I had some feelings about 4x21. This is the result.
Thank you to Harriet for spurring me on enough to finish this! 3
Rumour has it that Rachel Berry has a call back for her Funny Girl audition.
A slow smile spreads over Cassie's face when she hears the news, and her mind begins to whirl with plots and possibilities, and her heart – well.
It's in turmoil.
Which is nothing new as far as Rachel's concerned. She'd seen right from the start that Rachel might – might – have what it takes; and so she'd pushed, and waited, and watched as Rachel had grown and matured as a dancer and a performer and a woman. But she hadn't ever expected to become so embroiled by the last part.
She hadn't ever expected for her heart to break so much.
It's just a fun kind of game at the start, flirting and seducing and messing with Rachel's head just because she can. And then Rachel kind of grows on her, as she fights back and refuses to be beaten down by Cassie's onslaught.
It's not until Rachel unleashes her own vicious words, that sting harder than anything she's heard in years, that she realises how invested she is in Rachel's opinion of her.
They're the same, she sees it right from the start; and she knows that Rachel will understand her actions and her barriers and her motivations better than anyone else because of it. But when she misses them, when she dismisses Cassie's criticism as vindictive jealousy her words burn.
It doesn't stop her from opening up to Rachel, though, when she comes to apologise. And the look of understanding on her face makes it worth it.
(And Rachel's hands are clammy against her ass as she presses tentatively down, and it's cute how much of a crush she has on her, but the pressure still sends bolts of pleasure straight to her groin.)
But something changes, after that; Rachel becomes kind of woven into her, and as the weeks go by Rachel starts to become a regular feature in her thoughts and fantasies and her life. Cassie's classes revolve more and more around finding ways to touch and tease Rachel, and she's starting to wonder if this bond between them could ever end up with them naked on the piano together…
Until she brings Brody into her class, and it becomes abundantly clear Rachel only has eyes for NYADA's latest man candy, and it hurts, and that's so entirely unexpected. So when Rachel inadvertently humiliates her in front of the class, she just completely forgets her determination to take care of Rachel and help her succeed and lashes out in the best way she knows how.
From the sobs on the other end of the phone, it works, but after she's chucked Brody out of her apartment she throws up, and it's nothing to do with the wine.
She's angry, she's so angry at Rachel for making her feel this way, and for arrogantly dismissing Cassie's advice when she's not even close to being as good as her. But when they start dancing around each other like circling lionesses, she forgets how furious she is in the name of seducing Rachel… and from Rachel's dark eyes and flushed cheeks every time Cassie spreads her legs, Cassie's got something on her that no one else does.
(She watches Rachel's Showcase performance from the very back of the Round Room, and she's still so angry, but the sight of Rachel finally letting go and just performing, flawlessly, because of her…)
It strengthens Cassie's resolve, and so she pushes Rachel harder than ever. Rachel might be convinced that Cassie hates her, but she's enamoured with Brody, and Cassie still has a job to do.
Her feelings don't go, though. They lie, quietly, purring in her chest when Rachel stretches out in front of her or laughs happily across the dance studio. She watches as Rachel battles against her, working harder than anyone else in the class, and her anger dissipates all together. It's replaced by heartache, and a dawning realisation that she is so in over her head in ways that just aren't fair.
She thrashes and drinks and cries for most of March – unseen by anyone, especially Rachel – until she resigns herself to keeping her feelings firmly in check, firmly under control because she'll be damned if she ruins another career because of her emotions.
When Rachel gets her call back, though, she can't help herself.
She's got one chance, one shot at showing Rachel what she's been trying to tell her all year; one song to let her know exactly how much she adores her. And so she lets go and loses it, revelling in the joy of Rachel laughing and twirling around her, and god being the cause of Rachel's happiness like this is the best thing she's experienced in ten years.
