Disclaimer: I don't own Dawson's Creek or any of the characters displayed. I hope you all enjoy:D
The sight of her sends chills throughout my body. The butterflies that had been gone for so long return. I break out into a cold sweat and I can't seem to stop shaking. She's beautiful. Old, seemingly lost, but never forgotten, memories resurface. Some good, most painful. She's clad in an oversized sweatshirt and sweats. Her hair is thrown into a messy bun. She's got on no make-up, which I always found over-rated on her anyway. She looks better without it. Yet, she looks good in anything. I've always thought so.
Seeing her again…it hurts. Honest-to-God, its hurts like hell. Because I'm not with her. Because of the reason I'm here. And it kills me to think about it. Everytime I think I may have found a way to get over her or…even forget about her, she finds some way to reincorporate herself into my life. And I hate her for it. I hate her for hurting me so much, and not even realizing it. I hate her for being so goddamn beautiful and sweet. And I hate her for being so hard to get over. But I love her. God, I love her so much. And I hate myself for that.
She's walking across the foyer, seemingly oblivious to the fact that I can't take my gaze off her. Her head turns in the direction of which I currently stand and I reflexively turn away. I can't allow myself to let her see the pain she's caused me. I refuse to do that. For both of our sakes. Because I know, if I look into those rich, soulful eyes, I'll lose myself. And I might just not want to be found.
There's a tap on my shoulder as I'm refilling my mug at the bar. I sigh with a mixture of exasperation and hope. Exasperation that it might be her. It might be her coming over here to comfort me. To tell me she's sorry that she doesn't love me, atleast not the way I want her to. Hope that it might be her. It might be her coming over to hold me. To tell me she's sorry that she made a mistake and she's loves me. But it's not her, and I'm just as relieved. Instead, it's a bubbling blonde, with a dazzling smile and a bulging stomach. I smile and embrace her.
"It's great to see you again, Lindley." I whisper in her soft hair.
She giggles and whispers back "You're forgetting. It's Leery."
I pull back from the embrace and grin. She seems to have that effect on me.
"Oh contraire. Would I ever forget a thing like two of my greatest friends marrying one another? I think not. Lindley is just so…you." My voice loses some of its humour and I glance quickly at Joey. "I guess I just like remembering certain things as they were."
Jen caught my look and wore a pained expression of her own. "I'm sorry, Pace. I know it's hard. Seeing her like this."
I shrug and force a small, knowingly unconvincing smile. "Hey, what goes down goes down, right?"
Jen smiles half-heartedly. "Pacey, you need to talk to her."
I sigh, not the first time tonight. "Jen, she's getting married tomorrow. To another guy, obviously. What the hell am I supposed to do? Profess my undying love to her, congratulate her on her marriage, and be on my merry way? I'm sorry, but it's more complicated than that, Jen. I'm just gonna have to deal with the fact that…that she doesn't love me." I feel a pressure building in the back of my throat and my eyes burn.
"You don't know that, Pacey. You don't know unless you talk to her."
I scoff at this. "She's marrying someone else. I think that's proof enough."
Jen sighs, obviously agitated with me. But I don't care. Not right now I don't.
"Pacey, you know her better than anyone. And I know you. If you don't do something, then you'll regret it. And eventually, so will she."
"Then maybe she should do something." I mutter as I bring my beer up to my lips and take a sip. The liquid is cool going down my throat and I find it a pleasant distraction from the present situation. If I could just drink enough to numb-
My thoughts are interrupted by yet another comment by Jen. "I know you Pacey. Atleast I thought I did. Because the Pacey I know wouldn't let the one thing he cares about more than anything, slip through his fingers." Jen makes a gesture with her hands, pointing out the slim, convivial brunette in the corner. I take another sip of my beer and Jen lets out an expression of disgust. "I bet you haven't even talked to her this whole night." She sneered. "You're going to let the woman you love, you're soul-mate, marry another man tomorrow…and you're just going to watch." Jen's voice was low, hoarse. "I can't believe you."
My throat is dry. I lift my mug and take a long, much-needed drink. I close my eyes and let it slide down my throat until nothing more comes out. When I open my eyes, she's gone. I search the room, but to no avail. I shrug my shoulders and turn around. I fill up my mug and take another drink, long and hard, just like the last one. And I fill her up again. This is going to be a long night. I can already tell.
