A Bequest for Leliana

Morrigan left, turning into a wolf pup and bounding down the hall and as far away as she could manage. It only added to the emptiness that was cloying at my soul.

You would think that having lived as an elf in the alienage for so long I would be accustomed to disappointment. We had been brought up to believe that we could not achieve better, that we would always be under the feet of the Shems. Those that did not accept it ran off to find the Dalish and find a new life. I had not wanted to escape. I was accustomed to the life of the alienage. All I wanted was to improve it, but that bastard Vaughn…

Now I was a Grey Warden and I was in love with a human man; more specifically the human king of Denerim. A king who had to have an heir, and probably not a mongrel elven half-breed that would inherit the taint from both of his parents. He had a duty to his country and his people, in it there was no room for love. What we had did not involve the harsh realities of duty.

After all this time with Alistair, I had begun to believe that things could be different, that an elf could have happily ever after. I had not wanted to be queen, I had just wanted him. Now all I had was a death sentence – the taint spirit released by the death of the archdemon would kill the Warden that struck the killing blow. Riordan had stated that he would try to draw the archdemon and end it, but what if he failed?

Morrigan had offered an opportunity at life, but it had a price. Alistair would have to sleep with her and she would conceive his child. The taint spirit would possess the child, though she stated that the child would be uncorrupted, it would just be a vessel for the spirit of an old god. She would have experienced his body in a way that only I had.

Alistair would have agreed, he would have despised having to do it, but he would have agreed because it would save me. He wanted me to live, but he would never have understood the type of life he would be relegating me to in the end. It would be out of a sense of love that would doom me to a life of pain, beginning with the pain of knowing that he would be sleeping with my friend. I could surrender him to the ghost of a future queen who would bear his children and ensure peace, but I could not bear having him sleep with Morrigan and have her bear his child as well.

She had been angry and she did not understand, accusing me of pride. If there had been any way to have helped her I would have. I trusted her with my life. I understood her feelings of alienation and of being on the outside looking in, but I could not share Alistair in such a fashion. I had sacrificed enough. I had to be allowed to say "no" for once.

Sitting, watching the fire, I recalled all the tales that Leliana had told me, of the things that were left behind. I wondered how I would be remembered. Men and women would speak of me as a brave, selfless individual who sacrificed her life to save all. It would be a lie. I am not selfless or brave, I am just a woman who had lost everything in a quick succession.

This would be my last night. If I had to die, I wanted some kind of truth left behind. I crept down to Arl Eamon's study and managed to gather some paper and a quill. Thinking of the songs that I had heard, I wrote what came to my heart. What coalesced were a series of poems though I was no bard:

Farewell To My Fair Lord

My fair lord,

Though fair you may be,

You certainly are not fair to me.

You may possess a noble brow

And eyes an ocean deep,

But that is no good to me now

That I lie awake to weep.

Once we faced a world with hands fasted.

How short that bitter sweetness lasted.

Did we not together stand,

And apart was there not pain?

Once we walked in sunlight

Even in the constant rain.

Our honor came between us two,

For we were Wardens to the end,

Charged to put the world before ourselves,

My fair lord, my lover, my friend.

I can hold my head up in truth,

Knowing I did what was right -

Though now I must hide my face

And suffer each lonely night.

Men speak of sacrificing their lives

To save the world and meet their destiny,

But would any of them choose my lot –

Though heartily I would think it not –

When I chose to walk away

And leave behind the best of me.

So fairest lord, I bow to you,

And acknowledge you are just,

And swallow my pain,

Accepting the ugliness of doing what we must.

So in leaving you, do not ask me why,

I offer you a truth disguised as a lie.

My fair lord,

So fair may you be in your reign.

You are ruling a world

And I am ruling my pain.

For Alistair

To death and glory,

For honor and for truth,

For king and for country,

Such are the ideals that fill our youth.

We are the ones who tout

The necessity of sacrifice

But never truly understand

What will be the real price.

You said good-bye to me

Based on your decided principle

But now I face the battle

Seeing how you made things so simple.

Now you are at the head of an army

And we are together though apart.

Death becomes a welcome end

When faced with life without a heart.

It is with this thought

That I go where I know I must die.

It is my fate to have loved you

And to continue living like this is a lie.

Without trembling I face tomorrow.

Men look at me and wonder why.

It is not hard to be brave when in reality

You have already died.

I have walked willingly into the snare,

I am caught between fate and chance.

Knowing there is nothing left

How can I regret this circumstance?

Do not think that I blame you

For doing what you felt that you must.

I accept this sentence,

And I surrender to you my dust.

So this is my farewell to you,

Leaving you to the Maker's Breath.

You took away what I had left to lose

And without my heart I embrace Death.

Farewell to Morrigan

You say I throw away a chance for pride

But it is not pride that compels me to refuse.

You know me not if you assume

That pride decides what I choose.

The darkness with which you dabble

Will consume you in the end.

Though you seem to think you control it

I fear for you my friend.

We march tomorrow morning

To meet the terror from the dark

And the day will be bloody

And my chances will be stark.

Because you speak of meeting again,

I know you truly do not understand why.

It is for the sake of love that I refuse

And it is for that same love that I will die.

For a moment I considered burning them. I was no bard, I had no business writing such drivel for posterity. It would be better destroy them and be grateful no one would see them. I approached the fireplace and was about to throw them in when Leliana gently knocked and craned her head around the door, "I thought you were going to bed? I saw you come down the stairs and I followed to be sure everything was well."

One look at her and my face crumbled, collapsing to my knees. Seeing me weep, she ran to my side and held me close, trying to soothe me. Between the sobs I confessed to her all that had transpired in the past two hours. She joined me in my tears, weeping for the impossible nature of my plight and knowing that she could not fix it.

When we had managed to exhaust ourselves, with only a few stray, hiccupping sobs and coughs, she gently reached for the pages that had become crumpled and tear streaked. Solemnly she read the pages before breathing forlornly, "Oh, my dear…my friend."

"No one can ever see these, Leli." I whispered brokenly, "No one must know. If Alistair were to find out about what Morrigan offered…it would kill him. He would never understand."

"You are still trying to protect him…after all of this?" she demanded with a choked back sob, accidently crumpling the pages further with her emphasis.

"Leli," I quavered, "I don't have a choice. I have to do this, but at least I can choose how I do this."

Taking the pages from Leliana, I edged to the fire grate again, but she caught my hand, "Allow me one thing," she pleaded, her eyes welling with tears.

I sighed, knowing where this was going, "Is it that important to you, Leli?"

"Yes," she squeaked, "Please."

"Promise me that no eyes but yours will see these as long as Alistair lives. After that it matters not." I made my demand. She nodded and placed her hand over her heart, indicating her solemn word.

"I will treasure them always." She assured me.

"I know you will, friend." We embraced one last time and I went to bed, reassured that the truth would live, even if I would not, and cause no further harm.

Author's Note:

I wrote the poems after my first play through of Dragon Age. I was always sort of proud of them and I wrote them from my Grey Warden's perspective. It seemed to make sense in this context to use them.