"Without Him"
By: Adrienne
Spoilers: Through season seven.
Summary: Elizabeth ponders what life without Mark will be like.
I watch him constantly. I watch his every move during the day and I watch every breath he takes at night. I live in constant terror that one day he'll collapse on the floor or that one morning he just won't wake up. It could happen at any time, at any place, and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I heal people every day, but I can't help the one person I love the most.
He's everything to me. My husband, my best friend, and the father of my daughter. He's my life. I never thought I'd have to live without him; I don't think I can.
Dr. Burke said that he had at least eighteen months. Six months have passed so far. I only have a year left with him. That means he'll be lucky if he's there for Ella's first birthday. He won't be there for her first steps, or when she's old enough to call him "Daddy." She'll grow up without her father; without knowing how wonderful he is and how much he loves her. He won't be there for her first day of school, her sixteenth birthday, high school graduation or be there to walk her up the aisle on her wedding day. I look at her sweet little face and wonder how we'll survive when he's gone. I want to cry and scream, but I have to be strong. For her…for both of us.
When she grows up, I'll tell Ella about her father. What a great doctor he was and stories about us. How we met, our first date at Navy Pier and how he proposed. I'll tell her everything I know about him from the last four years. I take pictures of them together all the time, so at least Ella will have something left of her father. I want Ella to know her half-sister Rachel and to know her stories about their father, but after he's gone I'm afraid that will never happen.
I wonder what the ER will be like when he's gone. He's been there so long that surely it won't be the same. Carter looks up to him, Kerry depends on him, the patients need him…I need him.
I hate the idea that I'm going to watch my husband die. When the tumor comes back, slowly he'll become weaker and weaker. In the end he won't be the same man that I know and love. Or maybe that will be for the better, I'll slowly get used to the fact that he's leaving, and parts of him will fade away one at a time until there's nothing left. But I'm fooling myself when I think that. No matter if he goes quickly or slowly, it will still be agony.
I used to believe in miracles…maybe I'm still hoping for one. I've seen enough patients pull through that shouldn't have to know that they do happen. But I'm not holding my breath.
Last night I found him holding Ella and they were both asleep. I stood there for the longest time watching them thinking, "I wish it could always be like this." But it can't.