And then she leaves; because this is Rachel's moment, and the last thing she wants anymore is to steal the limelight from her. She bites her lip as she walks away from the dance hall, forcing herself not to cry, and forcing herself not to hope desperately that Rachel will come after her.
When Rachel appears in her dance studio a few days later, though, a slow smile spreads over Cassie's face, and she allows herself one last moment of weakness.
"I saw something in you. That first day, I thought to myself, this one's special. This one might make it."
Rachel's whole face softens in happiness, and she seems to have figured out exactly what Cassie did and didn't want her to, because she flirts openly and adorably. Cassie knows that can only end badly for both of them, so she deflects, and does her job.
Except then Rachel opens herself up entirely, and lets Cassie see for the first time just how scared she is, and she wants desperately for Rachel to know how much she has faith in her.
"You're gonna get it. I know you will Rachel."
(And she does know, with more certainty than she's believed anything in a long time, because she sees in Rachel something Rachel doesn't even see herself.)
She will never as long as she lives forget the look on Rachel's face at those words; of someone so completely overcome with happiness it's still tinged with disbelief. In that moment she nearly loses it all together, but Rachel's just so damn happy and full of hope, and she'd rather break her own heart than ruin Rachel's dreams.
(And she will, she will if she loses control over her emotions, and she flatly refuses to let that destroy a second career.)
So does she next best thing to what she actually wants, and wraps her arms around Rachel, nestling into her neck. Rachel's arms tighten around her, and her heart swells with happiness as they sigh against each other. She doesn't want to let go, and Rachel's clinging on to her with the same silent desperation, and god it hurts so much how it's taken them this long to get here.
She holds herself together until she's reached her loft, then she quietly shuts the door behind her, slides down to the floor, and sobs.
The next couple of weeks pass in a kind of limbo. Class is suspended for mid-terms, and Cassie goes through the motions all the while wondering how Rachel's audition went.
(She could probably find out, if she wanted to, but this is news she wants to hear from Rachel and Rachel alone.)
She's absent-mindedly running through some new choreography in the dance studio when Rachel appears. It's been nearly a month since she's seen her, and Cassie's heart nearly leaps out of her chest.
"Rachel," she says softly, smiling in surprise.
"I've got some news," Rachel tells her, almost vibrating with excitement.
"Am I looking at Broadway's new Fanny?" Cassie asks her.
"Yes!" Rachel cries, jumping slightly as she claps. She's beaming from head to two with such a force that Cassie feels almost blown away by happiness.
"Congratulations!" laughs Cassie, and moves forward to throw her arms round Rachel without thinking. Rachel leaps into her with such enthusiasm that Cassie lifts her off the ground, and Rachel giggles jubilantly.
"I'm so happy Miss July," Rachel tells her when they've pulled apart.
"Rachel I'm so proud of you," she says warmly, and Rachel's whole face softens in such a way that Cassie's heart clenches. And then they're back in that place again, and Cassie watches as Rachel's eyes dart down to her lips.
She seems to understand, now, though, that there's a line they cannot cross if they both want to keep their careers intact. Rachel's success has given her a new kind of certainty and confidence, and Cassie honestly couldn't be prouder if she tried. She knows, knows, that Rachel isn't going to make the same mistakes that she did.
But then Rachel gently takes Cassie's hand and runs her thumb, just twice, over Cassie's knuckles, with an aching softness that makes Cassie's eyes flitter closed.
"Rachel," she says quietly in protest, slowly shaking her head. When she looks up again Rachel's eyes are wide and round and brimming with sudden tears.
"Please," Rachel whispers, and her voice cracks. Cassie bites her lip to stop the sob forcing its way up her throat coming out, and lifts Rachel's palm up to her cheek. She leans into it, just for a moment, and she sees a glimmer of hope in Rachel's eyes. Then she brushes her lips lightly against Rachel's skin with a tenderness she hopes will convey how heart-achingly sorry she is, before she lets Rachel's hand slip from her own, and walks away.
