Summary: "What I need to survive is not Gale's fire, kindled with rage and hatred. I have plenty of fire myself. What I need is the dandelion in the spring. The bright yellow that means rebirth instead of destruction. The promise that life can go on, no matter how bad our losses. That it can be good again."
[Author's Note]: Hi all, this is my first fic in a long, long while. I stumbled into the Hunger Games series thanks to a co-worker and now I'm totally hooked! I finished all three books in less than a week, but I think the story needs to continue. So after lurking and reading a number of fics, I decided to try and write again :) I hope you like it! It picks up at the end of Mockingjay. It's the day after Peeta arrives. In fact, the first paragraph is right from the book, so you know where exactly I segue from.
Hopefully, I can update faithfully!
Sound Life
Chapter 1
So... On the first night,
a pebble falls to the earth from somewhere.
In the morning, Buttercup sits stoicly as I clean the cuts, but digging the thorn from his paw brings on a round of those kitten mews. We both end up crying again, only this time we comfort each other. On the strength of this, I open the letter Haymitch gave me from my mother, dial the phone number, and weep with her as well. Peeta, bearing a warm loaf of bread, shows up with Greasy Sae. She makes us breakfast and I feed all my bacon to Buttercup.
After our largely silent, sniffly meal, Greasy Sae washes the breakfast dishes and hints about her hopes for rabbit stew for dinner tonight. I nod, absently letting Buttercup lick the bacon grease from my fingers. When the door closes behind Sae, Buttercup quickly realizes that there's no more bacon to be had. Unsure of what to do next (as I have never been his favorite person), the mangy orange furball waddles away and I am alone again.
"Would you like company in the woods today?"
His voice disarms me and I realize that I had forgotten Peeta was still here—rather, was here at all. Yesterday, was the first I'd seen him in months!
"I'm sorry," he reaches towards me and I wave away his hands. "I didn't mean to startle you."
"I'm not-I'm just…" I shake my head. "I'm… I guess I'm just used to Greasy Sae her granddaughter being my only company." A sigh escapes my lips. I get a good look at him as I sink back down to my seat. Peeta, for all that was done to him in the past year, seems to be well into his recovery. "You look… much better."
He offers a small smile, "Dr. Aurelius was extremely helpful," and shoots a pointed look at me, "and I… wanted to come back. As soon as I could."
Did he want to come back to me? I don't ask. I'm not even sure I want to know. Instead I let him look me over again. My face was likely still splotchy from crying all morning, but although my hair was no longer matted and my nails were clean and at a normal length, my wrists were far too thin and my cheeks pretty deeply sunken in. Under my shirt, my ribs have made an appearance again, and I could easily count them. What little food I took in over the winter was barely enough to keep me alive (despite Greasy Sae's best efforts). Unfortunately for her, I had been almost determined to wither into nothing.
"Let's go outside," he suddenly stated. Before I had a chance to protest, he put his hands on my shoulders and led me out my front door for a turn around the yard. My eyes caught sight of the primroses he had brought from the forest. I was surprised to find that they were actually very lovely in the morning light. I barely approved of them yesterday, and today I'm still not sure, but I realize that I'm neither revolted nor horrified and not even angry or annoyed at Peeta for not consulting me before he planted them.
"The flowers are pretty." In time, I think I could even get used to them. Maybe even like them. Right now, they were just another new occurrence in my life.
Beside me I can feel him relax a little. "Thanks. I wasn't sure how you felt about them considering the commotion I heard yesterday. I was afraid you'd hate me."
"Oh… No, it was just something else..." My cheeks burned at the thought. President Snow had left a rose in a vase I had in my room. After the bombing. As a sign to me to say that he can get me any way, anywhere. But I didn't regale him with this tale and fortunately, Peeta just nodded, not pressing for an explanation. We sat down on my front steps and I'm shocked to feel almost relieved at the rest. "I think… I would like some company."
"Hm?"
"In the woods. Today," I'm blushing a little. "Please?"
"Of course," he smiles. "I'll try not to scare away the game."
The forest today streamed with light and life. I could feel the warm breeze and smell the new greenery sprouting through the damp dirt. The path to my meeting place with Gale was softer and a little bit easier to manage than yesterday, but I still had to take a seat on the large rock when we arrived.