……………………………………………………………………………………..
My vision is blurred and my head is spinning. I glance at my watch, but can't make out the swirling numbers.
"Hey! Mr. Barman! Ya got the time?"
The rotund, friendly bartender checked his watch and responded, "It's a quarter to nine. Had enough?"
I shake my head slightly and take another swig of my alcohol. "No, not yet."
The man laughs and goes off to serve another customer.
I glance around the bar and notice that there's no one I directly recognize. Until I feel a tap on my shoulder, yes, again. Agitated and ready to tell Jen to shove off, I realize in my drunken state, it's not her. There's a mass of neatly combed blonde hair framing a small, petite body and I recognize the face right away.
"Andie." I slur my words, even I can tell.
"Pacey." She says, and her one-of-a-kind smile forms on her face. I immediately remove myself from my barstool and embrace her in a bear hug.
"I missed you." I hear her murmur into my shoulder.
"Long time no see." I say as I reluctantly break the hug.
She smiles and shrugs. "Yeah, well, years in Italy will do that to you."
I pull her out a seat and sit down in my own. "You like it up there." It was more of a statement than a question.
Andie smiles and nods. "Yeah. I do."
I was taken aback with her answer, just a little. I haven't seen this woman in six years, and in a way I'm still envisioning her as the same rambling, fired-up blonde she was in high school. She wasn't even the same little girl she was when we were going out…she was beautiful. She really was. She wasn't as skinny as she used to be, which I view as a good thing, mind you. She was chicken-skinny back in the day. And her hair wasn't as thin either. Her hair. Her hair was-
"So, Pacey, anything up with you over the past, oh, six-and-a-half years. Jack tells me you have a girlfriend."
Andie's eyes became alight with desire. A desire to know more. More about my life. More about how her friends and brother have been getting along. And, more likely than not, how I've been dealing with Joey.
"Uh, yeah, that didn't work out too well. We just didn't…click."
Which was the truth, in a way. I mean, the reason my relationships don't tend to last more than six months isn't entirely my fault. In fact, it's not my fault at all! No, I cast all blame on her. The she-devil who made me fall in love with her in the first place. Everytime I think I'm on the brink of a serious relationship, she somehow establishes herself in my mind. My thoughts. My bed. And it's not right. So I can't allow my own burdens to affect the lives of people, women, who trust me. Who may actually love me. Because I can't find a way to love them back. And it's not fair.
"That's too bad." Andie tells me, genuine concern filling her voice.
"Nah." I take another swig of my beer. "How' bout you? You find any romance in Italy?" I grin and nudge her in her side playfully. She blushes and I find it adorable.
"Actually, there's this guy named Patrick. He's funny, sweet, kind, handsome, and…"
And stretches her hand out and I take it in my own. She wiggles her ring finger.
"We're engaged!"
A smile forms on my face and I squeeze her hand before she retracts it.
"Congratulations. When?"
"December. I've always wanted a winter wedding." She chuckles and I think it's contagious.
Andie and I talk for hours before she checks her watch and notes that it's already going on twelve-thirty.
"Damn." She curses and gives me a sympathetic look. "I'm gonna have to turn in if I'm going to attend the wedding tomorrow…" She stops mid-sentence and looks at her feet, turning a deep shade of red. "I'm sorry." She mumbles.
The effects of the alcohol really must have taken its toll, because I don't even know what she's talking about.
"About what?" I chuckle, amazed I can even talk straight, atleast understandably.
She looks up with an expression of confusion and astonishment. "Um, well, I guess you're okay with it then?" Her voice rising from bewilderment to blissful excitement.
"Andie!" I laugh, "What are you talking about?"
Her face lights up and she relaxes, falling out of her formerly stiff state.
"Well, you know, the wedding. Joey's getting married. But it looks like you don't-"
She stops, yet again. I'm drunk as shit, but I can tell that she's mortified. She lifts a hand to her lips and curses silently.
"Shit. Shit. Pacey, I am so sorry. I just assumed…I mean, I thought…it just looked…Oh my God. I can't believe this."
I take a minute to compose myself, and when I speak I can see spittle fly from my own mouth.
"Andie," I slur. "You've got nothing to be sorry for."
