winning points! What a star! What a legend! And here comes the cheerleaders!"
Alvin fell onto his back and laughed while pretending to be smothered by gorgeous women in miniskirts, shaking their pom-poms in his face, "Girls! Girls! Chillax! There is plenty of the Alvinator to go around! Girls! Please!...Hi there!" sighed Alvin looking dreamily into space when Dave walked into the room. Dave raised one eyebrow at this strange behaviour.
"Uh, are you okay?" asked Dave in amusement.
"Never better," answered Alvin simply," Have you ever had the pleasure to be smothered by cheerleaders?"
Dave grinned, "No, but I am wondering right now why you are using my lucky handkerchief as a basketball." Alvin looked up at him and gave a cheeky smile.
"Easy. Your underwear won't bounce."
"I see. Since when are you allowed to go through my stuff, let alone my room without my permission?" quizzed Dave.
"Since when do you have a lacy pink pair of panties in your drawer? You said Claire doesn't sleep in your room, Dave" Retorted Alvin with a smirk. Dave puffed out his chest and felt annoyance begin to grow.
"I said she doesn't sleep in my room while you are home! You obviously didn't listen...again! Now please hand me my handkerchief!"
"Make me."
"Alvin, I'm warning you...Give me the handkerchief..."
"Make me."
"Hand it over, or you'll be sorry."
"Make me."
"Alvin, give-the-hanker-chief-to-me-this instant!"
"Make-me."
"HAND IT OVER!"
"You forgot to say please..."
"AAAALLLLVVVVIIIINNNN!"
Alvin scampered in-between Dave's legs and ran out the door. Dave had reached down to try and grab him, but missed and fell over, got to his feet and tore after him. Simon and Theodore tried to block Alvin's way, but he leaped over them with the skill of a gymnast and kept on running. With the handkerchief safely stuffed in his pockets, Alvin leaned against one side of the couch as Dave came into the living room and began searching. Simon pointed Alvin out and Dave dived for Alvin's tail only to miss by inches.
The Chipettes ran into the room and tackled the chipmunk to the ground. But Alvin was too full of adrenaline and shoved them off with ease. Dave tore after him again as the chipmunk ran into the kitchen and leaped into the china cabinet. Oh, crap! Dave thought as he skidded to a halt. Alvin smirked tauntingly at him; he had taken a good advantage over the human. One false move from Dave and it was Sayonara expensive plates, bowls and bottles of wine.
"Okay, Alvin. Don't do anything stupid. Let's be sensible about this," Dave tried to reason with him. He slowly took a few steps towards the cabinet with a hand outstretched. Alvin hugged himself in defence, "Just hand the handkerchief over, and we'll forget any of this happened, okay?"
"You'll have to catch me first!" cackled Alvin. He leaped off the cabinet and ran back into the living room, not before knocking a Chateau '53 to the floor, the wine spilling everywhere. Dave leaped over the mess and pursued Alvin, who had now reached the back door to the backyard. Alvin leaped through the cat flap and ran up the old oak tree in a flash. Dave had been so busy focusing on the chipmunk that he never saw the door coming. SLAM!
He lay dazed on the ground for a few minutes, catching his breath, while outside Alvin chilled and panted heavily. There was an eerie silence while Dave finally stood up. He took a step forward, straight back into the door, before opening it and going outside. He was still dizzy, so he never saw Alvin slide down the tree and tip-toe back inside again. He would've gotten away it with too if he weren't so cocky.
"Run, run as fast you can! You can't catch me, I'm the Munker man!" chanted Alvin. Dave swung his head around stupidly and tore after him. "Let it be written on my grave that I-REGRET-NOTHING! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!" He leapt through the cat flap.
Dave seemed to have forgotten of what had just occurred and yet again, SLAM!
The rest of the family knew what Dave's knew tactic had been and were ready for it. As soon as Alvin leapt through the door, they all tackled him and dragged him back into the bedroom with the lights off. Alvin struggled, but couldn't fight off five pairs of paws grabbing him, Simon retrieved the handkerchief. Dave staggered back into the room, let everybody else out and closed the door behind him. Out of his pocket, he pulled out his weapon and clicked the button.
Alvin had been watching Dave in fear, but something distracted him. Out of nowhere, a red dot had appeared on the carpet. All humanistic intelligence gone, Alvin stared at it in wonderment and felt a weird sensation fill his stomach. His mind had gone completely blank except for one thought alone. Did he...want to...chase it? He did. He was even in a pouncing position already. Dave smiled in triumph as Alvin stalked forward, the red dot reflecting in his eyes.
Two more steps and Alvin pounced at the dot, only to have it disappear underneath his paws. Where did it go? It had jumped from the carpet to the curtains. Alvin immediately ran and leaped at the window, falling to the ground on his tail. Using unwanted determination, he kept leaping pathetically at the curtains over and over. What's happening to me?
The dot disappeared and reappeared on the roof. Alvin ran up to his bunk and clawed at it. It shot over to a wall, then the roof again, another wall, the floor, the door, Brittany's bunk, Theodore's bunk, Jeanette's bunk, another wall, then the roof again, then the floor and Simon's bunk. All the while, Alvin involuntarily leapt, ran, jumped, climbed and tore after the dot for some unexplained reason. Eventually, the dot stopped at Dave's feet and Alvin collapsed with exhaustion. Dave picked him up and opened the curtains.
"Okay, here's the deal." Dave explained," I'm going to take this Laser Pointer with me where ever I go. Your brothers and the Chipettes have one each. They know better than to look at it. You behave and you'll never see one again. You misbehave and we'll use it until it wears you down. We'll even do it in public if we have to. You don't want that to happen do you?"
Alvin mumbled something incoherently that Dave took to mean, "I guess not."
Ooooo00ooooo
Finally, Alvin had settled down through fear of the laser pointer. It had only taken that one time for him to jump in fright and cower whenever Dave reached into his pocket. He would run into the bathroom and lock the door if he did do something wrong, which everybody laughed at, even himself sometimes. Dave took this as he sign that he was beginning to actually consider what he had done wrong.
Alvin had definitely learned his lesson and never doubted Dave's cunning again. They got along better than ever and even pulled pranks on the others if Dave felt rebellious. All was well.
A/N: LOL, that was so random. Please review and tell me what you thought could be improved. I'm open to opinions.