An official note lands on her desk a few days later to confirm Rachel's leave of absence for the year, and she sets her mouth in a grim line because she knows, for once, she's done absolutely the right thing,
Life carries on, and if Cassie's number to the world than ever, she doesn't think anything of it. She sets herself the task of getting the best final exam results yet from her Freshmen, and it's so easy and familiar to let her work consume her. When she pushes her students through her most demanding exams set to date, and they mostly survive, she feels a soothing sense of satisfaction. Nothing has changed; she's still the best of the best, and her work gets results.
(It's not enough, not anymore, but the only time she lets herself dwell on that is one night at 3am when the summer rain is pounding on her window and her mind is so buzzing with memories that she opens a bottle of Malibu just to try and get to sleep.)
She has to forget, she has to let go, she knows that; but she feels like she's frozen in time and she just doesn't understand why her heart is being so stubborn.
Then one evening, she's sitting in her seat at the Summer Showcase, when Rachel moves out of the shadows and into the limelight. Cassie freezes stone cold, then her entire body flushes and her heart pounds so hard she wonders if Rachel can actually hear it.
And maybe she can, because right at that moment she finds Cassie in the audience, and the small smile she gives her lets Cassie know the song that follows is entirely for her.
She was lost in so many different ways
Out in the darkness with no guide
I know the cost of a losing hand
Never thought the grace of God go high
I found heaven on earth
You were my last, my first
And then I hear this voice inside
Ave Maria
Sometimes love can come and pass you by
While your busy making plans
Suddenly hit you and then you realize
It's out of your hands, baby you got to understand
You are my heaven on earth
You are my last, my first
And then I hear this voice inside
Ave Maria
The audience burst into a standing ovation, but Cassie isn't aware of anything except the tears sliding down her cheeks. She's standing, clapping, her chest collapsing in on itself and she can see Rachel is crying too and it's just too much.
She slips out during the interval. She knows she should go home, but she's walked away twice already, and she doesn't know if she has the energy to do it once more. So she finds a bench to sit down on and leans back against the wall, trying to regain some strength.
Several minutes later she hears light footsteps, and she holds if off for as long as possible before she finally looks up, and sees Rachel standing in front of her.
She looks like she's in just as much turmoil as Cassie.
"You sang beautifully, Rachel," Cassie tells her, and Rachel's face breaks out into a slow, radiant smile.
"Well I really... I really was singing truthfully," she says hesitantly, playing with her fingers. Cassie sighs a little, getting up, and takes a step away from Rachel before she turns round and looks at her, hard.
"I'm not going to ruin another career," she tells her firmly.
"You're not going to ruin my career!" Rachel insists desperately, moving towards her. "No one has to know-"
Cassie snorts, because she's well aware that any hint of scandal becomes public knowledge on Broadway about three hours.
"-and even if they do, I'm not a student at NYADA anymore," Rachel continues. "It doesn't matter."
Cassie fights the urge to roll her eyes.
"Of course it matters, Rachel," she says. "What do you think you'll be remembered for after people find out? The freshman who won a role on Broadway or the student who slept her way to the top?"
"Neither," Rachel tells her with more of an angry determination than she's ever seen in her. "I'll be remembered for the outstanding, iconic job I did in the role of Fanny, because that is what I came here to do. People will talk," she says more softly. "But it's not like more scandalous things haven't happened before! This is Broadway!"
Cassie actually smiles slightly at that, and it seems to give Rachel the courage to take hold of her hand.
"You told me that… on my first day, you saw that I was special. Well, that's what I see in you too. No one I've ever met is as incredible as you, Cassie," Rachel tells her, and Cassie bites her lip as she feels her entire chest threaten to burst open.
"Please," she implores her, tugging lightly on her hand. And then it's literally all over, and Cassie sweeps Rachel into her arms and captures her lips with a gasp.