She shakes her head. "No, I should have known. You're not over her and when I mentioned the wedding…you're face…I…I'm sorry, Pacey. I really am."
I wave my hand to dismiss the apology. "How's about another drink, McPhee."
She shakes her head. "No, I really have to go."
"Aw, come on. Where's your fun?"
She gives me a stern look and I give her the puppy dog face. It's not working.
"Pacey, I really have to go. And whether or not you do, you should go too."
She leans over the back of her stool and reaches for her purse. She pecks me on the cheek.
"Goodnight, Pacey." She says gently as she walks away from me.
"Goodnight." I mumble incoherently. "Andie?" I call out to her as she reaches the double doors.
She looks back at me and I go on.
"Sometimes I wonder."
She takes a couple steps toward me and looks at me curiously.
"Wonder about what?" she inquires skeptically.
"About what it's like to kiss you. Again."
She takes a few more steps closer and whispers. "You're drunk."
I shake my head. "When I'm not drunk. I think about you. And what it's like to kiss you."
She comes closer, until she's standing right in front of me, and I can feel her breath on the side of my neck.
"You're drunk, Pacey." And then she kisses me, long, gentle, soft on the lips. And I kiss her back, only half-heartedly.
"Goodnight, Pacey. I'll see you tomorrow." She says as she leaves. This time I let her leave.
……………………………………………………………………………………..
"Ooh. Ow." I moan as I pull myself out of bed, holding the side of my head with my right hand. I flop back down on my bed. The clock in the hotel room flashes eight-thirty-seven, and I force myself up. The clothes on my bureau beckon to me and I glance at the shower. A nice, cold, refreshing shower sounds good. As I go to grab the clothes, I notice a piece of paper. It's the invitation asking me to partake in their glorious wedding day. I run my eyes over it and toss it in the garbage.
I tie a towel around my torso and use another one to dry off the top of my body as I rush to answer the door. I take a look through the peephole and see Jen. Jen Lindley…Jen Leery…My mind searches for scenes of the previous act, the act I had uproariously taken part in last night…the one involving Jen…Something happened between us and I can't remember what. Did we have sex? Did we booze it up? Did we get into a…Ding! Ding! Ding! I've triggered a memory, and it doesn't recall as a happy one. There's another knock at the door and I wipe my eyes before opening it.
"Hey." She says. I notice that as she said that, she exhaled a breath.
"Hey." I greet back.
We stand there awkwardly for a moment before I move aside and allow her into my room. My hotel room, to be more rigorous.
"Um, Jen, about last night-"
"I'm sorry, Pacey." She interrupts me. I see that there is no emotion in her voice, she's not angry, upset, or sympathetic. She's unaffected.
"You have nothing to be sorry about-"
"You were right. It's you're life. I have no right to exceed my expectations as a friend. If you decide to watch Joey marry anther man today, that's your decision. You'll have to live with it, not me. And as much as it pains me to think of you going through life alone and bitter, I have to face that it's you're choice and you're life. So, I'm sorry. For overstepping my boundaries. I should have known better than to do that."
"Look, Jen, I know you were only trying to help me. And I appreciate that. But I have to live my life the way I feel I should. And allowing Joey to move on with her life may help me to move on with mine."
Jen stood frozen to her spot, still wearing her blank expression. "Fine, Pacey. If that's how you feel, I wish you all the best. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a wedding I need to participate in, in about two hours. I hope I see you there, Pacey."
With that said and done, Jen was out of my hotel room. I leaned against the wall, closed my eyes, and sighed. Another long day ahead. I can already tell.
…………………………………………………………………………………………
I look in the mirror and grimace. I've never looked particularly good in a tux. The clock flashes ten-o-clock and the wedding starts in an hour. So, I prepare myself for the performance of a lifetime. Get ready world, here I come. It's gonna have a tragic ending either way it's played out.
"Hey Jack." I whisper as I slide into his pew.
"Hey man!" He chuckles. "Great to see ya!" We give each other a hug; Dawson, his mother, and her husband make their way down the aisle and slide in next to us.
"Mrs. Leery." I greet and give her a hug. Her husband and I shake hands awkwardly. He's still not Mitch.
"Dawson." I say.
"Pacey."
The two of us can't keep the charade up much longer and almost reflexively fall into a hug.
