45. awakening
(even in dreams.)
Her hair is silvery in the moonlight, eyes dark. She is ethereal, unreal, like some beautiful creature pulled from a dream.
He grabs her hand as she moves away,
stay
But she smiles and it's heartbreaking and she reaches over and pushes the hair out of his eyes in a gesture that means so much
i'm sorry
i can't
(but i want to)
He grabs her hand and brings her fingers to his lips, for just an instant, then he lets them fall onto twisted sheets.
i know i know i know.
i just wish
The smiles between them are rueful, every breath they take is a carefully strangled sigh.
i know i know i know.
She gets up, picking her clothes up off the floor. They're scattered everywhere like day old confetti.
He watches her as she gets dressed, trying to memorize the moment, not wanting to forget, wanting to remember the night and the morning and everything, everything -
She pauses by the doorway, glances back. Their eyes lock.
and they know.
this can never happen again.
She should be gone by now, she should've left ages ago, she should've never stayed in the first place. And still, she lingers in the doorway, not wanting to move, not wanting to leave, not wanting to break the spell.
It's a shaky line, like children dragging chalk across sidewalks. It is something they should not cross, yet that is exactly what they do.
That is the way of renegades.
They want to see how long they can linger, how long they can stay.
How far can they push the boundaries before they're forced to step back?
How long can they keep the impossible, tantalizing dream intact before they have to leap back, over to the safe side of the crooked, crooked line?
They stare at each other for a long time, drowning. Then she dips her head, and she's gone. Just like that.
Like a dream, he thinks.
The kind you cling to, half-concious, half-awake, but still sleeping, not willing, not wanting to let go.
The kind that still fades away, despite everything, leaving you with nothing but a smile and a hazy recollection of something amazing.
The kind that you never want to wake from, for once you do, it's gone, and you know, you know, you know how dreams are, no matter how much you wish, how much you want to, how much you try, you can't you can't go back you -
He wakes up.
The night is dark and the sheets are untangled.
He wakes up alone.