They kiss slowly and deeply, with a leisurely intimacy as if they have all the time in the world. Rachel's arms slide round Cassie's waist to pull her closer, and Cassie's hands tangle softly in her hair. She slides her tongue along Rachel's plump bottom lip, nipping gently, and feels Rachel moan and sink into her a little further. Cassie's suddenly acutely aware of the throbbing between her legs, but they're both in long dresses, in the middle of a courtyard.
"Rachel," she says breathily, pressing hot, open mouthed kisses up her neck. "We need to go."
"I've only got half an hour," Rachel gasps. Cassie pulls back suddenly and Rachel actually whines, and when she catches a glance at her she sees Rachel's eyes are huge, black orbs, her chest is heaving and flushed, and it's only months of experience of restraining herself around Rachel that stop Cassie from throwing her to the floor then and there.
"Come on," she says, taking her hand with a dangerous smile, and leading her quickly through the corridors of NYADA. When they reach the dance studio, Rachel laughs, and Cassie shoots her a grin before she pushes the door open. They hurry in, and Cassie locks it behind them before turning round to see Rachel standing, waiting in the middle of the floor. Cassie's not sure if it's the moonlight or Rachel really does have a halo around her, but she's smiling at her with a shy, teasing, loving smile that Cassie's pretty sure is reserved only for her, and god she can't believe she's this lucky.
"Where do you want me, Miss July?" Rachel asks in a low voice, and it's like a bolt of lightning straight to her crotch. Cassie saunters slowly towards her, swaying her hips, and she knows her eyes are giving every single one of her intentions away, because Rachel's breath hitches before she even touches her.
She slides up against her, moving round behind Rachel to run her hands down her arms, before pulling the zip of her dress slowly, slowly down. Rachel's head tips back against her as she gasps slightly, and Cassie takes the opportunity to drag her lips across Rachel's shoulder, kissing and nipping as she goes.
Rachel's dress slips to the floor, and Cassie chuckles into her neck when she sees Rachel's not wearing a bra, and slides a hand up to pluck lightly at her nipple. Rachel moans, and Cassie slips an arm quickly and tightly around her waist as she feels Rachel's body sag.
She wishes she could take hours getting to know what draws out the whimpers and moans currently coming from Rachel's mouth, but they're so short of time, and she has a goal. So she sweeps Rachel up in her arms, to her cries of surprised delight, and carries her over to the piano where she gently lays her down. Rachel watches, with her lips slightly parted, as Cassie slithers out of her dress, then climbs like a panther onto the piano until she's hovering over Rachel.
She pauses, just for a moment, her hair hanging like a curtain around them as they breathe against each other and Cassie tries to fight down some of the emotions overwhelming her so she can do what she's wanted to pretty much since Rachel rocked up in her class all those months ago.
Rachel seems to know instinctively – Cassie wonders sometimes how she understands her so well, and it terrifies her and makes her heart burst with joy in equal measure – and reaches up to stroke Cassie's cheek. It's just a stupidly tender, romantic moment considering they're on top of a piano in a NYADA dance studio… but then it kind of makes sense, because this where she fell for Rachel in the first place.
Shit.
(That realisation hits her like a ton of bricks.)
But then Rachel reaches behind her neck and pulls her down until their lips are pressed against each other. Cassie probes, gently at first, but then Rachel's hands travel down to squeeze her ass, and she winds her legs around Cassie to pull them closer together, and god it's so hot and the kiss becomes deeper and more hungry.
Rachel moans into her mouth as Cassie sucks on her tongue, and it sends a shiver of hunger from her heart straight to her groin. She begins to kiss her way down Rachel's throat, nipping and sucking until she's moving across her chest. She licks flatly across a nipple, and Rachel hisses and arches into her, her hands coming up to tug at Cassie's hair. Cassie licks again, harder this time, and then sucks firmly and Rachel kind of half-screams.