"I missed you, man."
"I missed you too, Pacey."
I take a look at my best friend. He's older. He's much more mature than I ever remember him being. And happier. This is probably the happiest I've seen him in…a long time.
"Let's have a seat, shall we?" Mrs. Leery suggests.
"Where's Bessie?" I overhear Jack ask Body.
"Helping the bride." He whispers back, and grins.
The clock strikes eleven and the music begins. The groom is a fine looking man. Dark hair. Fine build. And he looks great in a tux. He stands there smiling, his hands clasped together in front of him and flashing an award-winning smile. Any brighter and I'd need to put on my shades. Jen and Andie walk down the aisle and they both look stunningly gorgeous.
This is the moment we've all been waiting for. Here comes the bride. The sight of her sends chills throughout my body. The butterflies that I had felt for her the previous evening return. I break out into a cold sweat and I can't seem to stop shaking. She's beautiful. Old, new, always- there fantasies resurface and I imagine the happy groom is me. She's wearing an off the shoulder, off-white wedding dress and short, white heels. Her hair is done up in loose-curls and a few loose wisps outline her face. She's got make-up on, which only intensifies her already-flawless complexion. She looks amazing. She always does. I've always thought so.
She glances at me and her smile drops. She continues walking down the aisle, keeping her eyes locked with mine. I don't blink and my eyes start to water. She finally looks away and composes herself. She's smiling again. It's just peachy to know how I really make her feel. So, I try to distract myself, but it's awfully hard to miss the scowls Jen's shooting me from the stand and the sympathy looks Andie keeps giving me.
This is it. It's now or never. Because, in reality, it's supposed to be me. It's supposed to be me standing up there, holding her hand, and professing my undying, goddamned love to the woman who once upon a time, loved me back. And I have to make sure that it's real. I have to see if she still loves me.
"…If there is any reason that this couple should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace."
The silence in the church is deafening and I'm afraid to look, but my curiosity overwhelms my senses. Jen and Andie are both looking at me expectantly. Jack is staring at me intently. And Dawson nudges me in the arm. But the expression I most rely on is hers. She's looking at me, biting her lower lip, and tucks a strand of hair behind her ear. It's time. And we all know it. Even he does.
I clear my throat and stand up. "I do." I announce, loudly, clearly. The entire church if silent, and it makes me feel as though I said something wrong. Is there a specific way to protest against a wedding? I wouldn't know. I've never done it before.
"Young man?" The minister questions, and I regain my composure…and strength.
"I have a reason as to why these two should not get married." I clarify, feeling utterly humiliated. Has the thought that Joey may refuse my demur ever crossed my mind? Of course, but I didn't pay any mind…until now. "Um, hah, uh," I glanced at Dawson and he somehow gave me the stability I needed to continue. "I'm just gonna come right out and say it. I love you Joey. I always have. And you know that. I know you know that. And the thought of you marrying another man…it kills me, Jo. It really kills me. The only thing I can say is…I'm not rich. I don't have the best family or the best job. But what I do have is something that I know no one else would be able to give you. That's my heart. And you already have that. So, either give it back to me, or marry me. Because I can live without you, Jo. I just don't want to." I glance down at Dawson, who's grinning from ear to ear. I take a quick glance at Joey and notice her mouth is open and her cheeks are flushed. I smile, grab my coat, and walk down the aisle towards the door.
As I go to grab the doorknob, I hear a pitter-patter and a swish. I turn around and she's there. Just as beautiful as ever. Her mascara is running and her hair is falling out of place, but it doesn't matter. She's beautiful.
"Pacey…" She whispers and I lift a finger to her lips.
"Shh." I whisper. "Do you love me?"
Her face illumes with a sudden glow, it's overpowering. She grins.
"Yes."
I finally exhale the breath I've been holding in for so long. She loves me. She wraps her arms around my neck and I wrap mine around her waist.
"I love you." She murmurs in my ear.
"You have no idea how long I've waited to hear you say that."
We let go and look around the church. Andie, Jack, Gale, Dawson, and Jen are grinning their damn ears off and I've never been more grateful.
"I'm sorry I ruined you're wedding." I whisper to her as we leave the church.
"I'm glad you did." And there's not a hint of sarcasm in her voice.