"Hopefully I can manage to bring a rabbit back for Greasy Sae. If not, there's always squirrel!" I dropped my bow and arrows down between my legs and smiled absently. The forest... it certainly was nice to be back.
Peeta nodded. I patted the spot next to me and, tentatively, he sat beside me.
"This is where I'd meet Gale. To hunt," I said quietly. "Before the Games, we'd be here probably every day…" My eyes scanned the forest, almost hoping to catch sight of him again. Guilt crept up on me and I shifted my focus back to Peeta. "And before him, my father was the one to take me here. It took me a long time to come back after he died, but when I did it seemed…right. I had given myself a purpose again." My purpose then was to keep my family alive. And now?
"Now you feel lost."
His statement startled me. I wondered if I asked that question aloud, but still I said, "Yes."
"It feels a little pointless, too," he hunched over so that his elbows met his knees. "You're not completely sure if there's any need for you to continue."
I nodded absently.
"It's like you're trapped somewhere, waiting for something to happen." I feel his eyes on me now, "But maybe it's taking too long and you're losing patience with it, losing hope it will even get to you."
A hot tear rolls down my cheek.
"Katniss…"
"Why, Peeta? I volunteered. I became a tribute. I did it twice. I became the fucking Mockingjay." These were the thoughts that haunted me most at night. "I hunted. I traded. I haggled prices in the Hob. I took on the tesserae." My tears flowed freely now as I could feel the collar of my shirt dampening, but I just swiped at my eyes with the back of my jacket sleeve. "I did everything I could… and then I met you," this coaxed the tiniest ghost of a smile from my lips, "You were the boy with the bread." At that I felt his arm around me pulling me close. I was too weak from crying again to even flinch. "We were able to leave the games together and get through the war and all this other shit. But why wasn't it enough?"
Even Peeta seemed to not have any answers, and I sniffled quietly into my sleeve. Huddled underneath his arm and against his chest, I was warm and comforted. Was this even okay? What if it triggered a reaction in him? How far along had Peeta progressed with Dr. Aurelius before he came back? And did I care about his mental health because I was genuinely concerned for him or was I protecting myself from getting hurt again?
"Maybe we should try and catch something for dinner," I murmured, sliding out of his arm and onto the ground. His arms were a dangerous place to be anyway.
"I can help set some snares. And if you'd like, I can gather some herbs."
I contemplated my bow and smiled a little. "Sure." It had been a long time since the nightlock after all.
It turns out that hunting is extremely exhausting. Peeta put a bit of distance between us, but it was almost for naught. I couldn't move fast enough, quietly enough for my own liking—and the forest noticed. Not even a squirrel meandered within hearing distance of one of our twitch traps.
I was growing increasingly frustrated.
"Peeta!" I called, a little above a whisper. Gale would not have approved of the volume.
No answer.
"Peeta?" I tiptoed closer to where he was supposed to be gathering rosemary.
Silence.
"PEETA!"
I broke into a run.
"PEETA!"
A gnarled root catches me by surprise and I fall. Beside me a rabbit twitches, caught in a snare.
"Forget about me, you're chasing off every rabbit within a ten-mile radius," he smirked helping me upright again.
I gave a tiny , "Hmph," and replied, "I called to you and you didn't answer. You're supposed to stay in range no matter what!" I felt my eyes well up again and I bit it back.
"I'm sorry. I just didn't want to scare away our dinner," he held up the rabbit and I angrily snatched it from him to prep it for Greasy Sae. I held up my knife to its throat, but froze. Its wide eyes were on me and I could feel it twitching in my hands. I could feel it alive. Counting down its last few moments. Like the people in the war—the people in that mountain we trapped, the people of District 13 when we took shelter from the bombs, the children of the Capitol who had no idea what was going on.. our tiny troop huddled together in Tigris's basement. I held it in my hands and almost tossed it away in my anxiety, still bound, but Peeta relieved him from me.
"Katniss… I can prepare him for Sae. Why don't you take a rest?"
Shaken, I sunk down again and drew my knees to my chest. Has the war robbed me of hunting, too?
The walk back from the forest was a blur, and all I clearly remember is burying myself in bed again. Being consumed by my blankets and sleep was my highest priority, but I regret it as soon as I closed my eyes.