"Cassie," she groans, thrusting her hips feebly against Cassie's body. Cassie smirks, and trails her fingers down to rub against Rachel's crotch. She's so damp and Cassie can smell her now, and she moans, leaning in to kiss Rachel again. It's hot and wet and clumsy, and when Cassie slips her hand under Rachel's underwear and slides two fingers effortlessly inside her, Rachel loses it all together and groans loudly into Cassie's mouth.
It's so, so slow at first, and Rachel shakes as Cassie drags her fingers along that spot inside of her. Her breath comes out in hitches and gasps as Cassie speeds up, curling and twisting and pressing hot, open mouthed kisses across Rachel's chest.
Then Rachel's hand moves round her hips and slides down to cup Cassie's crotch, stroking against her and Cassie moans, rubbing against Rachel's hand.
"Oh my god Rachel," she growls, and the look in Rachel's eyes when she says her name like that makes her heart swell.
Cassie sort of slides her legs apart a little more, but Rachel's still so cautious – and Cassie wonders briefly if she's ever actually slept with a girl before. She suspects not, which somehow the idea of being Rachel's first turns her on even more – and it's a moment before she slips her hand inside Cassie's underwear. She slides a finger between Cassie's folds and gasps when she realises how wet she is.
Cassie chuckles, smiling down at her.
"Are you surprised?" she asks in a low voice, nipping at her ear lobe.
"I just can't believe-" she breaks off with a gasp, as Cassie drags her fingers out torturously slowly, before plunging them in again. Rachel tugs her closer with one arm, sweeping her fingers across Cassie's clit once more until she slides them inside, and Cassie arches into her.
They match each other thrust for thrust, Rachel gasping and whimpering as Cassie lets out small sobs, burying her face in Rachel's shoulder.
"Oh god," Rachel moans. "I've imagined this… so much." A growl rattles through Cassie's chest.
"What did you imagine? Tell me Rachel," she demands in a low voice, pulling back to look at her as she thrusts against her. "What did you imagine when you thought about me?"
"On the piano… naked… with you just everywhere… your fingers… oh my god your fingers," Rachel gasps, and Cassie curls them wickedly again and Rachel screams.
"Cassie!"
"All those times… when I was playing with my cane…" she whispers into Rachel's ear, and god they're both so close now. "I was thinking about what I wanted to do to you, how much I wanted to make you come apart at my hands."
And then Rachel does, shaking and crying, and the sight alone pushes Cassie over the edge. They slide and thrust against each other, hands sandwiched between sticky, hot bodies until they ride out their high.
Cassie collapses on top of Rachel, laughing. Her hair spreads out over both of them like a fan, and she turns to look at Rachel with a wicked glint in her eye. Rachel chuckles, and runs her hands through Cassie's hair, pressing their lips tenderly together.
"I don't think I can move," she says quietly, and she sounds really, really happy about it.
"I don't really want you to," Cassie tells her. "But I think you probably have a trophy to collect."
"You think?" Rachel asks her, smiling.
"Well you know me, Schwim," Cassie says. "I'm pretty good at predicting these things."
Rachel's smile gets even wider, if that's possible, and kisses Cassie warmly again before they reluctantly pull apart. Cassie helps Rachel hop down from that piano, and it's adorable how short she is.
"We should probably… not walk in together looking like this," Cassie tells her. "I'll wait here."
"What… are you not going to come and watch me?" Rachel asks, with sad, puppy dog eyes.
"You can give me a private show when you get back," Cassie says with a smirk, but Rachel's smile doesn't quite reach her eyes.
"And you'll… you'll still be here? When I get back?" she asks with such a terrified uncertainty Cassie's heart clenches.
"Yes, Rachel," she says, moving towards her almost identically to when she was so sure Rachel would win Fanny. Except this time, she does exactly what she wants to, and reaches out to tuck a strand of Rachel's hair behind her ear, before she kisses her softly, and says, "I'll be here."