Suddenly I was in the forest again. It wasn't my forest, but the one from my first Games. I was flying through the trees, swiftly and quietly. Suddenly there was a snap and I pounced. My hands took hold of a small thing. It shook underneath me and I had a feral smile on my face. When I turned the thing over, I was horrified. In my hands was Rue, shivering and looking up at me like the rabbit from this morning. She had the spear lodged in her stomach and my hands were drenched in her blood.
"Sing for me Katniss," she whispered.
My mouth opened, but the voice was not my own. A scream came through instead.
Prim's scream.
I heard it all around me like the mockingjay hour in my second games, and I couldn't block it out. When I looked down at Rue again, she was gone, and instead it was Prim in flames, screaming for me. Screaming at me. Pleading for me to save her, save everyone. I could hear her screaming at me for not saving at her when I saw myself on fire too.
Suddenly the world went black again and I opened my eyes.
Dust motes swam in every direction, bathed in the fiery orange light of the setting sun. My pillow and sheets were drenched in sweat, so I peeled them off of myself. Apparently, I had neglected to even pull on a sleeping shirt, so I hopped into the shower and let the hot water cleanse the dirt from this morning and the sweat from my nap away.
I had just enough time to pull on a robe and loosely braid my hair wet when I heard a knock and the sound of someone letting themselves into my house. Assuming it was just Greasy Sae again to start up dinner, I jumped a little when a deeper voice called out to me.
"Peeta?"
I heard him coming up the stairs before it registered in my mind that I was clothed only in a robe. For my prep crew, this was not cause for embarrassment. For Peeta…
I blushed deeply and threw myself onto the bedroom door. As if my weight could hold him back. "Don't come in!"
Through the thin wood of my door I heard him chuckle. "I'll go back down. Greasy Sae told me to let you know she'll be by a little later today. Her granddaughter is not having a good day, so she's having a little trouble coaxing her here. She passed along some apple butter she made and we can have it with the bread downstairs if you'd like."
"Ok!" I said. Between the Games and the War (and my grief), you'd think that modesty would hardly be a concern, but with Peeta around again… well. Maybe I am still a little pure! And with that I blushed harder and fumbled with some clothes.
Downstairs, Peeta had laid out slices of bread. I started up the fireplace and curled up on the couch. He brought a plate of buttered slices to me and I silently took one.
"Katniss." His voice startled me again, but this time I just stared at my bread and the fire licking the walls of the fireplace.
"Yes?"
"Can I ask you a Real or Not Real question?"
I contemplate my bread again before taking a bite. "I…suppose."
"Okay… what happened in the forest earlier, that happened before too." His eyes were trained on the flickering fire as he took a seat behind me.
"Real," I murmured, taking a bite out of my bread again. That wasn't so bad.
"That happened in our First Games."
"Real." I'm hoping Greasy Sae comes soon. This bread is moderately filling, but I would really like some rabbit.
"You were angry at me for straying."
"Real."
"You tried to kill me by offering me the nightlock!" I could feel him tense beside me and I turned slowly. At least I know that flashbacks still happen. This may not end well.
"Not real."
"LIAR!" Peeta was on his feet now, but instead of lunging at me, one hand gripped the armrest as if meaning to rip out the upholstery while the other was clenched in a fist. "NO. The nightlock. I remember the nightlock. It looks like blueberries, but it's… it was in the pile."
"I had you gather the berries Peeta. I forgot to mention the nightlock—"
"You could've killed me," he snarled.
"If Foxface hadn't died, I could have kill us both." My hand felt sticky. A quick glance at it showed that I had crushed the remaining bread and applebutter and my finger nails were digging into the palms of my hands. "Maybe you should go Peeta."
The blond boy gripped the couch tighter and gritted his teeth. "I… I killed the girl."
"Real," I said, clenching my jaw tight. Hopefully Greasy Sae will be by soon.
"I…gathered the nightlock. By accident."
"Real."
"I… should go."
I let go of the breath I'd been holding and slumped in my corner of the couch again. Neither of us said anything as he left. I said nothing to Greasy Sae when she came in with her granddaughter a few moments later. I couldn't even remember getting off the couch or dousing the fireplace, but I must have at some point because the next thing I knew I was flailing in bed and out of a nightmare of foxes and berries and flames and burnt bread.
[Postscript] - Sound Life is a song from an anime "Trigun". Please R&R. I would certainly any constructive feedback!